DP arrested on suspicion of psychosexual offense.

[lewaffle]

I don?t even know where to start?..

We have been together for almost 6 years. And all these years there were times when I felt like I was going crazy. Literally.
I never felt like DP was totally honest with me, he never let me in the whole way. Although he was very affectionate, we had similar views; he always complimented me and reminded me how much I am loved. I believed he was the one, that we had a future together etc. I brushed his unwillingness to speak under carpet and kept moving on. after all there are a lot of people who do not enjoy the deep sort of conversations.
However there was always ?. ?something? , that I could not put my finger to. It is so difficult to explain really. I sort of knew he was up to something but there was no proof. Questions were raised from my part on a regular basis, sometimes allegations, all of which were turned against me and I felt like a paranoid wreck. I was checking PC history, I was searching his clothing, I was checking his phone?. along this he was ever so charming and again made me believe that he is ?the one?, that we are perfect together , that his love towards me is endless. I felt like I was the one in wrong, I was made to believe that he was the perfect guy and I?m the one looking for reasons to have an argument etc. I just can?t quite believe I was manipulated like that. I was even prescribed AD.
He has now been arrested on suspicion of voyeurism. He was caught at a hotel; apparently he has been going there regularly. He admitted it.
I find it so difficult to even type. The thought of him sneaking around, spying on vulnerable people (who are not aware of his actions, obviously) to gain sexual pleasure, makes me sick. If it was something as simple as an affair I would be able to understand, I would deal with it. But this is beyond me.
All this time he was living in his own world. I feel like I was used for a cover. Just to make him seem ?normal?, to make him appear like a perfect family guy. I am once again a mess. But this time is different. Even though my self-esteem has suffered in past years, I now know that there was only one crazy person in the family, and it was not me. The sad thing is, my first instinct was to help him, to save him! Now, the reality has kicked in and i just don't know how to move on.

Sorry for the symbols, was copied & pasted from a word doc.

I'm so sorry. But pleased that you were shown to be right in all your 'groundless' suspicions. Your instincts are spot on.

Sorry to be brief and therefore blunt, (am out soon) but here is a summary of my best advice:

• kick him out, right now, to buy yourself time to think

-this is not about what you didnt offer, but about him and his sexual compulsivity

• he may never work on the reasons for this if he stays in your home, and anyway you need the space

• do not hide this from others- you will need the RL support, and it will help him face up to what he has done, and why

• get counselling help for yourself asap, eg confide in your doctor and ask for it.

• do not act as his counsellor

This must be such an awful shock. My own middle aged h sex chatted young women on the net for 5 years and hid it from me, so I do know exactly how you feel.

Much much later on, buy the Patrick Carnes book

www.amazon.co.uk/Out-Shadows-Understanding-Sexual-Addiction/dp/1568386214

I don't have much advice for you but I had a (male) friend that admitted to me that he "practiced" both voyeourism and exposing himself. I couldn't get my head around it. He seemed to think it was a victimless act and I remember writing him an email imploring him to think of the poor people that he could have affected - not least of all his wife and kids if ever he had been caught out.

He said he had never thought about it frightening people as he knew he was no harm to them but he then turned it on me and said I was being a prude and repressed. We're no longer friends because of this.

Good luck, this is a very shitty situation for you.

Now that reality has kicked in, I hope you'll realise that the only hope you have of saving yourself is to kick him out and have no more to do with him.

Forget about saving him, honey Only he can save himself but, frankly, even intensive long-term psychotherapy may not be sufficient to prevent him from re-offending or from committing more serious offences than the one he's recently been arrested for.

Do you have dc with this man?

OP - What a terrible shock for you!!!

Dump him!

Will be thinking of you - best wishes!

Thank you fiventhree xxx

Yes, izzyizin , we have a DD together, which only makes the situation worse, since I can't simply walk away and never see him again.

He has now moved out. I do realise it is for the best for everybody, but I'm finding it very hard at the moment. I suppose, it's the sadness of realising that the relationship (that I believed it was) is gone. The years we spent together building our life (that was never even real from his part), in a way, have been a waste of my time.
My feelings are so mixed; there are some moments when I feel strong enough to say to myself that I deserve to be happy and I will achieve this, I just need time. But then there are moments when I want to ruin his pathetic life like he has ruined mine. I have felt like letting his family, his work and everybody know what he has done and what the real reasons for our separation are. His reasoning to his family is totally out of order as they think I'm the ne to blame! Saying that, I also realise that he must be ever so lonely in his own sick world and that must be enough of a punishment for him...
Not sure what will be happening with the house, DD and other legal things yet :(

He's a sex offender - its not in your dd's best interests to maintain a relationship with him, surely.

Al0uise , this is one of the legal side of things I will have to deal with. Police have confirmed that there will be no charges due to "lack of proof", i.e. no photos or videos were taken ( or found to be taken?) by him, therefore they can not take it further. Also he is not considered to be dangerous... as such
However I am concerned for DD and how his mental issues might affect her.

You poor thing :(

How you have to suffer for his sick sexual proclivities. So hugely unfair.

What an awful worry :(

Er... why did they arrest him then? And if he admitted it, why do they need proof?

I agree that you should be very concerned about him having access to your DD.

Many serial rapists started out as voyeurs. Obviously not ALL voyeurs go on to more serious things, but it can be a first step.

And for god's sake, tell his family the real reason why you split up. Why on earth would you take the blame for this???

