Think I'd like being on my own......

[cathkidstonbag]

Somebody come and tell me it wouldn't be easy?

Married 17 years, 3 dc. Last 10 years have been rough although to give DH his due since Christmas he has been noticeably trying (some of the time!) to put more effort in.

He's away for a week and I thought I'd miss him and I don't. The house functions better without him, I'm more relaxed, DC are totally different behaviour wise. Youngest has slept through for 3 nights (unheard of). Now obviously it's a false situation in that I'm not living in some tiny flat struggling for money with them as I would be on my own. But it's just made me wonder whether I would be happier. Or is this just a nice little breathing space?

He hasn't been trying since Christmas given that you had yet another thread about this marriage a short while ago claiming that he had thrown all the children's saved schoolwork and souvenirs in the bin. You asked people if this was a dealbreaker and they said yes, along with all the other abusive behaviours your poor kids have had to witness. But it seems you've got this thread on repeat every few months because you won't leave your husband and put your children first.

Now you want people to tell you that it would be hellish being a single parent, so that you'll have more excuses for failing to do right by your children and stand on your own two feet. I hope you don't get them and I hope that posters realise that they are wasting their time advising you to leave, because you won't.

Having seen your OP this morning, either your husband isn't as abusive as you've been making out all this time or you're in denial in order to avoid doing something.

The real test is how would things be long term.

The flat might not be tiny and you may struggle less with money than with your oh.

His getting better was led by him or was it triggered by you?

I guess time will tell whether the improvement I consistent and long term.
And you may be able to evaluate better how you feel when he comes back.

How do you think he would react if you told him how you feel?

sorry - single parent here and i don't live in a tiny little flat - life is hard sometimes but not because i'm a single parent just because life is hard sometimes for everyone. but if life is hard it's down to me and i can change it rather than it being hard because someone else is making it so and refuses to do otherwise.

cath was yours the post about your elder dd being idolised and spoilt literally rotten by your dh whilst you and younger dd are treated like shit she can wipe her shoes on? apologies if i've mixed you up with someone else but the name rang a bell.

My kids were happier. I was happier. I was also better off (despite no extra benefits, no child maintenance and giving him 50% of the equity - go figure!)

It's a really tough decision to make because I don't think anyone plans to be a lone parent and it's hard work ......but it's a hell of a lot easier than a shit marriage

Charbon
Yes you're right I'm on a repeat. That's what life is like when for 20 years you've been told you wouldn't cope on your own. I'm sorry to have wasted your time posting this thread.

I have 2 friends who are divorced and single and they regret leaving their marriages and the security so I have to weigh all the angles up.

Swallowedafly- yes that was me.

It depends why they separated.
I hadn't realised about your other posts but it feels that you would be happier indeed.

They may also only remember the good things.

Have you tried to put it on paper? It may help you analyse things better.

The impression I got of you from the last thread (and I also recall others) is that you place too much emphasis on material comfort/money/presents and that you don't take enough responsibility for your own life and choices. You seem to be perpetually stuck in 'victim' mode and that's comfortable to you because it stops you taking responsibility and means you get lots of sympathy from others.

I don't think more sympathy helps you at all, however much you want it. The people who deserve the sympathy are your children.

cath - stay to talk

I took years to leave.

I assumed all the behaviour was 'normal' and it was me because after 22 years that was drummed into me. You get so much conflicting information that you really don't know who to believe. believing yourself means listening to the voice that blames YOU.

It's so hard to step back and value yourself and imagine a different life.

Three years on I can now see what was so wrong with my marriage. It was the right thing to leave. A lot has been vile since then and it will be tough BUT BUT BUT... I sleep at night quite well, I smile, the tension has gone, two of my children are relaxed and happy. I have a DD who he sidelined for special behaviour. He still works on her and it's been a painful journey with her BUT we are getting there.

Staying means ...well staying as you are. Miserable and with DC learning that loyally being in an abusive relationship is more important than leaving and being a happy person.

Move on - it's hard but you will be happy in the future. You have no hope now. You are just caught in a loop

You need to read about emotional abuse.

Sending you love and strength x

Charbon
I'm sorry you feel that way. I can assure you I don't want sympathy. I want cold hard facts from people who have chosen to leave their marriage.

Too much emphasis on material goods? Not at all. But I was brought up by a single mum for a few years struggling for every penny. Not a life I want my children to experience either.

Cath, it isn't an easy decision to make.
i would say that not missing him is telling you something about how you truly feel about him.

take your time, and believe in yourself, it is okay to want what you want.

I've skimmed the previous threads and didn't get the same impression Charbon.

When you are weighing up pros and cons, a con is being 'destitute'. It is not inconsiderable to many many people. It seems real, frightening and the unknown.

OP finances will be tight to start with. I was in a different situation where my ex knew I earnt well. He deliberately made himself unemployed and tried to snare the DC away to him to claim maintenance from me. Very damaging to them.

By choice they are with me. I am heaps better off despite getting nothing from him. Makes me realise that he was a drain on me in more ways than one

Cath - I don't wish to be a struggling single mum. No one wants that. It is as I said in the first post FAR BETTER than a crap marriage however. Sometimes you have to accept that life has not turned out as you wanted. It's about taking the best decision even if that one is not the one you ever wanted to make.

