Think I'd like being on my own......

[cathkidstonbag]

Somebody come and tell me it wouldn't be easy?

Married 17 years, 3 dc. Last 10 years have been rough although to give DH his due since Christmas he has been noticeably trying (some of the time!) to put more effort in.

He's away for a week and I thought I'd miss him and I don't. The house functions better without him, I'm more relaxed, DC are totally different behaviour wise. Youngest has slept through for 3 nights (unheard of). Now obviously it's a false situation in that I'm not living in some tiny flat struggling for money with them as I would be on my own. But it's just made me wonder whether I would be happier. Or is this just a nice little breathing space?

When did you buy the house then?

How much is it mortgaged for?

I don't think I could split my DC up. I really don't. I am the one who has done all the parenting and whilst I don't think I own them I know damn well I love them more!!

A few years ago. A lot. Sorry I don't feel comfortable saying more than that.

I really like pharmgirls point about their being no right decision. There's just the decision you make and then what you do to make it work.

I don't remember your other threads but just by going on this one, clearly you need to leave him. You know that. But you are still building up to it and busily rearranging deckchairs instead of leaping into the lifeboat.

You'll get there eventually, though its worrying to think of what needs to happen at home to give you that impetus to act.

Okay I understand that but I just wondered whether the nil equity claim is a fact or another supposition.

Swallowed is entirely right that this would be your daughter's choice, compared to the choice you are now making for her and your other children. Likewise it would be her choice to live apart from her siblings if it's intended that you will be the younger ones' primary carer. There's an alternative to that of course in that you and your H could co-parent from separate residences so that the children stayed together but in two homes.

I think I saw on another thread this morning that the DD concerned is now 15, which means that she's likely to leave home as soon as she can legally anyway, so you probably won't have her for much longer.

I would understand it if your children said that they'd rather spend time with you both as separated parents, but I think you're taking that choice away from them which they are likely to resent bitterly later on - and blame both of you.

Charbon sorry I really don't understand what you are saying now. You said I should leave for the sake of my DC first. Now say about co parenting. So he could have them shared custody. Surely that's worse for them??

I think I'll bow out now as there's been some useful advice but I know I'm in an emotionally abusive marriage and my aim isn't to leave one of my DC to deal with that on her own. I know I need to get out but it's not as clearcut as that.

having periods of time separate from your older dd and father may be the making of your younger dd who is effectively being bullied and damaged by the pair of them.

there is no time machine so it's about now - salvaging what can be salvaged of your children's lives.

whilst they'd still spend time with him they'd also get to see a normal, healthy household where they are treated as equals by you and are given normal boundaries and expectations etc. they'd still have him but they'd have another experience and way of life to contrast that to. dyswim? currently you're just saying this is normal, ok, acceptable, strive to live and relate this. if you left they'd get the message that actually it wasn't ok or fine or normal and people who love you protect you and do what's right by you and it's good to have high standards and do what it takes to be happy and protect the ones you love.

An emotionally abusive husband doesn't always equate to an emotionally abusive father. When children see one of their parents being abused on a regular basis however, that is extremely damaging to them.

If you're now saying that he is an emotionally abusive father as well as a husband then you need to protect your younger children from that. Sadly it might be too late for your eldest DD (and it doesn't sound like she thinks her father is abusive - to her at least) and you must bear some responsibility for that, but your husband is of course most responsible.

If on the other hand he is not an abusive father and this is contained to his feelings about you, then shared parenting might be better. Leaving the marriage would definitely be better, because it is harming your children.

I can see why you're bowing out now but really it sounds as though you want posters to tell you that it's better for your children to witness the abuse of their mother and/experience abuse of them. Neither is acceptable and the alternatives would be much better, but you don't want to take them.

he's set up oldest dd as the golden child above the other children and the OP by the sound of it and treats her like the top female of the household with others expected to defer to her and clean up after her. younger dd put down and called stupid etc. OP ignored on parenting issues and also deferring to older dd's alleged needs as the top dog. all very messed up so yes in all likelihood oldest dd having been raised this way up to now is likely to choose dad where she can continue being princess however she might quickly find as the only female in the house she loses her status in contrast to other females and his expectations of what she must do around the house would change dramatically - can't see him clearing up after her and serving her in her ivory tower so there'd hopefully be a bit of an awakening there.

meanwhile younger dd would escape from the situation of being treated like second best and put down and being trained to be a victim with low self esteem thinking being treated crappily is normal because she's not good enough.

all the children gain really and the op gains the ability to look her dd's in the eye when they grow up and see what went on in their family of origin.

Just to clarify... you would indeed get housing benefit to move to another house until the house sold, if you have started divorce proceedings. Whether there is any equity is another matter.

What I'm struggling to understand is why you come to ask for advice, then appear to find a reason why you can't act on said advice... when you were given advice regarding benefits, you then stated the reason you couldn't leave was due to your daughter...

As someone said earlier, the water is less scary than the jump, and you really should just make your mind up to jump or walk away from the cliff and stay where you are and say nothing more.

I really hope for your children's sake you decide to jump.

baboos this might answer your question

This thread is a good example of the 'Why don't you....yes, but" behaviour that Eric Berne identified as a game that people play. It comes from the Child Ego State.

Charbon - makes perfect sense.

I really do feel for the op, my sister was the same, took her years to leave... you can lead a horse to water and all that! She does regret not leaving sooner though!

My frustrations with her were that she would continually ask us for advice and help, which we would offer... then she would gear herself up and back down, making excuses as to why it wasn't the right time etc... and would repeat again in a few months. We stopped giving her advice in the end and she finally, in her own time left.

Cold hard fact - life is 100% easier on your own than in an abusive or failed relationship. It just is.
However leaving a relationship can seem harder in your head than staying iyswim. It actually isnt , but you think it is , until you do it and then you will wonder why you wasted so many years .