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Original poster

Should i involve his parents!

92 replies

Helenemjay · 03/02/2006 14:26

Having problems with dp, since we got together 6.5 years ago he has physically attacked me a few times, i recently caught him 'chatting' many (at least 10) women over his messenger and he admitted he has been 'friendly' with them for about 6 months! he is consistently rude and disrespectful to me, and there are other tings too that i probably shouldnt mention but which i dislike greatly, the question is, his mum and dad are lovely, his mum is very shy and suffers alot with depression, but his dad is a very lovely kind hearted down to earth person and i cant help but feel like if i sat and had a chat with them about dp's behavior i may be able to help our relationship, he is 28 and i know he has alot of respect for his mum and dad, and he would listen to them, i dont doubt his mum and dad think he is a very good boy and he would NEVER do anything bad, his mum has said before 'he's a good boy!' should i talk to them or is it a bad idea?? im in such a pickle!

OP posts:
LadySherlockofLGJ · 03/02/2006 14:29

No talking

Start walking

It is your relationship and your job to sort it out.

WideWebWitch · 03/02/2006 14:31

I'd leave. women's aid

NotActuallyAMum · 03/02/2006 14:33

I wouldn't involve his parents - I very much doubt if he'd listen to them even if they were prepared to get involved, and they may not believe you when you say he's physically attacked you

ponygirl · 03/02/2006 14:33

I agree with Lady S, don't involve them. It wouldn't be fair: it would be put them in a dreadful situation at best, and at worst, it could backfire on you. And I expect your dp wouldn't be exactly thrilled either. From the sounds of things, I wouldn't say there was a lot to talk about anyhow: he hits you, doesn't respect and is probably cheating on you repeatedly. exactly what is there to keep you in this relationship? And if the answer to that is a child/children, then I'd say that was another reason to leave!

ponygirl · 03/02/2006 14:34

I agree with Lady S, don't involve them. It wouldn't be fair: it would be put them in a dreadful situation at best, and at worst, it could backfire on you. And I expect your dp wouldn't be exactly thrilled either. From the sounds of things, I wouldn't say there was a lot to talk about anyhow: he hits you, doesn't respect and is probably cheating on you repeatedly. exactly what is there to keep you in this relationship? And if the answer to that is a child/children, then I'd say that was another reason to leave!

Original poster
Helenemjay · 03/02/2006 14:34

Well my biggest issue is our 3 kids who are 5, 3, and 4 months i dont want them to have to go through any ordeals!

OP posts:
LadySherlockofLGJ · 03/02/2006 14:38

Well then stay and put up with it. Do not involve his parents, they did their job (obviously not very well) but their work is done.

MeerkatsUnite · 03/02/2006 14:40

Re your children you can choose to ignore his appalling behaviour towards you - they cannot. They are picking up on all the bad stuff that is going on around you. Children are perceptive, especailly your five year old. It will affect your children to their emotional detriment if they continue to see all this. Is this the sort of legacy you really want to leave them?. Children learn abour relationships from their parents first adn foremost; what are you teaching them about yours?. That's its somehow acceptable to be disrespected and to be attacked?.

Cannot see any point in getting his parents involved either; you could end up not being believed by them.

MeerkatsUnite · 03/02/2006 14:40

Re your children you can choose to ignore his appalling behaviour towards you - they cannot. They are picking up on all the bad stuff that is going on around you. Children are perceptive, especailly your five year old. It will affect your children to their emotional detriment if they continue to see all this. Is this the sort of legacy you really want to leave them?. Children learn abour relationships from their parents first adn foremost; what are you teaching them about yours?. That's its somehow acceptable to be disrespected and to be attacked?.

Cannot see any point in getting his parents involved either; you could end up not being believed by them.

LadySherlockofLGJ · 03/02/2006 14:43

Good post Meerkats.

I had originally typed stay and F**k up the next generation, but removed it as I am a wimp today.

Original poster
Helenemjay · 03/02/2006 14:49

I always thought i was quite a strong person! my mum left her first husband (long before i was born) as he was abusive and i always thought 'if that was me' etc etc, but now i am aware that im being a doormat and not standing up to this behavior, if i thought it would screw my kids up then i would of course leave, but call it desperation - i want to make sure i have done all i can before i give up, i have endured my mums divorce from my dad when i was 14 as he too was a violent man and i really dont want to put my kids through all that if i can possibly do ANYTHING to sort it!

OP posts:
eefs · 03/02/2006 14:49

red flag to a bull I would have thought. I would be furious if dp talked to my parents about my behaviour, and I'm not very aggressive at all.

WigWamBam · 03/02/2006 14:49

Putting your children through a lifetime of watching him beat you (and eventually possibly being beaten themselves, who knows) is going to be a bigger ordeal for them than getting out now. Whether you are putting yourself or your children first the answer is the same - you do not deserve this and neither do they. Get out while you still have some self respect left.

LadySherlockofLGJ · 03/02/2006 14:50

Go to relate, kick him out and hope he comes to his senses, do not involve his parents.

NotQuiteCockney · 03/02/2006 14:51

If you can't get him to go for couples counselling or solo counselling, which is the only thing that I think would help, you should leave.

His parents are not the answer.

If you decide to go, and they ask why, I guess it's ok to tell them, but still, you'd need to be a bit gentle and vague.

eefs · 03/02/2006 14:51

would your childhood have been easier if your parents divorced when you were a lot younger do you think? If you going to separate, then do it soon.

madmarchhare · 03/02/2006 14:54

Hes a big boy now, no need to involve his parents. It wouldnt make any difference anyway.

Take your children away from this horrible man.

Original poster
Helenemjay · 03/02/2006 14:56

This is it though eefs - dp HAS spoken to my parents about me! - he has an extreme obsession with having a tidy house (he thinks it should look lika showhome at ALL times!) and so has discussed how untidy he thinks i am too my mum and dad! - he has dine this many many times!

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 03/02/2006 14:56

Did that help? Or make things worse?

LadySherlockofLGJ · 03/02/2006 14:56

I hope they told him to go forth and multiply.....why are you still with this man ??

WigWamBam · 03/02/2006 14:58

Sounds as if he was trying to belittle you by complaining to your parents, and he was probably trying to get them on his side too. The actions of a controlling man.

Original poster
Helenemjay · 03/02/2006 14:59

Irony is - he doesnt bath or showere EVER!! so much for having a pristine home when you have the personal hygiene of a sewer rat!

OP posts:
Original poster
Helenemjay · 03/02/2006 15:02

Honestly im pretty scared of being on my own! im very much a people person and have always had lots of people around me! - i really dont think i could pull off the whole single parent thing!

OP posts:
LadySherlockofLGJ · 03/02/2006 15:03

I am sorry, I have to ask this, if his personal hygiene is so dodge, how come you have a 4 month old baby ??

Off on the school run, will be back, not ignoring you IYKWIM

VeniVidiVickiQV · 03/02/2006 15:07

Im in agreement with LGJ here. I cannot see, from what you have posted, why on earth you are still with him.

And i dont understand why you feel that talking to his parents would make a difference. He's not a child any more. Neither are you.

I think you need to make up your mind about what you really want, and then go for it. If he wants to join you for the ride, he joins you on your terms. A short sharp shock is what he needs, and if that doesnt work, well, then you have still made the right choice to move on without him.

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