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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Huge mess. Need some support please =[.

73 replies

MetalMess · 03/04/2012 14:10

Helppp.

Don't know what to think or do.
In a body shivering state of anger and upset.

Had some problems with the car and DP is at a work trial so we needed to change over the insurance to our old car.
Went onto his email as he said to find a quote he had for a new insurance company.

He has had problems recently with being addicted to games and spending money we don't have on them.
I looked into his deleted folder and clicked recover deleted messages whilst I was there to make sure that he hadn't been spending anymore on it. Flame me for that if you want but I will not apologize for doing so.

And instead I find a million emails from the website 'Sex in the UK'.
It looked to me as though he has signed up to it.

I always had a problem before with him watching porn but left it because it was probably me being more insecure than anything else, even though I hate the idea of it too.
But this?

So I rang him and asked him what the hell eh thought he was doing.
I was so angry I ended up putting the phone down on him.
Then I rang back again, apparently he says the website has been popping up on him or something.
They even took £5 out of his bank account making him overdrawn!

I went onto it, his profile is partly filled out, it has a picture of him, saying what fucking sex positions he like (BARF) and even says he has a fuckinng goatee.
But he apparently hasn't done this!

WHAT THE FUCKINGG HELL sjnfsahfiousahnfikbfs.

I just want to curl up into a little ball and cry.

He says we will talk when he gets home.
And asked me can I really think he would do that after all teh effort he is putting in to stop smoking and for the family blah blah blah.

Sorry its long.

And probably all over the place.
Just need a bit of hand holding a shoulder to bawl into I think.

And the bloody porn sites he looks at mostly seem to teenage ones. How fucking wrong. Does he not bloody realize they might be underage.

EUGH.

OP posts:
fussbucket · 03/04/2012 14:14

Didn't want to read and run, but I'm going to have to all the same as I need to be out the house in 2 mins - hope some good VR friends will post for you soon. It does sound like he's a wanker frankly. UnMNetty hugs xx

AnyFucker · 03/04/2012 14:15

I am really sorry.

I am not sure how he can deny anything, bearing in mind the stark evidence you have found.

Teenage porn ? How sordid.

Is this a man you can respect ? Is this a man that respects you, and above all, women ?

batsaboutbats · 03/04/2012 14:17

just try and calm down and think 'this too will pass'.
He will come home and lie and obviously his behaviour makes you feel very stressed you just don't need it.
Do you have children?
How long have you been with him?

MaisyMooCow · 03/04/2012 14:18

I'm afraid a vast majority of porn these days centres around very young girls/ teens. I agree, quite sordid. The thought of men looking at girls young enough to be their daughters/grandaughters makes me Hmm

MetalMess · 03/04/2012 14:19

He likely thinks it is acceptable as he is 'young'ish himself. Mid 20's.

What the fucking hell.

What a dick =[.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/04/2012 14:21

Don't let him give you a hard time for "snooping"

Think of this as a lucky break to find out the real man he is.

What you do with that knowledge is up to you.

Heyyyho · 03/04/2012 14:21
Sad

Fucking awful - what is WRONG with these guys?

MaisyMooCow · 03/04/2012 14:22

The site he's looking at, is it to meet people for sex or just a 'gawp at porn' site?

MetalMess · 03/04/2012 14:23

All I want to do right now is curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out.
Then punch him would probably make me feel a bit better, but don't worry i have more self control than that.

What the hell am I supposed to say when he gets home.
It never rains but it bloody pours.

OP posts:
MetalMess · 03/04/2012 14:26

I believe the one is for finding people.
I don't know if he just went through to it from a porn site or what.
But still, I can't see how he would have a password, money come out and a profile without him knowingly sign up to it.

OP posts:
EmilyPollifaxInnocentTourist · 03/04/2012 14:29

It depends on what you want from this relationship.

This would be the end for me. I could not live with and love a man who not only watches porn but watches underage girls. Porn is abuse.

The question is: can you live with a man who thinks this is acceptable?

Lueji · 03/04/2012 14:33

He wouldn't.

Unless his friends signed him up, but usually emails must be confirmed, so it would have to be with his consent.

AnyFucker · 03/04/2012 14:35

Does it matter what you say ? Does it matter what he says ?

This is something you can accept in a partner, or it is not, surely ?

If it is, then you giving tacit approval to his sexual incontinence simply means he will carry on doing it. Some women will go along with it, seeing no harm in porn and dating sites. Along the lines of "he is allowed a private life" and "it's ok for him to look as long as he comes home to you at night"

Not for me.

Lueji · 03/04/2012 14:35

And with gambling is not a good combination. :(

MetalMess · 03/04/2012 14:40

Yeah I know.
He had to put his bank details in too to get the money taken out.

