How did you "know" he had another woman. Dh swears blind. I

[2wwmadness]

Im 8.5 months pregnant. Dh and I have a hell of a year with his mother being very ill and me not supporting. We ate now in one hell of a mess and I'm not sure ou relationship will survive. Basically he wants out. Loves me, cares for me, doesn't want the marriage. Too much anger and fighting. I understand, at times nor do I. But when we are both about to leave, we can't. He says that he knows he is making the biggest mistake of his life and still really wants it to wil and believes his feelings will come back if we keep talking. It is getting better. Very slowly.
The thing is as soon as he told me he was struggling with our marriage I accused him of an affair. I am embarrassed to say I did do some mental hormonal behaviour. Dh has always maintained no one else is involved. I have all the passwords to everything. He shows me his phone whenever I ask. But deleates all his messages regularly anyway. The more I check up on him, the more
Angry he is getting as he swears he's not up to anything. I just can't shake the feeling. He had a fling years as years ago. A one night stand. He told me hen he could easily get away with it. Tells me that if someone else was involved it would be easy to walk away as he could fill his time with someone else. When he's tellin me a Beleive him. As soon as I'm
On my own. I have doubts again. I know these boards are very quick to shout othe woman. But calmly, honestly, how did you know. Am I being a pregnant hormonal crazy lady.
There is so much stress in his life at the moment. Can stress/ depression do this to tou?!?

Sorry bout the typos. On my phone

Its very hard isn't it without proof.

He has form. How did you both recover from the ONS? Did he tell you why he did it and how he was going to ensure it would not happen again?

He gets angry and defensive. What is he doing to reassure you?

He wants out even though he says he still love you. Has he suggested counselling/relate etc?

Its possible that he could be picking fights in order to justify a possible affair. Do you think this could be right?

Does he seem distant/cold/detached at all?

Your gut feelings could be spot on - it might be that he is thinking of having an affair and if I were you I would do some snooping - has he been mentioning anyone a lot recently?

I would look for a second phone (in car?) if he is relaxed with his phone.

Hopefully it is just a bad patch and there is nothing else going on.

He says he needs space to sort himself out. I get that, didn't give it to him
And want off the scale crazy! Because of that he didn't want to come home to deal with the fighting. So I went more crazy he didn't come home. Circle continues. Right now I'm at my parents. He's at ours. He understands that he didn't help with my insecurities. I understand that I made it worse by accusing so much. We have agreed no contact for a week. If he still feels the same next sunday. We will split. This morning it was cuddles and "I think this will work" and "don't take your wedding ring off" he has never taken his off.
I still cannot get my head around the fact you would consider leaving a few weeks before your baby is born. I would totally understand if the baby wasn't due so soon, or he was born and older.
But dh comes from a single parent home and so does his father. And I know it was messy and hurtful and did a lot of damage to dh and fil. He says if he leaves now our son will never know the heartache of we don't work. He is angry with th world and stressed and I agree we have had
Problems. He is up for counselling and suggested it. He has made it clear that he would of walked of it wasn't for the baby. But I would of too. It's how good I know we can be that's keeping us in this.
The one night stand was complicated. Different circumstances totally and he knows now that I wont put up with it and he has a week to sort himself out. I'm stronger. I just need to calm down with the other woman thing if it's not true.
On the one hand I understand his behaviour. On the other hand I think "ffs just do what I need you to do to help my insecurities" I have been acting mental though.

So sorry OP that you are going through this at such a difficult time.

Trust your instincts!!! My XH was conducting an affair with a schoolteacher neighbour and she had the cheek to turn up with a present when my DD2 was six days old! I was very well after an easy birth; felt fine but had decided not to go out with my mother and children, as planned. I wanted to stay at home with the baby. My XH was furious when I told him (on his return from the pub) that I wanted to stay in. The OW turned up 5 minutes after she had seen our car leave - she had obviously been told that I would be driving. It was horrible! Incidentally, she was his new OW (found out much later that he had had a big affair while working away during which time my beloved DD2 was conceived on a weekend home!).

Bloody men! Good luck, OP!

Was he with YOU when he had the one night stand or an ex.

I can't make out if you are being paranoid or not from what you say.

Sorry, there's a lot going on with the situation. He was with me. It was 3 years ago

There is nothing in your op that indicates another women to me. Rather upset, confusion & hurt.

Why didn't you support him when his mother was ill?

When you say you didn't give him space, what do you mean?

