I need a shoulder to cry on

[madforfootball]

I've been betrayed in the most horrible way and I'm devasted.

Been living with guy for 6 years. Never in an official relationship, but we've been shagging. I've loved him for ages, which he knows. Both free to pursue who we like however. So this is partly my fault for allowing myself to be in such a situation.
So, on Saturday a woman who'se been after him for a while turns up. I ask if he wanted me out the way (v small house, no privacy). He says no, he's not interested and nothing's going to happen.
I wake up at 3 (not knowing she was still there) to hear them shagging.

It's not the act that's upset me but the reassurance that it wouldn't. I could have gone to stay with friends, but he didn't allow me the opportunity. He then told me it was my fault.

There's a lot more to this, obviously, but I can't.

mad they cat and rabbit will adapt. They will not be miserable. They have as much choice as you in the matter which is to be honest none. At first they may be a bit pissed off, but you as a good owner will take the time to help them adapt :) Animals don't really sit and mourn what they have lost. They get on with things as best they can. They will be a LOT, LOT happier with you than the local RSPCA rescue centre if you lose it. And you do sound very vunerable just now. When I was really down I kind of projected on my animals as reasons for not moving and changing my situation - oh I can't let them down, they will be so unhappy. Blah blah blah. They were not. For a few weeks they were none too happy, but a few weeks is not long considering how long and happy their lives are. Yours will be the same. You sound a fantastic owner :)

Check about the house. Maybe it is avaliable :)

OP, I can share your feelings, I used to be on a similar situation. It's only with the benefit of hindsight that I can see my "friend" who would not acknowledge he was my "boyfriend" was being unbelievably selfish.

I didn't have the self confidence/ self respect not to allow myself to be treated badly. Now I look back and ask myself why not? It's hard, but try to value yourself and make sure you are treating yourself as well as you are treating him. Really - you do deserve it!

Madfor- when lots of things go wrong all at once it is, in my opinion and my experience, the universes way of giving you a hard poke to change things and make life better. Which I am sure that you will.
I'm sorry that it looks like you will have to give up your chickens but the cat and the rabbit, I am sure, will be fine and dandy wherever the three of you end up, as they will be with you xx

Well, I managed about 6 hours sleep, broken, which is better than previous nights.

Things really aren't good. He responded to my message about moving out saying he'd try to stay but if he couldn't afford it he'd put the garden back to the way it was and leave. I'm trying not to feel awful about it. I know how
much work has gone into the garden. And money.

He gave me back the credit card, and train tickets I'd booked for him. He was supposed to be travelling to see his daughter by train and then driving a van up for me with stuff from my mothers house. He asked if I'd got a refund yet.

I need to get to the weekend then I'll be able to reassess better. He'll be away. I'm too on edge with him in the house.

I need help and don't know where to turn.

He'd put the garden back to the way it was? What does that mean?

"he'd try to stay but if he couldn't afford it"

Do you mean he's going to try to stay at yours, or somewhere else? What's the issue with affording it?

Just trying to understand so I can hopefully offer some practical advice.

Just wanted to add I am sure I have heard of a charity that will foster animals for a short period, until people get sorted out. I have been trying to find the name for you but no luck so far. Maybe a short term solution for the chickens? I know you are not being abused, but would womans aid, CAB etc maybe know this charity? A long shot but maybe worth a call?

It's a rental property but we're good friends with the landlord, so we've had free rein over everything. So the back garden, which was a small lawn and a wilderness has been transformed into a very large vegetable garden, with sheds, polytunnels and greenhouses galore. He'd take down the sheds, fences etc, and grass over the entire area. Such a waste.

He's on pretty much minimum wage. If I left he'd try to stay at the house and pay the rent, bills etc by himself. Tbh he probably wouldn't be able to so he'd leave, probably to the city where his family lives. Not sure why he wouldn't take on another flatmate. I've either put him off the idea or, like me, he realises the place is actually too small to share if you don't want to be in the other person's pockets all the time.

He'd take down the sheds? And do what with them? Stash them under his bed?

Right, so he's being difficult.

So he doesn't want to share with someone else (his choice) so he knows he will probably lose the flat if you go. But he won't let you have it even so.

That's unspeakably selfish, and it's an example of how he does not care about your needs.

