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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Think I'd like being on my own......

64 replies

cathkidstonbag · 24/03/2012 07:42

Somebody come and tell me it wouldn't be easy?

Married 17 years, 3 dc. Last 10 years have been rough although to give DH his due since Christmas he has been noticeably trying (some of the time!) to put more effort in.

He's away for a week and I thought I'd miss him and I don't. The house functions better without him, I'm more relaxed, DC are totally different behaviour wise. Youngest has slept through for 3 nights (unheard of). Now obviously it's a false situation in that I'm not living in some tiny flat struggling for money with them as I would be on my own. But it's just made me wonder whether I would be happier. Or is this just a nice little breathing space?

OP posts:

treadwarily · 24/03/2012 09:41

Being a LP is way better than being married and living in constant conflict.

You sound very scared of going it alone.

Imagine yourself at the end of your life and thinking back.. did you live a full and true life? did you do the right thing by your children?

swallowedAfly · 24/03/2012 09:42

(sorry if the counsellor bit was a bit random - i've provisionally got a place on an msc course that would take me to professional level and am in the process of weighing up whether it is worth investing over 5k to qualify given the job situation and like massage therapy type work there are way too many practicioners and way too few jobs and private clients)

swallowedAfly · 24/03/2012 09:44

sorry x posted with you - sports therapy not massage. how do you manage to have a job lined up? and if this is the case why the talk about destitution when in 6 months time you have a job to go to?

captainbarnacle · 24/03/2012 09:45

It's not an attack - its another point of view which you need to stop dismissing. You can't post and just hope that people will give you a hug and tell you what you want to hear.

You are stuck in a rut. You do not get out by continuing to do the same thing.

ImperialBlether · 24/03/2012 09:51

If six months is going to make that much difference, then why not stick it out and plan to leave then?

If the last ten years were rough, why did you think a short time apart would be difficult? Most women would look forward to that. Why did you think it would be difficult?

Charbon · 24/03/2012 09:52

I'm not making assumptions, I'm going on what you've said on your threads and on the facts about the job market. This is also the first time you've said you will have a definite job at the end of your course. On your last thread you didn't say that and instead said that you 'could' earn good money post-qualification. Has this definite job offer come about in the past few weeks then and what's the salary?

It's not an attack either. I think you need some realism and some detached objective advice, not sympathy or what you asked for specifically this morning - for posters to tell you that separating from your husband won't be as easy as you've found it this week.

It won't be easy. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. Your current life according to you isn't easy - and it's failing your children and damaging them, as your other threads about your daughters' behaviour, suggest.

Original poster

cathkidstonbag · 24/03/2012 09:54

I won't earn enough in 6 months even with benefits etc. for us to live on.

OP posts:

baboos · 24/03/2012 09:57

I can understand why some are being tough on you. Sometimes in life, even our friends get fed up of us moaning about the same situation, over and over, then not listening to their advice. There comes a point when we have to stop asking and start acting... you and only you can make your life change.

You do have choices here...

baboos · 24/03/2012 10:01

Why won't you have enough to live on... benefits will provide in the short term!

treadwarily · 24/03/2012 10:03

cath if you want things to change you need to face up to it, not just cloak yourself in excuses.

ToothbrushThief · 24/03/2012 10:05

Money worries added to my prevarication about getting out. Eventually I had to just do it. You will survive.

What you have to do is weigh up which is worse...being 'less well off' and being happy and at peace with yourself.

I know how hard a decision it is to make. It's like jumping off a high rock into the river.... but sometimes the sitting on the edge looking over is far far worse than the jump.

Original poster

cathkidstonbag · 24/03/2012 10:05

Baboos

Unless I have been misinformed benefits won't pay for somewhere for me and DCs to live if DH refuses to leave the house?

Swallowedafly - I have a good friend who did that course but also did a lot of voluntary counselling work whilst studying (phone lines). She is employed as a counsellor rather than working for herself, not her ideal but she went for the security rather than flexibility. I think she found the job market tough but she expected that.

OP posts:

Original poster

cathkidstonbag · 24/03/2012 10:08

Toothbrush Thief - like that idea about the high rock. Sums it up perfectly thank you. It would be no contest if it was just me. But I still remember being the child who had free school meals and hand me down clothes. Not an excuse. Just reality.

