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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please tell me I'm jumping to conclusions...

67 replies

SpiderManMum · 22/03/2012 17:09

I'm going insane wondering what has happened to my usually caring, placid DH. Twice last week he came home from work having been drinking saying that he had work 'lunches'. I lost my rag with him one evening as it was the night before I was due to go into surgery and was feeling very anxious.

On the day of the op, DH refused to speak to me because of my so called behaviour and dropped me off at the hospital without a word of concern. I had to txt him that night to come and collect me which he did again without saying a word. He has maintained his 'couldn't care less' attitute with me for the past 6 days, sleeping in the spare room and not speaking. Last night he had another 'work do' and rolled in at 4am in the morning. When I went in the spare room to see him, he was sleeping with his phone in the bed with him and smelt very strongly of aftershave, which he never usually wears.

I have tried speaking with him over the past week about our relationship but he tells me he can't be bothered with it anymore. This is so out of character for him as he would always be the first to apologise and make up when we've had a row. I'm trying to work out what has suddenly changed and I'm starting to jump to conclusions that something/someone else is involved.

I looked at his phone this morning whilst he was in the shower (I know, not great behaviour) but he had deleted every email and txt message received and sent. Please tell me I'm being stupid? I don't know what to think anymore.

OP posts:
fiventhree · 22/03/2012 17:15

Really sorry to be brie when you are so upset,and unwell,but cooking dinner here.

From what you say,it couldnt be clearer- he is having an affair and is too much of a shit to tell you,but making you take the 'blame'instead.

fiventhree · 22/03/2012 17:15

brief!

DreamingofSummer · 22/03/2012 17:16

There's an OW I think

OlympicEater · 22/03/2012 17:19

Well I'd be jumping to the same conclusions too.

Sad for you

gettingeasier · 22/03/2012 17:21

Hang on , you say "usually" so is this something that has started in the last couple of weeks ?

HoudiniHissy · 22/03/2012 17:21

You are not seemingly jumping to conclusions.

Brace yourself. I think you have a discovery coming.

Pack a bag for him.

Sit him down and tell him to come clean or he takes the bag and leaves TODAY.

You have to show him there are consequences for his behaviour. the bigger the consequences you are prepared to invoke, the more it's likely to shock him into packing it all in and toeing the line.

IF You want him back of course. The choice IS, and always will be YOURS.

Original poster
SpiderManMum · 22/03/2012 17:26

Oh god, i feel physically sick. I don't think I can speak to him at all if/when he comes home tonight I'm shaking.

OP posts:
HoudiniHissy · 22/03/2012 17:29

... that is of course if he comes in before 4am...

I'm so sorry. I wish I could take that horrid feeling away from you. What time is he due home?

We'll hold your hand chuck, if you need it holding...

scarlettsmummy2 · 22/03/2012 17:30

He may not actually be having an affair, but simply is unhappy in the relationship. Hope you are ok x

HoudiniHissy · 22/03/2012 17:32

You don't need to delete phone history/sleep with a phone/wear aftershave if you are merely unhappy in a relationship Sad

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 22/03/2012 17:38

Doesn't look very good I must say, but you won't know until you sit him down and force a conversation. He might be doing these things to wind you up and make you feel anxious/jealous to get a reaction from you, or there may indeed be something worse going on. However, you need to tackle it ASAP. We will be here if you need us.

fiventhree · 22/03/2012 17:47

I agree with HH.

And you dont need to manufacture a row, sleep in the spare room or leave your partner in hospital. Whilst having alot of fun yourself.

MySunshineInGreySkies · 22/03/2012 17:56

It does sound suspicious. Hope you're doing ok.

Original poster
SpiderManMum · 22/03/2012 18:07

Thank you so much for the offers of support, I think I'm going to need it. I am trying to give DS his tea and help with homework but i have a lump in my throat and my heart is racing.

I just don't know what to do, do I just confront him with it only for him to tell me I'm being stupid or try to get evidence that there is another woman? This behaviour just isn't him, its like a different man came home last week from the one I knew.

I'm so affraid for our DS, it would destroy him if we split. He is due home at 7pm tonight but I have no idea if he is going to turn up and even if he does how I am supposed to behave with him?