And what do you mean by "off the scale crazy"

To me, it just sounds like he is exhausted from supporting his mum, supporting you & putting up with your moods. And isn't really quite sure what he wants, to be fair

I don't think you can just 'know' a lot of the time. Suspicion can be a good instinct but it can also be highly destructive if it becomes obsessive. My DB's split from his ex-wife because he couldn't stand the constant accusations and checking up. (His job means unusual hours and time away from home) In her case, it was her own lack of self-esteem that was the problem as he'd never given her any reason to doubt. In your case, the one-night stand is obviously playing on your mind. If you don't trust him to the point that it's making everyone in the relationship miserable, and if you can't see your feelings changing at any stage, then I think you should draw a line for both your sakes and move on.

The problem with infidelity is that once the trust is gone it's very difficult to get or back.
You may just be paranoid, which is not healthy to the marriage. But if you feel you can't trust him, is it worth staying?

It sounds a very toxic relationship for both of you.
Not sure if he's playing you or just tired.

I think its a mixture of hormones and paranoia that has happened before your waiting for it to happen again. Just an idea but would you think to both go to relate. Me and my husband went after he was made redundant and got depressed and short tempered and it all came to a head over Christmas and threw him out but only for a day or so and I told him I wanted us to go counselling. As we were unemployed at the time they offered it for free but usually work on a donation.we sat and talked etc and now thing are now great.I think your husband loves you. He s made a mistake in the past but you both need to work to put it right. Unfortunaly you have to forget past to face the future but I know it is hard.I hope you can world this out good luck xx

There are a lot of things going on here.

You are very pregnant,and therefore very vulnerable. And presumably not feeling especially gorgeous, so it's easy to think he might not be thinking it either.

If it was just this, I'd say hang on in there, things will change (one way or the other) when the baby is born.

but as others have said, he has form. And I think most people would go "offthe scale" if they found out their partner had been shagging someone else. The comment about him putting up with your moods is to say the least. The comment from him about being able to get away with it is chilling. Almost like he's telling you that you might have found out that time, but any time he wanted to, he could.

He might not be having an affair. But he's not happy with you, and tbh, it doesn't sound like you are happy with him.

I think you need to get through having your baby and then do some good hard thinking about just how valid this relationship is.

The comment about him putting up with your moods is hmm to say the least

So you think it is acceptable that she can go "off the scale crazy" do you?

Would it be OK for her dh to go "off the scale crazy" if OP asked for room to sort her head out? Or for him not to give her that room, as op didn't?

His mum is bi-polar. She has always been a handful. She has been the worst she has ever been throughout my pregnancy. Meaning dh spent a lot of time going to her for days, on the phone for hours. He spent the last week we would of had together as a couple at her house in a different city. Leaving me on my own. I don't agree with the level of care we give her. I could of supported more, and going forward, I'd we do. We have agreed we need to go through every senario and agree on how we care fe her. Rather than him always going to her and me feeling left out an sidelined.
Going crazy, I shouted, screamed and threatened him with horrible things (divorce, never seeing the baby Ect) I accused him of cheating and wet through his phone Ect without him knowing. His argument was that if I asked, we would of shown me.
Hes gone out over the past month a lot. Drinking to escape he says. A few times he's got hotels as jut not come home. He doesn't always text. I found out about th one when he says he was at his friends. He said its coz he doesn't want to come
Home drunk. And he stayed at a hotel and said he was at a friends because he was going to stay at the friends and they fell out (which they do) and he ha already text me saying he was staying out and doesn't want to come home drunk. It sounds suspicious I know. But when he's here I honestly beleive him. It's just I keep thinking "but why do it then"

He hasn't said to me ever "I could of for away with it" re the last affair. He was working in a different city, I had no idea and he could of easily got away with it. She wanted more. He told me straight away and was devastated he did it.

My behaviour has not been acceptable. He is not 100% in the wrong. I agree relate would help. I thought you had to pay lots?!
It does sound toxic, the past 7 weeks have been. I've felt vunrable. We have moved to a new area, I don't know anyone. He's in work and moved before me so more settled. I'll get there, I'm meeting people. It's just a huge combination of bad timings resulting in massive war!
We have a good relationship generally, we communicate well, when everything's calm and not angry. There is so much worth fighting for.
I guess like this I don't Beleive he does have anyone else and I can see how we got here easily. I'm just not sure the best way out. The space between us is
Helping. 3 days ago I was screaming down the phone (in his work ) that he was having an affair and I hate him and he will never see me again chucking stuff into bin bags. I know see that was a huge over reaction. He just needs to sort his own head out.

Your OP said he said "I could easily get away with it"

Mistype, sorry was tired. He never said it. It's a fact, he could of

"Tells me that if someone else was involved it would be easy to walk away as he could fill his time with someone else"

Is that a mis-type as well?

Ok...firstly go easy on yourself. You're 8.5 months pregnant for God's sake andd this is NOT the way to be living. The stress is terrible!

