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Original poster

I want to forgive DH's affair and 'let go' but how do I do that?

55 replies

RightFedUp · 04/04/2012 08:49

Hi
9 months on after DH's affair. We've done couples therapy and he's stayed on for individual therapy. He's done everything he can possibly do to make things right and we both really want the marriage to continue. It's way better than it was before as the lessons have been well learned by both of us.

My question is, how do I just let it go? I'm ok for days, then it comes back round again in my head and gnaws at me. I can't change the past but how can I let go of it and move on?

Any ideas, please?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/04/2012 09:12

You can't. You've been very badly hurt, your trust has been betrayed and you'll never forget what happened and what he did. You can have all the therapy in the world and learn all the lessons there are to learn but, fundmentally, when someone has let you down your feelings towards them change and no amount of rationalising makes any difference. The relationship may be better than before in various ways but what you'll never get back is the innocence and naivety that made you so trusting and vulnerable ... you'll always be ever-so-slightly on your guard and your heart will be a little harder than it was in the past.

Sme manage to do it but many others find the 'gnawing' you describe becomes intolerable.

Original poster
RightFedUp · 04/04/2012 09:34

Cogito, thanks for your reply. You have said 'you can't' and that 'Some manage to do it'. I really want to be one of the 'some' who manage to do it Smile

I will never be able to have the unquestioned trust with a partner again because my DH was the last person anyone would think would do the dirty.

We are trying to build a new relationship rather than go back to what it was because neither of us was happy. I just want to be able to let go of that 'gnawing'.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/04/2012 09:48

'You can't' let it go and stop the gnawing feelings that you are currently experiencing. What 'some manage to do' is decide they can compromise their standards, tolerate those feelings and accept that living in a perpetual state of mild mistrust is going to be a permanent part of their life from now on. That's the distinction.

Original poster
RightFedUp · 04/04/2012 10:04

I see what you mean. Sadly, the perpetual state of mild distrust will always be with me unless I live alone. I'd be more likely to trust my DH than anyone else, strangely, as having seen the destruction, I'm convinced he wouldn't be going down that road again.

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 04/04/2012 10:04

Can I ask you what kind of things he has done to help your recover apart from counselling?

It does take time - people say it can take 2 years to be able to move on properly. I don't think one can ever forget that an affair has taken place. I also think how quickly you are able to move on does depend on length/intensity of affair and on your H's behaviour was during the affair, upon discovery and after discovery.

MadAboutHotChoc · 04/04/2012 10:07

Do you think you are referring to loss of innocence and blind trust? These are the things you will never get back again Sad

MadAboutHotChoc · 04/04/2012 10:12

Do you think you are referring to loss of innocence and blind trust? These are the things you will never get back again Sad

PostBellumBugsy · 04/04/2012 10:23

I'm not sure you can let go of it as such. I think you have to acknowledge it, accept it & then move forward each day at a time. Some days it will come back at you. Don't fight it, but try and acknowledge that your mind will go back to it. If you don't fight it & try to force yourself not to think about it - you'll probably find that you think about it less.

In the counselling I had after my H had his affair, this was a technique my counsellor taught me & I found it very helpful. May not work for you - but worth a try.

belagh · 04/04/2012 10:27

don't confuse forgiveness and letting go with condoning what he did. it does not mean what he did was ok and that you are ok with it or that you take any blame or guilt

PositiveAttitude · 04/04/2012 10:41

What 'some manage to do' is decide they can compromise their standards, tolerate those feelings and accept that living in a perpetual state of mild mistrust is going to be a permanent part of their life from now on. Sorry CES, but I disagree with you. I do not think that I have compromised my standards at all and I do not live in a perpetual state of mistrust at all.

OP, You can do it. You obviously want your marriage to work and both you and DH have worked hard to get to that stage. For us, I made a really conscious decision to draw a line under the past and move on, leaving it all behind. It wasn't easy, but you have done all the hard work already. The "gnawing" feeling will die down and eventually will disappear. Something that worked for me was that when I recognised a "gnawing" feeling I would consciously thing "Go away" and turn the thoughts another way. I know that probably sounds pathetic on here and i cant really describe it, but it is something that worked for me.

I really wish you well and hope it all works out for you and DH.

Original poster
RightFedUp · 04/04/2012 10:43

I don't want to forget as I know that's an unrealistic expectation and I think both of us have learned a great deal about ourselves and each other through this. Again, I'm not after recovering innocence and blind trust as I know they are gone for good.

My DH admitted the affair when there was no way he would ever have been found out. he was abroad with work. It was very brief but very intense. He was going to leave because he couldn't live a lie here. Also, I think they both wanted to make a go of it together, though they hadn't made plans.

He answered all my questions, gave free access to phone/ laptop etc, read through and discussed the Shirley Glass book together for many many hours.

He is facing his demons from his childhood via therapy after covering them over for years. He's doing major work on the causes of his inability to express his feelings - no matter how much it hurts. He can stand to see me hurting without avoiding it.

He has taken total responsibility for his actions leading up to the affair and we have agreed to share responsibility for the state of our marriage (not good), though he wanted to take the lion's share of responsibility for that.

He loved the place abroad where he was sent to work but he has refused to go there since the affair.

