Please tell me I'm jumping to conclusions...

[SpiderManMum]

I'm going insane wondering what has happened to my usually caring, placid DH. Twice last week he came home from work having been drinking saying that he had work 'lunches'. I lost my rag with him one evening as it was the night before I was due to go into surgery and was feeling very anxious.

On the day of the op, DH refused to speak to me because of my so called behaviour and dropped me off at the hospital without a word of concern. I had to txt him that night to come and collect me which he did again without saying a word. He has maintained his 'couldn't care less' attitute with me for the past 6 days, sleeping in the spare room and not speaking. Last night he had another 'work do' and rolled in at 4am in the morning. When I went in the spare room to see him, he was sleeping with his phone in the bed with him and smelt very strongly of aftershave, which he never usually wears.

I have tried speaking with him over the past week about our relationship but he tells me he can't be bothered with it anymore. This is so out of character for him as he would always be the first to apologise and make up when we've had a row. I'm trying to work out what has suddenly changed and I'm starting to jump to conclusions that something/someone else is involved.

I looked at his phone this morning whilst he was in the shower (I know, not great behaviour) but he had deleted every email and txt message received and sent. Please tell me I'm being stupid? I don't know what to think anymore.

Third what Wannabe says.

Just to add though, use the rest of the afternoon to get as much paperwork copied or removed as you can - statements, pension stuff, certificates, shares, andything to do with mortgage/rent, your childs passport (just in case). If possible, get it out of your house and in safe-keeping with someone you trust, otherwise, make sure it is really well hidden. He will have been planning for a while, you need to make sure he is not squirreling money/pensions etc away so that you can't access them. Might be worth getting some cash out of your bank too, in case he tries to freeze your bank accounts?

Even before you do all of that though, you must get yourself an appointment with a family law solicitor (free half hour at least) so that you can find out your rights etc. If there is another woman, she will be pulling his strings and fighting for her/their corner against you.

Another word of warning, he has probably taken legal advice already (my DH did, aided and abetted by OW - he was well ahead in the game ).

I know you are in shock - I was totally traumatised when my DH did this - but I would urge you to get angry and take control now. I also think there is an OW involved, you cannot compete with the fantasy and addiction of an affair but you can show them that they will not have it all their own way, there is a price to pay and you are not going to take things lying down.

Start by packing him a bag, tell him to pick it up and stay with his "mate" tonight, tell his and your family what he has done and get has much RL support as you can. I was amazed at the support I got from unlikely sources eg mothers at school taking the DCs for extra playdates etc.

Take care and start putting yourself first.

Spider - how are you?

Everything that has already been mentioned is true. My DH left three weeks ago. In the night like a coward at the asking of OW. I was/still am completely cut to the core about it, . I felt the same - the opportunity of saving our relationship was removed by me because someone else was pulling his strings amongst other things. My DH also tried to backdate the end of the marriage so he didnt feel guilty about what he has put myself and my two young children through. Seek legal advice asap - i thought I'd done the wrong thing by seeing a sols a week after he had left but it needs to be done. After that you can consider where you need to go next. you will also need to contact:
CSA, HMRC (Child credits), council to reduce council tax to one person (you should get a 25% discount), if you have a joint account get money quickly, check who owns cars - the log book doesnt prove who owns a car just who the keeper is, a contactable address for DH - if he doesnt have one then its up to you whether he has contact with DS or not afterall you need to be thinking of keeping him safe, establish some contact details - times, places, establishing rules such as no third party etc.

I know that this seems a bit overpowering but you need to think ahead and create some stability for your DS. i cut off friends and family becuase my DH encourgaged me to depend solely on him but everyone was there when I needed them. They have been a great source of help and inspiration to me.

But most of all take nothing he says to be truthful. He will lie and lie to save his own skin. he will make out this is your fault when its not. He will lie to your child about why he is leaving, mine did several times but demand that he tells he the truth from the outset. Rremember he is not your friend, I always believed my DH was my best friend but friends would never do this to you.

I say all this with a heavy heart. I wouldnt wish what you are going through one my worst enermy so hold your DS close and remember you are his mother and you are creating a better male for the future. Take care XXX

oh spider I have just read your thread and it seems there is OW involved.

You have been given great advice, please take heed.

The one thing that stood out for me "he hasnt given me a chance to fix it"

You cant fix it. He doesnt want to fix it. Nothing you say or do will change things.

'He knows that his behaviour is unreasonable and that it isn't the way someone in a loving relationship would behave towards their wife which has made him realise that we should separate.'

Okay, well for a start, it's fairly obvious from this that he's been acting like an arse in the hope that you will tell him off about it, and he can use that as an excuse to end the marriage. Great idea, DH.

So instead, when you didn't tell him off or make a row about it, he admits that the behaviour he's been demonstrating isn't the way a loving person would behave, and THAT has made him realise that you should separate! Oh, instead of, for example, him trying to stop behaving like a jerk? No, can't be done, sorry. What a total twit.

