What if it works out dh and I have no children? I'm worried about a few things

[Pinkflipflop]

Dh and I have been married for 10 years, we got together when I was 18 and he was 20. We didn't want kids in kids in our early twenties but I guess we kind of assumed it would happen eventually when we were a bit older.

Various things happened since we got married including both of us changing jobs and me retraining and getting a job that was better paid with more security.

It's really now or never that we try for a baby but to be honest I'm worried that we have had such a long time of just us that it's not really and desperately what we want. I love my dh deeply and we enjoy each others company so much, we are incredibly happy just spending time with the two of us.

I'm worried that if we don't have a baby we may regret it yet I have no deep longing to actually have a baby
iykwim?

I dread the thought of being lonely when I'm older but there is no way I would have a child to keep me company nor would dh.

I don't know any other couple who have been married as long as we have and have no children; please be honest do you think my dh and I sound odd?

I guess I'm just worried that I'm very set in my ways and I don't know for sure that I want a child. I hope you don't mind me posting here but mumsnet is a wealth of perspective for me on many issues.

Feeling a little

Don't make a baby if your heart isn't in it. There's nothing wrong with child-free. Getting a dog or a series of dogs would be fine instead.

Yes your life would change hugely. But imho the only people who really struggle with new parenthood due to age are the over 40s. They are the most likely to be too set in their ways to adapt well.

My mum and dad were together for nearly 20 years before they had me. I was adopted, and they were 36 when I came along. There are also plenty of people your age who dont have children yet, and plenty who dont intend to as well.

I have stepchildren myself, but they are all adults now, and I dont have any biological children of my own, sadly it wasnt to be, and yes, there are times when I wonder what it will be like when I am old, but there is never a guarantee that even if you have children, they would be there when you are getting on. I am now resigned to the fact that me and DH will not have kids of our own, but it also means we have a very free life, with no ties and few responsibilities. We can go on holiday when we like.. go out for the night on a whim without needing a babysitter, and have a lot more freedom and less financial pressure than most of our friends who do have young families.

Hi, I think you have to think long & hard about this. A child would definitely change your life completely....for the better? Yes if it's what you want and both desire a child, but not if you don't.
Children are hard work....and I understand your point about regretting not having a child, but what if you regretted HAVING a child?
My children are 15 & 9, and I am just getting my life back, I would never go back to babydom.
I always said, I wished I was one of those people who didn't want kids! Not sure that makes sense, I adore my children, but it definitely changes your life & who you are.

Have 2 dogs and they are our babies at the moment! It's quite sad really as we do treat and care for them like humans!

As I said its just that I don't know any other couples who don't have children- I beat myself up a little like there must be something wrong with me for not desperately wanting them.

2 of my best most happy friends are married (to each other) (for 30 years since their early 20's) and have no children...they are supremely happy, content, busy people who have a lot to offer the world...and who are so kind to each other and other people. Children are not everything and maybe aren't the best things in life for everyone! make the choices that feel right for you and don't be pressurised into doing what is the "norm" or what is expected.

Glad you are good for each other

TBH I wouldn't have children if you don't really want to. The main reason I don't regret having a child is that I longed so much for it, I thought about it every day for about six years . He is wonderful but what parenthood has done to my life is not pretty [shrug], and I do feel constantly guilty that we haven't had another. I haven't become less selfish, more satisfied or even more grown-up as a mother, I don't think, although that's hard to tell because time has passed anyway. I agree with what MairyHinge - in some ways I wish that I hadn't wanted children at all.

There's nothing wrong with you for not desperately wanting them. It's not for everybody. But it's good that you're mulling it over. What does your DH think? Is he happy it being the two of you? Have his thoughts changed etc?

You know, even if you come away fom this having made the descision not to have children, that's fine!

Why do you think it's now or never, it sounds like you're both pretty young, early thirties?

I don't think everyone has to have kids, it was always the right thing for me because I really adore kids and to be honest I need to be needed , but I do realise it's not for everyone.
You sound like you and your DH are really happy together and have a wonderful marriage, why is this making you unhappy? Are you getting pressure from relatives or anything?

Another vote for don't do it if you don't want to. You might regret not having children, no one can say for sure you won't, but as another poster said, what if you regret having them? That would becoming the most trapping, painful, unfair and irreversible situation for all of you.

I love my children but When I think of where my life would be if I didn't have them I am sure I could have been very happy and fulfilled.

The huge sacrafice of having children has to be worth it for you or it will drive you insane!

You don't sound odd to me.

My late mother gave me this advice: don't have a baby unless you're desperate for one. She had been a nursery nurse and had four babies of her own, and I think she meant that kids are a joy but such hard work that you're best not to go there if your heart's not in it!

Since my DS was born (in my 30s), I think I agree. Currently not sure whether to try for another or not.

Yes we are early thirties- thinking now or never because of all you read about the 35 cut off. It's making me a little unhappy as I look at my husband and think he would make a gorgeous father and if I'm really honest I feel the reason we haven't had children yet is mostly due to me. Dh wants what I want, if I said lets have a baby he would do it (I think) and if I don't that's fine too. I'm a little unsure about how things will pan out.

