What if it works out dh and I have no children? I'm worried about a few things

[Pinkflipflop]

Dh and I have been married for 10 years, we got together when I was 18 and he was 20. We didn't want kids in kids in our early twenties but I guess we kind of assumed it would happen eventually when we were a bit older.

Various things happened since we got married including both of us changing jobs and me retraining and getting a job that was better paid with more security.

It's really now or never that we try for a baby but to be honest I'm worried that we have had such a long time of just us that it's not really and desperately what we want. I love my dh deeply and we enjoy each others company so much, we are incredibly happy just spending time with the two of us.

I'm worried that if we don't have a baby we may regret it yet I have no deep longing to actually have a baby
iykwim?

I dread the thought of being lonely when I'm older but there is no way I would have a child to keep me company nor would dh.

I don't know any other couple who have been married as long as we have and have no children; please be honest do you think my dh and I sound odd?

I guess I'm just worried that I'm very set in my ways and I don't know for sure that I want a child. I hope you don't mind me posting here but mumsnet is a wealth of perspective for me on many issues.

Feeling a little

It's a difficult one for me, since I always knew I wanted children at some point (had my first at 31).

I don't think there's anything wrong with not wanting children, people can definitely lead deeply fulfilling lives without children. But it worries me that there is ambivalence about whether you want dc - that you might just live to regret it when it's too late.

I don't know if this will come across right - but the thing about not having children is that you don't know what you're missing. Yes, they are an upheaval to life and career, and you will make sacrifices for them. But, and this is a big but, parents generally make sacrifices for their children because they want to - because they love them so much. It's hard to describe the love you feel for your child.

Maybe not everyone here would agree with me, but the love I felt for all my children when I gave birth to them, was like that amazing 'falling in love' feeling you get, only more intense, and more wonderful.

Disclaimer - I have had a glass of wine tonight (even though it's only Monday ) so that all probably sound horribly gushy. Apologies.

My partner and I have been together for twenty years, and are right at the end of our thirties, with our first baby due any minute now. We'd never planned to have any - I felt strongly about not having any, in fact, after a rather miserable childhood that involved a lot of joyless childcare of younger siblings, and a childminder mother - but talked about it off and on and decided it might be something we wanted. We thought we might have left it too late to to conceive but in fact it happened immediately.

We have had a lovely, fulfilling life together, with absolutely no sense of lack from not having a child. There was certainly no mad compulsion to have a baby. I feel sure that nice life would have continued had we not decided to do this, and that now things will be fulfilling and interesting and difficult in different ways.

OP, I do think you have time enough to give it some thought. Lots of happy longterm couples don't have children - I think the happiest couple I know are childless - but, I think that if you decide you do want to, there is a sense in which having a longterm, stable, happy relationship behind you is the best preparation for parenthood.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Some goog posts here, I can only add my perspective. I met my husband at 22, married him at 27. We spent our twenties and early thirties having a complete blast, living in London, parties, clubbing, loads of friends, a real social whirl. We thought about having kids, three of them, one day in the distant future. Then when I was 31 my husband's sister drowned. She was only 21. Well I don't know if it made us think of our mortality or what but we came home from the funeral and decided to make a baby . I got pregnant the very minute I went off the pill and 9 months later had a son,oddly enough on my late sister in law's birthday. I had terrible PND, the shock of my life changing completely, and I do mean completely was all too much. Suddenly living in a little London flat was no fun any more, noy with a pram and all those stairs. So we moved to Ireland, where we have been ever since. My son is ten now and the light of my life! I honestly couldn't be without him. But if I had known in advance how difficult it would be, I would never had the courage to do it. But I am so glad I did! My life is so much richer now, and we are such a tight little family, its lovely. I dont think all the social whirl stuff would be half as much fun now ten years on!

So, in short, my son is an only child, I wasnt brave enough to go for three as I was too scared of getting PND again, and I dont really like babies anyway. Having him was both the best and worst thing that happened to me, and I wouldnt change him for the world.

deary me, glasto, your post just made me cry

Re: wondering what you might have missed out on.
I don't think that alone is a good enough reason to have kids. What have I missed out on by not studying astronomy, never cycling to China & never climbing Mt. Everest? I bet those can be terrific experiences and am pretty sure I'll never know what I missed. Ideally children should be badly wanted. It's only fair to them.

If want you want out of life is a comfortable existence where you only really have to please yourself and another decent adult who loves you, then don't have children. I think there's research showing that childless (by choice) couples over all are happier overall because they often have such a good quality of life: two incomes and lots of leisure time

If you want to be challenged and to risk experiencing having more highs and lows then have a child. It's hard. But in my experience it opens to door to regular doses of supreme bliss (as well as frustration, fear, exhaustion).

I have three children. My youngest child has autism. I experience a sense of powerful joy and satisfaction every day looking at them. When I put my youngest to bed, we cuddle up to read a book and I kiss his little curly head, I am very conscious of a sensation of 'this is the most beautiful feeling that life has to offer'. I feel that every time I hold him.

Doesn't stop me crying with stress sometimes. But it's a price worth paying in my opinion!