I am so, so sorry for you that you're going through this and if there is anything we can help with, don't hesitate to ask. Keep posting if it helps you. And I second not believing anything he says, and telling as many people as possible, because he clearly hasn't done it yet so now's the time to get your side of the story out there. Say he asked you not to tell anyone, that you've no idea what's going on and you need their help.

My feeling is that yes, he has someone else, but frankly the way he has behaved makes me think she has herself a booby prize. And she isn't the issue...he is, big time.

Sending my love and I do hope you are managing alright.

So sorry you are going through this

No matter how much it hurts, right now this man is not your friend. He has abandoned you when you are in a really vulnerable position having just had surgery. No friend would do that.

The complete detachment suggests he left your relationship a while ago. I am sure if you think about it, it will dawn on you when this cooling off and detaching started. To him you are no longer his wife and partner you are his ex and you cannot trust him. Do not make any agreements with him now until you have had time to sort though this all.

Agree with everyone else. Start getting all your paperwork in order. Get to a solicitor and find out what you are entitled to. Get onto the council, benefits, bank, council tax anyone and everyone you can to sort your finances.

Also now you no longer have any responsibility towards meals, clothing, anything for this man. He is responsible for his own pants and socks or he can palm them off to your replacement.

Please do get an STI test for your peace of mind.

Look after yourself and any children you have (sorry missed if you posted you had them). You are more important than him.

Op, sorry your'e going through this

I too believe there is someone else so if I were you I'd tell him to piss off now.

At first his OW might seem great in his eyes but believe you me, in time he will be cheating on her too. Not only that but she will never be able to trust him as she knows what he's capable of and I bet she will give him nothing but grief eventually !

All the evidence shows that they wake up quickly if you chuck them out and their world starts to crumble. It forces them much more quickly and before their new relationship is ready to face the mess they have created, and account for themselves publicly. They have nowhere to live, or somewhere crap, or the OWs house, which they did not plan maybe to live in. So the new relationship is strained.

Better than putting up with it for the wife, and possibly less painful. And it does galvanise the wife into protecting her interests.

I wouldn't be advocating that if he had just met someone, fallen in love and been honest and respectful with you about it.

I mean yes it would still be awful but he has multiplied the pain by the way he has acted, which I find absolutely shocking. There's the disrespect. He deserves nothing at all from the OP.

Xales, that is a really excellent post.

brilliant, brilliant posts from everybody so far

OP, listen to the women on your thread

they know what's what

Not only do I think that he's met someone, but I think she's married. If she was single, he could have moved in with her straightaway.

You're in an awful situation, OP, and I'm so sorry. As AF says, listen to the women on here - unfortunately there's a wealth of experience about this sort of thing on MN.

I am so sorry to read your posts :(

I'm 5 months down the line from a similar conversation with my H,and I felt utterly blindsided just like you. I tried to 'work on things' and save my marriage all through Nov/Dec, doubting myself, feeling ugly, worthless and boring (reasons he gave me for not thinking it would work - cheers!)

In the end, 10 weeks ago (just before he would have had me go through the rigmarole of marriage counselling etc) I discovered absolute evidence of the OW. I'm now officially separated with one DS and another on the way... it feels horrendous, shocking, painful and bewildering. Believe me, no matter what the next weeks and months have in store for you, it's NOT your fault. Your H has behaved appallingly.

I know that I would have and did defend my H to the bitter end over suggestions he was seeing someone else - he was 'too nice' a 'family man' he 'wouldn't do that to me' and 'was probably depressed' (the lines he gave me). In the end I realised very few things cause a person to detach completely from their primary emotional relationship. One of those few things is another emotional relationship. The others are much less likely - a complete breakdown for example!

Please surround yourself with love and help right now. Even if you don't believe there is another woman, you still need the same advice as he is asking to end your marriage. You need to know about money, benefits, your home and his plans to see your DS for starters. Forewarned is forearmed - give yourself a chance to feel slightly more in control than you do right now, its just advice but you will be glad to have it should you need to act on it soon.

You have had some wonderful advice. Nothing to add apart from hand holding as everything has been said.

i am so so sorry op. I have been where you are. Devastated that I wasn't even allowed to try and make my marriage work (when actually right the way thru the bit when he was withdrawing, I hadn't changed and was myself).

He swears 7 yr later there was no ow, but there was someone in his ear i am quite sure, or an EAffair at least. He didn't talk to me about leaving, would not allow any talk afterwards of why or how it happened. Just left.

I truly wish i had had mumsnet then, and i hope you fond some solace here with us. xxx

how are you today, OP ?

What wannabe and xales said is all great advice. Chuck him out TODAY.

we see this over and over on MN sadly. Perhaps it should be the next MN book, how to deal with a cheating twunt. So sorry for you OP but you need to get angry and take action.