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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband told me last night that he no longer loves me but isn't leavinig unless I tell him to?

63 replies

georgeandfreyasmummy · 04/04/2012 09:59

My husband told me last night that he no longer loves me or thinks I'm the right person for him however he will only leave if I tell him to. I am a stay at home mum of two preschool children am completely financially reliant on him. And beside that I want my marriage to work I want to raise our two childdren together. I am in a complete state today - he's at work now so won't talk to me that's why I'm writing this because I need to somehow function today and be there for my gorgeous children.
His argument is that he is fundamentally a selfish person that he is nearly 40 and cannot change that fact - that we have been together 13 years and the relationship is now beyond repair.

By the way he told me this whilst playing around on his Ipad last night - he wouldn't even look at me.

OP posts:
TheCrackFox · 04/04/2012 10:02

I don't want to sound horrible but there is more than likely another woman involved. He wants you to throw him out so he can maintain his good guy image.

Sorry.

MyleeneCrass · 04/04/2012 10:04

Start searching for evidence...

LentillyFart · 04/04/2012 10:05

Well he's got one thing right - he is a selfish bastard for dumping that on you and trying to carry on as normal. Sounds to me like classic mid life crisis or OW stuff and although this is not what you want to hear your best course is probably to let him go right ahead and have his crisis - but not on your time. Kick his ass out, get some legal advice esp re financial support and take comfort from friends and family if you can. It's going to be hard but you'll come out the other side much stronger and happier.

SoupDragon · 04/04/2012 10:06

I would ask him to leave.

MadAboutHotChoc · 04/04/2012 10:15

Sorry, have been in your position Sad

It is another woman - he has already admitted to being selfish so its not surprising. Its very rare for a man to want to leave his home comforts and family to go and live on his own.

I would do some digging around - check mobile, emails, deleted folders, internet history, credit cards, pockets & car.

happystory · 04/04/2012 10:17

No advice but am sorry he has done this to you

redrubyshoes · 04/04/2012 10:19

Another woman for certain. Sorry OP.

Squitten · 04/04/2012 10:19

The hard truth is that your marriage does not exist. You can't make it work because he has told you that he does not love you and it is beyond repair. Whether he's having an affair or not is kind of redundant beyond that.

He is being a thoroughly spineless bastard by claiming that you have to throw him out - he can claim to be the victim that way.

I would be inclined to oblige him

Original poster
georgeandfreyasmummy · 04/04/2012 10:24

he did say that he had been talking to a work colleague about our marriage (apparently she's 52) who has told him she thinks the relationship is dead- he has only been working there 18 months - how can she know him or me?

the wanting to look like a nice guy definately rings true

OP posts:
Original poster
georgeandfreyasmummy · 04/04/2012 10:27

thanks everyone for your comments - havent told my friends or family yet - i suppose i dont want it to be real

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/04/2012 10:41

What a nasty way to go about things and no wonder you're feeling shocked. Very cruel to be that casual about something so important, especially if it's totally unexpected. Presumably, if you throw him out his rationale is that he didn't leave he was pushed? Hmm As for the colleague, 40 year-old men can have affairs with 52 year-old women, of course... I'd be curious to know the truth but in the meantime, while he's at work, have his stuff in a bin-bag waiting for him when he gets home. He can explain from a distance just as easily as sat on a sofa using an I-Pad. Once he's out, call a friend. Good luck and stay strong.

Houseofplain · 04/04/2012 10:46

What he is saying to you is. He wants to stay at the house, of the house, kids, you, wife.

Whilst having sex with the OW, but it's ok because he has told you how things stand right? Or he wants you to kick him out and then out comes the ow a few weeks later.

Just kick him out, no good can come of this.

countingto10 · 04/04/2012 10:49

He's given this colleague a window into your marriage, he should be discussing any problems with you not her Hmm. He is either in the marriage or out of it - you cannot be responsible for or control his fidelity, that is down to him, but you can control how you react to this. Suggest his stuff in binbags will galvanise his thoughts etc. and ask how long the affair has been going on when you hand him his stuff. Get mad, get some legal advice and take control.

Sending you all the strength you need. Get some rl support as well.

Original poster
georgeandfreyasmummy · 04/04/2012 10:56

I just feel so worthless ive given him 13 years of my life. in a way it would be easier to handle if he sat me down (minus the ipad) & said look i dont love u anymore i think we should get a divorce etc etc . as the mother of his children do i not deserve that???

