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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

am i being paranoid about husband?

67 replies

housewifedesperate · 27/03/2012 15:54

Hi, basically just what the subject says, am confused as to whether i'm just being paranoid or whether my husband is out of order with his behaviour.
About 4 years ago he had what i consider an emotional affair where he spent hours (and i mean hours) on the internet chatting to this old friend of his and completely detached himself emotionally from me. He has always denied that he had an affair of this type and claimed she was helping him through a difficult time within our marriage! He blamed me a lot for the problems and for letting myself go and not putting any effort into our relationship, all my fault! this was after i'd had 2 miscarriages in the 2 previous years and probably was a bit of a wreck.
Anyway, fast forward 4 years and we have worked through things and i am basically happy apart from the fact that i am still paranoid about him and the internet. He still spends a lot of time on it but different websites devoted to his new obsession. This time he is messaging young women, one in paticular i have noticed and asking to meet up with them. When i say meet up i mean in the context of this particular website and interest so he has got a legitimate reason for meeting up. However, he has been doing a lot of research on this particular girl, even going as far as looking up her ebay feedback. She is also on a few dating websites that my husband has looked up.
I do feel uncomfortable about all this and have that churning feeling in my stomach that i got before. My question is whether people think i'm being paranoid or whether this is just innocent behaviour that you would put up with,
Many thanks

OP posts:

MissFaversham · 27/03/2012 15:57

This time he is messaging young women, one in paticular i have noticed and asking to meet up with them

OP, do you really need to ask?

Time to boot him out isn't it.

Proudnscary · 27/03/2012 15:58

Errr, you are not being paranoid enough!

Leverette · 27/03/2012 15:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CallieJ · 27/03/2012 16:00

Sorry but no way is this just innocent behaviour, you are not being paranoid and need to sort this and him out asap... preferably by showing him the door.

Original poster

housewifedesperate · 27/03/2012 16:00

do you really think so, even if the meeting up is innocent. Will have to tell you it's to meet up to go for long runs in training for marathons etc. a close friend in real life has said she would never put up with this but he has got me to a place where i feel nervous about saying how i feel because then he accuses me of being controlling! he also doesnt know i know all about this, to my shame, i have been snooping but i suppose he has given me cause hasnt he?

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/03/2012 16:01

YANBU to feel uncomfortable. Once you can't trust someone, you can't trust them. Blaming his last episode on you 'letting yourself go' is about as low as it gets. You may have worked things through and even managed to put them behind you but that nagging doubt will never leave you, I'm afraid.

Even if his conversations with women are totally innocent he shouldn't be checking out dating websites at all. Ask to go along to some of these 'legitimate reason for meeting up' meetings if you want to know the truth. I'm guessing you won't be welcomed with open arms.

Sweepitundertherug · 27/03/2012 16:03

Why has he looked up dating websites.
Tbh, he sounds like he's stalking the other woman.

When my h had an affair, he also blamed me.

You wouldn't have to snoop if he wasn't being such an arse.

Have it out with him. Do not let him blame you.

Good luck x

CallieJ · 27/03/2012 16:03

He is controlling you OP and playing mind games to make you think it is the other way around! Of course he has given you cause for snooping... if he is so interested in going for long runs then why can't he go with a bloke?

Original poster

housewifedesperate · 27/03/2012 16:05

in truth he has met up with a couple of women before and hasnt been secretive about these. i have even met the women in question. Its just with this latest one, she is single and is on dating websites, she also lives nowhere near us, other side of the city and he seems to be going out of his way to arrange to meet. he keeps looking up her pictures on face book and the other websites she's on. i think it's a bit sad tbh but it still makes me really sad because i'm obviously not enough. I consider myself in good shape and in no way have let myself go, i feel i look alright and he should consider himself lucky he's got me so what's he playing at?

OP posts:

izzyizin · 27/03/2012 16:06

You're not paranoid - he's after an extra-marital leg-over and if he doesn't get it on with the current object of his lust, he'll find another.

Methinks it's high time you called time on your marriage to a man who clearly believes that the grass is always greener elsewhere. Boot him out and chuck his laptop/computer after him to keep him company.

Original poster

housewifedesperate · 27/03/2012 16:08

he does go for long runs with men tbh but it's this last woman i'm paranoid about. he does seem to be a bit obsessed but this is not acceptable behaviour i don't think. i know i'm pathetic because i'm letting him get away with this but the truth is i'm scared because i have a family i want to keep together.

