I want to forgive DH's affair and 'let go' but how do I do that?

[RightFedUp]

Hi
9 months on after DH's affair. We've done couples therapy and he's stayed on for individual therapy. He's done everything he can possibly do to make things right and we both really want the marriage to continue. It's way better than it was before as the lessons have been well learned by both of us.

My question is, how do I just let it go? I'm ok for days, then it comes back round again in my head and gnaws at me. I can't change the past but how can I let go of it and move on?

Any ideas, please?

But what are you doing for you - this was something our counsellor was very specific about, I did nothing for me. It helps to think about what you enjoyed doing as a child/teenager (hence the horse riding for me). You need something just for you

Counting - I would have to work on that. What I enjoy most at the moment is putting lots of energy into my new job (promotion) and that is doing my self esteem no end of good!

Pullup - If I felt like that about him, I wouldn't still be with him.

Ok so you don't feel like you want to rip his head off.

How do you feel about the affair? You still haven't said.

Sorry if my last post reads a bit bossy knickers btw, I don't mean to be, but I just reread the whole thread and you haven't mentioned any feelings anywhere.

OP - it sounds like you both have done really well and come a long way. I think you need to give it more time - 9 months is not that long. Its been nearly 11 months for me and I have found that I feel a bit more settled compared with a couple of months ago.

Whenever I get the urge to dwell on things, I allow myself 5 mins to think about them and then go and do something productive.

I am doing the same thing re the anniversary - everyone is different and things are not as raw so I think I will be fine.

I think one of the things one must have to do is to ACCEPT that your feelings for him will now be different. Anything else is a lie. It has to be. He isn't the person you thought he was. Fuck all the 'I'm weak - I've had a hard childhood' shit - fact is, he's a grown up married father who knows very well that an affair is a bad thing. He didn't do it because he is so confused and hurt by his past - he did it because at that precise moment he decided that sleeping with someone else and enjoying that feeling was more important than staying faithful to his family. He then changed his mind back and regretted his actions - but the FACT is that you now KNOW you cannot trust him 100% because his brain was capable of weighing up his options and discarding YOU.

Maybe facing that and also making that clear to HIM - that he's changed HIS life forever - would help. Accept the crack is permanent and instead of papering over it, work on living WITH it.

Secondly I agree that doing things for you is a good approach. Essentially, what's happened is that your trust and security in the shape of your life has been badly damaged. A huge part of your foundation has been ripped away. You are naturally trying to repair that by repairing that same foundation - your relationship. But that has its problems - you know that there are flaws in it. Once it's rebuilt, will it actually provide the foundation you need? You can't know. That will be a major source of anxiety. I would suggest that some of the time would be better spent rebuilding a new and independent set of foundations - not instead of your relationship, but built to coexist (hopefully) with it. New friends, hobbies, things that you pull into your life in order to have more than him and your relationship to sustain you. Pessimistic? Maybe... but I personally think that getting to a point where you know deep down that your life consists of much more than just your couple relationship and if the worst happened, you would be fine without him is essentially a good way to be and might help you to feel stronger, more magnanimous to him than you would be otherwise. Instead of clinging to him in desperation, you want to get to a point where you feel strong and in control of a future which doesn't depend on him and his 'recovery' and 'changes'.

I agree - it seems very much about him at the moment. Take some time to also allow the simple truth that he DECIDED TO FUCK AROUND. It's much easier on the soul to come up with reasons why at some level it's not his fault - but it also causes problems. You need to be angry - it's justified and healthy.

Thanks Dr for your post. we have already been through all the things you've said. I know I would be absolutely fine without him. I have got right to the bottom of what he's done and the choices he made and looked them squarely in the face (and so has he).
I have been livid and said all the things I've needed to say to him and he has mosty definitely NOT sought to defend or excuse his actions in the way your first paragraph suggests. in fact, he hasn't sough to excuse them at all. As I have said earlier - he takes full responsibility for them. We are both fully aware that it's his fault.

The fact is, I like the man. I enjoy being with him as well as being on my own or with friends. And I love him and not in some abject clingy way.

I'd just like to repeat hopefully for the last time - HE HAS TAKEN FULL RESPONSIBILITY AND IT IS HIS FAULT.

Pullup, I'm not writing my feelings about the affair as they are the same as most other spouses on here who have been cheated on. I'm looking for advice about a specific thing.

Madabout - that 5 mins idea is fab. Thanks. I'll give it a go.

