am i being paranoid about husband?

[housewifedesperate]

Hi, basically just what the subject says, am confused as to whether i'm just being paranoid or whether my husband is out of order with his behaviour.
About 4 years ago he had what i consider an emotional affair where he spent hours (and i mean hours) on the internet chatting to this old friend of his and completely detached himself emotionally from me. He has always denied that he had an affair of this type and claimed she was helping him through a difficult time within our marriage! He blamed me a lot for the problems and for letting myself go and not putting any effort into our relationship, all my fault! this was after i'd had 2 miscarriages in the 2 previous years and probably was a bit of a wreck.
Anyway, fast forward 4 years and we have worked through things and i am basically happy apart from the fact that i am still paranoid about him and the internet. He still spends a lot of time on it but different websites devoted to his new obsession. This time he is messaging young women, one in paticular i have noticed and asking to meet up with them. When i say meet up i mean in the context of this particular website and interest so he has got a legitimate reason for meeting up. However, he has been doing a lot of research on this particular girl, even going as far as looking up her ebay feedback. She is also on a few dating websites that my husband has looked up.
I do feel uncomfortable about all this and have that churning feeling in my stomach that i got before. My question is whether people think i'm being paranoid or whether this is just innocent behaviour that you would put up with,
Many thanks

why am i letting him play mind games with me

Exactly because he's playing mind games with you.

He's managed to manoeuvre you into a mindset where you think bad things are "not so bad" then, once that's achieved, he can get away with a bit more and you'll let that go past as well. It's a very nasty thing to do to another person, especially one who loves you.

You also seem to think 'better the devil you know' in that you're insisting on all the good things about your marriage while looking straight past the one, huge, factor that invalidates the whole concept of marriage.

Do some straight talking - not with him, with friends and family, maybe a counsellor. Your goggles have been smeared up! Telling other people might help you de-mist them.

xpost, p'n's

Looks like he learnt nothing from his affair 4 years ago - he blamed you for the affair (you are only responsible for 50% of the marriage and certainly not for his decision to have the affair), did not take full responsibility, minimise it by saying it wasn't an affair etc.

Also he did not learn anything about putting up his boundaries as he is repeating his old behaviours of messaging other women.

I would recommend that you read Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends - it will help you understand what is happening and process your thoughts about what you want to do next.

the thing is i'm pathetic i know because i'm scared to confront him and he will just say i shouldnt have been snooping. I have snooped in the past and that was when i found the evidence of the emotional affair (which he still denies he ever had although admits it went further than what is reasonable in a marriage)
i just dont understand why he's doing this? i'm a nice person with a lot going for me. I'm a good wife, mother, friend and i'm really loyal why does he fell he can do this?

thanks choc, i think you understand that i am very confused and not at all sure what to do atm i know its unreasonable behaviour but am so so scared

housewife you've had some great advice from posters on this thread. I get the feeling that you actually knew all of this anyway, just maybe needed someone else to validate your thoughts?

He really does need some kind of ultimatum. Either the 'leave now and don't come back' type, if that is what you feel is best (I think you're certainly justified in doing that), or the short, sharp shock of being told to leave for a few days whilst you decide if you want to continue with the marriage. If you decide to continue in your relationship with him, you and he need to be in no doubt whatsoever that his behaviour is wrong, and he needs to do ALL of the running to try his absolute best to put things right and repair the damage that he has caused.

Even if he doesnt meet them, he is up to no good.

Mine did this with women on the net and never met them, but there was plenty of internet sex, which he denied for years.

He was doing it all right.

And I spent years thinking like you, so always let it go.

Wish I hadnt, I truly do. As do the kids.

men who cheat don't do it because their wife is attractive or not - so don't even think about what this says about you! If women like Sandra Bullock can be cheated on, it obviously doesn't matter how rich/powerful/successful/beautiful you are. Cheating partners don't do it because the partner isn't good enough.

They do it because THEY have a problem, not because of you.

He may only have this all in his mind, and never intend to take it further - but does that make it all right? Would you indulge in this kind of behaviour with another man? Even if he is 'only' thinking about what it would be like, how do you feel about it?

You have every right to 'snoop' in the interests of trying to find out what is going on in your relationship, don't let him tell you otherwise. If he was trustworthy, you wouldn't need, or want, to check up on him.

And how much time is he spending running/on the internet? Are you being left out & lonely because of this?IF so, he isn't being much of a husband to you, is he?

