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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need a shoulder to cry on

70 replies

madforfootball · 02/04/2012 09:29

I've been betrayed in the most horrible way and I'm devasted.

Been living with guy for 6 years. Never in an official relationship, but we've been shagging. I've loved him for ages, which he knows. Both free to pursue who we like however. So this is partly my fault for allowing myself to be in such a situation.
So, on Saturday a woman who'se been after him for a while turns up. I ask if he wanted me out the way (v small house, no privacy). He says no, he's not interested and nothing's going to happen.
I wake up at 3 (not knowing she was still there) to hear them shagging.

It's not the act that's upset me but the reassurance that it wouldn't. I could have gone to stay with friends, but he didn't allow me the opportunity. He then told me it was my fault.

There's a lot more to this, obviously, but I can't.

OP posts:
Pickgo · 03/04/2012 01:34

Madfor he is using you. He squares this in his conscience by doing some favours but at the end of the day you are a convenient receptacle for sex - oh and credit provider. Put an end to it at once. No wonder you feel awful. Put some boundaries in place and look for another flat nearer civilisation and a new job. And don't drink any more it's a depressant!

Original poster
madforfootball · 03/04/2012 01:35

I can't leave them. They are my reason for living, even before this. My ma's moving to a flat so that's not an option. Am so alone. The only people I could talk to are away. Am scared of what to do.

I am, apparently, over-reacting. Don't think he sees what the problem is.

OP posts:
Original poster
madforfootball · 03/04/2012 01:38

Easier said. You know what the job market's like. Plus I'd need agarden, and a landlord happy enough for me to have pets.

OP posts:
Pickgo · 03/04/2012 01:41

Well gross and insensitive though he is by the sound of it FWB is usually understood as no strings isn't it. It could have been you who burst the bubble and saw someone else...

I know you're feeling crap now but in putting an end to his using you it has done you a favour in the longer-term to get you out of an unhealthy exploiting sort of set-up do you think?

Pickgo · 03/04/2012 01:42

Personally I couldn't let pets dictate my life to that extent.

Original poster
madforfootball · 03/04/2012 01:42

I'd love for him to move out. I'd miss him, but preferable to this. But he doesn't thinkhe's in the wrong at all.

OP posts:
Pickgo · 03/04/2012 01:43

Why do you think he's 'in the wrong'? He's been insensitive yes, but had made no committment to you - just as you hadn't to him. It was FWB no?

Original poster
madforfootball · 03/04/2012 01:50

I understand re pets, but they are my family. Humans let me down, pets don't.

If I had gone off with someone it wouldn't have been in the house. It's too small and makes things too uncomfortable. I couldn't share it with anyone other than a partner.

He's had other relationships whilst we've been fwb but I knew and could be elsewhere. It was the fact he kept telling me nothing was happening. To the point that I was elsewhere at ten and would have stayed out if I'd known, but he refused to answer text / phone when I asked. Yet he'd been texting about other stuff, so wasn't otherwise engaged. He knewvI'dvstay out if I knew she was there which I would have happy with.

OP posts:
fortyplus · 03/04/2012 01:51

Do you think he could be a sociopath? Get him to take the test

SkinnedAlive · 03/04/2012 01:52

I am the same about my pets mad However pets adapt. You don't need a garden. Unless its a pony or lama. Sorry not the time for jokes, but a housecat WILL learn to live in a small studio flat, or a dog WILL learn to be taken for a long walk morning and night and not have access to a garden. An incontinent dog will learn to use puppy pads. If you end up having some sort of breakdown over this it does you pets no good at all. My two cats went from having a big 2 bed home with gorgeous garden to a tiny studio. They are happy. I play with them and stimulate them. They are happy as they are with you. Your will be much more happy if you move and YOU are happy. Get somewhere not ideal, get a better job and in time get somewhere better for you and the pets. But don't stay with this total wanker for them - that is actually an excuse to stay

threeleftfeet · 03/04/2012 01:56

Have you asked him to leave? Do you think he would go if you did?

fortyplus · 03/04/2012 01:57

'Humans let me down, pets don't.' It's starting to make sense now - you've been let down so you don't think you deserve someone nice. You choose this hopelessly unsatisfactory relationship because it can't go wrong - you're happy to be made to feel used and worthless.

