Parents getting divorced after 43 years together. Gutted. :(

[fuzzpig]

I'm 25 so I feel like this shouldn't bother me but it does. Although not for the expected reasons.

I've known it was on the cards for years really. Since I got a BF at 16 (he's now DH) and they overtly gave up all 'parenty' duties, mum has used me as a counsellor and gone into more detail than I ever wanted to hear. A few years ago they had a big argument and mum just sprung the papers on him, and me. I was devastated then but nothing actually came of it as she forgave him. They just went back to acting like it was all ok.

So in the last year or so mum has told me more and more, not once thinking that maybe I couldn't handle it, including telling me about an emotional affair or two and expecting me to listen and be excited for her. But I do agree she is right to leave. Dad makes her miserable. I told her she needed to do it now. I even told her that if she posted on MN, everyone would say the same!

So she did it last week. He's not shown any emotion (he's not good like that) and they are acting like nothing's really happened, only just discussing practical stuff like what to sell. Have just spent a draining two days where they have been here, DH giving them lots of advice about finances etc, me just sitting there.

The house is the hardest thing for me. I was sexually abused there as a young child, by mum's brother. It is not their fault but I resent and struggle with the fact they let me down and in particular that they didn't let me prosecute. Obviously there are hideous memories of the abuse and also my teens where I spent years as a shut in just self harming in my room until I ended up in a psychiatric unit.

I have said for years that I was worried about inheriting the house and it was something that mum agreed with. Ironically this was one of the main reasons mum wanted a divorce. She has always hated it, it is too big for them, too expensive, and falling apart around their ears. Rats, mice, insects. When I was a teen a storm smashed my window, it is still covered in plastic over 10 years later. That's just one tiny example. I am really worried how my dad will cope on his own. He is self employed but workless and can't even look after himself let alone finances and a house or flat. Mum has done everything. His mental health has been worrying for years.

So now they are finally sorting it out, and I'm so sad. I am angry that I don't get a family home with good memories, somewhere to take their grandkids. I guess I was hanging on to the idea that one day they would do it up like dad always said and that it would paint over all the shit that went on there. The only home I knew was full of hurt and now even that is going. I thought I would be pleased but I'm devastated.

This weekend is my best friends' wedding and we are all staying in the hotel 2 doors down from the house. I am expected to go there in between bridesmaid duties and see what stuff I want to keep.

Everything else in my life is chaos and stress right now, it's all hospital appointments and referrals and I just want to run away and not worry about any of it any more.

I'm sorry this is a mess.

Oh, I don't have any advice but that sounds like it's really hard for you.

Fuzzpig, I guess you have to take any memories that are good, and try to throw out the bad ones. How devastating for you. It sounds like your Mum & Dad haven't really been there for you, but you've been there for them

fuzz this must be really difficult for you.

Re the abuse, it's not too late for you to make a complaint to the police if you were to feel up to it.

Exactly how much (or how little) support did they show you when and after your uncle sexually abused you?

Because the fact that they stopped you from prosecuting + the fact that your mother has been using her as an overly intimate confidante about her issues makes it sound to me like your mother is a huge drain on you, emotionally, divorce or no divorce.

using you*

That sounds tough. I think you should delay going to the house while you are at the wedding, or go beforehand if you can so it is out of the way.

Would it help you to write about the GOOD stuff that happened in the house and maybe take some pictures? You could show those to your kids in the future.

Will your dad go and get some help for his new life from CAB? Or his GP? Church?

I can't really think of any good memories. As a kid it was just me, mum and dad. I was the result of the biological clock finally ticking. I was just there. Wasn't really treated like a child at all, I just fit in with whatever they were doing.

The cruelest thing is that the only fun person in my life was my uncle. He was a lot younger than my mum and was like the big brother anyone would dream of, until we were alone in my room or a few other secluded places. I miss him. Fucked up eh.

I told when I was 13, and the police were informed, with SS help I did a video statement thing. After, mum begged me not to prosecute on the grounds that he wouldn't cope in prison. So I didn't.

Today mum told me that if she hasn't bought a flat when the house sells, she will move in with grandma. He lived there until a couple of years ago and still spends a lot of time with her. So I guess she will be too. Because she is too passive to actually refuse to see him.

fuzzpig, I find everything you say in your last post really sad.

Have you had any therapy for the abuse you suffered and for the hurt caused by your parents failing to protect you?

You feel devasted about the loss of the family home...I wonder what is it that the home represents for you?

Your parents have not been good parents to you do I am not surprised you are finding things hard. Have you ever had counselling?

Yep I had CBT from CAMHS for about 4 years (14-18). The main focus was the abuse, my parents and the self harm. It did help, certainly it got me out of the self harm as I pretty much stopped after.

We had family therapy too, specifically for me to be able to talk about all this in a safe place, but come to think of it I don't remember getting much of a voice in those sessions in fact, they continued seeing that (different) therapist long after I stopped going, as a kind of Relate thing. Not exactly what it was designed for...

I feel like I need therapy now but everything is so bad right now I'm not sure I could face making things worse (in a getting worse before they get better type way). With a whole new person. I trusted my CBT therapist with everything and it's hard to imagine opening up to somebody new. I know I need to one day.

I am hoping to get CBT in the next few years anyway... I have just been referred to an ASD specialist as it has recently come to light that I am probably an Aspie. This is a good thing, it explains a lot, even stuff before I was abused. Sorry for drip feed, it is just so complicated. I've been starting so many threads on all this lately

My dad is also looking into a referral as we are quite similar. I am just so hurt that it's another thing mum didn't notice. I was clever (very) and that is all they wanted or cared about. Today she said "so it [Aspergers] hasn't really affected you growing up, has it" WTF?! Then I remembered she said pretty much the same thing about the abuse once. Anything to assuage the guilt.

