Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP arrested on suspicion of psychosexual offense.

66 replies

lewaffle · 01/04/2012 08:52

I don?t even know where to start?..

We have been together for almost 6 years. And all these years there were times when I felt like I was going crazy. Literally.
I never felt like DP was totally honest with me, he never let me in the whole way. Although he was very affectionate, we had similar views; he always complimented me and reminded me how much I am loved. I believed he was the one, that we had a future together etc. I brushed his unwillingness to speak under carpet and kept moving on. after all there are a lot of people who do not enjoy the deep sort of conversations.
However there was always ?. ?something? , that I could not put my finger to. It is so difficult to explain really. I sort of knew he was up to something but there was no proof. Questions were raised from my part on a regular basis, sometimes allegations, all of which were turned against me and I felt like a paranoid wreck. I was checking PC history, I was searching his clothing, I was checking his phone?. along this he was ever so charming and again made me believe that he is ?the one?, that we are perfect together , that his love towards me is endless. I felt like I was the one in wrong, I was made to believe that he was the perfect guy and I?m the one looking for reasons to have an argument etc. I just can?t quite believe I was manipulated like that. I was even prescribed AD.
He has now been arrested on suspicion of voyeurism. He was caught at a hotel; apparently he has been going there regularly. He admitted it.
I find it so difficult to even type. The thought of him sneaking around, spying on vulnerable people (who are not aware of his actions, obviously) to gain sexual pleasure, makes me sick. If it was something as simple as an affair I would be able to understand, I would deal with it. But this is beyond me.
All this time he was living in his own world. I feel like I was used for a cover. Just to make him seem ?normal?, to make him appear like a perfect family guy. I am once again a mess. But this time is different. Even though my self-esteem has suffered in past years, I now know that there was only one crazy person in the family, and it was not me. The sad thing is, my first instinct was to help him, to save him! Now, the reality has kicked in and i just don't know how to move on.

OP posts:
ElephantsAndMiasmas · 03/04/2012 15:18

That's why you wouldn't say "he is a voyeur", you would say "he was arrested on suspicion of doing XYZ".

dreamingbohemian · 03/04/2012 15:21

But he was arrested.

It is not a lie to say he was arrested.

What kind of rubbish police force is this that won't prosecute a man who has admitted his guilt, and tells his wife she can't tell her own family that he was arrested? Mind-boggling.

dreamingbohemian · 03/04/2012 15:22

You need proper legal advice. Find out from your own solicitor what you can and can't say.

janedoedoejanejanedoe · 03/04/2012 15:24

The issue isn't about lying - it's about whether telling the truth can lead to harassment charges.

Let's face it we have women in this country who have been been prosecuted for being raped.

rubycon · 03/04/2012 15:24

this offence will show up on a CRB check - he is now flagged. If I were in your shoes I would check your hard drive.

mathanxiety · 03/04/2012 15:31

Lewaffle -- he is trying to intimidate you here into keeping his secret thus enable him to avoid facing the consequences of his actions. He needs to be able to operate in his little bubble hiding his real self from everyone in order to keep on indulging in his addiction or his fascination or fetish or whatever he likes to call it while at the same time enjoying the friendships and relationships he has with others. You do not owe him your silence. You are not obliged to enable him to carry on as before. You don't have to out him as revenge, but you have needs here too, and your needs trump his.

You absolutely can go ahead and tell your family and friends that he was arrested, what he was arrested for, and that because of a technicality the prosecutor will not proceed with a case this time. He can howl all he wants but the arrest and his admission are on police records and he can't deny that. He has no comeback whatsoever against you.

He would like to convince everyone that none of this happened of course, and part of that comes from his own splitting of himself in two, and his denial that he has any problem.

Do not buy into this lie of his. It is actually very important for you psychologically at this point to say the words to people in RL. Preventing you from doing so by hints of revenge of any sort is abusive.

janedoedoejanejanedoe · 03/04/2012 15:32

Dog Paradise tells her story, page 9 16:07

janedoedoejanejanedoe · 03/04/2012 15:34

Can I say that I believe harassment threats to be further attempts .to silence victims, I dont agree with it all (just in case anyone thinks I do)

fiventhree · 03/04/2012 15:38

How are you OP.

