DP arrested on suspicion of psychosexual offense.

[lewaffle]

I don?t even know where to start?..

We have been together for almost 6 years. And all these years there were times when I felt like I was going crazy. Literally.
I never felt like DP was totally honest with me, he never let me in the whole way. Although he was very affectionate, we had similar views; he always complimented me and reminded me how much I am loved. I believed he was the one, that we had a future together etc. I brushed his unwillingness to speak under carpet and kept moving on. after all there are a lot of people who do not enjoy the deep sort of conversations.
However there was always ?. ?something? , that I could not put my finger to. It is so difficult to explain really. I sort of knew he was up to something but there was no proof. Questions were raised from my part on a regular basis, sometimes allegations, all of which were turned against me and I felt like a paranoid wreck. I was checking PC history, I was searching his clothing, I was checking his phone?. along this he was ever so charming and again made me believe that he is ?the one?, that we are perfect together , that his love towards me is endless. I felt like I was the one in wrong, I was made to believe that he was the perfect guy and I?m the one looking for reasons to have an argument etc. I just can?t quite believe I was manipulated like that. I was even prescribed AD.
He has now been arrested on suspicion of voyeurism. He was caught at a hotel; apparently he has been going there regularly. He admitted it.
I find it so difficult to even type. The thought of him sneaking around, spying on vulnerable people (who are not aware of his actions, obviously) to gain sexual pleasure, makes me sick. If it was something as simple as an affair I would be able to understand, I would deal with it. But this is beyond me.
All this time he was living in his own world. I feel like I was used for a cover. Just to make him seem ?normal?, to make him appear like a perfect family guy. I am once again a mess. But this time is different. Even though my self-esteem has suffered in past years, I now know that there was only one crazy person in the family, and it was not me. The sad thing is, my first instinct was to help him, to save him! Now, the reality has kicked in and i just don't know how to move on.

I once worked in a hotel with a reputation for guest satisfaction that it guarded very closely. Security was good but the interests of the reputation were what they were really paid to protect. It meant the guests were pretty safe but that was the secondary concern. Brand protection was paramount. Calling in the police was just about the last thing that would have been done absent discovery of a dead body with a bullet hole in the head. Even cases where prostitutes were inveigled into the premises were handled by security personnel and arrests were not made.

Dear All,
Sorry, been at work and busy all day.
Many thanks for all your responses. You really cannot imagine how much it means at this time, when RL support is not quite at hand. I do understand where most of you are coming from in regards to telling friends and family the truth. And yes, i do have to gather some strength to decide how do go about it, since (as pathetic as it sounds) i do feel somewhat ashamed and not quite ready to shout out loud what a mess my life is and by no means I would like to make it a bigger mess.
mathanxiety - you have read my mind. The hotel is located in a tiny village (quite far away from where we live, actually), this sort of publicity issue would instantly force them out of business.
Some of your responses have given me strength, you know. As i mentioned before, it would be so much easier to deal with some "normal" issues, like an affair, alcohol or something that most people can relate to. But to realise that I have been sharing my life with someone who has such deep psychological problems is ever so hard.

I would destroy the hard drive. Sorry, but I'm not a great fan of the police in these sort of crimes, I've seen too many balls ups that they've made.

Regarding the hard drive. Police would only start looking into these things if there was "enough evidence" or a formal complaint raised by the hotel in question. Since the arrest matter is not going further ( I believe the hotel is simply not willing to take it further) there is no point considering the hard drive, besides, the laptop is mine and he hardly ever used it. Never mind saving anything on it.

Fair enough, lewaffle. I am glad you have found this thread helpful.

Do you know for a fact that he was arrested on suspicion of non-consensual voyeurism and that subsequently no charges were brought, or is this something he has told you?

Voyeurism is shown as a disorder of sexual preference on the ICD-10.

BTW, don't worry about your hard drive - there'll be nothing compromising on it.

It might help to remember that this is a mess that was not of your making and that you have nothing to be ashamed of. I think it's very natural to feel very humiliated (irrationally) when your relationship goes tits up for reasons like this, or to think you were some sort of mug all along or that people will judge you for being in some way lacking or stupid or failing in relationships 101 or whatever. Most people are not going to respond like that. But the hurt and vulnerability are hard to admit to and the feeling of humiliation is hard to get over.

Bit by bit you will start to feel angry and that will help you to reach out and tell others. No matter what triggers the anger, when it comes, it will overcome your reluctance to tell. Maybe you will wake up one day and the fact that he has walked away unscathed, laid the blame on you so that his family could go around maligning you, while you hesitate to tell the truth to those whose support you need will galvanise you into action. I hope that will be soon.

izzyizin, yes I do know for a fact. I have spoken to the Police on numerous occasions while this has been going on.
How it was presented to me was that he obviously has serious issues etc but he is not "dangerous". To start off with, the hotel had reported him being there with some sort of camera/recorder. As the time went on and the statements were taken from the hotel staff, it appeared that there was not enough evidence and they did not taking it further, which does not make much sense and only makes me think that it's publicity based.

mathanxiety, thank you

He is dangerous, I have to disagree there.

He is certainly in physical danger on his own account.

He has clearly crossed a lot of lines and is uninhibited. Maybe a good thing because he will be less circumspect and will be caught.

But it also means he is dangerous to the general public.

This behaviour is a gateway crime. It is very common for men to move onto more severe forms of sexualised violence. That is why Rape Crisis and other organisations which support victims have been campaigning for years to get the judicial system to take this crime more seriously. I think the hotel and the police are acting in an incredibly cowardly way by refusing to take the case further.

How horrendous for you - you have been used in a way that has taken years out of your life and caused damage to you and the most precious thing in your life - your daughter. You and she will never be able to trust him again - this will affect both of your futures regarding relationships. You have already stated that you have been on ADs because you knew something wasn't right and that has caused a drip drip of pressure on you. You have been made to feel crazy while he has been content to let that happen to you - and what's more he has been content to let that happen to the mother of his own daughter. His behaviour is criminal, and it's called abuse. He has used you and abused you - both you and your daughter.

I should see solicitor, not for any redress from the clients at the hotel, but to SUE THE PANTS OFF HIM. He deserves punishment and you deserve compensation for the damage he has caused you. I'm not a lawyer and don't know if you can claim damages from an abuser, perhaps a more experienced poster can enlighten us. I would say that even if there is no compensation, exposure means he will not be able to use anyone else and it sends out a message to others that he is untrustworthy.

This may be good punishment for him and good therapy for you. Good luck.

You have no redress in the case of marital abuse or fraud no matter what the effects. In almost every other area of human interaction and contracts the law allows a system of redress. If a criminal act takes place, such as DV/marital rape or a threat to your person, then you can call the police and co-operate with prosecution, or insist on prosecution. That's all there is. It should be done more often but it's easy to understand the reasons why that is not the case.

Thanks for that Math, a sad truth that once again shows us that the law is an Ass.