I need a shoulder to cry on

[madforfootball]

I've been betrayed in the most horrible way and I'm devasted.

Been living with guy for 6 years. Never in an official relationship, but we've been shagging. I've loved him for ages, which he knows. Both free to pursue who we like however. So this is partly my fault for allowing myself to be in such a situation.
So, on Saturday a woman who'se been after him for a while turns up. I ask if he wanted me out the way (v small house, no privacy). He says no, he's not interested and nothing's going to happen.
I wake up at 3 (not knowing she was still there) to hear them shagging.

It's not the act that's upset me but the reassurance that it wouldn't. I could have gone to stay with friends, but he didn't allow me the opportunity. He then told me it was my fault.

There's a lot more to this, obviously, but I can't.

This guy is no good for you, he's toxic. You really need time away from him to think about your future.

I know. Only problem is we live together. I really wish I'd shut him out last night.

Oh yuck! For goodness sake that's terrible!

Right. Time for you to put a stop to this. You are living together?! Why??

Who's house is it? Who is on the lease?

Because we're good friends. Apparently.

Shared tenancy. I'd love to kick him out but don't think I can.

Is it/was it a FWB thing that you got too deep into?

Whatever,foryour own sanity, no more shagging with him, and one or both of you needs to go flathunting, but not together.

Oh. Ok.

Well first of all, I don't think I need to tell you that this guy is neither your friend, nor your lover.
He has a completely irresponsible attitude to relationships.

There you are on tap, but requiring no effort on his part...he knows you're in love with him, so he exploits that to keep things sweet, while doing whatever the hell he likes otherwise.

Why are you tolerating and accepting this? You must be miserable.

FWB, yes.

I knew he never saw us as a couple. Would deny it if anyone asked. If only i'd known first.

There will be no more shagging, massaging his sore back or bringing him drinks in the bath. Am tempted to stop his credit card which is on my account, but may wait until he's away at the weekend with no money.

Or is that too cruel?

Misesrable, that's the understatement of the year. Drank a bottle and half of whisky over the weekend. Feel miserable as shit. Am in work only to use computer. Have taken it as a sick day and will go home soon.

It's my own fault in as much as I know his past, and I knew it was likely he'd find someone else sooner rather than later. It's just the lying that's got to me.

Plus he apologised for hurting me, yet decided he couldn't understand why I didn't want him around. Asked why he would want me around the place.

I really want to move but it's difficult. I have pets that I refuse to leave with him. I really need a new job. I'm totally on my own and scared shitless.

You have a joint credit card?

Of course you need to stop it!

Blimeyheck,but he saw you coming. Sex with no strings and a credit card! What's not to like?

You need to be strong. And you will be once you've got over this initial shock.

Don't sleep with him anymore or do any other favours for him. Detach yourself financially from this credit card business. Let him sort out his own life as far as that's concerned.

Don't feel rushed to leave, take your time and don't feel pushed out by the situation he's put you in. Try and keep busy and go out so you don't have to be near him.

Going out is easier said than done. I don't drive for medical reasons, and live in the middle of nowhere.

I've done so much for him. To be fair, he does a lot for me too.

Will wait til he gives me money for bills this week before I cancel the card. This could lead to him having a very miserable weekend. Tough titty.

I'm an idiot, aren't I?

I used to be so intelligent.

am going home. Will be back online in a bit.

Thanks for listening.

You don't need us to tell you that this set up is insufferable. You know that already.
He doesn't return your feelings. He has known you long enough to know whether or not he can commit to your relationship, and he has not done that. Nor will he.

You, in the meantime are drinking and upsetting yourself silly over him. He has made you feel worthless, and your self esteem has dived. You're in shreds and he blames you.

He is a wanker. I'm not going to say he has forced this horrible situation upon you, because you have been a willing participant. However, I don't think it's normal for anyone to do what he does. What a parasite he is. He is a parasite and lacks empathy, using the woman who is in love with him to sucker to. Even if she is willing.

If I were he, I could not sleep at night.

The thing is, on one level he does have feelings for me. He claims not to mind the thought of me sleeping with someone else, yet was devastated when he thought I had.

In a way it's a case of being attracted to what you know. My mother's toxic, and I suppose it feels familiar.

He was due to do me a biggish favour in May. I've concluded I don't want to be in his debt and will pay someone else. I can't afford, but never mind.

I'm now at home, alone. Hopefully I can get some sleep and eat something.

The thing is, on one level he does have feelings for me. He claims not to mind the thought of me sleeping with someone else, yet was devastated when he thought I had.

That's about ownership and entitlement OP, it's not because he loves you. He wasn't 'jealous' - it didn't make him realise that he wanted to be with you, did it? It only heightened his control on the situation and gave you false hope.

Don't be a schmuck. xxx

Thanks Pictish. That makes sense.

Am going to try to sleep for a bit. I have 5 hours til he returns. That will be interesting.

I did send him an email to try and explain why I'm so upset. He won't understand, but I felt the need to defend myself. Rather stupidly I apologised to him last thing yesterday for reacting the way I did. Apparently it'll pass. Yeah, right.

Also booked myself an STI check for tomorrow. Since we've been having unprotected sex (yes, I know, idiot!) I thought I should.

Bless you OP. This arrangement is not working for you at all.
You must extricate yourself from it straight away.

Is anyone there?

I need to go to bed really but I agree with everyone else that you shouldn't tolerate this situation

I am here if you need to talk. Hope you are ok

Third sleepness night in a row. I ate a cheese sarnie for dinner (no lunch, brioche for brekkie) a wee whisky and a wee drop of wine. I know it's not sensible, butit really was small quantities.
Feek sick and tired. Can't believe we're barely on Tues. Time is dragging.

I think it helps to have a plan of action/escape. I know how hard it is with pets though.

I got a v short reply to my email which I didn't read. Can't cope. Just want to ignore. Would love to go back to how things were, with or without sex, just being able to.be in one room would be good. But I can't relax. The only way forward is as near-strangers. With seperate food etc, cook for own, shop for own. Not how I wish to live at all.