Why would you protect him from the consequences of his actions, and take the blame yourself for them

tell his family, tell who you want

it makes me so sad when women feel compelled to cover up for inadequate men like this

why should you get the pointing fingers and snide comments ? I say direct them to there they are warranted

this isn't your fault, and covering up for him implies you go along with false premise that you should somehow feel shame for his actions

you should not

AF because he is "innocent" in the eyes of the law and she could be done for harassment, I dont agree with it, but its the way it is.

no, it needn't be "harassment"

I wasn't advocating she put a full page spread in The Times

simply, to close friends/family (or in fact, to whomever she wishes) she should tell the truth

why not ?

I don't expect he will take her to court about it, will he ?

I agree with AF> Why should poor op be the bad guy? Out the nasty git.

dont get me wrong, I dont think for one second she shouldnt be able to out him, but I am concered she could get into trouble.

Too few prosecutions, thats the real problem, makes this an issue for the OP rather than officialdom.

Sorry but I think that's nonsense Janedoe. The police would be hardly likely to support the OP's h in any complaint that she had told the truth - afterall he was arrested and has admitted his crime. The OP's h is hardly likely to try bringing a case of slander or harrassment when the OP is merely explaining the reason for her marriage break up to her family truthfully.
Don't give the OP something else to worry about.

TBH I'd be more concerned about your dd and only for that reason tell only close family and very trusted friends.

Take care OP you must still be reeling. Don't make any decisions or worry about the future until the shock has settled.

Sadly it's not nonsense

OP I would only confide in very close friends, too. You are still coming to terms with the news yourself, taking on others' reactions is a big step. You will need to feel ready and also I think wise to protect yourself from others possibly taking out their reactions on you negatively.

You do need someone of your own to confide in, do you have access to therapy?

I understand your feeling of wanting to help him, that is understandable. Of course it is possible to have feelings of love/shock/rage etc all mixed up.

I think it would be supportive of you to live separately to him and set firm boundaries around contact because not only is it safer for you (I mean emotionally) but for him, too, as your reaction is part of his reality.

This is hard to explain but I have been through similar and it is complex, it is very splitting - that is, it divides families and friends very much and I would advise you to protect yourself by taking it in little steps.

I also believe that, although his behaviour is abhorrent, it is still quite possible he has many good qualities and he should not be written off as a person. He is obviously confused and without boundaries, but a good therapist will be able to help him change his behaviour and gain insight.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. It's very tricky.

I don't know what country you're in, janedoe but here in the UK it is not a criminal or civil offence to tell the truth.

Given that her h's arrest on suspicion of a sexual offence is a matter of record, the OP will not be committing slander or harassment in appraising his/her family/friends/acquaintances that, although it would appear that no charges will be brought against him on this occasion, this incident has been sufficient to convince her that her marriage is at an end.

The only aspect I would caution you on, lewaffle, is that you have evidence such as having seen him being arrested, or have had some dialogue with the police that you can cite to back up your contention, otherwise it seems to me that if you've only heard of this incident from your h, it may be that he is not so much a voyeur as an exhibitionist or that he may be attempting to discredit you in some way.

With regard to notfying his employers, that would seem to me to be to a tad extreme and, in any event, it is is in your interests that he has an income that the CSA can appropriate should he be reluctant to pay child support.

If you are unable to solicit personal recommendations, I would suggest that you visit www.womensaid.org.uk to locate your nearest branch, give them a call during usual office hours, and ask them to point you in the direction of solicitors who specialise in divorce and family law and who offer a free half an hour initial consultation.

If it can be stipulated that any contact he has with dd is facilitated under supervision in an approved centre, you should be able restrict your communication with him to the bare minimum.

You should be fighting tooth and nail to make sure he does not get access to your DD again. Get legal advice for the sake of your daughter. She needs you to speak up for her and to put whatever feelings you have for this man to one side while you do your utmost for her. Women's Aid number is 0808 2000 247. They are always busy. Leave a message and they will get back to you.

You need to tell your nearest and dearest what is going on in your life. When you are feeling string enough, tell his family what really happened.

You need to go to your GP and talk about your ADs.

You did not cause this man's crime and you can't cure him of his problem. This would have happened no matter who he ended up with. You gave him every chance to come clean. He decided instead to mess with your mind. You need to admit to yourself that the life you had with this man was far from what you wanted. Read your own OP again and maybe thank your lucky stars that it was only six years, and that you only had one child.

You need legal advice. Hotel patrons who were spied on may have civil redress against him. The hotel may have a case too. You need to separate your finances. All of this had to have come to light somehow in order for him to be arrested. Someone must have caught him in the act. Maybe you should hire a detective to find out who, or what the circumstances were? That would help you try to keep your DD safe.

Since even this scare hasn't had the dire consequences for him that it should have (and sadly I don't think losing you or the DD will affect him too badly -- seems he has already told his family a lie about it all) there is a very high likelihood that he will do it again and keep on at it until he is caught and experiences some adequate consequences. Again, hiring a detective here to monitor reports of his activity that come onto police radar might be a very good idea. The police will probably watch him.

to be fair to JaneDoe, many many people have had poor experiences at the hands of the police/courts with respect to the reporting and subsequent handling of sexual crimes

I personally have read of instances where the victims of the crime were treated worse than the accused

however, since the police are not pressing charges, they will have no further involvement and I would imagine this bloke will not bring a civil charge of slander as it will expose his behaviour in court

Thank you AF.

izzy I am in the UK, and while I agree no-one should be able to be arrested for simply telling the truth, reality and police advice tell me differently.

Innocent until found guilty in a court of law means exactly that I am afraid, regardless of how much guilt the ex has admitted to, he hasnt been prosecuted, which means he is innocent.