What is a 'good relationship' supposed to feel like?

[dontaskme]

I have posted on here re my own should-I-stay-or-go dilemma so have been scavenging bits of advice from other people's posts. There seems to be a consensus that it's pointless to stay in a relationship that doesn't 'make' you happy. I'm left wondering just what 'being happy' actually means.
I think I am fearful of walking away from my own situation because I don't know whether I'm unhappy because of my relationship with DH or if I'm just a miserable/neurotic mess.
I have a history of difficult relationships with men - father, brothers, DHs - and I can honestly say in my whole life I have only been happy and content with one person, the first few years with my previous DH who did the dirty on me eventually anyway.
I think what I'm struggling to understand is whether you can expect a relationship/DP to make you happy iyswim? Or is it just that if someone's behaviour/personality actively makes you unhappy then that's a good enough reason to give up.
What does a happy relationship feel like? What's it supposed to be like?

A 'good relationship' is supposed to enhance your life, give it somethgin extra that you don't have to have, but that adds to your life.

It certainly shouldn't have you unhappy.

Your own happiness is your responsibility, of crouse, and you will never find it from someone else, but with the right person you will not be prevented from finding your own happiness and contentment.

Having spent many years single and content with my life, I know I certainly don't need DP, I choose to have him in my life because he brings a whole lot of extra stuff to my life that I choose to have in my life. He isn't responsible for my happiness though and I am not afraid that without him I wouldn't be happy.

A relationship, whether with a partner or with a fiend, has to add to your life or there is no point in it. Even a friendship has to be beneficial to you, or it isn't really a friendship is it?

With my DP I feel easy, content, I have a companion and frined that knows me better than anyone else, I have someone to share everything with, who makes me laugh a lot, who does little tihngs that are lovely, who does big things that are lovely, who shares in the mundane boring chores of life, who is always there for me. He doesn't give me stress, anxiety, issues, isn't horrible, doesn't insult or put me down, isn't selfish and mean. My life is better with him in it.

I agree it ought to be easy. Or mostly easy at least.

It's not so much he should make you happy., but he should allow you to be happy - there's a difference. I know what you mean about not being sure if it's you being unhappy anyway and him not being able to solve that, or him making you more unhappy than you would be without him.

I had forgotten for many years what a good relationship felt like. You do forget unless it is happening to you.

I also think it should perhaps feel 'necessary' to be with someone, if it's right. I know the thought of not being with DP is terrible, to me. I don't feel I have a lot of choice about whether it works or not, it just does. iyswim?

Like the sky is blue in summer...or cats have a leg at each corner. It just is Ok.

"I also think it should perhaps feel 'necessary' to be with someone, if it's right. I know the thought of not being with DP is terrible, to me. I don't feel I have a lot of choice about whether it works or not, it just does. iyswim?" - yes yes Flightty!

Thankyou....I thought it might be misunderstood as meaning that without him I'd fall to bits. Well I didn't for a long time before he came along so of course I'd be fine. But the idea of not getting on with him, it not working, between us is really odd, because it just does.

and the compulsion to be with him as much as possible doesn't leave me.

I have 2 answers to your question.

1- No relationship can make you happy. Happiness (real happiness) is something you find within yourself, not because or thanks to someone else. So if you are not at the right place yourself, you could be with the man of your life and you will never see it.

2- A happy relationship is something different altogether. Trust, feeling close to each other, wanting to be with each other, enjoying each other company. All that springs to my mind. Before, I would prob have added feeling supported and knowing that there will be someone to lean on when things are hard (and I will be there for him too). but tbh what makes you happy in a relationship will be different for each person!

As you say you have never felt happy, I would say that you probably need to look at both sides of the problem.

Just realized that I've said more or less what overmydeadbody said....

Also remember that the 'oerfect relationship' doesn't exist.
Living with someone might enhance your life but with it, you will have to do some compromises. The difference is that, when the relationship is right, these compromises don't feel like compromises/something you have 'given up' FOR the other person.

Curry, what you say in your list about shared values sounds lovely.

I don't have that with DP, well, in some ways, in many ways I dare say but not in everything. But it doesn't seem to make any difference, in terms of feelings as I can see why he has those values even if they are not mine, and I love him anyway. In practical terms there could be issues around that sort of thing but we keep the things we disagree on separate, so they don't affect the other person.

It's strange how love works isn't it.

dontask - while I 'knew' all the points in above posts, I didn't have good relationships and don't think I've ever had one with a partner, really. The thing that was missing for me, and which it never occurred to me was possible, is this easy business. I'd spent my whole life trying hard, second-guessing some male displeasure, and basically walking on eggshells.

I can think of just one boyfriend who was 'easy' and also kind, etc. I dumped him for a more 'exciting' twat [doh!] The tensions felt more normal to me than a nice, mutually-considerate, happy relationship.