He has done all the usual stuff like flowers and nights away to make us feel special to each other again. He asks me how I'm feeling and starts conversations - we often hardly spoke before, other than to get things done or about the kids. He makes sure we text in the daytime to keep in touch, have a laugh etc. He is desperate to repair the damage - because he understands how deep it goes.

In fact, I am concerned for him. He so hates what he's done as it was against everything he thought he believed. He's appauled by his own behaviour and so remorseful. He hates what he's done and I want to forgive him and move on to the (possibly harder) task of trying to help him to forgive himself. I don't want to be bitter and lose our current excellent relationship because I can't let the hurt go.

OP posts:
Original poster
RightFedUp · 04/04/2012 10:46

Lots of encouraging ideas as I was typing my long reply.

Thanks for them. I'll have a good think and give them a try.

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PullUpAPew · 04/04/2012 10:47

I think first of all you may need to accept how you feel and just live with it for a while. Stop pressuring yourself to get over it. Nine moths is a short time to process something big like that.

I have never had this happen to me. But DS2 nearly died and I was very anxious for a long time. Everyone told me he was fine, I just needed to trust it. Actually, the first step to healing was to accept I couldn't trust it. Gradually through accepting my anxiety it reduced a little, then a little more. I am no longer anxious. But I am changed forever by what happened.

Your husband has betrayed you. That is a fact. You would be an idiot to blindly trust so quickly. You are not an idiot therefore you are cautious.

I think you can never go back to the way you were before, even though you may be able to find a new happy perhaps.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/04/2012 10:51

Of course you've compromised PositiveAttitude. Your 'go away' technique is just denial. A lot of people who live in denial can find that the suppression of their real feelings causes other problems. Weight-gain, alcohol misuse, depression...

Original poster
RightFedUp · 04/04/2012 10:54

A new happy is what we're after, PullUp. There's no going back to what we were like before as neither of us wants that.
Hope your DS2 is thriving. Smile

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/04/2012 10:55

FFS Rightfedup.... can't you see he's making this all about him? It's standard selfish bastard practice... 'pity me, forgive me, I have problems, help me, I am weak'. All very flattering but what about you? What do you want? Keep your eyes wide open because he sounds like he's lulling you into a false sense of security... again.

Original poster
RightFedUp · 04/04/2012 10:58

Cogito, I used to be such a 'black and white' person but as I've got older, compromising my standards isn't the big 'no-no' it might have been 10 years ago. I take your point about suppression of feelings, though.

OP posts:
countingto10 · 04/04/2012 10:59

It's still very early days for you. 3 yrs down the line for me, still think about it (anniversary of it all over Easter so never a good time for me) but I don't obsess about it any more and there is not much pain attached to it iyswim.

Try and do things for just you, build YOU up, work on your self esteem. I started horse riding again after a 20 yr break and have had my own horse for over a year now Grin. She is just for me, to give me space etc - a totally selfish thing as I had given so much to the marriage and kids with dh doing most of the taking.

The mantra for me was one day at a time and (on a really bad day) tomorrow is another day Smile

Good luck.

PullUpAPew · 04/04/2012 11:00

I agree with Cogito - I had many problems trying to make my anxiety 'go away' - when I said 'my anxiety is a natural result of the scary situation I was in', little by little it improved - through natural healing I guess.

I do not know if saying 'my mistrust/insecurity of my husband is a natural result of his affair' could ever work though, because I don't know how I could be nice to someone whilst simultaneously acknowledging that they had betrayed me.

Original poster
RightFedUp · 04/04/2012 11:01

Cognito, you couldn't be more wrong. He isn't making it about him. It's about us and he is part of us. He could so easily wangle it so he could go abroad again by saying his boss had forced him into it. He's keen to understand what I want and he's not self pitying. His wish is that he'd got himself sorted out years ago.

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ErikNorseman · 04/04/2012 11:02

Let go? I'm not sure. It's hard. My mum is currently dealing with the renewed relationship between my dad and my 29yo half brother who was the result of dad's affair. She moved on years ago but whenever she talks to me about the OW and the way my dad behaved she is still angry! I doubt you can ever forget it but you can focus on the positives and try to put it behind you.

You can forgive infidelity (yes with a dollop of denial, so what, it's self preservation!) but I don't know whether you ever really 'get over it'. I'm not 'over' my miscarriage for example, if I think about it I do feel sad, but I hardly ever think about it. Maybe you just need time.

PullUpAPew · 04/04/2012 11:03

RightFedUp you have posted a lot about how bad he feels and very little about your feelings. How do you feel? Do you get to talk about how you feel, or does that then end up with him feeling 'bad' so you get back to talking about how he feels?

Original poster
RightFedUp · 04/04/2012 11:06

Counting - good to hear that you're doing well. We are planning a long weekend away somewhere new over the 'anniversary' to have something to look forward to together.

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PullUpAPew · 04/04/2012 11:10

RightFedUp I am going to be blunt, and sorry, but the anniversary thing is a bad idea. It is not possible to know how you will feel, stop trying to 'look forward' to it. If it were me, I might want to rip his head off on that date rather than pretend to be over it.

Original poster
RightFedUp · 04/04/2012 11:11

Pullup - yes I have spent many hours talking about how I feel and it doesn't end up turning back to him. He isn't asking for sympathy at all.

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