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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband told me last night that he no longer loves me but isn't leavinig unless I tell him to?

63 replies

georgeandfreyasmummy · 04/04/2012 09:59

My husband told me last night that he no longer loves me or thinks I'm the right person for him however he will only leave if I tell him to. I am a stay at home mum of two preschool children am completely financially reliant on him. And beside that I want my marriage to work I want to raise our two childdren together. I am in a complete state today - he's at work now so won't talk to me that's why I'm writing this because I need to somehow function today and be there for my gorgeous children.
His argument is that he is fundamentally a selfish person that he is nearly 40 and cannot change that fact - that we have been together 13 years and the relationship is now beyond repair.

By the way he told me this whilst playing around on his Ipad last night - he wouldn't even look at me.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 04/04/2012 12:02
  1. Pack a bag for him and leave it by the front door.
  1. Spend as much time as possible today making yourself look stunning for when the snivelling toad conquering hero returns.
  1. Greet him with a smile and tell him that you've had time to think over what he said.
  1. Assure him that you fully agree with him that your marriage is crap as he's fallen far short of your expectations and you know you can do a lot better.
  1. Let him know that you'll be seeing a solicitor and you'll be in touch regarding his contact with the dc but, having had a quick chat when you called to make the appointment, you see no reason why he won't be able to have them stay over with him every Friday evening through to Monday morning*.
  1. Tell him he'll find enough clothes to meet his immediate needs in the case by the door - and would he please close it quietly behind him.

If he starts to backtrack keep him on course by saying that while you may have been able to forgive him had he confessed to an affair, betraying your trust by discussing confidential and intimate details of your marriage with his colleague is something that you cannot overlook.

In short, take the oxygen out of this oxygen thief's sails and see how he likes them apples, honey.

*or whatever days/nights will most fuck up his leisure time.

izzyizin · 04/04/2012 12:21

BTW, it'll be most effective if you impart the above info to him in a bright and breezy style.

As this is the antithesis of the 'big talk' with its propensity for boxes of tissues, ideally you should be flitting from dining/living room/
kitchen telling him your decisions over your shoulder almost as an afterthought as you attend to more essential matters.

If he makes it clear he isn't going anywhere tonight, resist any temptation to get drawn into protracted discussion of any aspect of your relationshp

Stay bright and cheerful as if nothing in the world is bothering you. If he tries to draw you out, keep changing the subject to something completely inconsequential such as the price of potatoes or some local gossip, unimportant news story etc.

The line to take is that you've made your mind up and your solicitor will take care of all the nasties in due course. In the meantime, you're not going to troube your head thinking about unpleasantness.

countingto10 · 04/04/2012 12:42

Brilliant advice from Izzie Grin

fiventhree · 04/04/2012 12:43

I think that playing on his ipad at the same time was telling, and also very cruel.

There are different possible reasons why he may have done this in this way.

However, when mine used to play on his iphone whenever we spent time together or had difficult discussions, it was because he had emotionally checked out, and because he had a hidden agenda which made a proper discussion impossible. In his case, this was various OW.

I do think that a time will come where you believe for yourself that this is unacceptable, and a cause for taking action yourself.

But right now, you are in shock, and are in for a very tough time processing what the hell is happening.

Poor you. Izzy is right, though.

Bucharest · 04/04/2012 13:08

Are you sure this colleague is 52?

What with him only being 40 and all?

ChloeHea · 04/04/2012 13:29

OP, sorry to hear your story.
I'm sorry but, through my own experience, it sounds similar to my Ex. 40, love you not in love with you, no-one else, blah, blah, blah.

Well there was ... a work colleague!
I'd been with him since late teens, knew nothing else, was absolutely petrified of being 'alone'. Tried to work thinks through for nearly a year!!!!!! He was still seeing her despite trying to appear the good guy ... I told him to go and I have never looked back!
Don't get me wrong, I have had some very very unhappy days, he still continues to be a cock but I think that's because he knows that I don't need him!!! I am happy, have a lovely house, look fab :o, have a new boyfriend etc!

My advice to you would be stay strong and if he attacks you personally through email/text/phone etc rise above it, don't reply and, if you have to, keep all of your emotions out of it, don't attack him or put him down. You will be the winner in all of this, however, it is a really hard, emotional rollercoaster ...
Thinking of you x

PostBellumBugsy · 04/04/2012 13:44

How awful OP & what a coward, hiding behind his ipad. Izzy has given you great advice - go for it.