I just realised what a stupid title this thread has. I'm barely even bothered about them splitting up right now.

Your parents let you down - you didn't get the happy childhood and protection you deserved.
Now that they are divorcing it must feel like they can never make amends - not that they ever could

Don't know what to say that may help to ease your pain. But everything you feel is justified, you may need professional help to deal with it.

You certainly need to develop strategies to stop your narcissist DM from sucking you dry.Protect yourself

Never thought of her as a narcissist before.

I don't think my parents are horrible people, just totally useless and dysfunctional.

I go full time next week, I was really hoping to enjoy my last relaxing week but with everything going on it is impossible.

I think you really need someone to off load onto. I would talk to your GP, tell them about all of the issues you are dealing with (needy parents and possible Aspergers, and memories of the abuse, and possible contact with abuser?). See if they can recommends or refer you to someone suitable. The National Autism society may also be able to help with some of it.
The other thing you need to start to do is to build boundaries. Some of what your mother has told you is totally inappropriate. You might want to direct them towards agencies and professionals that can help them, but don't take the burden on yourself.

Could a friend or your DH go with you to pack up anything you might want to keep. I would also try to keep that visit separate from the wedding.

Good luck!

Fuzzpig, I just wanted to let you know that there is a thread here for survivors of childhood sexual abuse. It's a place where you can just talk about how you feel, about the abuse, your parents, whatever you like. The atmosphere is very supportive and many people there will understand the kinds of things you're going through.

Thanks.

I'd seen that thread on Active, but hadn't dared look yet. I'd thought the abuse was actually such a tiny part of my life. It is really - the aftermath was much worse than what actually happened. From other threads though I guess that is quite common.

I really, really wish I had the strength to delay the visit (or to just say no to anything!). In a way. The rest of me is desperate to get it over with - I don't deal with waiting, or uncertainty very well (AS-related I think), I will just dwell on it until it happens. I don't think there is much left to look through anyway. The house is unbelievably cluttered, but they've been bringing our old stuff over for a while, before the divorce talk.

I have work today and tomorrow, then dad is picking us up and taking us to the hotel. I think we will spend an hour or so with them before going to a pre-wedding dinner. Saturday is entirely weddingful. Sunday I think will be the day. At least I'll have the excuse of getting back for the DCs bedtime and my early start on Monday. There is no way I'm eating there, I don't even set foot in the kitchen, it's disgusting.

It sounds like in the long run it would be very helpful for you to get some distance from your parents. What do you think?

We live about 45mins by car. We moved here to be in the same town as DH's older DCs so are here for the foreseeable future (and are, despite everything else that's going on, quite happy here!)

I am constantly torn between being hurt that my parents don't see us more and wanting them to sod off forever

I know that feeling fuzz. My parents are also completely useless. Something that helped me is to finally accept that they would never be the parents I wanted. I spent years and years trying to get them to respond to me, show some love, some concern, anything, and it drove me mad (literally). It was only when I realised (with the help of psychiatric nurse) that they are who they are and they're never going to change that I started to feel like I could free myself from them. I moved country and my life has improved hugely since then.

That said, I still feel very sad that I don't really have parents.

I do too. In a way I think I feel sad about the house because I feel relieved about the house IYSWIM? It's supposed to be sad when you no longer have a family home, but I don't get to feel like that because I don't see the house like that. We weren't even really a family.

A colleague's parent died suddenly recently, I am gutted for her, she loves him so much and misses them terribly (she is late twenties). But I can't actually imagine feeling like that if it happened to me. I'd be sad but more because I'd be mourning the loss of the parent I never had.

I think it's sad the way your mum is self centredly trying to turn you against your dad by justifying the divorce by listing all the things he did that made her miserable.
She shouldn't be dragging you into it like that. She does sound as though she takes no responsibility for her actions and blames other people for stuff.
I wouldn't get rose tinted ideas of other people's "family homes" . We moved about alot as a family and my dad now lives in a smaller house now that he's older. My husband's parents also no longer live in the house where he grew up. To me a house is just a house.

It is pretty sad when you realise that your parents weren't the parents that you needed them to be and that none of you can go back in time and fix that.

Even if they totally changed in the future and became great parents to you as an adult it wouldn't ever fix that they didn't give you what you needed as a child.

This is how my own childhood was. It has helped me just being able to acknowledge that this is how it was for me and that inevitably having inadequate parenting continues to create issues once you are an adult. I stopped feeling so bad and guilty about why some things give me problems as an adult once I acknowledged my parents had been crap. Maybe you can gain some similar peace of mind at least.

I really sympathise with you and I think a good counsellor could really help you to feel better about it all - it has been very helpful for me.

I am so sorry you have been so let down.

I think the one thing I'd want to do right now to protect myself is to make it very clear that you are no longer available to be a confidante.

Will reply properly tomorrow.

Am so pissed off. Parents were coming up to an event in my workplace, and had promised to drop off a bit of furniture beforehand. DH was expecting them at 6, he had the door open and had held off on DCs bath/bed. They rolled up at the event at 7, saying they'd come straight here. They had only just phoned DH. No apology, nothing.

It is a tiny thing but it is just a microcosm of their entire attitude to me. If it was somebody important, somebody in authority, like an appointment, of course they'd be on time. But because they made me they can fuck me around and I'm not allowed to say anything.

I did refuse to let them get the furniture out of the car though, when they dropped me home after the event. I said it was supposed to be done before the event and so now it was too late.

A tiny, bitter victory in my otherwise crappy day.