You need to stop. Look after yourself. Step bck from the mess...think of the baby and of YOU...just for a while. Let DH do what he does...he will if he has any bollocks take care of you. Now isn't the tme to be talking about your relationship....that's for later when you have recovered.

No. , if he met someone else this time. It would be easy for him to walk away. He would have someone else to be with. He is still wearing his wedding ring telling me he wants to make things work. I took it that he meant he would of left already if he had someone else. He wouldn't bother fighting for us

Thanks awkward. I feel the same.

It sounds exhausting. I know he was unfaithful a few years ago but i can't help but think the problem here is you. It sounds like you are constantly freaking out about nothing, screaming at him, saying terrible things about how he'll never see his baby again, screaming down the phone to him at work . . . Seriously! Calm down. I am not surprised he can't live with you at the moment! It must be a nightmare to be constantly screamed at and accused.

You know what, if he is going to be unfaithful again there is nothing you can do to stop him. What is happening though is that you are driving him away, THAT will end the relationship anyway.

I needed to hear that. I'm so so embarrassed. I know I need to grow up and calm down. I'm gunna use this week to look after myself. Get calm and relax. I'm so scared. Scared of having a baby and being responsible and being a good mum, I guess I'm just waiting for it to all go wrong

SOmetimes, pregnancy is very hard on a relationship...please take good care and try to enjoy these last weeks (easy for me to say...I'm not full of baby!) but you know what I mean...have sleeps, and watch tv...go somewhere nice for lunch or just a coffee and a waddle with DH....tell him you love him and get the baby's things ready. Come back here when you feel upset or uncertain of DH....it helps a lot.

Bloody hell! Update!! Sio I was feeling all ok. Thinking about where I went wrong and how I can support better. Driving back from the hospital I see dh. Walking back from the station. He's supposed to be in another city working. I pull over, ask him what's going on. He says he doesn't want to talk to me, he had a call out at 3am. He chucked on the clothes he had on the floor (the suit he ore yesterday) and went. He's just got back now. I ask to see his hand. His wedding ring is off.
I have to drive past our house anyway, I call in. No one slept there last night. Wait for him to come home. Tell him no one has been in the house. Truth now. This can get no worse.
He says he stayed in a hotel. Was drunk. I say who with. He says on his own. He stayed drinking on his own. He admits his drinking is a problem and he's doing it to numb he pain. I say to him why should I believe there's no one else. He said he wishes there was so I would just leave and he would stop hurting me.
I tell him I will help with his drinking, hes supported me in the past and i will support him if he needs it. He saysbhes so angry and hes loosing the plot after carrying so much of a burden for do long. Hes only still in this for the baby. I hand him my wedding ring and tell him I refuse to be lied to and just being in it for he baby isn't good enough. I deserve better. Que "I didn't mean that I am not just in it for the baby, please come back" I take my ring off him, tell him to turn on the tracker on his phone so I can see where he is (find my iPhone app) if he comes home every night. No booze. And we will talk on the weekend. I don't want to see or hear from him until then. I don't shout, I said it calmly and I mean it. Told him I'm a mug and everyone else would of left by now. He needs to give me 1 reason to stay if he wants this family. And we will work to put it right. If not, ill be fine on my own. But our son does not need an alcoholic father. I leave.
He texts he's sorry, he's playing he bad guy so I can leave with a clear conscious. I tell him I'm not leaving so he will have to do it. He said he's figured that out and he's got an internal battle and he don't know hat to do and he's sorry. I must stress he has been unde a lot of pressure from his mum and work. So before everyone shouts ow. It is possible he doesn't and he's just having a breakdown. Mental health and addiction problems are rife in his family. His mother was diagnosed when she had him. Similar age to us. What do you think?!
I'm a mug aren't I .

No in my opinion you are not a mug but i still don't think there is another woman.

To me as i said earlier you sound like you are desperate for it to be another woman. You never stop going on at him!

You completely and utterly don't trust him. I feel sorry for him. You met up with him and accused him yet again of being unfaithful, played stupid games with your wedding ring and are now tracking him constantly on your phone for fuck sake! Poor bloke! Leave him alone and stop hassling him.

I wouldn't be surprised if you have driven him to drink!

You seem sure that everyone is going to say its another woman yet the only one who seems to think this is you.

I have never said this on here before and perhaps i am wrong, sorry if i am but it does seem as though its in your head. You seem like the equivalent of the jealous possessive man why never stops accusing. I used to date one of those and it destroyed our relationship it was HELL to be with him. He drove me away and eventually into the arms of another man.

If that's what you are trying to do you are doing a very good job!