Original poster
madforfootball · 03/04/2012 01:58

There are other issues which he knows about and which make my reactions less ott than they seem.
It's partly the fact this place is so small. And the fact he lied, and had been lying. Plus it seemed more than fwb. I know I am an idiot, but it's not helpful. He has destroyed my self confidence over the years to the point that being treated badly seems normal. We've been through a lot together.

OP posts:
Original poster
madforfootball · 03/04/2012 02:04

Would he leave - no.

I'll try that test and see. I suspect he is. He's also been badly hurt in the past and I have a need to try and help.

I think having a toxic mother is partly behind it. As is having a sister who treats me like s**t.

I really need my counsellor. She knows the backstory,understands the situation as it was but is away. I'm incredibly vulnerable atm due to other things that are going on which is not helping.

OP posts:
Original poster
madforfootball · 03/04/2012 02:10

Forty - the safe thing with this relationship was the knowledge that it would fail. I'm terrifird.of being abandoned so at least ensuring this outcome I was forewarned. However itcould have collapsed at a better time, rather than when every other aspect of my life is tits up anyway.

OP posts:
threeleftfeet · 03/04/2012 02:10

"I have a need to try and help."

That's really dangerous, to you.

I used to feel like that. I wasted most of my 20s on useless men i thought I could help who actually treated me like shit. What a waste of time. And it damaged my self esteem in a way I still haven't properly recovered from 5 years later.

At the risk of sounding trite (sorry, but it's got to be said!). The person who really needs your help is you. This is an emergency. Get out now while you're angry. if you let your feelings subside and stay there it'll damage your self esteem.

Make a plan!

How many animals have you got? What are they?

Original poster
madforfootball · 03/04/2012 02:16

Cat, rabbit, hens. I suppose it's not too bad. I could give the hens away.

I will start job and flat -hunting tomorrow. You're right, am angry. I have 6 weeks tofind somewhere and get stuff from my mother's before she moves, else it'll be further removal costs. Am away for 2 of these weeks which makes it tight. Oh well.

Think big problem with fwb is that for the last 5 years it's been monogamous. So I've grown complacent.

OP posts:
Original poster
madforfootball · 03/04/2012 02:23

Thanks for listening. Am going to try to sleep now. I need more than the one hour I've had so far.

I know I'm pathetic and stupid but I can't help the way I feel. I wish I could, and hopefully counselling will get me there.

OP posts:
threeleftfeet · 03/04/2012 02:25

Bear in mind the flat doesn't need to be permanent.

Your cat and/or rabbit might not best suited to being inside (I love cats btw :) )
But a 6 month stop-gap, or even longer, if you don't manage to find a great place straight away isn't the end of the world. Much more important that you get out before your self esteem takes any more of a knock.

SkinnedAlive · 03/04/2012 02:29

You are NOT pathetic and stupid. Your feelings are perfectly valid. You have been treated very badly - of course you are angry. I admit hens are hard to keep without a garden, but unless you have a strong emotional attachment to them then you can rehome them. Someone may even be able to take them temporarily for you, but that may be pushing things a bit. Or can you look at estate cottages which may be quite low rent? A cat will adapt to being indoors, as will the rabbit. You really don't know what accomodation is out there until you look. Work out a budget and make a plan to get away from this guy. When I was looking I was VERY surprised via word of mouth to find a great place at low rent and owner was happy about my cats. Was more important to have a good tenant than lots of money - so you just never know.

Hope you have a good nights sleep.

Original poster
madforfootball · 03/04/2012 02:30

They wouldn't be happy, tho to some extent the cat would be ok so long as she's with me.

Remembered friends were wanting tenants for house in Inv. They had a dog so would prob be ok with even the hens. Think they found someone tho but will check.

OP posts:
threeleftfeet · 03/04/2012 02:31

You're not pathetic and stupid! You've been unlucky, is all.

You're a good person. Plenty of people as nice as you have met a decent guy and have never had to face up to the fact that some men are manipulative users, or worse.

Unfortunately you've been unlucky, and are having to learn the hard way. It's certainly not fun. But pathetic and stupid? No!

Hope you sleep well :)

threeleftfeet · 03/04/2012 02:31

crossed post skinnedalive :)

threeleftfeet · 03/04/2012 02:32

That sounds great. Keeping my fingers crossed for you!

amelia33 · 03/04/2012 02:33

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