OP posts:

izzyizin · 27/03/2012 16:09

What he's playing at is making plans to play away.

Do you really need to be with someone who makes you feel that you're somehow 'lacking'?

AgnesCampbellMacPhail · 27/03/2012 16:09

This isn't how good men treat their wives. It really isn't.

He is blaming you because he can. Because it means he never has to take responsibility for his behaviour or the consequences of it.l

You are worth more than this.

Original poster

housewifedesperate · 27/03/2012 16:12

i just don't understand it because he still goes on about how wonderful i am and how proud he is of me. He constantly cuddles and kisses me and shows affection but then rushed off to his computer and does this! what is going on? and they say women are the more complicated sex

OP posts:

izzyizin · 27/03/2012 16:13

You won't be able to keep your family 'together' when he announces he's off with one of his internet finds, will you?

Far better to pre-empt the inevitable and keep your self-respect intact by getting shot of him now.

Original poster

housewifedesperate · 27/03/2012 16:16

do you really think i have enough cause to get rid of him? he's a good father and not bad husband apart from this

OP posts:

AgnesCampbellMacPhail · 27/03/2012 16:17

He's playing games with your mind because he can.

Telling someone you love them is easy. Actually loving someone and treating them with respect and love is completely different. It's about walking the walk and not talking the talk.

openerofjars · 27/03/2012 16:17

It is because he is a twat, honestly it is. He is keeping you in a state of confusion by treating you superficially nicely and then rushing off to look for, presumably, sex elsewhere. That way, when he has an affair, he can say, "But look how nice I am to you: she meant nothing to me, it was all about the sex". And you will be made to feel unreasonable for objecting, and he will do it again.

Look at his actions, not his words. Talk is cheap.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/03/2012 16:19

"they say women are the more complicated sex"

We are. His strategy is not at all complicated, it's like an open book. Kiss and cuddle you & arrange to meet someone else.... as the Meerkat might put it...

Original poster

housewifedesperate · 27/03/2012 16:20

is it really that patently obvious to everyone else? i consider myself reasonably intelligent so why am i letting him play mind games with me like this? it does make sense what everyone is saying so thank you but scared to move on, the problem is he hasn't actually done anything physically

OP posts:

BalloonSlayer · 27/03/2012 16:22

"Will have to tell you it's to meet up to go for long runs in training for marathons etc."

Why can't he arrange to go running with a bloke he has never met, if he needs a running partner?

If < stretches imagination considerably > my DH started running and was looking on the internet for someone to go running with I would probably tell him I would prefer it to be a bloke and he would be OK with that.

If he was genuinely interested in this woman for nothing more than running he would not be looking at her ebay feedback. Ebay feedback? WTAF? You'd have to be bloody obsessed with someone to want to look at something as dull as that about them.

And he just happened, while "researching" her, to find her on some dating sites, did he? Because people use their full name on dating sites, don't they? Chinny reckon.

Sorry but I'd guess he saw her on the dating site first. Saw she was into running and thought he would contact her through another avenue. Either that or "researching" is the new word for "stalking." Neither is good I'm afraid.

Original poster

housewifedesperate · 27/03/2012 16:22

i'm not sure it will ever escalate to sex tbh which makes it more complicated because what can i accuse him of? he is v clever and can manipulate things well

OP posts:

izzyizin · 27/03/2012 16:24

He hasn't done anything physically that you know of - yet.

This man is making a mockery of your marriage and insulting your intelligence and all the time that you're scared to move on, he's going to continue.

It's a dealbreaker - tell him that either he bins his computer searches or you'll bin him.

Original poster

housewifedesperate · 27/03/2012 16:25

balloon, i think you're right but what the hell is he playing at this for? is it a case of wanting your cake and eating it? i still get attention from other men so know im not an absolute minger! the other woman is only 25 (i'm 37) and pretty, guess what? he's not all that!

OP posts:

Proudnscary · 27/03/2012 16:27

Well you just said it yourself - 'he is v clever and can manipulate well'.

He is looking for sex, honestly. He might not get it but it won't be for want of trying.

I know it's hard to hear. But you did ask the question.

What would happen if you confronted him about this?

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