What is a 'good relationship' supposed to feel like?

[dontaskme]

I have posted on here re my own should-I-stay-or-go dilemma so have been scavenging bits of advice from other people's posts. There seems to be a consensus that it's pointless to stay in a relationship that doesn't 'make' you happy. I'm left wondering just what 'being happy' actually means.
I think I am fearful of walking away from my own situation because I don't know whether I'm unhappy because of my relationship with DH or if I'm just a miserable/neurotic mess.
I have a history of difficult relationships with men - father, brothers, DHs - and I can honestly say in my whole life I have only been happy and content with one person, the first few years with my previous DH who did the dirty on me eventually anyway.
I think what I'm struggling to understand is whether you can expect a relationship/DP to make you happy iyswim? Or is it just that if someone's behaviour/personality actively makes you unhappy then that's a good enough reason to give up.
What does a happy relationship feel like? What's it supposed to be like?

If an intimate relationship doesn't feel life-enhancing, it's not worth having.

I'm not in a particularly great one myself at the moment, but I can tell you how it felt when it was good - the one word which described it was 'easy'. I never worried about it, we were easy with each other, I didn't stress about the odd row, I just knew it was good. I felt content and even happy.

People have different ideas of what a good relationship is. I have a very good friend who thinks that a relationship isn't worth having unless she is cock a hoop head over heels in love with plenty of passion. This also means she spends a lot of time arguing and feeling angsty. Her longest relationship was 3 yrs, she's in her mid 40s.

I'm more of a comfort woman myself. He encourages me to live my life and do things that I enjoy, to develop as an individual and grow. I trust him and him me. We don't argue (although I concede that this is unusual!). He makes me laugh and he talks about interesting and often very silly things. He's my best friend. There's very little in the way of passion but we still have sex, so it's not like living with my brother, a common lament, because they'd lock me up if I were having sex (and children) with my brother.

I've been with my dh for 18 years. We've certainly had our down times when he's driven me up the wall and vice versa but I think we're in it for the long haul.

I agree with 'easy'... comfortable in each other's company, making each other laugh, caring about each other, not worried about what the other is going to do or think if there's a problem because you know it'll be sorted out reasonably, love. Friendship plus.

Izzy - I certainly don't feel my marriage is 'life-enhancing'. Not sure I have much of a life to enhance at the mo.
Maybe- that's interesting. I never actually feel 'easy' with my DH. In fact most of the time I feel decidedly uncomfortable, like I'm with a stranger.

Well, I don't suppose there's a blueprint, and what makes me happy might seem terribly dull to someone else. But here goes (and in no particular order):

1. shared values, both in terms of personal behaviour and how we view our family unit, plus extended family.
2. commitment to fidelity
3. putting each other, the marriage and our children first (so, for example, if one of us wanted to do something that was going to cause the other one grief, we'd reconsider and probably not do it)
4. similar sense of humour - we sit and laugh together.
5. friendship - we look forward to seeing each other each evening and sharing details of our day. I "store things up" to tell him. We'll also 'banter' via emails/text.
6. enjoying doing things together - although we don't really share many hobbies/interests - but even when doing routine things like walking the dog, we're chatting or there's a companiable silence.
7. being able to piss each other off and know that we'll get over it, apologise and move on. I miss him when I'm not talking to him!
8. sharing household/childcare tasks out fairly.

I'm sure I'll think of more...

I would happily go without passion if I could feel DH was my best friend and we could have a laugh together. I have a secret fantasy of being with someone I could be content to sit and do the crossword with.

I could never do the crossword with my dh!

Firstly it's MY crossword so he'd better keep his grubby mits off it.

Secondy he's useless at crosswords.

Thirdly he, from time to time, says something like '8 across, stepladder' without knowing the clue and then claims that one of these days he'll be right.

Like I said, 18 years together.

Things like doing the crossword together and having a laugh aren't bad benchmarks. I think a good working definition of 'love' is someone who's company makes you quite content, even when you're not saying or doing anything at all.

OP, there have been times when I've considered myself a "miserable/neurotic mess" too. And,when I was in previous crappy / wrong relationships I thought this was my problem. However, now with my DP, I can still be a bit miserable but it's 'our' problem. He's helped and supported me, rather than adding to my worries.
I think a big part is how partners support one another when things get tough.

My parents are just turning 80 and have been married for 56 years. From the minute they wake up to when they turn the light out at night, they are yakking away to each other about something or other - politics, music, gossip, family, friends, future holiday plans, you name it.
I really worry about how on earth one will cope when the other goes.

I think the only person who can make you happy is you. We are all responsible for our own happiness. We can't pin it on anyone else. Although living with a difficult/tiresome/tricky/boring person can definitely have an affect on us.
I was discontent and had been feeling under par for almost 3 years (in a relationship for nearly 20) and while we were best friends, I felt it had run its course and I didn't want to trundle along for the rest of my life making out we were 'just ok'... so I cut loose.
This might go against the grain but I don't think it's realistic to be with the same person for decades on end. It seems so outdated. We are under so much pressure by society to make it work yet lots of women change (especially those who question themselves) and sometimes we grow apart from our partners or realise we might not have so much in common any more. It's not a sin. It's life.
I think it's important to have a laugh with someone. Life is heavy and difficult enough as it is. I'd say don't waste your precious time with someone who leaves you feeling a bit empty, let alone feeling like a stranger. Get out there and breathe in some fresh air and you will meet someone who will want to share doing the crossword and be happy in their company, just being.

clam great posts :)

Clam -- your parents are lucky. To still have a good chatty relationship after 56 years is brilliant. It's quite rare too.

I'm not a big fan of the idea that your relationship makes you happy in itself. I prefer to think I am happy because I have a good life and I appreciate it. Having said that, i think a good relationship is a huge part of being happy.

What a good relationship offers me is:

• Knowledge that there's always someone in my corner. That even if he disagrees with me or doesn't like things about me, he is on my side and loves me and sees the good in me.
• the strength and the support I need to do other things. In my case, to work and have a career even though I have DH and DS. I like to think I offer the same to DH - he has my financial support so that he can work on some of his own projects but I think he'd say my emotional support when he tries new things etc is as important. That goes for me too.
• the option to be 100% comfortable being myself. With all my contradictions and quirks.
• Someone who makes me laugh, who gets my jokes, who acts in a way with me to make me laugh that he wouldn't with anyone else
• a partner. So when I'm tired, or ill, or upset, he's there for me. And I can step up for him when he's the one struggling. It means I don'thave to do everything myself. It means I don't have to feel pathetic or uesless because I'm tired today or I just want to cry tomorrow. And being able to offer that to someone else too makes me feel strong and useful.

It also means endless cups of tea in bed/on couch after dinner; a fun "intimate" life ; someone else to take out the bins; a buddy to watch the Apprentice with while jeering at the contestants; a permamently grateful person to cook for and a strong body to keep my feet warm in the middle of winter.

cogito said exactly what i feel..the easy feeling being around one another is priceless. After 10 years,i still feel a wee thrill when his key turns in the door.And we hug lots.

This is what I feel is vital:

• laughter / fun
• chat - about inane stuff or important stuff
• trust - I can tell him anything without being judged
• support - always being on each others side
• sexually compatiable
• have the same basic values as me about family, work, money, honesty etc
• I need to feel that I am loved and adored right back

Oh dear. So, I don't feel content, comfortable, supported, listened to. Never have any laughs, easygoing chat, mutual piss-taking or crosswords. Trouble is I don't have much courage or optimism either so have just tried to accept this as normal and therefore something must be wrong with me as my DH is so bloody Mr Sodding PerfectHusbandandFather.

For me personally, I can see differences with DP compared to my past stormy relationships.

He encourages me to be my own person, to have my own interests, to succeed in my chosen field, to make my own decisions and have my own opinions. He is happy to give his personal input but would never try and sway me one way or the other.

He makes me feel confident, when I have a "fat day" he will always tell me he loves me unconditionally and thinks I'm beautiful but will offer support if I wish to drop a couple pounds/tone up etc.

I can sit in a room with him in silence whilst still feeling comfortable, I don;t feel like I have to make conversation and it's never awkward.

I look forward to him coming home in the evenings and find myself smiling when I get a text from him or when his key turns in the door.

I just feel .... content. Which is something I haven't felt before, like I could stay with him forever and be content and like I am safe with him and everything will be ok.

When you feel safe and happy, when at the end of the day you are held, loved, comfortable with each other. When the relationship enhances you life and you feel better knowing this person is by your side and supports you.

Clam - its your number 6 that I'd put second:

1. DD is the most important and always comes first
2. being able to piss each other off and know that we'll get over it, apologise and move on. we row but we know in doing so its not going to undermine the relationship.
3. liking eachother on some level
4. sticking to the groundrules (if you're polyamourous or monogamous or open to discussion its fine providing you both follow the rules)
5. respect yourselves and eachother

This is really enlightening and touching and lots of these posts remind me of the time I did feel so much more positive about the person I was with. The scary part is how you can get so used to feeling low and depressed that it's very scary to try and find a way to change things. I am not so young any more so part of me thinks I will just have to put up with things for ever.

OP..why not let him read these posts,and see if it starts up a conversation.
do you know how he is feeling about your relationship? Does he know how unhappy you are?

ice I did say they weren't in any particular ranked order!

Softpaw - it is not really DH's fault, just the way he is and he knows how I feel. He just says he is the way he is etc.