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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should i involve his parents!

92 replies

Helenemjay · 03/02/2006 14:26

Having problems with dp, since we got together 6.5 years ago he has physically attacked me a few times, i recently caught him 'chatting' many (at least 10) women over his messenger and he admitted he has been 'friendly' with them for about 6 months! he is consistently rude and disrespectful to me, and there are other tings too that i probably shouldnt mention but which i dislike greatly, the question is, his mum and dad are lovely, his mum is very shy and suffers alot with depression, but his dad is a very lovely kind hearted down to earth person and i cant help but feel like if i sat and had a chat with them about dp's behavior i may be able to help our relationship, he is 28 and i know he has alot of respect for his mum and dad, and he would listen to them, i dont doubt his mum and dad think he is a very good boy and he would NEVER do anything bad, his mum has said before 'he's a good boy!' should i talk to them or is it a bad idea?? im in such a pickle!

OP posts:

NotQuiteCockney · 05/02/2006 07:05

Helen, what about your dad. Did he try EVERYTHING to keep their marriage together? Why is it just your mum's job (and your job, now) to keep a marriage together? And why is it only her fault (and your fault, now) if it fails?

Carlk · 05/02/2006 08:30

One of my preious gf's used to hit me in arguments I never retaliated physically. Once when she hit me with the phone I picked her up and put her o/s the back door and locked it, funnily enough that seemed to heighten her rage.
As I was physically stronger than her and a blckbelt.I was easily able do defend myself from these attacks and always thought she had lost the argument.
I'm no saint btw.
had she really been able to hurt me I would have locked the back door after myself and not looked back.
Flame suit on
I believe abusers are encouraged by the fogivenness of the abused. I wonder if stockholm syndrome is similar to the effects felt by people in abusive relationships???

Original poster

Helenemjay · 05/02/2006 11:24

As you can imagine i have been doing alot of thinking, and i have 99% decided to leave, my biggest concern is what i will do, our house is mortgaged in his name and i have no idea how i will cope financially on my own with 3 kids! Thankyou carlk, i think you made a really good point with regards to the stockholm syndrome, maybe you are right! im currently at my mums house and have shown her all this, she is happy to help me but obviously its me thats got to take the big steps to leaving him and starting again on my own! i have no idea where to begin, i cant believe i could make such a mess of my life ad the lives of 3 other people all at once.

OP posts:

Caligula · 05/02/2006 11:39

Helen, you're not making a mess of your life, you're saving it. And that of your children.

In a couple of years time when you've got through this, you'll feel proud of yourself and what you've achieved. And to give your children the gift of a strong, proud, confident mother is the best thing you can do for them.

Women's Aid will help you. You wont' be alone. Good luck.

AggiePanther · 05/02/2006 11:40

Helen, by leaving this abusive situation you are not making a mess of your life and the lives of 3 others - you will be sorting out the mess. I sincerely wish you all the best x

AggiePanther · 05/02/2006 11:41

Snap with Caligula
Must've x posts

WideWebWitch · 05/02/2006 11:44

Good for you helenm, really pleased to hear it. Well done, deciding you don't have to tolerate this is a really positive first step, I'm glad your mum is going to help. And mumsnetters are right behind you, plenty of women on this board have been through the same thing.

BudaBabe · 05/02/2006 11:54

Good for you Helen - I'm really pleased you felt able to bring this up with your Mum. And glad she will support you.

FWIW it is NOT you that has made a mess of your relationship/children's lives. It is your DP. HE is the one who has attacked you. HE is the one who has been involved with other women (to whatever extent). HE is the one who doesn't even have enough respect for himself to wash FGS.

Children are resilient. They will cope. Especially if at the end of it all they end up in a calmer environment.

Good luck.

MeerkatsUnite · 05/02/2006 13:46

Helen

I am glad to read that you are making plans to leave this man.

The first step is always the most difficult but with support from your Mum and outside agencies like the CAB and Womens Aid, you will eventually make a happier life for you and your children.

MeerkatsUnite · 05/02/2006 13:46

Helen

I am glad to read that you are making plans to leave this man.

The first step is always the most difficult but with support from your Mum and outside agencies like the CAB and Womens Aid, you will eventually make a happier life for you and your children.

doormat · 05/02/2006 13:53

helen
see it as another chapter beginning in your life
it will be hard at first but there is support there for you
just keep strong, as in time you will know you will have made the right decision
good luck
hugs
xxx

Tortington · 05/02/2006 14:30

well done for being so brave. dont do anything rash - please go and see the cab and be in full knowledge of the facts. know your financial situation and what it will be and start planning.

before you tellhim is there anyway you can get the mortgage in both names?

if you thing housing is going to be a problem, speak to the council and find out what your options will be.

anychance of squirreling some money away secretly? buying some things now with his money which will come in handy for the future?

good luck and best wishes

Dinosaur · 06/02/2006 12:39

good luck helen

Original poster

Helenemjay · 08/02/2006 13:51

He's agreed to anger management..... he's telling me he wil do his best and has arranged for us to go to relate.....im so fed up with it all

OP posts:

Original poster

Helenemjay · 08/02/2006 13:52

Should i try? i feel so alone in all this

OP posts:

Caligula · 08/02/2006 14:03

Do you think he could change?

Do you want to live with him again as a changed character?

Or have you got to a stage where it doesn't matter what he does, you want out?

If you can answer yes to both the first and second questions, and the answer to the third is no, then I'd say go to Relate. It may not save your relationship, but it won't do it any further harm. And it may help you have a better break, if it comes to a break.

Original poster

Helenemjay · 08/02/2006 15:50

Thanks Caligula

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