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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should i involve his parents!

92 replies

Helenemjay · 03/02/2006 14:26

Having problems with dp, since we got together 6.5 years ago he has physically attacked me a few times, i recently caught him 'chatting' many (at least 10) women over his messenger and he admitted he has been 'friendly' with them for about 6 months! he is consistently rude and disrespectful to me, and there are other tings too that i probably shouldnt mention but which i dislike greatly, the question is, his mum and dad are lovely, his mum is very shy and suffers alot with depression, but his dad is a very lovely kind hearted down to earth person and i cant help but feel like if i sat and had a chat with them about dp's behavior i may be able to help our relationship, he is 28 and i know he has alot of respect for his mum and dad, and he would listen to them, i dont doubt his mum and dad think he is a very good boy and he would NEVER do anything bad, his mum has said before 'he's a good boy!' should i talk to them or is it a bad idea?? im in such a pickle!

OP posts:

WigWamBam · 03/02/2006 15:07

Would you seriously rather be with a violent man who could seriously screw your children up, than get out and cope on your own? Seriously?

Original poster

Helenemjay · 03/02/2006 15:21

Im convincing myself it wont affect my children! problem is when i was 8 months pregnant with my first he 2 or 3 times pinned my to the wall by my throat and hurled verbal abuse at me, when my baby was born he was bout 6 wekks old and he pushed me over while i was holding ds and fortunatley it was near our bed and i just fell on the bed and ds was fine, he has punched me in the arm, the back and the tummy several times since then, but all this is over a 6and half year period, we have talked about it and he denies it all completley! the last time he did anything was about 7/8 weeks ago, were he grabbed my throat, he says i deserve it as i give as good as i get (i dont see that myself), im not really as much a push over as i sound, dp had been giving me alot of abuse, dd was only a few weeks old and was NOT sleeping at all, dp slept downstairs for some reason and so i had to deal with all 3 kids all night on my own and he would NOT get up and help so i finally got mad and told him if he didnt get up and help me i would get a jug of cold water and throw it over him - needless to say he didnt get up and so i did throw a jug of cold water over him (not soemthing id usually do) this resulted in him jumping up and going for my throat - literally! so i suppose yes you could say i brought it on myself - i just cant see the woods for the trees anymore - need clarification, need to get other perceptions on it all - hence mumsnet!

OP posts:

WideWebWitch · 03/02/2006 15:26

There was an ad campaign last year with a photo of a sofa with one cushion on it and the line "put it on the left and he'll hit you, put it on the right and he'll hit you." Violence is unacceptable and the state of the house is no excuse.

madmarchhare · 03/02/2006 15:31

Thing is, no one here would say that you brought it on yourself Helenemjay.

BudaBabe · 03/02/2006 15:34

Hmmmm.

His mother is nice and quiet and suffers from depression you say. Could your DP be repeating the actions of his father??

FWIW I lost the plot with my DH one night and threw a glass of water at him - all over the bed - as he was drunk and being obnoxious. He didn't raise a hand to me in retaliation. I am not prooud of my behaviour obviously but my point is that YOU have done nothing to "deserve" being hit by your DP.

PLEASE PLEASE put your children first. Yes - it will be hard on your own initially but it will get easier. You will have your self-respect for starters.

ANd your DP's lovely parents didn't do that good a job as someone else pointed out - bringing up a son who beats women and doesn't even realise the importance of washing!

You deserve better. More to the point your children deserve better.

WideWebWitch · 03/02/2006 15:34

I wondered that too bab about his mother.

doormat · 03/02/2006 15:35

agree with other posters
get out
and dont mention to his parents

as for being single mum, you WILL cope
at least you wont be walking on eggshells all the time and bowing to the demands of a control freak
good luck
xxx

Caligula · 03/02/2006 15:38

Helenemjay, convincing yourself that living with domestic violence won't harm your children, is the worst thing you can do for them.

You're teaching your little girl to expect to be beaten up. And your're teaching your little boy to beat his wife up.

They won't thank you for it. And neither will your daughter-in-law. Or your grandchildren. Please call Women's Aid.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 03/02/2006 15:48

Agree with Caligula too, and i too think that his behaviour may mirror what he has seen in his parents relationship.

He behaves like a spoilt child. You appear to view it this way too. The problem is, a child in an adults body is very dangerous.

You need to get out of this. It is NOT okay for a man to push his partner - let alone whilst she holds his baby.

Tortington · 03/02/2006 15:49

you will be fine. dont worry. i think him verbally abusing you and showing anger towards you in front of the children -wilst your holding a baby, whilst your pregant - well its ok. it will not i repeat WILL NOT in the remotest damage your children

your kids will obviously be better off knowing that dad hates mum and mum creis all the time. that mum is scred of dad and how mum screams when dad hits her.

kids are more resiliant than you think - keeping the facade of a happy family is not going to fuck up your children in the least.

if you stay with him your a selfish woman. As a mother the safety of your children come first.

your scared? so what. how much is it going to take before you do something.

will it be a baclk eye - with a sobbing apology " i wont do it again i promise, it was an accident, i wont i promise i love you so much, dont take my family away without you i have nothing"

will it be a broken arm " wont do it again i promise, it was an accident, i wont i promise i love you so much, dont take my family away without you i have nothing"

so what reasoning is it then? the reasoning that says...everything ok. evrythings fine. he wont hurt my children he wont.

its the same reasoning that knows that by hurting you he is hurting the children - and the same tinge of doubt that one day - one day the kids will push it too much...then what.

whats it going to take for you to make sure your children arn't permanantly damaged?