Then, to go back to your first post:

'My question is, how do I just let it go? I'm ok for days, then it comes back round again in my head and gnaws at me. I can't change the past but how can I let go of it and move on?'

• firstly, wait. It's early days actually, so give it time - expect it to gnaw, for months more.

• secondly, separate now and then - when it comes and gnaws - look at it and say yes that's the thing that changed it. I'm now in a new relationship and things are different.

Hmm the second bit - I don't think I'm getting my point across well...

Maybe also look at HOW you feel when it gnaws. What are the exact feelings? Do you feel like you've been taken for a ride, feel angry with yourself at that point for 'accepting' it - angry that you're still there and he's presumably at that point merrily chatting away to someone at work or something? If so - again, remind yourself that things are different for all the reasons above. You haven't blindly accepted it, you are here only on certain conditions and the reality is that the future holds, for him, guilt and sorrow for YEARS to come. Are you angry at her? if so, pity her - she's a cheat, you aren't. Are you angry at him? If so - feel pity. He's in a hell you'll never be in - to be enduring the mess the same as you but knowing he did it and he could have chosen not to - god, imagine living with that.

i don't know if that helps...

some stunningly good advice from doctordwt. Part of accepting what happened is acknowledging how you feel. I'm sure that is why the counsellor advised me to accept that I would think about what had happened & I shouldn't try to turn those thoughts off. It is what you then do with those thoughts that matter.

I've been through this - and am five years on from where you are - take things as they come - I think women have a tendency to dwell - I don't like to generalise but I certainly have found the whole process extemely difficult with way too much dwelling but have found it hard to stop at times - don't allow yourself to get into a mental loop with this. Well done for getting this far - things will definitely get easier and as other posters have said it doesn't completely go away and you can't expect it to - look for the positives - this whole situation turned our lives around and now DH are very happy - I wouldn't have imagined it but there you are.

It really does help DR, thank you.

You're right about giving myself time. I think I should look at at least a year. I'm an 'anniversary' person (in the sense of 'this time last year...') and I know from bereavement that it's better after a year. In my head, I'm looking towards our next wedding anniversary. The last one was a month or so after he'd told me about the affair but strangely, it was our best one ever - though this was probably due to the 'hysterical bonding' effect. And the fact that it was the only one either of us had ever paid any attention to!

I get your second point, I think , about separating then and now.

When it gnaws, I feel several things. Obviously very deeply hurt and betrayed. I also feel sad for the years we lost when we both wanted the same thing ie the kind of thing we have now. Neither of us knew how to ask each other for it as we'd both built walls. I do still feel angry sometimes but not nearly as much as I did at the beginning. I also feel jealous in that I would have liked to have been abroad with no kids to look after and a new person who was interested in me and made me feel special - resentful is probably a better word. I'm fascinated by her in the way most wives are. I'm disappointed in him. I despise what he did but not the whole of him iyswim.

The pity thing, I already do. I would absolutely hate to be him, knowing what pain he's caused to me, the OW and possibly to our children in the future if we split. He is genuinely remorseful and eaten up with guilt. He really does understand what he's done and in no sense tries to minimise it.

The thing is, he would move heaven and earth to turn the clock back if he could, but I'm not so sure if I would. We've learned huge amounts about ourselves and each other. I can't honestly see any other catalyst that would have caused this to happen. We are different people now. I certainly like myself and him a lot more!

What I'm trying to say is that it happenened - can't forget or change that. Ultimately, a lot of good has/could come out of it in one way or another. There is no way I could 'punish' him more than he's punishing himself - even if I wanted to.

Separating then and now, allowing 5 minutes 'dwelling' time and giving myself time seem to be a good way forward.

And obviously, we'll keep talking.

Thanks again Dr

'The thing is, he would move heaven and earth to turn the clock back if he could, but I'm not so sure if I would. We've learned huge amounts about ourselves and each other. I can't honestly see any other catalyst that would have caused this to happen. We are different people now. I certainly like myself and him a lot more!'

• that is brilliant though. Next time you get the pang, focus on THAT.

I think you will get through it...

Good luck!

Thanks for your help

"He answered all my questions, gave free access to phone/ laptop etc, read through and discussed the Shirley Glass book together for many many hours.

He is facing his demons from his childhood via therapy after covering them over for years. He's doing major work on the causes of his inability to express his feelings - no matter how much it hurts. He can stand to see me hurting without avoiding it.

He has taken total responsibility for his actions leading up to the affair and we have agreed to share responsibility for the state of our marriage (not good), though he wanted to take the lion's share of responsibility for that.