Looks like staying is out then (and probably better for you to make a fresh start anyway, rather than live in a place with the ghosts of this relationship?!)

Forget the garden! Your happiness is so much more important.

That's what I think! Forget the garden!!
Here is a guy who threatens to essentially trash the garden if he doesn't get his own way! How petulant!
He can HAVE the damn sheds!

This guy has been leeching off you.

I have great admiration for some people who live simple lives on low wages for positive reasons. Friends of mine grow their own organic food, for example. They're always skint but involved in loads of community and creative stuff and have very rich lives.

This man is not doing this really though, is he? He's using your resources to make it work for him. And using you for sex when he wants without giving you the commitment you wanted.

Sorry, I didn't mean to make it sound like he'd throw a hissy fit, just put the garden back to the way it was when we moved in. It's not the most attractive of gardens (most things have been built with reclaimed wood, so we're not talking proper landscaping here). It sort of looks a mess - I like it because it works, its functional and he built it from scratch. Think 'The Good Life' and you're almost there.

But it wouldn't be for everyone, and I suspect the landlord would prefer it to go back to how it was. It would be a huge commitment to take on as it is and if it were just to be let get overgrown as it is it really would look horrendous.

Although I was dreaming about doing a midnight flit I think I have to sit down and talk to him properly. At the moment I'm texting emailing him and he's sniping back. But I can't do that for a few days. I need a few days to calm down and I have told him that. I know he finds it hard to react to me when I'm in a mood like this.

Oh I seeeee...

You sound so much calmer and more decisive than you did when you started this thread.
Yes, you should talk to him and make him understand the situation is no longer viable. He will have to accept that.

TBF to him, I have always known the situation. But because of things I've gone through in my life the situation suited me. I knew I'd find something like this hard, but I didn't realise quite how unprepared for it I was.

Amusingly (in a way) I told my counsellor recently, completely sincerely, that more than anything I wish for this guy to be happy, and I know it couldn't be with me, so I was prepared to lose him. But his ONS is not the person. Knowing what he's been through, I really do mean this. I know his treatment of me is a reaction to his past. I also know this doesn't excuse his behaviour.

I am a helluva lot calmer. I've had some sleep, and some food, which has helped. I've also had the shouting match with him. I've had him acting impetuously to what I've said, and the email reversing his impetuousness.

I know I need to leave at some point. But I do not want to do it with no forethought. I was about to ring my mother and beg her not to move house, but I'm glad I didn't. It wouldn't be the answer.

At the moment we're living like student flatmates. Sticking to our own rooms quite a bit and basically avoiding each other. I've done my own food prep (can't claim to have cooked anything recently) and washing up. Haven't made him tea/coffee and refused from him. This could continue, but it's not pleasant.

My heart wants to relax back to how things were, my head says that's not sensible. Even to go as far as eating, shopping, socialising together, without sex and with the expectation that repeats of the weekend are to be expected. I could live with that, I think, if he modifies his behaviour. Stops disrespecting me with his language would be a start. He may not think he means anything by it, but its depressing being called a bitch a lot of the time. I'd also like him to sort out his moods. I also need to get out more.

Can we sort this for the short term? I dunno.

If you sort it out he will sleep with someone again and you will feel horrible, again. He isn't trying to make you his girlfriend and plan a future,, it will hurt over and over. He is swearing at you like he is your abusive boyfriend , swearing at you as he slept with someone else. Either way he is not a nice person and he is damaging you.

That he is. But then again I was damaged before I met him.

I'm going to assume, for as long as I'm there, that he'll have a woman in every night. Therefore I can prepare myself mentally for the intrusion into my home.

I know leaving is my only option, but I need to regain control before I do? Does that make sense? I feel I need to regain some control over this and not leave because I have to. I will be sensible about this. I shall start to go out to the pub and try and become less isolated, and less dependent on him. I want to go out of this with my head held high. I think it is still an option.

I do agree with you that there is no need to move quickly but I do think you need to start doing little things in order to pave the way, such as looking at rentals in the local (or not so local) area.
I know you have the animals to worry about, but they are not nearly as tying as children would be. I.E you don't have to think about what school you will move them to, when you do end up moving.
Perhaps at one point this living arrangement did benefit you as well as him but I think now that day is over.
There will be other gardens.