What if it works out dh and I have no children? I'm worried about a few things

[Pinkflipflop]

Dh and I have been married for 10 years, we got together when I was 18 and he was 20. We didn't want kids in kids in our early twenties but I guess we kind of assumed it would happen eventually when we were a bit older.

Various things happened since we got married including both of us changing jobs and me retraining and getting a job that was better paid with more security.

It's really now or never that we try for a baby but to be honest I'm worried that we have had such a long time of just us that it's not really and desperately what we want. I love my dh deeply and we enjoy each others company so much, we are incredibly happy just spending time with the two of us.

I'm worried that if we don't have a baby we may regret it yet I have no deep longing to actually have a baby
iykwim?

I dread the thought of being lonely when I'm older but there is no way I would have a child to keep me company nor would dh.

I don't know any other couple who have been married as long as we have and have no children; please be honest do you think my dh and I sound odd?

I guess I'm just worried that I'm very set in my ways and I don't know for sure that I want a child. I hope you don't mind me posting here but mumsnet is a wealth of perspective for me on many issues.

Feeling a little

Anyfucker, I hope you weren't crying at my typos.

DH and I had been together 12 years when we had DS last year. It is a massive, massive change, but we haven't had a problem adjusting to it. In our case the delay was due to fertility problems, so it is a different situation, but I just wanted to say that it is possible to be together a long time and then adapt your life to fit with a child.

Me and DH don't want kids, we're together 7 years I think. I am quite young, 28, and am waiting for the "urge" to kick in, and worrying there's soething wrong with me as all my friends are certain they want kids and I still feel like I don't. (But open to my hormones!) Did I see something about the long term pill affecting your feelings about it? Been on the pill since I was 14 for skin issues.

I read this thread with interest last night but didn't comment, as I come at this from a different perspective - I always knew I wanted children, and am about to have my first, but the discussion has been so interesting I can't resist jumping in...

I had a long-term relationship with someone who was very ambivalent about having children - he never said outright he didn't want them, but it was fairly obvious he wasn't keen (I could see the panic in his face the first time we went to a friend's house party where instead of being the usual drunken raucous atmosphere, there were people arriving with carry cots and babies in car seats!)

We eventually broke up, painfully, with a period of about 6 months where we kept reconciling and splitting again because he'd say 'I've changed my mind, I do want to have kids with you, let's try again', or I'd say 'Let's stay together, delay the decision about kids for 5 years and if we find we can't conceive let's adopt'.

The one constant through all of this, though, was that if I couldn't have children naturally, or with him, I was going to have a child one way or the other. If I'd ended up single, I would have tried to adopt by myself.

If I had been rejected for adoption as a single parent, I honestly don't know what I would have done. I could never see my future without a child in it. I suppose I would have had to face it somehow, as others have done, but I just can't picture how I would do it.

As it turns out, I met my now DH and became pregnant aged 34 - so if you are in your early 30's, there IS still time, but definitely now is the right time to be talking and thinking about it, so you get everything clear in your mind before you do make a decision. Good luck!

I am in a similar situation - not particularly interested in other people's children, and definitely no broody feelings or 'longing' for a child. But DP would like to have one, and I do have the worry about regretting it if I don't. It might not mean a huge disruption to our 'lifestyle' as that is mostly arranged around the needs and activities of two dogs anyway :)

Strangely since having the dogs I've been surprised by how much more of a family we feel with them, how wonderful it is to have someone to 'mother' and care for, some responsibility other than my own needs and wishes, someone who loves me unconditionally and sees me as the centre of his world, how our mutual love for them brings us closer together. I know a child is not the same as a dog, but there are some parallels! I think I'd probably like being a 'mum' and having a 'proper' family life.

Definitely no 'deep longing' for a baby of my own though, or to be pregnant, and definitely not to experience childbirth. I wouldn't choose to go down the adoption route as I know it is a difficult process, but certainly don't feel any great need for a child of my 'own' biologically.

This is all very interesting, thank you all for posting :)

Pinkflipflop and youwhalefish sound just like me! I am 26, been with DH 5.5 years but married 6 months. I have never felt broody (except for cats...) but cried at the first 2 series of One Born Every Minute. I find childbirth an utter miracle and kind of want to experience it and pregnancy for myself.....but i'm not broody for babies/children. My sister says she was the same until she got closer to 30 so i'm waiting for that to kick in I guess. Otherwise, DH and I have said we're happy without children (and with nice holidays!).

I would just like to add, in response to some comments, that not all child-free couples live a life of drinking and parties all night long. My DP and I have never liked that lifestyle, for example. We are more of an outdoorsy type, we love travelling, hiking, camping... I have never been drunk in my whole life, believe it or not, and I hate loud music.

So please don't get hung on stereotypes. Having no children does not mean you spend your life partying. And having children does not mean you suddenly stop drinking and partying if that's what you like doing. You don't need to have children in order to "mature"... I know plenty of immature parents, and plenty of mature non-parents.

Every person is different, children or not.

Yeah I was never ever broody either. In fact when a friend of mine handed me her 3 week old baby last week, I couldn't give it back quick enough! . Thankfully older kids are much more fun. I know I have never had any interest in babies even my own.

I don't think that you having been together forever is a big deal, a girl in my NCT who has gone for it was in your exact same position and she seems to be doing fine!

I think you are just going through that funny 'choice' thing that so many women who are unsure hit in their thirties. Also, you've had stability for such a long time the idea of a massive change like having a baby must be quite strange.

I'd had loads of ups and downs in my love life before me and Mr Right had the kiddo, and to be honest, it was fairly easy to thing oh well, things change for me all the time anyway, let's give it a crack...Luckily we rather like our little boy!

It is a funny one, when you are trying to judge future emotions and there is no right answer. However you sound like a sorted person and I have no doubt that your life will feel perfectly good and valid whichever path you take.

I think the most important thing either way is to put things in place so that you have respect for your decision to have or not have one, looking back. Perhaps you both need to see a counsellor for a few sessions to talk it through - anything that helps you feel as though you've made the best choice you can for you.

Aghast at some of the posts here...having children because you're bored is one of the worst possible reasons I could think of. Fancy bringing what's essentially an unwanted child into the world just so you have something to "do"...

Basically, if you ever both feel "I want to be looking after our baby in a year's time", try to conceive. If you never feel that, DON'T.

People like to pretend it's only terrible women who regret motherhood, but it's common. Just rather taboo. If you're happy, stay happy. Don't follow the "life script" just because you're "supposed to" have kids.

I also don't feel any of the "I didn't want kids but my husband changed my mind and then I was broody" stories are remotely relevant. You changed into WANTING kids. You didn't decide to have them in a state of total ambivalence.