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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Huge mess. Need some support please =[.

73 replies

MetalMess · 03/04/2012 14:10

Helppp.

Don't know what to think or do.
In a body shivering state of anger and upset.

Had some problems with the car and DP is at a work trial so we needed to change over the insurance to our old car.
Went onto his email as he said to find a quote he had for a new insurance company.

He has had problems recently with being addicted to games and spending money we don't have on them.
I looked into his deleted folder and clicked recover deleted messages whilst I was there to make sure that he hadn't been spending anymore on it. Flame me for that if you want but I will not apologize for doing so.

And instead I find a million emails from the website 'Sex in the UK'.
It looked to me as though he has signed up to it.

I always had a problem before with him watching porn but left it because it was probably me being more insecure than anything else, even though I hate the idea of it too.
But this?

So I rang him and asked him what the hell eh thought he was doing.
I was so angry I ended up putting the phone down on him.
Then I rang back again, apparently he says the website has been popping up on him or something.
They even took £5 out of his bank account making him overdrawn!

I went onto it, his profile is partly filled out, it has a picture of him, saying what fucking sex positions he like (BARF) and even says he has a fuckinng goatee.
But he apparently hasn't done this!

WHAT THE FUCKINGG HELL sjnfsahfiousahnfikbfs.

I just want to curl up into a little ball and cry.

He says we will talk when he gets home.
And asked me can I really think he would do that after all teh effort he is putting in to stop smoking and for the family blah blah blah.

Sorry its long.

And probably all over the place.
Just need a bit of hand holding a shoulder to bawl into I think.

And the bloody porn sites he looks at mostly seem to teenage ones. How fucking wrong. Does he not bloody realize they might be underage.

EUGH.

OP posts:
Original poster
MetalMess · 03/04/2012 14:55

Shame every time I read the emails it just make me feel sick and even more shivery.

What a complete an utter arsehole.

And poor DS, he is going to have a ruined home because of his dad being a stupid fucking idiot.
How thick do people have to be to ruin everything by doing something so ridiculous.

OP posts:
Original poster
MetalMess · 03/04/2012 14:57

Got it =[.

Your Gold Membership Upgrade is complete

Reference : 1235149901
Date/time : 04/01/2012 9:39:18 AM
Payment Amount : £4.98

You now have 3 days remaining as a Gold Member. Your Gold Membership will expire on 2012-04-04.

We suggest you to print a copy of this email for your records; it is your proof of purchase.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/04/2012 14:58

I know what he will say

he will say "I was just curious, I was just looking"

he will use the fact that he cancelled the subscription as a point in his favour (conveniently glossing over the fact he took one out in the 1st place)

he will accuse you of invading his privacy

he will promise to never do it again

AnyFucker · 03/04/2012 14:59

have you printed out the emails ?

Original poster
MetalMess · 03/04/2012 15:00

I have copy and pasted the info in them into a word document.

He will lie through his teeth.
He is pretty good at that.

OP posts:
PelicansYawn · 03/04/2012 15:02

'Gold Membership' definitely suggests he's been a lot more than 'curious' so don't fall for that bullshit if he tries to use it as an excuse.

AnyFucker · 03/04/2012 15:02

ah, he has form for lying

quelle surprise

izzyizin · 03/04/2012 15:03

To sum up:

He's 'addicted to games and spending money we don't have on them'.

He's addicted to porn and has a penchant for the teenage variety.

He's joined an adult dating site and is looking to find other sexual partners.

I would suggest you keep any further conversation you have with this self-indulgent twat brief and to the point - and then point to the door where his possessions are bagged up ready to go with him to hell.

AnyFucker · 03/04/2012 15:06

personally, breaking up a home where the male partner acts like this, strikes me as a good thing, not a bad thing

OP, don't keep this man around as an example for your son

Original poster
MetalMess · 03/04/2012 15:12

Ah I stupidly thought things were better.
He deleted his game and hasn't played it and has even quit smoking.

Only to take up porn and looking around for sex by the looks of it.

Sad
OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/04/2012 16:02

Replace one messed up mindless headfuck with another Sad

Perhaps the giving up smoking had another motive ? to impress the laydeez ?