OP posts:
HoudiniHissy · 22/03/2012 18:23

My love. It will not destroy you, nor will it destroy your DS.

You will get through whatever comes your way, and so will your boy.

Some DC have even worse things to get through, like understanding their dad was abusive to their mum, seeing the fall out from that. Splitting up is painful, if it even comes to that, it may not.

Take one step at a time. Try not to think the worst, but be ready for it if it comes.

this limbo period is excruciating I know.

The best approach to adopt is cool, calm and collected. Don't try to tell HIM what you know, more I know what you are up do... down to you to deny it.

Don't shout, in fact lower your voice so it's quieter than usual. He will expect you to be hysterical, so wrong-foot him by being the opposite. It'll help you think, and it'll help you recall what he tells you.

Xales · 22/03/2012 18:23

It doesn't look good to me from what you have posted sorry Sad I would just suggest packing him a bag and asking him to go elsewhere for a week or so while you decide if you want to continue a relationship with a man who treats you so badly.

If he has any respect for you he will give you this space and reflect on what he is risking. If he goes to another woman at least.you will then know.

Hopefully it is just stress and worry from your op. That does not excuse his actions. It may give him a wake up call.

Make an appointment with a solicitor so you know where you stand. Hopefully you will not have to use it however knowledge is power and peice of mind and you cannot be 'threatened'.

Please also consider getting yourself to a STI clinic. Just in case...

Flightty · 22/03/2012 18:25

Hello,

just another hand to hold here. Try to keep breathing, nothing has changed today, it's alright, whatever you find out, it doesn't change what's already happening.

Have you got anyone in real life who could come and be with you when he gets home?

Could you and ds go somewhere? to someone's house, or even just out for a drive? To give yourself some space.

It sounds really horrible and I am sorry you're going through this. Hard to say if anyone else is involved but try not to focus on that - it sounds like he's behaving very strangely, whatever anyone else might be doing. Another woman isn't the point, it's not strictly relevant at the moment.

just try to focus on getting across that you are very upset, and he is doing a lot of damage, and it isn't fair on ds.

If you're able to talk to DH away from DS that would be brilliant but I understand that may not be possible tonight.

We are here xx

RightFedUp · 22/03/2012 18:25

I'm so sad for you. I have some experience with this.
I think you should be very calm and reasonable. He sounds as if he is trying to provoke a row by behaving unreasonably. If there is an OW, I think he may be trying to provoke a scene so he can be 'thrown out' and not take responsibility for leaving himself. Or he is possibly wracked with guilt so is not behaving in his ususal way. My DH was horrible in the run up to his revealing his affair - not his usual behaviour.
I know it's hard, but try not to jump to conclusions or make big decisions quickly. You need to find out why he's behaving like this. If it's an affair - dignified behaviour and lots of fact finding is good. The anger etc can come later.
FWIW my DH and I are still together 9 months later but it's hard work and a long journey.
Good luck, sweetheart.

StealthPolarBear · 22/03/2012 18:32

I think you need to ask him, Insist he talks to you. You're owed that much. He may not be having an affair but may be on the verge of starting one.

MadAboutHotChoc · 22/03/2012 19:00

I agree there is an OW and that you need to tell him to either come clean or pack his bags.

Good luck x

AgathaFusty · 22/03/2012 19:01

Talk to him. It may be nothing, and it does sound like a very fast change in behaviour. It it turns out to be bad, you will cope and so will your child.

Good luck for tonight x.

Flightty · 23/03/2012 06:46

how are you now?

crestico · 23/03/2012 07:38

sounds awful :(
sounds like he's checked out.
best way to a solution is to figure out why.
easiest way is to talk to him.
good luck!

AnyFucker · 23/03/2012 07:52

Force him to tell you what is going on

And be prepared for something you don't want to hear

or worse, he will continue to distance himself and lie to you

I know which I would prefer...

LiarsWife · 23/03/2012 08:21

Mine slept with his phone and deleted everything ... and denied denied denied until I had proof

Sorry you are going through this .. Did you manage to have a chat with him?