Have to say, I've often thought that having just one child would have been a good option for me. All the bliss. Only a third of the work! All the one child families I know have very good lifestyles and lovely close relationships.

Excuse dreadful grammar and repetitions.

Hi Pinkflipflop

I could've written your post a while back!!.. My DH and I have been together around 8 years, he has 2 dc - I felt guilty for not wanting my own children, I love my step children to bits but never had this maternal yearning..I found it quite confusing to be honest as I thought as a woman I 'should ' feel something..anyway I put myself under a lot of pressure I guss, I felt guilty for not wanting a baby even though I love kids, I'm very practical so the actual practicalities I found to be a negative against having children aswell.. My DH sounds very like yours as in if I said I wanted to have a baby he would've been totally for it but totally supportive when didn't think I wanted one..
Anyway fast forward to now - we've been ttc since July last year - no luck as yet and I think the reason I changed my mind is because I relaxed about the whole thing, stopped putting pressure on myself and we realised if I do have a baby we can manage financially.. So I really just wanted to say I understand where your coming from, don't put too much pressure on yourself - as others have said having children isn't for everyone and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that -sorry for waffling on! x

Someone I know always said she did not want children, until she accidentally got pregnant and miscarried. After this happened it was all change and she now has two children.

Having children is very hard though and it is not something to go into without fully wanting to. Since I had children, all of my closest friends have moved to live in different countries and I miss them terribly and and it is tough going to visit them since it is expensive and I have the children to care for. What I am trying to say is that being a parent can be amazing but also incredibly tough too and things still carry on around you. T
My two closest friends do not have children and they are not sure they will, it is a little like taking a look at what my life may have been like if I did not have children, and although I love them to bits, sometimes I wonder what I might have done if I had not had any.

I think it is possible to go into being a parent whilst also knowing that if it didn't happen, you would also be perfectly happy with a childless life. That doesn't necessarily mean that you don't want children that much, just that you are aware that each kind of life can be equally good.

By the same token, once you have children, looking back and missing aspects of your childless life does not mean you regret having children. I frequently think how nice it would be do to all the things DH and I could do before we had the DC. But I don't regret deciding to become a mum, not for one second.

Hi Pinkflipflop. Mr Rinky and I have just celebrated our 39th birthdays and our 20 year anniversary. We don't have children. We're very happy. We enjoy spending time with our friends kids (needing advice in a babysitting crisis brought me to Mumsnet) but are very content with our decision not to have any of our own.

I say decision. When I was about 30 and still thinking that at some point I'd maybe get broody in the future when I was a proper grown up, I had some health issues and in the course of these being investigated found out that I was likely to have problems conceiving. It made us think about whether we really wanted to have children, and the likelihood of needing treatment made us talk about how far we'd be prepared to go to get pregnant. I was a bit worried that always having been fairly ambivalent about having kids, that being told I might not be able to would suddenly make it the most desirable and important thing in the world. It didn't. We decided we'd rather just carry on being happy together just the two of us.

I don't know whether I subconsciously seek them out, but I know lots of couples of all ages who don't have children but are content and happy with their lives. It must be hard for you to imagine if you don't have any examples of how living without kids can be normal or rewarding in your own circle, but I promise you it can be. As of course can life with children, and you'll find lots of women here to tell you about that (as well as the work and the expense and the stress).

I wish you happiness with whatever you decide (and you do have time to mull it over some more).

I haven't got children. I wanted to, and assumed I would, but as it turned out things went wrong and I'm 'childfree'. I never had a screaming urge for children. I know some, or even most people do but I didn't. I love kids, I used to be a nanny, I adored my nieces and nephews when they were growing up but I never felt like my world was shattering when I looked inside a pram! I just thought what a lovely baby usually.

What I miss: The fact that I don't share this experience with the vast majority of women. I have, honestly, missed out on a big chunk of "what it means to be a woman."

However, I am a woman! And I have other experiences that child-rearing women didn't. For example: I've travelled widely, often at short notice with no luggage and had a very full-on career; I've fulfilled some of my big ambitions like having a book published; I've been able to spend money without thinking about it and to live as I choose, without the constraints of baby care, school, after-school clubs, sick children and school holidays. I've had loads of hobbies and interests, being free to pursue them. Childrens' needs have never dictated my diet, how much I drink or what I can wear. My DNs think I'm ace, by the way, so have evidently done something right there!

It's a somewhat more selfish life, and very good for that imo. A couple I know well decided not to have children, choosing instead to travel a lot. They have about 5 holidays a year and are taking a career break, next year, for a world tour (no backpacks!) They've been married since 1981 and, of course, always have plenty of shared interests & experiences.

When you choose to have children, you give up a lot. Yes, you gain a lot, too, but it is a complete life change and a fairly sacrificial one. If you're honestly not that bothered, I'd say keep on contracepting. If you change your minds later on, adopt.