AnyFucker · 03/04/2012 16:02

addiction, that was meant to say

fiventhree · 03/04/2012 16:15

Yes, that is it.

Replacing one addiction with another.

Izzy, add lying to the list.

And I think these addictions go together with alot of people anyway, because the thing he is actually addicted to, the feeling, is the thrill. Some people are addicted to 'down' type activities (dope, alcohol, things which bring you down and make you relax) and others are addicted to highs (gambling, sex, games, some high inducing drugs).

A few like both, one after the other. But alot like one, or the other, which is why actual sex addicts are apparently often drug users, or so I have read.

40inlove · 03/04/2012 16:17

Metal I'm so sorry...it is a dreadful shock to discover your dh has been using this site...having had a bit of experience of them in the past I wanted to help clear something up for you...it seems he has signed up for a three day "trial"... You pay a fiver but you must cancel the subscription after three days in order to avoid repeat billing. His profile would still be viewable but he would need to sign up again in order to contact anyone. I hope this helps you tonight when he tries to deny signing up....it's impossible to "accidentally " become a member on one of these sites. Sending you hugs, good luck tonight x

prh47bridge · 03/04/2012 16:26

For what it is worth, Gold membership simply means you have paid. Standard membership is free but doesn't allow you to contact other people and gives you more restricted search options (according to their Help pages - I'm not signing up to check!).

He may have signed up to free membership out of curiosity but paying goes a step beyond that and suggests he was intending to contact others. It does not, of course, tell us whether or not he did contact anyone else. You may be able to find out by logging in to his account.

Original poster
MetalMess · 03/04/2012 16:35

I went onto his account.
I don't think he contacted anyone or it didn't seem so but had random messages from loads of women.
From what I can see he had the account for 3 or 4 days.

But I think showing the intention and paying for it, even if he cancelled it, is still really bad, even if he didn't contact anyone. he put his picture on it and filled out a profile for a reason, even if he wussed out at that stage, maybe just because he realized he had to pay I still think it is wrong =[.

Thanks for all your support.
It is very much appreciated.
Feeling completely bamboozled.

He isn't home yet, is on a work trial so no idea when he will be back.
Who knows.
Eugh. What a huge stonking pile of crap.

OP posts:
HalfPastWine · 03/04/2012 16:42

OP, I hope you sort this out. He was clearly curious, a bit too curious for my liking. It could be a one off or just the start of things to come.

AnyFucker Oooh, you don't take prisoners do you! No messing with you. I like your style Grin Grin

fussbucket · 03/04/2012 16:52

Home again now, I'm sticking with original opinion. This lot would be a deal breaker for me, I'm really sorry for you and DS going through this.

Original poster
MetalMess · 03/04/2012 18:44

I was strong.
Told him to leave, he is packing and he admitted it.
Now breaking inside.

It really hurts so much.

OP posts:
fussbucket · 03/04/2012 18:51

Oh Metal I'm so sorry. Any RL friends around to make you a hot Brew and have a large Wine with later?

Original poster
MetalMess · 03/04/2012 18:55

My mum and dad are coming later.
My dad phoned and I started crying and said I will need hom to come over for a hug later.

How can one minute you have so much anger then the next be so sad?

OP posts:
EggyFucker · 03/04/2012 19:02

I am really, really sorry, love. What did he admit to ?

EggyFucker · 03/04/2012 19:02

I am glad your parents are coming to support you.

ImperialBlether · 03/04/2012 19:03

I'm so sorry you've had to go through this with that tosser. I hope you've found out before he's met someone.

Just out of interest, he did that on 4th January just before 10 am. Do you remember where you were then?

Stay strong. He's got red flags all over him.

Original poster
MetalMess · 03/04/2012 19:06

It is american above, so 01/04 not 04/01.
He didn't meet anyone, said he never would and apparently it was impluse to join.
But I can't be doing with being lied to or just being made a general idiot of anymore.
He agreed it is all his fault.

But I am still so sad I won't ever get to even have a cuddle again.
Which probably sounds ridiculous.
But the thought of my life without him is really hurting at the moment.

And my poor DS.
What a load of complete shite.

OP posts: