What is a 'good relationship' supposed to feel like?

[dontaskme]

I have posted on here re my own should-I-stay-or-go dilemma so have been scavenging bits of advice from other people's posts. There seems to be a consensus that it's pointless to stay in a relationship that doesn't 'make' you happy. I'm left wondering just what 'being happy' actually means.
I think I am fearful of walking away from my own situation because I don't know whether I'm unhappy because of my relationship with DH or if I'm just a miserable/neurotic mess.
I have a history of difficult relationships with men - father, brothers, DHs - and I can honestly say in my whole life I have only been happy and content with one person, the first few years with my previous DH who did the dirty on me eventually anyway.
I think what I'm struggling to understand is whether you can expect a relationship/DP to make you happy iyswim? Or is it just that if someone's behaviour/personality actively makes you unhappy then that's a good enough reason to give up.
What does a happy relationship feel like? What's it supposed to be like?

never make you feel threatened or afraid, no matter what you do

This is interesting. What if he doesn't 'make' you feel afraid as such, but it's your default setting when (you think) you've made a mistake? How would Mr Right respond to that?

My DH is always 'on my side'. That is the simplest way I can put it. The support and love is always there. He would never put me down, belittle or insult me or hurt me in any way,

I don't honestly know garlic. Comfort, reassurance, support? It's not my default setting, so I'm not sure. The reason I wrote it is that since reading the relationships section on MN, it seems that a fair few women are somehow 'afraid' of their partners. Often, they are afraid of their anger, or angry outbursts, rather than any physical threat - and I think that's a really terrible way to live your life.

I have never felt remotely threatened or afraid of my dh - nothing I could do could make him behave in threatening manner towards me and I've known him over 20 years. He is 'always on my side' is a really nice way of putting it MagsAloof.

It should feel 'like coming home'.

Good relationships will be different for everyone. I find happiness being in an easy relationship, as someone else mentioned before. To each other, we are low maintenance. And we like it that way. We have never had an argument. If there is an issue we sit down and logically talk it out and find a solution. Neither of us do mind games. Also 100% honesty is very important. Brutal honesty works for us. We know all each other's deepest secrets. Oh and lots of sex is a must, in our opinion! And zero abuse.

My dh said the secret of our (hopefully) good marriage was that we're ultimately on the Same side ... Sometimes we annoy each other, but ultimately we look out for each other and want the same things.

Thanks, running :) That 'always on my side' post really hit home for me, too - I remember trying to tell various exes that was what we should be, and weren't. Didn't resonate with them, as I was on their side. They didn't seem to register I'd quite like it to be two-way!

I think you're right, comfort and reassurance (and patience, probably) would do the trick in the end. The anticipation of anger is a hard habit to shift. I've come far enough that I won't accept inappropriate anger any more - and hope I've learned where it's appropriate - but that doesn't stop me expecting it. It could be quite painful for a decent man, I imagine, to be with someone who half-expected him to have a go at her.

Ooh, x-post re 'same side' :)

Yes I agree,easy and safe,content with laughter and shared values.

garlicbutter
when I was in the depths of rather nasty undiagnosed PND,I was compleatley paranoid,and frightened.
I worked myself up into a complete state one night, I was angry and scared,I think I was trying to provoke a reaction or something,I wasn't thinking straight...
anyway,mid argument,I slapped DP,hard around the cheek.
straight afterward I expected him to hit me back,he reached forward and I jumped back,he kept coming at me -I was shaking- I thought he would be furious,but he wasnt,he just hugged me and held me and told me everything would be okay.

That's how a decent guy responds to a fearing 'default' setting.

And he's never mentioned it since,never used it against me,never made me feel guilty for it.

That nearly made me cry :)
Thank you, Frigg.

trust, honesty, respect, being on the same side, humour, understanding, caring - all of the above really. When you can take someone for granted without taking them for granted.

Frigg your DP sounds lovely - my dh would be the same and we should ALL of us expect nothing less. PND is a terrible thing isn't it?