You should tell his family, in my opinion.

This is partly because you have enough to deal with, without taking the blame publicly for the relationship issues.

But it is also because when other people about whom he cares know, it will force him to face the consequences of his actions, and he is highly likely to prefer not to address this (sweep it under the carpet).

This should matter to you, OP, regardless of the relationship reasons, because he is a parent to your child.(alot of issues here). This is the key reason.

And finally, you now have knowledge that he is a sort of danger to women, even in his current terms- ie he must have frightened and upset some of them, at least. So there is a social duty, not just in general, but also to women about whom you care.

mathanxiety · 03/04/2012 15:40

Rubycon, excellent advice, even though Lewaffle has gone through it a bit in the years up to now. Some people are really good at covering their tracks but you might need material for the child access discussion.

Janedoe, while I appreciate your points here, the cases you have mentioned are worst case scenarios, and they have an element of he said/she said.

In this case there has been an arrest, and that is undeniable. There is also an admission of guilt, and again that will be on record. He hasn't a leg to stand on.

Lewaffle could say he was arrested without ever saying for what, and that they are now separated. (That would actually be far more damaging to him than giving the details, because people have imaginations).

I think this man will eventually do this again and the cat will be let out of the bag. But I don't think Lewaffle should be kept prisoner by his secret while waiting for that to happen.

janedoedoejanejanedoe · 03/04/2012 15:41

I think this man will eventually do this again and the cat will be let out of the bag. But I don't think Lewaffle should be kept prisoner by his secret while waiting for that to happen.

Neither do I Maths, neither do I, given that I know exactly what that feels like.

rubycon · 03/04/2012 15:46

I have experience of this first hand - so I know how you must be feeling. It was before voyeurism was made an offence - that is why I suggest you check your hard drives - but whatever you do - don't open anything suss you find on there or it will leave you open to prosecution.

AnyFucker · 03/04/2012 16:36

I hope OP is ok, she hasn't posted for a while

and that you too, jane, will be ok

mathanxiety · 03/04/2012 16:38

Be careful of files called 'sports talk' and other innocuous titles. If you don't know what it might be, leave it alone.

AnyFucker · 03/04/2012 16:40

or take the hard drive to the police station and let them deal with it

janedoedoejanejanedoe · 03/04/2012 16:41

OP is probably having a RL somewhere :)

Thanks AF.

AnyFucker · 03/04/2012 16:41

I hope so, jane Smile

rubycon · 03/04/2012 16:44

no, don't take it to the police, you could end up being the one in the wrong. Destroy it if anything shows up that could be dodgy.

janedoedoejanejanedoe · 03/04/2012 16:45

if the police were interested, they'd have asked for it anyway.

janedoedoejanejanedoe · 03/04/2012 16:52

sorry lost half my post!!

If they police were interested they'd have asked for it anyway, I dont understand though, why they werent interested, they had a complainant and a confession, it should have been an easy case to prosecute

AnyFucker · 03/04/2012 16:58

ruby...do you mean destroy the hard drive itself ?

because deleting anything that is there will not "destroy" it forever

and if OP simply deletes, she could be seen as complicit in a crime

I wouldn't have it in my house, tbh, I would take it to the police and disassociate myself from all of it, right now

mathanxiety · 03/04/2012 17:04

In light of the arrest, I do not think the police would be inclined to look askance at Lewaffle for bringing the hard drive to them.

She has a potential hot potato on her hands and is damned if she does and damned if she doesn't touch it. The time is ripe to deal with it now.

mathanxiety · 03/04/2012 17:06

Is it possible that the hotel didn't want publicity about a case of repeated voyeurism within their property and brought pressure to bear against a prosecution?

AnyFucker · 03/04/2012 17:10

could be, math

EmilyPollifaxInnocentTourist · 03/04/2012 17:16

I think math is right about why there is no prosecution. I case I am familiar with involved a Uni. They did everything they could to cover it up.

I also think that the Op should take the hard drive to the police and tell whoever she needs to in RL to get support.

We will always be here to listen but you need RL support too.

Swipe left for the next trending thread