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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Very sad about a friendship going sour and its all MY FAULT

54 replies

veryworried29 · 23/03/2012 14:18

Namechanging long-termer here. I post under this name when its something sensitive or embarrassing or secret.

Basically I am a shit person with a shit attitude and I hate myself but I cannot do anything about this attitude. Or perhaps I can ... but how?

My oldest best friend (known her for 30 years) has done something I don't approve of, nothing illegal, and she has done it for (almost) understandable reasons ... but I can't get over it!!

I don't want to go into the specifics. It involves education (a v v v sensitive area I know) but it has made this subject undiscussable afaic, whereas she just wants to talk about it all the time.

I have been avoiding her for weeks ... feeling guilty ... want to get over myself.

Any ideas on how I can just let it go?

P.S. I know I will be judged on this but can we please take note of the fact that this is not an aibu? and I want to be nice, I really do, so please help me rather than flame me. Tia.

OP posts:

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 23/03/2012 14:30

So: she did something you don't like. You're having a hard time getting over it, and meanwhile she won't shut up about it. Is that the summary?

Can you say : "I would rather not discuss this" and switch to another topic next time she brings it up?

Meanwhile, what are you doing about your alleged bad attitude and avowed self-hatred? Those must not be nice feelings to carry around.

ScottOfTheArseAntics · 23/03/2012 14:32

Hmmmm. Tricky. Do you want her as your friend? Answer that question and proceed from there.

Original poster

veryworried29 · 23/03/2012 14:42

Scott - she has been my best friend for 30 years so I do very much want keep it going. I luffs her dearly. This thing she has done - its a bit like being a lifelong lefty and then suddenly voting Tory. Not even morally wrong but just rather unsettling (for me).

"Meanwhile, what are you doing about your alleged bad attitude and avowed self-hatred? Those must not be nice feelings to carry around." - I was hoping the collective wisdom of Mumsnet could help me with that HotDAMN.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/03/2012 14:43

What can be so bad about an educational choice that you can't get over it? Why not talk about it, agree to disagree, and clear the air rather than sit with gritted teeth, seething?

Flyonthewindscreen · 23/03/2012 14:44

I would carry on avoiding until the subject dies down, assuming the issue is something not worth throwing a 30 year friendship away over and not something that fundamentally changes the way you think about this friend. I'm surprised that this friend doesn't realise that you feel so strongly about whatever it is she has done, if she challenged you about avoiding her would you be able to say "I feel really uncomfortable that you lied to get your DC into school (or whatever it was), can we just not talk about it please?".

marathonrunner · 23/03/2012 14:46

I don't understand what she could have possibly done regarding education which could have annoyed you so much. Is it sending her kids to private school or something?? Need to know more really before giving advice.

springydaffs · 23/03/2012 14:50

so she's sent her children to private school. I had to do this. That may sound like a very strange word in this context but it's a long story and I never thought in a million years I would send my children to private school. Not in a zillion years, actually. But there we were. Or they were.

Anyway, enough about me. Is it her going on about it that is the issue for you, or the fact that she's done it? imo this can be quite a deal breaker if politics goes deep, as it seems to for you. I assume you're avoiding her because you can't Say It. But what would 'It' be? Would it be 'I can't believe you've done this' or 'Please don't talk about this, you know my views'?

Original poster

veryworried29 · 23/03/2012 14:52

I'm not going to go into the specifics marathonrunner but it is not something as simple as sending their child to public school (although I do have views about that whole system) but, no, its not that.

She (and her dp) have done something I don't really understand and I don't approve of. We have talked and talked and talked on the subject of secondary schooling as we both have dc of secondary age. I feel like I might snap if she tries to discuss it with me again. Maybe I should - clear the air?

OP posts:

Starwisher · 23/03/2012 14:54

It's hard to say without knowing what your friend has done....

springydaffs · 23/03/2012 14:58

Do we need to know what it is? I'm not sure we do tbh. the facts are that OP's friend has done something that strongly goes against OP's views on education and OP needs to work out how, or if, to address it.

pinkhebe · 23/03/2012 15:00

Are you my friend? We agreed to let our son go to boarding school which he loves. But it's a real elephant in the room when my friend comes over.

Queenofcake · 23/03/2012 15:02

My friend refused to speak to me after we decided to send out DC to boarding school.

I can except its not everyones choice. It was not what I planned 10 years ago at all. But somehow our life circumstances have meant we currenlty belive this is the best option for our family.

I dont look for approval from anyone. I am confident and happy in my choice , however a friend made it clear it was unacceptable to her. It made our friendship strained and spending time with her became an effort for me becaue every time the conversation came around to our children I found myself holding back things ykids were doing/not doing. i felt I could not moan about their messy bedrooms or moan about a teacher at their school because I just knew she was judging me.

In the end we just drifted apart. Its such a shame because we were great friends for a long long timell. I still have the happy memories from years ago and am not bitter towards her at all really but the bottom line is my kids are much higher on my list of priorities than any of my friends.

I dont know if this situation is similar to yours but if your differences are this big then perhaps your friendship has come to the end of its life and you need to move on.