There's a load of smaller stuff, which I've picked up from here mainly, about considerate and caring behaviour (as opposed to words) but it does add up to 'easiness'.

If it turns out too late for me to find an easy-going relationship, I'll stay on my own thank you I'm still picking bits of metaphorical eggshell out of my feet - I am so done with walking on the damn things!!

Btw, I respect what you're doing here. It's a tricky process and you seem to be getting to grips with it far earlier than I did :)

Peppa, yes that's really important. It doesn't feel like you're compromising for them, it's not like work, at least it's enjoyable work if it is work.

You want so much to make them happy that you actually want to do stuff you'd find hard for someone else.

I have a close male friend I never really got it on with, but we knew each other from school. Once he asked me to do something for him, to do with his CV or something and it felt like, Oh gosh do I have to? Really? It was very hard for me to agree to it because I didn't get what he was planning to do, didn't agree with it necessarily (it wasn't wrong, just an idea he had) and I thought, Oh God what if I felt like this all the time. I just could not be married to this person. Even if he's really nice.

and then, with DP I find that I want to wash up, I want to go and buy nice food and COOK it (those of you who know me, well, lets say it's unusual to find me within 50 metres of a kitchen) and I want to stay up all night taking care of him when he is poorly. Or just, actually stay up watching him sleep, when he's perfectly alright. I don't even know why.

OP, have you thought about some counselling on your own? To try and find out what's going on in your own mind?

Garlic - we've met before. You must be me. And thank you.
Flightty - the WANTING to cook etc is something I used to feel with previous DH so I know what you mean about those feelings. I have had lots of counselling over the years yet having insight into why you behave in a certain way isn't the same as feeling able to do something about it. I think I am just paralysed with indecision and cowardice. It's really helpful to read everybody else's ideas though.

What everyone else said plus being in a relationship is meant to be (apart from times of bereavement and crisis) fun as in laughs, secret in jokes, total understanding and the feeling of dread imagining for one second your life without him in it.
I saw online recently 'marriage is having a sleepover with your best friend every single night' but better than just a best friend, because he's your husband, the man you vowed (if married) to love, honour, cherish etc. You save your kindest words for each other, not colleagues and can be so easy and free and yourself around him.
Slobbing about on the settee is fun, seeing crappy wee things in a shop and bringing one home just coz you know the other one will love it and you were thinking of them.

So... Best friends but SO much better. Of course relationships and people change over time, some people shouldn't have gotten together in the first place and also, lots of people have low standards or low self esteem and it doesnt occur to them that they deserve to be treated excellently or that there are excellent men/women out there, or that sometimes it's an effort to be in a marriage and sometimes you just want everyone to shut up an leave you alone for a few minutes. I'm proud to be his wife and I hope I treat him at least half as well as he treats me.

Being with someone who makes you the best version of yourself.

and vice versa

Oh dear. Thought I'd ask dh what makes a good relationship. He asked what I meant. So I said "well, what makes you glad to be with me?"
Answer: "nice tits."

Clam :o

I think a decent relationship is where you generally don't have to ask/worry if you're in it, you just merrily get on with it in your own way.

Shouldnt feel like work and I never get anyone that says that.

Best friends, 2 pieces of jigsaw that fit together you just fit, lots of converation, love being with each other and when you arent together think dh/dw would love that/laugh at that etc, very attracted to each other, good sex, spark, just at ease with him/her sitting on the sofa as at any event, cuddly, affectionate and hand holding. I also think these should never die whether together 1 year or 60 (It hasnt for me and DH or my mum and dad and we have all been together since teens)

There seems to be common themes among all the posts - friendship, feeling at ease, laughter, shared values and good sex and so on - and looking at my own marriage I can see that we don't have/do any of them. Given me lots to think about.

Where are you guys finding all of these lovely supportive men?

Warm and squishy.

Hope I didn't make anyone hurl

I would agree with the general themes that have come out of this thread OP. Mutual respect is the most important imo.

You should be with a person who you can be yourself with, and who will never make you feel threatened or afraid, no matter what you do. Someone who is your best friend, who you can talk and laugh about anything with. Someone you like to spend time with, who can see you at your worst and still love you. And vice versa of course.

Definitely shared values - it's incredible just how similar dh and I are, in our views of life, morals, politics, religion etc - we do argue, but only about really silly niggly things.

A good couple-relationship should make your life better. Having one isn't compulsory. IF you feel, and have felt for a long time, that you would be happier on your own, then the relationship you're engaging in is not right for you. Thinking that you would feel happier in a couple-relationship with someone other than your current partner isn't necessarily a reliable indicator that your current partner is the wrong one.

SGB - never give a thought to being with anyone else, am under no illusions that another relationship might be better as I don't expect to have the opportunity/desire to go through it all again. No, am usually happier, more at peace with life when I am doing things that don't involve DH. However, he is there in background so easy to be brave when there is a backstop.