Pinkflipflop, I believe your only concern is the fact that you don't know other couples with no kids... there are many of us around! Having children is not "what you do", it's a choice, and one that should be taken with extreme care. In my case, for example, I always knew I did not want children, and I am one of the happiest persons I know... I have a lovely fiancé whom I am marrying next year (he is fine with no kids too), I worked in my dream job for 12 years, I am now retraining just because I love studying different things, we travel, we have lots of hobbies, I volunteer with different organizations, and in the future I plan to volunteer in developing countries... I am not bored for a minute!

And the thing is, I love children! I am the "auntie" who tickles them, rolls on the floor with them, spoils them... but in the end I love giving them back and come back to my nice, quiet house and read a book. I love to hold babies and make faces at them too, but give them back when they cry or when their nappy needs changing :P.

Oh, and we do have a dog, but we don't treat her as a human... she is a dog. If we wanted a little human, we would have one.

Life is what you make of it, and the most important thing is not to choose this or that, but to have the freedom to make that choice. People who regret not having kids are usually the ones who wanted them and could not have them. Very few people who actively choose not to have kids regret it. I am not afraid of being lonely when I am old... why should I? I have time to make friends and spend time with them, I have a partner, I have a family - a sister, cousins, aunties... I have never been lonely and there's no reason why I should be when I am old. The loneliest people in the rest home are actually the ones who have loads of kids, but none of them come to see them.

So my advice is, follow your heart. if you want to have children, have them! If you don't, then don't. But don't do something for fear of regretting it later. You only regret the decisions you did not take. If you choose not to have children, that is a decision you DID take.

Good luck whatever you do!

Oh by the way, my DP is like yours: he would have children if I wanted them, or would be happy not having them. I had this big talk with him from the beginning, and I was very clear that a life with me meant a life with no children of our own. He was fine with it. He would also have been a fantastic father... but hey, I may have been a wonderful brain surgeon, who knows... and who cares! Everyone is what they are, not what they "could have been".

Some very thought provoking posts- I really appreciate them. Thank you

Pinkflipflop can I say that aweful phrase "You have plenty of time yet".
I think you really need to sit down with your DH and have a serious discussion. You say you DH "wants what you want" does he ? Is he just saying that ?
Look to the future do you see yourself having the life you have now for the forseable future ? If you do and are happy with that then that is your decision.

I met my DH at 35 with one failed marriage (no kids) behind me. I always thought I didn't want them, I loved my life, 3-4 holidays a year, new car every 3, lovely house. DH always wanted one, so we sat down and had the chat, he said he wanted them but loved me and it wouldn't change. So we talked and talked and I came to the conclusion I would like to give it a go. Gave birth to DD at 39 (was still crapping myself about not being a good mum or bonding up until they put her in my arms)

I love her to bits but my life has changed completely. Somedays I find it really hard though. Others I just look at her and am amazed that I produced something so precious.

I suppose what I am trying to say, is talk to your DH and be totally honest with each other, you have time to choose. There is no right or wrong and I can totally understand you not wanting children, it doesn't make you odd or strange, it is just a lifestyle choice.

My DH and I were together longer than you before we had our 2 DSs (16 years). I didn't feel that strong longing, but when I thought what I would prefer on balance, having childen or not having children, I decided that I wanted to have children more.

They are now 5 and 2 1/2, and I don't regret it. I miss pre children things, I miss my freedoms, but never enough to wish that I didn't have children. I did feel that ovewhelming love (and fear) when I first held DS1 in my arms.

My DH's and my relationship changed, my DH found it hard at first, but the first time he had to travel he realised just how much he loved and missed DS1.

PInk, I used to think I wasn't fussed about having a baby until I was told I never could (an unrelated problem led to tests which revealed it)

how do you think you might if you were told it would definitely never happen ? Think about that very carefully, and see where it leads you

Was with DH 12 years before we had our first child, followed 4 years later by a second.

*might feel

When I think of not having children I don't feel a particular sense of sadness. I am going to sound very selfish here but I've just recently got to a point in my life where financially I am doing not too bad and then if I had a child we would go back to square one as the costs of child are are huge. I'm probably very wrong but I compare myself with those around me and the perfect family set ups I see on Facebook every day and I guess I don't just fit that mould.

I'm really interested in reading what you are all saying about this.

AnyFucker has a crucial point there. I was so sure of my decision that I got sterilised last year and haven't regretted it once. How would you feel about sterilisation? How would you feel if your DH was sterile?

Human nature makes us ambivalent about the choices we think we still have

Take that choice away, whole different story

I feel similar to you. I am in my 20s and want a baby but just don't know ho wwe would ever be able to afford one or fit one in to our lives iyswim. Every weekend I feel how much better it would be if DP and I had children, but during hte workign week I am just in the rhythm of going to work, working, coming back and slumping in fromt of tv and going to bed.
DP and I are v happy and it is scary to think how much a child would change our dynamic. But I do feel young enough to not owrry too much. YOu might feel different in a year or two . You have a good 10 child bearing years left.

I would definitely talk with your DH about this, but there is nothing wrong with choosing not to have children - I know several long-term married couples who have chosen not to (my DSis among them) and it's just what's right for them. You don't sound selfish at all - but I do think AnyFucker's advice is very sound - think about how you would feel if you couldn't have children before deciding anything permanent.