At theend of the day people children will always come above their friendships - however special the friendship and avoiding conversation about your own/thei own kids is near impossible really because kids are such a massive part of our lives no matter what else we have as well with regards to jobs, houses, relationships etc etc

thezoobmeister · 23/03/2012 15:11

OP is asking for help with managing feelings, she knows she is being unreasonable, no need to slag her off. I think its normal to have negative feelings about really old friends sometimes - just like family, they can piss you off for no apparent reason.

OP - don't do anything to 'clear the air'! These are your feelings not hers - if she wants to talk about it all the time, likelihood is she doesn't even realise you have a problem with it.

I see no benefit whatsoever in an honest discussion of this issue and think a few weeks of cowardly avoidance and 1950s-style sweeping under carpet is totally called for. She'll eventually shut up then hopefully things can go back to normal. If not, worth thinking about whether there's anything deeper behind the negative feelings?

snoopdogg · 23/03/2012 15:20

Are they pretending to be Catholic (or any other faith) or using a fake address for catchment?

Either of these would be huge moral no-noes for me.

If it was me with such a long-standing friend I'd like to think I'd feel able to tell them I didn't approve of their action but valued the friendship and for the sake of that would prefer not to discuss the issue any further.

Starwisher · 23/03/2012 15:28

But maybe it won't be that bad, so we can get her to see humour in it or let go and move on

Or just see it in perspective

I suspect it's a religion thing too?

Blu · 23/03/2012 15:31

She is someone you love, and have had great times with. But she is entitled to do things very differently from you, and if she does, it doesn't mean she has done it because she despises YOUR values, and it doesn't make your views any less valid, her actions do not reflect on you as her friend. Being friends is about different people enjoying each other - she doesn't have to be the same as you. Value the fact that you have differnt opinions and sometimes make differnt choices. LISTEN to what she says, you might learn something - not change your opinion, but just learn more about her or a different pov.

And don't carp. Just say, about the issue, 'look friend, I love you in every way, but this si something I'm never going to quite get your view on - but never mind, good luck with it anyway, you know what you'r doing for you - now lets ahve a drink and talk about something else'. Or else really listen, with an open mind, and ask her open questions - and don't try to persuade her. then say 'fair enough, I really hope it works out, good luck!' and the subject will be done with and you can get on to other things.

ScottOfTheArseAntics · 23/03/2012 15:34

I bet she knows you have an issue. Could you not discuss it with her? If you don't think that will work for you then hoik up your undies because you'll have to hold it all in until she stops talking about it, which she will, eventually. She may only be talking about it because she senses you have an issue and wants to draw you out to clear the air.

fhdl34 · 23/03/2012 15:36

Shame to throw away a good friendship, can't you agree to disagree or doesn't she know you disagree?

takeonboard · 23/03/2012 15:38

I had a friend who behaved in a way I found appalling regarding one of her parents will and subsequent death. I tried and tried to get over it, telling myself that it was one negative and she had so many positives (and she does) but in the end I had to draw a line under the friendship and walk away as morally I just could not agree (or even believe) with what she had done.

I suppose it boils down to the person not being who you thought they were. I think that we all have deal breakers in relationships, its very sad to lose a freind though, sometimes ignorance is bliss

susiedaisy · 23/03/2012 15:45

What will be will be op sometimes friendships just come to an end, it is sad but there isn't always a way back, the same happened to me when my oldest and dearest friend did something really extreme we talked and talked and I tried as hard as I could to be supportive and to forget my own feelings about it, but eventually a year on it had damaged the friendship so much we had very little to hold on to and we had been friends for 29 years I still feel

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 23/03/2012 17:11

Well on that score, the collective wisdom of Mumsnet usually boils down to: 'You are a unique and valuable person who deserves better self-esteem; therapy can help you with that.'

Is that an option for you?

Dozer · 23/03/2012 21:46

I know it's not AIBU, but think you are being way too judgmental. But it's weird that your friend keeps going on and on to you about education, and ywnbu to change subject or whatever.

thisisyesterday · 23/03/2012 21:56

hmmmmmm

I really find it very difficult to accept it when people I know and care about do things I really disapprove of.
As much as I know that it is their lives and they can do things how they want, I just find it hard to deal with.

What I have been doing recently is trying very, very hard to accept that this is MY problem and not theirs. Clearly it's ridiculous to think that everyone would even want to do things "my" way, and while it may be upsetting for me I have to pretend not to be bothered.

I have a friend of 30 years too. A best friend. And I cannot imagine any situation where I wouldn't be able to say to her "M, I feel really strongly about this, however I respect your reasons/decision. I would rather we didn't talk about it though"
And I can't imagine that my friend would then push it if she knew I felt strongly about it

It is kind of hard to comment without knowing specifics I guess, but in a nutshell I think it boils down to

accepting that other people get to make whatever the fuck decisions they like about their lives
figuring out a way that lets you still be around those people without dwelling on those things or letting them bother you.

(number 2 is the biggie)

thisisyesterday · 23/03/2012 21:58

I have to say though, if it was something really dodgy like faking addresses to get into a school I would seriously not be able to stand it.
I wouldn't be able to be friends with someone like that I don't think

actually, I think I am on the autistic spectrum because anyone breaking "rules" really fucking upsets me. (among other things)

PurplePidjin · 23/03/2012 22:02

Is she really such a great friend if you can't be honest with her?

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