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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Huge mess. Need some support please =[.

73 replies

MetalMess · 03/04/2012 14:10

Helppp.

Don't know what to think or do.
In a body shivering state of anger and upset.

Had some problems with the car and DP is at a work trial so we needed to change over the insurance to our old car.
Went onto his email as he said to find a quote he had for a new insurance company.

He has had problems recently with being addicted to games and spending money we don't have on them.
I looked into his deleted folder and clicked recover deleted messages whilst I was there to make sure that he hadn't been spending anymore on it. Flame me for that if you want but I will not apologize for doing so.

And instead I find a million emails from the website 'Sex in the UK'.
It looked to me as though he has signed up to it.

I always had a problem before with him watching porn but left it because it was probably me being more insecure than anything else, even though I hate the idea of it too.
But this?

So I rang him and asked him what the hell eh thought he was doing.
I was so angry I ended up putting the phone down on him.
Then I rang back again, apparently he says the website has been popping up on him or something.
They even took £5 out of his bank account making him overdrawn!

I went onto it, his profile is partly filled out, it has a picture of him, saying what fucking sex positions he like (BARF) and even says he has a fuckinng goatee.
But he apparently hasn't done this!

WHAT THE FUCKINGG HELL sjnfsahfiousahnfikbfs.

I just want to curl up into a little ball and cry.

He says we will talk when he gets home.
And asked me can I really think he would do that after all teh effort he is putting in to stop smoking and for the family blah blah blah.

Sorry its long.

And probably all over the place.
Just need a bit of hand holding a shoulder to bawl into I think.

And the bloody porn sites he looks at mostly seem to teenage ones. How fucking wrong. Does he not bloody realize they might be underage.

EUGH.

OP posts:
EggyFucker · 03/04/2012 19:07

Yes, he is shite.

Mrsgorgeous · 03/04/2012 19:20

I know how you feel when you say that you won't have a cuddle again, I feel that too,but I have reasoned with myself that the person I believe I'm hugging has changed and isn't that person anymore....does that make sense?
He has shown his true colours and that hurts. Hopefully in time all of us that have been the victim of these unscrupulous men will find a better happier future.
You don't deserve to be treated that way x

Peppin · 03/04/2012 19:20

I really feel for you. My ex-boyfriend had a big penchant for porn and in particular for those sex-cam websites where you pay to get the girls to perform for you. He would say no to sex with me and the second I was out of the house, would be on these websites.

I became obsessed with knowing what he was doing and ended up finding out his passwords and checking his account constantly to see who he'd been "engaging" with... it was just terrible. He never denied it but he just said it was perfectly normal and not like he was actually cheating on me. To me, the point at which he was interacting with another person sexually was cheating and our relationship came to a very stormy end.

It is pretty regular I think for guys to look at porn but this sounds like a "looking for sex" site. Is he maybe looking for a bit of a thrill? I think you have to lay down the law at this point and make sure he knows that engaging in any sexual interaction outside your relationship - on- or offline - is unacceptable to you. Blokes do seem to have, in my experience :-( , much more of an ability to compartmentalise morally, and he may well believe that this doesn't affect how he feels about you at all - but in my view there can be very rapid "mission-creep" in this sort of behaviour and when it is secret that can become more of a risk.

He may well see this as perfectly fine and not cheating but if you don't, you must make sure he knows how you feel about it. If he continues nevertheless, then maybe some psycho-sexual counselling could help? I hope he gives you a response you want. Keep posting.

geekette · 03/04/2012 19:37

Oh dear... he has really gone the one step too far now...

Is this something relate could help with when the emotional rollercoaster calms down a bit?

fussbucket · 03/04/2012 19:37

So pleased Mum and Dad are coming for you and DS. You're allowed to be all in a tizzy, your world has been turned upside down. Do you need any practical advice/support, about stuff like money, housing?

Original poster
MetalMess · 03/04/2012 19:44

Practically I will be fine.

I am a student, can cope perfectly well on my loan.
I pretty much paid for him anyway so I will be better off money wise.
I will be able to pay the rent, and don't have to pay council tax as a student.

Just mentally not so sure.
I was trying to keep ever so calm and not shout, but I ended up doing so a bit.

But he is gone now.
Mum n dad will be here in half an hour.

And I just feel like I ripping apart from the inside out.
But I need to be strong.
That is it.
He has taken some of things, I will pack the rest up in the morning and we are going to finalize when he sees DS later in the week I think after he decides where he is staying.