:)

I wonder what on earth I'll do for the rest of my life if we don't have children. I'm not a "live to work" person, my job is quite demanding and the pay is ok, but I've probably achieved about as much as I will achieve. So I don't see my life being all about my career. And I don't earn enough or have enough annual leave to make it all about travel. Will I just go to work, come home, watch TV, do the ironing, feed the cat, go to bed every day for fifty years?

having one just in case you regret not having one, is a hell of a risk.

if youre not sure, then dont do it

Thank you so much for all the thought provoking posts, it means a lot to read them. I think lots of soul searching is needed about the child issue but it's nice to know that outside of the fairly rural community where I live my dh and I aren't seen as odd"

OP there used to be a long running thread in the Conception topic called Ditherers Anonymous, which you will find if you do a search for "ditherers".

"But imho the only people who really struggle with new parenthood due to age are the over 40s. They are the most likely to be too set in their ways to adapt well."

That is so true. I had DD at 41 and the change in lifestyle was so hard for me. I didn't know anyone else with children and was so isolated.

"If want you want out of life is a comfortable existence where you only really have to please yourself and another decent adult who loves you, then don't have children. I think there's research showing that childless (by choice) couples over all are happier overall because they often have such a good quality of life: two incomes and lots of leisure time"

I think that is true as well. The happiest couples I know have been married for ages and don't have children. In fact, I don't know any childless couples who have split up.

"If you want to be challenged and to risk experiencing having more highs and lows then have a child. It's hard. But in my experience it opens to door to regular doses of supreme bliss (as well as frustration, fear, exhaustion)."

I agree with that as well.

We had two cats before I got pregnant and I loved them to bits. It is a bit of a cliche, but having them to love meant that it didn't matter one jot that I couldn't get pregnant.

Pinkflipflop, you don?t have to give birth to be parents though. There are other options for being a positive part of children?s lives; adopting, fostering, mentoring, becoming a teacher, etc. Plus there are no guarantees that if you did have children that they?d prevent you being lonely in your old age. IMO you should be 100% committed to parenthood before becoming pregnant, and if you?re not, perhaps you are just happier without them. A lot of women aren?t broody, so do what you want you?re your life.

I always rather liked the old saying:

"Couples with children and couples without children feel sorry for each other"

I have only read your OP, it sounds like you have a lovely relationship and having children is not something you really look forward to.
Plenty of people choose not to have children and don't regret it.
Having a child WILL change your relationship, lifestyle, prospects. Some children are easy to parent, some are frankly a nightmare. If you go ahead you need to be prepared for either.
In your shoes, I wouldn't do it.

Hmm, I'm going to come at this from possibly the opposite pov, although I was possibly ambivalent towards children, to be honest.

I never had any broody feelings at all. We decided to have children because we had a vague idea that it might be nice, in the future, to have had some.

Dh and I met when I was 24, he was 34. MArried two years later. I decided that we'd start trying at 29, whether I felt ready or not. I didn't feel ready, but didn't think I ever would. once I was pregnant, I was excited etc, etc. I was equally dispassionate when conceiving dc2.

I do have a friend, who's been married the same length of time, who was initially keen on trying the same time as me for her first dc. She didn't. Then she said she'd start when I did dc2. SHe didn'. SHe constantly asks me whether I think she'd be happy if she had kids. I tell her probably not, as they're fucking hard work, but I can't imagine my life without them.

Mt tip would be, that when you go on holiday and feel like there's something missing, and when night outs are a bit, meh; then you're probably ready for kids.

But if not, don't spend the next 5 years asking your mates to make your decision!

I would say that having my daughter has changed my life drastically. Is it better? No, just different.

Hi, I'm not sure I can exactly help but I'm 21 and I ever wanted children. I've always said that I've never wanted children. But I got pregnant (I was on the pill) and I don't believe in abortion so kept the baby. She is now 6 months old and I'm not saying for 1 second that I regret having her but having a baby ruined my life if I'm honest. I love her to bits and I wouldnt change my life now but it is hard work. You have no idea what it's like until you have a baby yourself. You dont come first any more and you can't just do what you want. So to be honest if your heart isn't really in it, I just wouldn't do it. You must be about 28. Loads of people have babies older than you! You have plenty of time. Can't you and your DH decide to leave it for say 6month/a year then talk about it again to see if your feelings have changed?
also I don't think it's odd that you have been together so longwithout children. I wish me and DP had longer without DD. Good luck making your decision.

I'll tell you our story... We met at 18, engaged at 28, married at 31. I wanted a baby, DH wasn't sure. His main reservation was that he didn't think he'd be a good Dad and also we both have excellent worked hard for careers (14 years at university between us) with good salaries, but he still thought we wouldn't be able to afford it. The reason I wanted a baby is because I couldn't imagine going through life and not experiencing being a mother. I knew I would end up regretting it if we decided not to. I feel life is about experiences and I honestly felt to not experience pregnancy or motherhood (through choice) would end up being a mistake.
I convinced DH (not bullied, just talked him around to the idea). DS born when we were 33.

We have not looked back, we adore our DS... He is everything to us, we have become a family and a very happy one at that.

Only you and your DH can decide, you really have to imagine what your life will be like with a child or be like if you never have a child. Which scenario appeals to you the most? Only you can decide.