At least I know I am not being mad.
And I can bloody well argue it =[.

OP posts:
MetalMess · 03/04/2012 14:42

No gambling Lueji, the games are online computer games which he spent money on.

And yeah AF I agree with you =[.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 03/04/2012 14:43

"Sign up with SexInTheUK, complete your profile and start finding adult fun and dating online with SexInTheUK. It's the easiest way to find adult sex fun that there is. Adult dating personals is a great way to find adult fun in the UK. Register now with SexInTheUK and find hot and horny people online today".

He watches teen porn and now he's joined www.sexintheuk.com which is an adult dating site that enables its members (no pun intended) to find their 'sexual partners using postcode search and enjoy them'.

Apparently this site is "the no. 1 Adult Dating Personals site and a real favourite for Swingers Personals. If swinging is your thing and you are looking for other couples to join you for fun and intimate chat then you are at the right place"

It seems I've been missing out - I've never encountered pop-ups from this or any similar website. I wonder why?

izzyizin · 03/04/2012 14:44

www.sexintheuk.com

PelicansYawn · 03/04/2012 14:45

I know this is easy to say in hindsight as I'm sure you were emotional and angry at the time, but I wish you hadn't phoned him about it beforehand, all you've given him now is time to come up with a good story.

Do your research and make sure what he says is true...I'm pretty sure a site can't charge you for anything without bank details having been input first.

TooEasilyTempted · 03/04/2012 14:45

^I don't know if he just went through to it from a porn site or what.
But still, I can't see how he would have a password, money come out and a profile without him knowingly sign up to it.^

Well the first thing I'd do in this situation is log back into his e-mails and print all of them out, before he gets a chance to delete the evidence.

It's easy to forget what you've seen when you're in such a state of shock and there has been plenty of threads on here where, before you know it, the 'D'H has convinced the wife that it was an automated profile/it was a friend that did it for a joke/they knew nothing about it and she's on here looking for confirmation that she's not going bonkers.

You KNOW he set up the profile. It's got a picture of him, they've taken money from his bank account. You KNOW that wouldn't happen without him knowing about it.

And now you have to decide if you can live with that?

PelicansYawn · 03/04/2012 14:45

Sorry x post re the bank details

prh47bridge · 03/04/2012 14:46

Just to be clear, I'm a man.

sexintheuk.com is an adult dating site. I have seen it pop up from other sites, usually porn.

A quick look suggests that it is typical of the genre in that anyone can sign up for free but there are limits to what you can do unless you pay. In particular you can't contact other users without paying.

The bit about taking £5 from his bank account seems odd. As far as I can see their minimum subscription is £24.99 (but there may be some special offers - I'm not going to sign up to find out) and can be paid by credit card, cheque or postal order. I would be surprised if they did direct debits or standing orders.

I did once know someone who signed one of his married friends up to such a site without his knowledge as a joke. Personally I found that to be in very poor taste but there are some strange people out there. Having said that, I think the most likely explanation is that the OP's DP signed up himself. But I am still puzzled by the bit about them taking £5 from his bank account.

ImperialBlether · 03/04/2012 14:46

Does he think you are completely stupid?

If it was just junk, then fine. However, it CAN'T be just junk because he's actually signed up and paid. He also put his photo up.

He is clearly telling the world that he wants to shag around. Actually he told everyone in the world bar you. Now you know what he's like. What are you going to do about it?

prh47bridge · 03/04/2012 14:49

Just twigged - he could have used a debit card that takes money from his bank account. That would work. The payee should show as Amorix - the operators of the site.

MetalMess · 03/04/2012 14:53

Yeah it shows as Amorix.
Not in his emails confirming the payment but there is of cancelation of payment.

'
This email confirms that you have cancelled your subscription successfully
You may continue to use your account as normal until your membership expires. On this date your membership will automatically revert to Standard status, which means the facilities available to you will be restricted. You can of course, renew your membership at that point by paying again.

If you wish to see the status of your account at any time, go to my account where you are able to view your account history in full.

We hope that you have chosen to cancel because you have found somebody.

SexInTheUK aims to ensure that we have a friendly and fun site, so please let us know if you need any help. Email us at [email protected].

Please keep a copy of this email for your records.

Have fun!
SexInTheUK Team'

Looking through again to make sure I am not going to be fooled by him talking bullshit when he gets home.

Another email confirming uploaded photo.

I think it is likely he joined up thinking it was for free, put all his details in including bank details and clicked to reply to someone and then started getting a repeat charge.
What an idiot.
He needs to learn to cover his tracks better.

Well he definitely won't be getting away with the bullshit of him not signing up =[.

OP posts:
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