OP posts:
EggyFucker · 03/04/2012 19:51

he's a cocklodger too

bloody hell, he will be parking his arse on some other poor unsuuspecting woman's sofa before you can say "Easter egg"

what a catch !

ImperialBlether · 03/04/2012 20:02

Ooh a student - well, you're in the best place in the world for meeting someone new, so I wouldn't worry about not being hugged again.

You will be SO much better off without him, both financially and emotionally.

maras2 · 03/04/2012 20:03

I'll bet that he didn't give up smoking.What a nasty man.Good luck to you my love and keep strong. Mx.

Original poster
MetalMess · 03/04/2012 21:03

Well Dad came and gave me a hug and stuff.

Going to try get some sleep now, have a banging headache.
And I hope things look better in the morning.

Thanks all for the help and support.

I will likely be back tomorrow needing more.

OP posts:
fussbucket · 03/04/2012 21:42

Ok metal, goodnight. Will check in with you tomorrow.

EggyFucker · 03/04/2012 22:02

we will be here x

Original poster
MetalMess · 04/04/2012 08:12

Bit of a crap nights sleep.
My goal for today is to not cry.

Thoughts range from thank fuck I had the strength to kick him out, to why the hrll did I because he didn't talk to anyone on there. But I keep trying to remind myself although he deleted it he put his bloody sexual preferences on it, just eugh, there was obviously some intention before he wimped out.

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 04/04/2012 09:52

Just caught up with your thread, Metal. You are one strong woman. It's okay to cry, but give it a time limit, then pick yourself up, dust yourself down and remember you deserve so much more than than a twat like him.

Original poster
MetalMess · 04/04/2012 11:04

Thanks Tall.

I have more resolve again now.
No more crying, not for today.

OP posts:
fussbucket · 04/04/2012 11:35

Morning Metal. How's Operation Not Crying Today going so far? Don't beat yourself up if you fail on that one!
You've never mentioned how old DS is btw.
Will be in and out all day if you need to do some dumping. x fuss

Original poster
MetalMess · 04/04/2012 11:49

DS is 2, 3 in June.

And I am doing much better, haven't cried since at least 9am.
Yay Smile.

Off out with my mum to my grandparents in a little while.
Have bathed the monster and about to jump in myself so may actually look a bit presentable minus the hugely puffy eyelids.

OP posts:
ChloeHea · 04/04/2012 13:11

Hi Metal
Just read your posts, big hugs to you x
You'll do just fine, the next days and weeks will be tough but in no time you'll be doing just grand xx

fussbucket · 04/04/2012 15:15

Hope you and DS had a lovely time with your grandparents.

fiventhree · 04/04/2012 19:41

Hope things pick up for you.

You sound too young to have to put up with this kind of crap.

And that sort of site is about meeting up, isnt it? So why would he not, have eventually?

Have a better week, you are on the way up now, and it will get better.

Curiouslife · 04/04/2012 21:30

That's the same website that was on my dh's mobile history (along with some vile porn sites). He also denies knowledge but I can barely look at him I'm so horrified... I posted on here a few days ago and from the responses suspect that site pops up when looking at certain porn sites.

I'm sorry you're going through this - I was tempted to log on and see if mine has a profile but don't really need to know - the fact he was looking at the site is bad enough for me!

Good luck op with some difficult decisions

Original poster
MetalMess · 05/04/2012 10:47

Feel a bit better today, stronger anyway.
The prat is coming to see DS so I'm gonna go blast out some anger at the gym with my dad.

Curious I expect is does pop up, doesn't force the idiots to click on it and sign up though does it Sad.

I have only told one person why he has moved out and that is a mutual friend who isn't even in this country.
My parents have asked and I feel embarrassed to tell them, am I being ridiculous?
I have left it as I don't want to think about it this week so may talk to them about it next week.

OP posts:
Charbon · 05/04/2012 11:01

Do tell your parents. It will strengthen your resolve, but only tell them if they are the sort who won't try to persuade you that 'men will be men' or imply that his sexual incontinence is either your fault or not worth 'breaking up the family' for. You have no need to protect him and it is not your shame. You've done the right thing by making him leave - don't waver.

The intent was there and that's all you need to know. I don't think these were pop-ups in any case, but the computer didn't force him to register.

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