OP posts:
redrubyshoes · 04/04/2012 10:58

I would ask him to leave and then see if you can go away for a few days with the DCs and give yourself time to think and get a plan together.

Have you family/friends you could stay with?

So sorry George this is a horrible place to be.

Ephiny · 04/04/2012 10:58

I would suspect there is someone else as well. And think it's pretty selfish and cowardly of him to tell you something like this, but then put the responsibility of breaking up the marriage onto you.

He could at least do you the courtesy of putting down his iPad and having a proper honest talk about this. I can imagine how hurt and shocked you must feel at the moment, but you need to insist on being treated with some respect, I think.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/04/2012 11:01

You're not worthless, you're just married to a selfish arse with no consideration for anyone but himself. He's treating family and marriage with this casual & callous contempt because he's too much of a coward to be honest and face the music. Yes you deserve better. You're in shock, your head will be spinning with a million conflicting thoughts and you need time away from him to gather yourself a little and work out how you feel. Pick a close friend and call them for support.

ErikNorseman · 04/04/2012 11:04

He is cheating with her, or planning to :( Sorry. Try to be strong, make him leave, let him realise what a fuck up he is being and if he comes back with his tail between his legs then you get to call the shots. If he doesn't - then you saved yourself additional pain :(

redrubyshoes · 04/04/2012 11:09

Give yourself time to get over the shock and then come out kicking. He has chosen this and foisted it upon you.

Avoid alcohol and think at least three times before saying anything. Talk low, talk slow and don't say too much, he has everything to gain from any loss of control you show.

Get your friends and family around you - you will need them more than you will know. Try to eat and try to sleep or at least rest.

Get a lawyer and start keeping a diary - just of when, where, how he contacted you, money paid into the bank account, money taken out or you may choose to freeze them for the time being.

DairyNips · 04/04/2012 11:10

Sorry you are going through this, must be devastatingSad Don't let him call the shots though, no matter how down you feel this is his fault, not yours.

Startingagain88 · 04/04/2012 11:14

OP, I'm so sorry.

Four weeks ago, i had the same line from my partner of 15 years ' I'm not in love with you anymore, we are different people' blah blah...

Then he slips into the conversation that he has met someone else.. unfortunately these cowards rarely leave their cosy home setup unless they have a OW to go to. He is keeping his options open....mine is too although he is now living with the OW (first he said they were just friends lol!)...hes playing with my emotions sending me emails, text, trying to call etc trying to keep me 'on side'.

The way he has told you this is disgusting, giving your feelings no regard, my EXDP told me and within twenty mins he had gone...he was that cold...leaving me in a heap on the floor.

I afraid he has checked out of your relationship and detached from you, thats why he cares so little about the devastation his revelation has caused you (as with my EXDP).

Ask him to leave for a few days..... till you can work through how you feel....get some legal advice.... this will make you feel much stronger and more in control of the situation.

Good Luck

Startingagain88 · 04/04/2012 11:21

OP, you are not worthless, you are hurt, bewildered and in shock, the thing is you have had 12 hours or so to try to process this, he has had a lot longer he has been thinking about this for some time.

He has made his decision and detached, you are in the eye of the storm.

Thinking of you x

awbless · 04/04/2012 11:37

OP. Startingagain and Redrubyshoes have given you sound advice.

The only thing you can control here is yourself. Get advice and be sure of your ground. Tell him to leave - don't go into explanations, don't tell him what you intend to do, don't give anything away until you are sure what you are doing and how you feel.

doctordwt · 04/04/2012 11:40

Oh, there's someone else for sure.

Get evidence, and divorce him for adultery. Then watch him try and still look the good guy. That's the aim, as others have said - he wants you to chuck him out so that he's the pathetic lost man. It may even be a tactic to force the hand of the OW, who may actually not be so keen on having him and the ipad cluttering up her sofa every night.

Get digging...

abedelia · 04/04/2012 11:49

Yes, he sounds like a real catch, if he can do that to you. I'll bet that once he's foisted upon her, the OW won't be half as keen - or if she is at first, his real character will dawn upon her pretty swiftly. In the early stages of a relationship you can hide a lot, but not so much once you're together 24/7.