Um. Difficult question. My marriage ended cos of ow and i was pretty devastated but after some time did learn to enjoy being alone with the dc.
However imho there is a massive difference between having some dh free time and being alone all the time on one wage and having to run a family and house single handedly.
The nice peacefull few days you are experiencing would be far less enjoyable if you had to do the gardening,shopping,cleaning,bill paying,washing,car maintenence etc iyswim.
Im re married now and i do enjoy times when dh is at work late or away visiting rellies but im always glad hes home.
Id be ok on my own again but think i prefer it with him.
Also do consider the effects on the dc,mine were quite life alteringly effected.

You've had lots of cold hard facts though in numerous threads. If you really wanted that, you'd go to see a solicitor but on the last thread I was on you hadn't done that. You hadn't checked what benefits you might be entitled to and you put up excuses for not getting a job, even when posters pointed out that it was possible in your situation and something lots of single parents managed to achieve, especially given the age of your children.

I've also skimread previous threads and there were even more than I'd recalled. In at least 3 I came across this morning, you mention your dissatisfaction about your H not buying you suitable/any presents, which seems to be the least of your concerns.

If you want facts, go to see a solicitor and then see what benefits you'd be entitled to.

What you won't get (hopefully) is anyone telling you that it's a really bad idea to leave an abusive marriage and that having less money is worse for you and your children.

Yet that's what you seemed to want in your OP today. Why?

Getting good legal advice might help you make a decision. All decisions involve risks, but its good to have as many facts (including financial) at your disposal to help you make your decision. If you've had a long marriage and are comfortable, I doubt you would be destitute, but it would help to find out.

I think people often know deepdown what they want to do, there is just a mental fog around them so they can't see clearly. How about some counselling too, to help you there, even if its just a short course?

Sometimes we do go round in (what looks like impotent) circles for a while, but I am sure you are pushing towards a conclusion, one way or t'other. Good luck.

It wouldn't be easy but many things in life aren't, sometimes the easy route isn't the best you know?

My mum and dad had an awful marriage for 10 years. They thought we didn't notice but we did. My sister and I had a bet on when they would divorce.

We never thought my mum would be the one to leave but she did. It was hard that she went and left us with him but life was so, so, so much better not having to live in that atmosphere of tension and stress, waiting for the next row.

So stop worrying about how hard it will be, you'll get on with it. Think about how much happier you and your children will be.

Good luck

This is not specific advice re marriage, but i read something really helpful recently about making tough decisions. When you are grappling with a list of pros and cons it can help to realise there is no "right" decision. Each decision has an outcome. Having made that decision, you are left coping with your new reality. You can then work towards making sure that the decision you took creates the right outcome/reality. Hope that's not too mystical. I tend to agonise over decisions too and it can become all consuming.

Charbon
I know exactly what benefits I would be entitled for. Working would mean quitting the college course I am currently on which hopefully in 6 moths will lead to a career I can fit around my DC. Which if I had to do I would but I won't get a refund on the course and wouldn't be able to afford it on my own. And yes there's that whole money issue again but unfortunately that's what pays the bills/buys the food.

To the poster who said its like a fog (sorry on phone so can't link), that's exactly it. Every now and then it clears a bit but then gets murky again. Ap

Apologies to anyone who thinks I should just stop posting threads and go. I wish it was that simple.

The course you're doing and the career you're hoping to pursue won't pay the bills. It's just about the worst time economically to become a massage therapist when most people have less disposable income than at any other time in their adult lives for private therapy and there are no employed jobs advertised for this type of work.

When I asked you on the last thread whether the course you're doing would lead to a job, I didn't know what you were doing but suspected it was something like this because as I said on that thread, often women in abusive relationships start courses like this just to get out of the house and develop an interest. That's fine (if an avoidance tactic) but realistically, there's very little chance of you earning any money from this work and certainly not enough to support yourself and the children. A job as an employee might though.

Not that your earnings would be your sole source of income. You know that because you are married you will be entitled to half of the assets, but you also know that seeing a solicitor is the best bet, rather than relying on what friends say.

The obstacles you put up are surmountable and you're in a better position than many women in abusive relationships. You have choices but you don't want to take them. You are choosing to stay in this relationship because you think the alternative is worse for you as an individual, never mind that it would be better for your children.

This isn't about the money. It's about you and your choices.

Wow jumping to assumptions or what. I am a therapist. I'm studying in sports therapy and have a job lined up if I pass my exams. Can you stop making me feel worse about this please. While I didn't post for sympathy I did want some useful information not this attack.

half of the assets, cb, child maintenance, ctc and if you got a part time job also your salary and working tax credits. it would be totally affordable if you took a part time job for 20hrs a week fitting around school and therefore not incurring childcare costs.

money is not stopping you.

i'm afraid i agree about the massage course. even qualifying as a counsellor now is pretty much money down the drain as there aren't enough jobs out there and there are way, way too many other qualified counsellors competing for private clients with way more experience etc. that's going to be far worse for a masseur because short of the sex trade there is not much call for the work and the call that there is will be taken by very well qualified, experienced body therapists who have built up clients and reputation.

if it is the money worrying you then i think that's daft - it's all doable. you'll have the house, you'll have maintenance, ctc, and can get part time work and wtc. there is no way you'd be destitute.

i remember that thread about your dds and i recall that i actually assumed you were a step mum and not married because of the way you talked about your position in the household and how your husband treated your opinions about the children. that's not right cath! you have to decide only if you want to end this marriage - if you do there are ways to deal with everything else and they'll fall into place once you make that decision.