OP posts:

swallowedAfly · 24/03/2012 10:08

cath that's just not true. i'm considering taking on a hairdressing apprenticeship in which i'd earn less than minimum wage but have just been on entitled to and with ctc, wtc and some help towards rent it is affordable. there is no way that you could not afford to live on a salary plus tax credits and maintenance from your husband unless you have really mixed up ideas of what is necessary.

swallowedAfly · 24/03/2012 10:09

dh can't 'refuse to leave the house' on a whim - if he did that then the court would order it to be sold i presume. either you'd stay in the house with the children as the family home or the house would be sold and any profit divided.

swallowedAfly · 24/03/2012 10:11

hairdresser or finish my counselling training and move on to a phd bizarre the forks in the road we come to and surprise ourselves which which way we're tempted to go.

there's always a way forward cath! if you're telling yourself it's impossible then you're not thinking with your head but with your fear. honestly, there is a way.

Original poster

cathkidstonbag · 24/03/2012 10:11

Swallowed - yes I know the court could order him to leave but I'd have to stay here until then. That would be an awful situation and I don't know anybody personally who has done that to know what that would be like.

OP posts:

ToothbrushThief · 24/03/2012 10:22

It would be like it is now Cath - possibly slightly worse but there would be a light at the end of that tunnel.

Can you sit down and have a conversation about how you might separate and exist separately?

Can you leave and live in a flat (housing benefit?) leaving him the house? Don't wait on him to act. You have to.

Or you have to accept your situation. It's not going to change on it's own

Charbon · 24/03/2012 10:32

Yes you've been misinformed.

And your husband can't refuse to sell an asset that is jointly owned, but you know that anyway.

The truth is that you'll get money from the divided assets, plus maintenance, plus benefits and the income you say you're going to have in 6 months time.

It's unlikely your children will need to be on free school meals with that much income. In any case, there is fortunately much less stigma attached to that now and with cashless catering becoming the norm in schools, no need for other pupils to know. There's no stigma in wearing hand-me-down clothes either; most parents realise it's sensible and less wasteful to do that.

Cath, all of this is just an excuse. You haven't gone to a solicitor because you don't want to know what you'd be entitled to in a divorce. You haven't found accurate information about benefits because you don't want to find out that you could manage. I can see you're very defensive about your course and chosen career, but again if you've elected to take a job that won't pay you enough to support yourself, then that again represents a choice instead of other alternatives.

You might protest, but it seems obvious that you want to stay in this marriage.

Either accept that or make the changes that are available to you. And live with the consequences of that choice and take responsibility for them.

Original poster

cathkidstonbag · 24/03/2012 10:38

The house is in his name, not mine. So I'm guessing that would complicate things. As would the fact that my eldest DD would probably choose to stay with him.

Yes you're right I need to leave or shut up.

OP posts:

Charbon · 24/03/2012 10:46

Yes but as other posters have told you repeatedly, when you're married it makes no difference whose name a house is in. Any solicitor will tell you that too. It doesn't complicate things at all. You've been married for years and you know full well that the house is a marital asset.

It's also up to your daughter who she lives with. She has that right. She might change her mind later on but as her mother you need to support her in her choices. What she says now might be different to what she does when push comes to shove and it would also be dependent on your husband agreeing to care for his oldest child. She might in fact appreciate you more if she lived with her dad, but that's another obstacle that could be overcome and is hypothetical.

swallowedAfly · 24/03/2012 10:47

no it wouldn't complicate things as you are married and it is a joint asset whatever name is on the deeds.

Original poster

cathkidstonbag · 24/03/2012 10:50

Yes the house is an asset but there's bugger all equity in it! Unfortunately. And yes she might change her mind but how the hell can I leave her with DH when I'm leaving him because of his behaviour. If I should leave him for the sake of my kids how does leaving her with him help that? I'm not being awkward this is the kind of thing I lay awake at night trying to figure out.
If I see a solicitor and start that ball rolling it will be all out war here. I'm a coward obviously because I don't want to deal with that.

OP posts:

swallowedAfly · 24/03/2012 10:53

at least she'd have a choice. if she chose to stay with him that would be her choice rather than your decision if you stay with him.

swallowedAfly · 24/03/2012 10:53

besides which it may be too late with her as awful as that sounds because of the effect he has already had on her. does that mean you should sacrifice your younger dd too? or is all the more important to get her out before it's too late?

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