am i being paranoid about husband?

[housewifedesperate]

Hi, basically just what the subject says, am confused as to whether i'm just being paranoid or whether my husband is out of order with his behaviour.
About 4 years ago he had what i consider an emotional affair where he spent hours (and i mean hours) on the internet chatting to this old friend of his and completely detached himself emotionally from me. He has always denied that he had an affair of this type and claimed she was helping him through a difficult time within our marriage! He blamed me a lot for the problems and for letting myself go and not putting any effort into our relationship, all my fault! this was after i'd had 2 miscarriages in the 2 previous years and probably was a bit of a wreck.
Anyway, fast forward 4 years and we have worked through things and i am basically happy apart from the fact that i am still paranoid about him and the internet. He still spends a lot of time on it but different websites devoted to his new obsession. This time he is messaging young women, one in paticular i have noticed and asking to meet up with them. When i say meet up i mean in the context of this particular website and interest so he has got a legitimate reason for meeting up. However, he has been doing a lot of research on this particular girl, even going as far as looking up her ebay feedback. She is also on a few dating websites that my husband has looked up.
I do feel uncomfortable about all this and have that churning feeling in my stomach that i got before. My question is whether people think i'm being paranoid or whether this is just innocent behaviour that you would put up with,
Many thanks

What did I do?

Put up with it for 5 years, because he wouldnt admit it, and I didnt have 'proof'.

Finally had enough and when i last confronted I did not back down or stiop, like other times.

He didnt admit, I left the bedroom (big step) and saw a solicitor.

We broke the deadlock at Relate, after a month, he admitted it and we have been working on the aftermath since november.

I have quite a few posts and one whole thread on it, if you are interested.

Actually, I see now that I didnt need proof, as everyone pointed out to me on here at the time. I thought he would never admit it and that I needed the justification in order to explain myself to the kids, as he would have made me the bad party. That may have been true, probably was, but I was also fooling myself.

Bluff him, tell him you've arranged a local girl to babysit as you have decided you want to take up running, and seeing as he needs a running partner....... ?

thanks fiventhree ill take a look, youre down the line from me so will be interesting. Madamechinlegs, i do run but not to the extremes he does, i do a 3 mile with him about once a week but thats a short run to him and i can only manage 6 miles at the most! he has the excuse you see that he needs to go on long runs and running with someone helps (especially if said person is female, 25 and v attractive!) not funny i know but you gotta laugh x

new to here, how do i look up people's previous threads? thanks x

"leave him", "he's a twat" "get shot of him"....

I'm always amazed at the certainty of people on here concerning people they've never met and relationships they know next to nothing about. We've no idea what this woman's husband is thinking. Even on the basis of what's written here he's "a good husband and father" according to his wife. My advice would be to talk to your husband and try to find out what the issue is. If there is a problem, consider professional counselling. Breaking up a marriage with children should be the last resort, not something someone recommends after reading a post for two minutes.

thecalmguy, i do agree with you to a certain extent but i really do appreciate everyones point of view and was asking for them by posting on here. thankfully i have enough intelligence to read and consider all posts. your advice is good, i really know i should have it out with him but if confronted i know he would just attack me with 'you shouldnt have been snooping, youre the one with the problem, i havent done anything wrong, just looking at someones profile etc etc!' thanks to everyone, really appreciate it x

OP, click on Advanced Search near the top right. You can search poster by nickname :)

Calmguy - many regulars on this topic, myself included, have been through a few shit relationships and invested time in analysing what went wrong, what we missed, etc. There are also plenty whose own relationships have been good and have analysed what went right, what they picked up on, etc. After reading a lot of Relationships threads, you come to recognise patters of behaviour and to see the clues.

At first I thought people here were too quick to call doom on an OP's relationship. But they weren't - now I know how they got it right!

cheers garlicbutter, got the thread and thanks for your advice, im on here because i know people have been through similar and have some insightful advice, its up to people whether they take it or not i think x

:)

You guys may well be right. But sometimes we don't have all the info and shouldn't be too quick to pronounce judgement. And if the OP's suspicions are confirmed, maybe it's something that can be addressed? Maybe there is something more constructive that can be suggested beyond "chuck him out"?

Thecalmguy - I think you will find that people have given the Op constructive advice.

Sometimes the healthiest thing you could do, is leave.

Really, the only person who should be working on the relationship is the Ops husband because the Op has done nothing wrong.

cheers agnes, i think we should both be working on the relationship because im doing wrong in the sense that im burying my head in the sand and just letting things go. i know this but am too weak to do anything about it and go from being really angry and upset to doubting myself and thinking ive over inflated the situation but you have to trust your gut feeling and that sinking sicky feeling you get doesnt come for no reason. i really dont know whats up with me, i dont display this pathetic facade in all areas of my life and a lot of people would be surprised to find out this situation is going on with me

Thecalmguy usually when someone is treating you like shit, and i mean proper shit - lying, disrespecting, etc - generally the only answer is to kick them out or leave them.

a softer approach frequently ends in more tears. it sets the victim up as a doormat and allows the one who's behaving badly to justify his/her behaviour to themselves. it creates more pain for both parties. it perpetuates stupid behaviour.

it's not about leaving the bastard, it's about how habits of mind and destructive patterns or behaviour are broken for good... you don't break things like that without giving both parties a massive massive shock. again, generally speaking.

i agree with you oik, i think i may have led h to believe he has the right to do these things because ive never really tackled them because im too scared of confronting in case i lose him. it is stupid behaviour isnt it? i do believe he loves me in his own way, he has just asked whether he should ask his mum to have the children this saturday so we can have a night out. why is he risking things over something so stupid? x

housewife it is difficult. he should not do this (his sin is first and by far the greatest), and you should of course be more self-assured. ultimately it's his fault he's chosen to do this, but i can understand you feeling that you've contributed by not tackling him on it.

it is his responsibility though. you mustn't forget that.

let him set up the night out, and then talk to him about what's happening and how you feel. it will be scary, but at the end of the day, if you don't say something, nothing is going to change.

i know you want to keep the family together... but the problem is... when the cheatee doesn't speak up, the cheater tends to just escalate the disrespectful behaviour, almost as if they're daring the cheatee to respond. it could become terribly painful for both you and your children.

say i'm not happy with the situation and risk ruining the relationship he is ruining the relationship and putting himself at risk of losing his family. He is the one who is boosting his ego with run/date/emotional/physical boundary breaking.

You cannot fix him, you cannot save him. Unless he is confronted he will assume that he is "getting away with it" and it will continue in one form or another.

If you confront him and place strong reasonable boundaries it is his choice..keep within those reasonable boundaries and save my marriage and my DCs or run through those boundaries and lose the lot.

By confronting him you are offering him the chance to save and mend your broken relationship. By staying quiet he will carry on, and you will be the casualty along with your daughters.

You deserve to be respected and treated well, you deserve a husband who puts you and your family at the top of the pile, not a spoilt brat who wants to be catered for and feels entitled to do whatever he wants.