He loved the place abroad where he was sent to work but he has refused to go there since the affair.

He has done all the usual stuff like flowers and nights away to make us feel special to each other again. He asks me how I'm feeling and starts conversations - we often hardly spoke before, other than to get things done or about the kids. He makes sure we text in the daytime to keep in touch, have a laugh etc. He is desperate to repair the damage - because he understands how deep it goes."

WOW. Yes, you are going to heal. In fact, I predict that your marriage and your love will be BETTER and DEEPER than it was before, if all the above you say he is taking on board, is true...

9 months is very soon. Give yourself 2-3 years to be calm with it, good luck, all the best.

Abitwobblynow - that's encouraging to hear.

I think I'll also acknowledge the 'gnawing' feeling by just saying 'it hurts' - because it does. I had been getting fed up with myself and putting pressure on myself to move on too quickly.

I agree with all those that say about time. It is very early days. I would say that 7 years on for me and dh, we have been at the "can watch infidelity on the TV without any arkwardness" for a good couple of years. It can work, all the very best :)

That's fab Shakey. My DH was even saying sorry when that ad came on for the hotel and there's a guy at the end with a hole in his sock!

RFU - I understand - I am now 2 1/2 years after I discovered (via facebook email from OW husband....) that DH was having an affair (NOv 26 2009....). I posted my shock on Mumsnet before even confronting DH - got tremendous wisdom and support form MNetters. DH finished the affair immeditely - we didn't have counselling because actaully we both knew what was wrong with our relationship - and we decided we wanted to stay together and fix it. The first few weeks were very tough, as OW was part of our extended social circle, and we both could not avoid her. However, DH did not tell her that I knew - we both acted normally if we encountered her, and I gradually found it easier. Now if I see her it barely registers. We have a much better relationship now, and altho of course a bit of naive trust has gone, it has been replaced by a much more realistic understanding of what he and I both need. I am not complacent, but would grudgingly admit ( not to DH!!!) that it was probably a good thing overall as it gave us both a wakeup call and put us in a better place. Good luck - you are halfway out of the dark...

In fact RFU can I just say that I wish I had your H. I wish.

Basically it gets down to not being about the affair (because that was about his coping skills).

What it gets down to, is two things:

whether he 'gets it' - the true realisation of the harm he has done, and how much his choices have hurt and damages what he holds dear;

and whether he will talk about it/face up to things.

86% of marriages rocked by an affair, that talk, heal (beyond affairs network).

Your H apologised during an ad? He has got it. He is prepared to face your pain.

Lucky, lucky you. What's done is done and cannot be undone, but his actions to heal you - that's what counts. And in this you are lucky. You can tell him so, from me! Well done Mr RFU for the courage and integrity and care you are showing. Its what we do with a mistake, that counts.

Really spot on advice. I'd have found this massively helpful five years ago - my DH did very much as yours OP and things have only got better for us. I can remember time markers and after a year was definitely one and it took me about 2 years to really make progress. There were times when I felt desperate and wish I'd been left in the dark, but you just have to carry on knowing it'll get better - I would have taken such solace from some of the things being said on here. The solidarity of other women would have helped me a lot - as a counterbalance to my jaundiced view of the OW.

Woz - that must have been horrible for you. At least the OW has gone back overseas and I don't have to run into her.

Abit - he definitely does get it. I'm thinking from your post that yours didn't

Thanks Aymum - there have been times when I've thought kicking him out would have been a lot less painful. Good to here things have got better for you.

I second the vote for good advice on here.

'hear'

RFU - no ): I really never did have what I thought I had ):

Very painful

That's so sad. How have you managed to get through it?

Were you reading my mind?A year further on than you RFU and thanks for posting because I still get days when I get that sad dull 'it will never feel the same' feeling and my DH did pretty much all the same things yours has done except I found out from OW's partner, and that for me has been the big sticking point.His EA got interrupted - not ended by him.
But I have to move on and although I fully intend to stay with him I try not to put too much pressure on myself when I feel myself dwelling on it and grieving for how trusting and secure I felt.But I've come to accept I will never feel that way again and try to enjoy our 'new' relationship which in many ways is better,kinder and more considerate on a day to day basis.I've also got a lot better at allowing myself to 'dwell' for a little while then putting it aside and getting on with my day either being busy or treating myself kindly.
Thanks also for other wise posts that help me keep resolve to live in the here and now- especially Doctordwt's.
You sound to be doing really well RFU.All the best