MadAboutHotChoc · 04/04/2012 13:59

I love your style Izzy!!

solidgoldbrass · 04/04/2012 14:20

What a man like this is communicating with behaviour like this is that he wants you to be his servant. He wants all his home comforts to remain in place while he withdraws everything from you: attention, politeness, probably even cash. You're supposed to be so focussed on making him not leave that you accept being treated like this.
Tell him to go. And tell everyone else that you threw him out because he said the marriage was over and you weren't prepared to be his unpaid housekeeper.

Lueji · 04/04/2012 14:34

What SGB said.

Send him a text or e-mail (preferably when he's about to leave work, so he doesn't have much time to think about it), stating that because of what he said (quote), you are letting him go. That you love him too much to force him to be with someone he doesn't love and in a failed marriage.

And that he'll be able to collect his suitcases from the front of the house.

In the meantime contact a solicitor about finances, etc.

Izzy gave good advice :) (read after writing the above), but, personally, I'd prefer to have it written for the record.

Original poster
georgeandfreyasmummy · 04/04/2012 14:47

Im really worried about money we dont have a joint account instead he gives me £60 cash each Friday for food shopping etc - i've literally got £10 to my name i have no idea about the finances as he is an accountant he looks after all the bills etc Im not even sure how much he earns

OP posts:
PostBellumBugsy · 04/04/2012 14:51

Have you got family nearby G&FMum? Could anyone lend you some money? Do you have a debit or credit card? Surely you must have a bank account somewhere?
How do you buy clothes etc?

TheCrackFox · 04/04/2012 14:54

You need to make an appointment with CAB to find out what benefits you are entitled to.

Do you have anything you coukd sell (jewellery is always good) if he really drops you in the shit?

Lueji · 04/04/2012 14:55

Check paperwork at home this afternoon and, if necessary, borrow from family and friends.
Worst case scenario, contact your council for emergency funds.

You should be able to get a first free solicitor consultation, even on the phone, and draw a plan regarding your financial security.

His control of your finances is a big red flag. You don't even have a joint account?

Lueji · 04/04/2012 14:56

He would also have to be a monster to leave his children without financial support.

In which case, you are well rid of him.

SoupDreggon · 04/04/2012 15:01

It sounds more and more like you will be well rid of him TBH. He seems like a control freak - another reason to take control of the situation yourself and tell him to leave.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/04/2012 15:13

Something worth doing straight away - whatever happens next - is opening a bank account and then registering the new account for Tax Credits and Child Benefit payments.

How to Change your Bank Account Details for Child Benefit

Tax Credit Helpline details

Original poster
georgeandfreyasmummy · 04/04/2012 15:13

i have my own account from when i was working but it doesnt have any money in it as my maternity pay ended last year. my mum always buys me clothes for birthday & Christmas & i always ask people to buy the kids clothes instead of toys (thry already have loads of toys plus i pick up second hand toys now & then via Facebook etc) plus my friend is a shopoholic so Im always getting bits from her!
money has been an issue for a long time ever since we had the children i always make sure the children dont go without but he lives a completely different life us - he had a bonus last month so brought himself an ipad & a vita (whatever thst is!). he goes out every other weekend whereas i always meet friends for coffee at home or cook them

OP posts:
Original poster
georgeandfreyasmummy · 04/04/2012 15:15

cook for them - i dont cook my friends!!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/04/2012 15:16

If you already have your own account, get the CB transferred before you do anything else.

PostBellumBugsy · 04/04/2012 15:17

G&M - everything you write about this man sounds horrible. I can't believe you don't have some kind of joint account. The £60 a week thing is mean & unbelievably 1950s.

However, you are where you are. It sounds like your mum might be able to help a bit? Also, if you have a bank account - why don't you organise a loan?

Lueji · 04/04/2012 15:18

So, he gives you 60£ for food for him, you and your child and that's it?
And you have to rely on gifts from other people to get clothes for the child?

It sounds like grounds for divorce by itself.

Ephiny · 04/04/2012 15:21

Yes get the CB transferred to you, that would be sensible regardless of what happens with your marriage.

I am Shock about him spending his money on expensive gadgets for himself while you have to manage on £60/week and rely on friends for clothes for the children, that is absolutely awful! How dare he treat you like that Angry.

Tbh you might find you are better off if you separate and he has to pay child support, you will be entitled to more benefits as a lone parent as well.

Lueji · 04/04/2012 15:22

I assume he pays the rent/mortgage, or do you own the house?
And the bills.

At worse, you would need a small loan to cover food.
And leave bills go unpaid until you sort out some financial aspects or arrange emergency funds with the council.

Do you have an overdraft facility at all?

threeleftfeet · 04/04/2012 15:22

G&M this should help give you an idea of what your rights are in relation to the house.

Relationship breakdown - your housing rights

Lots more info here

HTH :)