You're not pathetic.
This is not your fault.
Your husband wants his cake, eat it and then rub your face in it.

It doesn't matter about paranoia, right/wrong or thye price of bread. If your husband is doing things that make you unhappy he needs to stop. The sort of thing he's doing can cripple your self esteem...

Personally I think I would give him an ultimatum, internet or marriage.

Please remember the affair is down to him and his issues and not because of you, you haven't done anything wrong.

Not Just Friends will help you realise that most affairs are about sliding across boundaries, ego boosting and addiction to the attentions from OW. So don't get wound up thinking what is wrong with you - its more about what is wrong with him.

I understand how scary it must be and that is why thinking space is important and so is talking to people in real life for support. I would also recommend contacting CAB and solicitors (using free half hour) to find out where you stand financially - that will help you feel stronger.

everyone has been so helpful and supportive so thank you. No, i would never do this to him because i think it is wrong and disrespectful but i think it doesnt feel this way. fiventhree, just interested, did you get rid of yours and what finally boke the camel's back? just wondering what will do it for me because i can't really go on like this. I have 2 daughters and would hate them to think it is ok for a man to treat them this way but part of me still tells myself that he isnt doing anything wrong! confused? i certainly am!

choc, i think you are right, this is about him. He does the running to boost his ego because he is good at it. i have now taken up running but am not v good at so do with him occaisionally but not often. i think he does do it to boost his ego but it's doing the opposite to mine. choc, do i confront him?

i meant getting the attention from other women is boosting his ego, i suppose the running is but i haven't got a problem with that apart from what someone else said about the amount of time he spends on it which is a lot! he seems to need an obsession which is fine apart from when it crosses the boundaries of unacceptable

Molly Dobbs and Kevin Webster.

Nuff said.

If this were an equal relationship, you would be able to sit down and have a discussion about how it makes you feel (the running, not the ow, there's not much to discuss there) and how you as a couple could work through this.

Nothing wrong with him having a hobby. Lots wrong with it being a power trip that makes you feel crap

no you are not paranoid. he's got your number hasn't he, 'i can do what i want, it's your fault you don't like it'

jeeeeeeeez.

its wrong full stop. wrong. how dare he.

You've said that he is spending a lot of time on the running, and a lot of time on the internet too. Is he spending equal more time with you/your children too? Or are you coming a poor second and third place behind his latest obsession?

i suppose he spends ok time with us. he just came home, put his bike away, got changed and now he's running to running club! will see him in about 2 hours! yes, he is quite selfish with his time. i do work 3 days but do all the house work, cooking, gardening, he doesnt really do anything and i think i do indulge him. i think because he was an only child he is used to getting his own way and doing things his way and i am basically to blame because i let him get away with it. he does work full time but works it flexibly so never quite sure whats hes up to. i always feel i have to let him do stuff to keep him happy and i'm not that unhappy about doing everything, he will help if i ask i suppose but i don't think i should put up with this odd stalking behaviour. when he came home i think he knew something was up because he asked me if i was slright and i looked guilty, ha!!

You are NOT pathetic. You are, as you say, a loyal wife and mother. It's not your fault.

What are you going to do next?

good question proud and scary, i suppose the right answer would be, confront him and say i'm not happy with the situation and risk ruining the relationship or probably what i will end up doing, keep up the snooping and monitoring the situation, he will probably not go so far as to actually do anything, we'll see. What would others do? xx

For the sake of my self-esteem, I couldn't and wouldn't tolerate the situation you are in.

I would tell him that you would like him home by x time for a talk (unless you need another day to prepare yourself?) and expect that he would be there and listen. As you say, he seems to suspect you are not happy about something, so he shouldn't be surprised. Then you need to see what he has to say for himself and take it from there.

In your particular instance, I might ask him firstly to stop running/using the internet so much as you would love him to spend more time with you and your dc.

See what his response is. It will be telling I'd reckon.

I wouldn't confront him about the girl. I'd probably keep snooping.

I'm really sorry you are having to deal with this shit by the way, it's horrible.

thanks proud, youve given me some really good advice, i dont know whether im that bothered about the time he spends on the internet just the things he does on it. just bothered that he seems to be spending an awful lot of time and effort trying to find other women to "run" with, not sure why he thinks he needs to but like someone said if the man who was with sandra bullock feels the need for someone else then anyone can! if that makes sense. think i'll keep monitoring and see where it goes