VeniVidiVickiQV · 03/02/2006 16:00

Think about this - if he read this thread, how would he react?

MeerkatsUnite · 03/02/2006 16:01

Helen

Re your comment:-
"Im convincing myself it wont affect my children!"

You're deluding yourself if you really mean that and I don't think you do. Its really just another way of burying your head in the sand.

He has done a very good job of destroying you as a person especially with regards to your self esteem and worth but there is hope for you. You can escape this abusive relationship.

Look at your own childhood - your Mum was married to an abusive man and I think you still have residual issues regarding this (counselling may help you). This has become a generational problem. Sorry that sounds harsh but its true.

Remember what I wrote about children learning abour relationships from your parents - well look what your parents taught you about relationships. You have actually done the same as they did.

I don't for one minute think you can sort this out as you want to try. He will never admit any wrongdoing to you, besides which he has denied any past violence towards you.

Look at your children - they will not thank you for staying with such a man as they get older and become more aware of what is happening around them.

Do consider calling Womens Aid. They will be able to help you.

MeerkatsUnite · 03/02/2006 16:11

Helen

Re your comment:-

"Honestly im pretty scared of being on my own! im very much a people person and have always had lots of people around me! - i really dont think i could pull off the whole single parent thing!"

These are excuses frankly. The only one stopping you is ultimately you. You are your own worst enemy in this regard.

What on earth d'you think staying would achieve?. It will mess with your childrens' heads not least of all yours.

Original poster

Helenemjay · 03/02/2006 16:12

I really dont think he is in any way a danger to my kids! my mum thinks he is lovely, infact most people that meet him thinks he is a very lovely person, i havent ever seen him hurt or lash out at the kids! its only ever aimed at me! -honestly!!!

OP posts:

VeniVidiVickiQV · 03/02/2006 16:14

Oh thats okay then.

NOT.

WigWamBam · 03/02/2006 16:16

He may not be a physical danger to them but HE IS GOING TO SCREW THEIR HEADS UP. And when they're a bit older he may well be a physical danger to them too.

I can't believe you seriously think that it's OK for them to live like this.

Original poster

Helenemjay · 03/02/2006 16:17

VeniVidiVickiQV - he'd get pretty mad, he probably wouldnt say much - he would read ALL of it then go of and sulk for a LONG time about it, then he would tell me how mean and unfair i am to him, which would very quickly turn into a row, which is generally when things get physical, he is right though in as much as i give as good back sometimes, i have thrown the odd cup at him and smack his face once, its not a good way to behave, i should rise above his comments and act my age!

OP posts:

ggglimpopo · 03/02/2006 16:21

Message withdrawn

VeniVidiVickiQV · 03/02/2006 16:23

So, if thats how he would react, what does that tell you?

Tortington · 03/02/2006 16:25

a real man would walk away when you throw stuff.

the truth of it is, hes stronger than you, his power is in his strength.

my husband could knock me out with one slap. but hes just stood there when ive done some stupid things in a row.

i dont see how you think this is right. YOU are going the fuck up your kids

Feistybird · 03/02/2006 16:27

Please read your own posts,

Just what is there to like about your DP?

He sounds like a bullying, violent, controlling, arrogant, smelly arse.

I repeat, what is there to like?

MeerkatsUnite · 03/02/2006 16:28

Hi Helen,

As for this:-
"I really dont think he is in any way a danger to my kids! my mum thinks he is lovely, infact most people that meet him thinks he is a very lovely person, i havent ever seen him hurt or lash out at the kids! its only ever aimed at me! -honestly!!!"

If a friend told you this what would you think honestly?. These are typical words spoken by the abused party. Yet more excuses for his crappy behaviour.

You are copying exactly what you've previously seen in your life.

Most if not all violent men are lovely to the outside world - they put on a good act. No-one knows what goes on behind closed doors - you certainly do and its affecting you very badly. He's certainly done a great job of destroying any self worth that you have.

You should also be aware that two women in the UK per week die (yes die) at the hands of their partner. You really want your kids without a mother; he could end up killing you.

Original poster

Helenemjay · 03/02/2006 16:29

Im trying to avoid splitting my family up for my kids custardo! - i know how your mum and dad splitting up can fuck you up too! i would do ANYTHING to avoid hurting my kids but i dont think there is a solution here that wont in some way f*ck them up!

OP posts:

MeerkatsUnite · 03/02/2006 16:30

Helen

Of course its hard to admit you've made a bad mistake and thus walk away here but you are compounding this error further by staying with such a brutish excuse for a man.

Tortington · 03/02/2006 16:31

kids can have two loving parents that dont live together - much better than one parent who killed the other or living and growing up haating one parent becuase he beats your mum and hating the other for being pathetic

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