Please tell me I'm jumping to conclusions...

[SpiderManMum]

I'm going insane wondering what has happened to my usually caring, placid DH. Twice last week he came home from work having been drinking saying that he had work 'lunches'. I lost my rag with him one evening as it was the night before I was due to go into surgery and was feeling very anxious.

On the day of the op, DH refused to speak to me because of my so called behaviour and dropped me off at the hospital without a word of concern. I had to txt him that night to come and collect me which he did again without saying a word. He has maintained his 'couldn't care less' attitute with me for the past 6 days, sleeping in the spare room and not speaking. Last night he had another 'work do' and rolled in at 4am in the morning. When I went in the spare room to see him, he was sleeping with his phone in the bed with him and smelt very strongly of aftershave, which he never usually wears.

I have tried speaking with him over the past week about our relationship but he tells me he can't be bothered with it anymore. This is so out of character for him as he would always be the first to apologise and make up when we've had a row. I'm trying to work out what has suddenly changed and I'm starting to jump to conclusions that something/someone else is involved.

I looked at his phone this morning whilst he was in the shower (I know, not great behaviour) but he had deleted every email and txt message received and sent. Please tell me I'm being stupid? I don't know what to think anymore.

Oh mine too, even at Relate he denied it.He denied it for 5 years,almost yearly!

They fall into two camps, from what I see on here- most deny until they are blue in the face, there is nothing they wont say, and a few come clean straightaway, or soon after.

At least you have some understanding of what is going on. My DH left having an affair without me knowing anything at all. I broke down when he left and the coward left in the night and only told me about the affair once he was and hour and a half drive away from home and by phone - but only when I asked!

Just make sure you are clear about what you want otherwise you can find that this 'happens' to you and you have no control. Good luck!

Thank you for the kind messages. We had a talk last night, he didn't want too but I forced it. He says he has been unhappy in our relationship for a long time but hasn't been able to tell me. He knows that his behaviour is unreasonable and that it isn't the way someone in a loving relationship would behave towards their wife which has made him realise that we should separate. I broke down and sobbed and he just sat their without any emotion at all.

I asked if ther is anyone else involved, which he denies but I just can't see what has happened for all this to come out now. He was very calm and reasonable and said that he would change our mortagage so that he could continue to pay his share whilst being able to afford to rent a flat so DS and I could stay put. He would still want to be a big part of our DS's life.

I am just so stunned by his total lack of emotion. I begged him to try counselling or to have a second chance but he isn't sure it is a good idea. He doesn't want to move out straight away but wants to get all the finances etc sorted before packing up and telling anyone. In the meantime he said he will use the spare room.

I cried myself to sleep last night, I just don't know what to do. He did look a bit concerned about me this morning which I thought was a glimmer of hope until he said he was going out with his (male) friend from work tonight to talk about things. He dropped this literally as I was putting on my shoes to take DS to school. I said that I had made plans to go to a friends house for dinner tonight (which is true) and he just said he would see what he could do. I've no idea if that means he will cancel or if I will have to spend another night alone. How can you just stop loving someone in the space of a few days. I just feel devastated.

The lack of emotion is not a good sign - this detachment suggests that his emotions are engaged elsewhere. There is nothing you can do to change things except to let him go.

I would insist that he babysits so that you get to see your friend in order to get the support you need to cope with his behaviour. I would bet that his male friend is the OW.

OP I'm so sorry. This must be very harrowing for you.
Even though it seems likely that someone else is involved, I'm not going to speculate on that. I think the real issue, is that he has made it clear that he longer wishes to be in the marriage. He seems pretty much resolute.

I think you need to see your friend tonight. He can put off whatever it is he says he's doing, and step up because, let's face it - he has dropped a bombshell on you and he should take responsibility for that.

Poor you. xxx

I would bet his male friend is the OW too ... ('my' OW was Brian, Derek or Jim ..)

You've probably brought forward whatever he was planning on doing with her by confronting him and he needs to go and talk it through with her

I agree with Madabout Sounds like he's already emotionally detatched ..

Sorry you are going through this .. but it will get better x

But he hasn't even given me a chance to make our relationship better? How can you just decide a marriage is over just like that without doing everything you can to save it first. I really just don't understand, this has just come out of nowhere.

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how sad you must feel.

I was hoping there would be a better outcome. I am glad you've got a friend to go and see. Is your family nearby? x

As is always said on threads like yours and, yes, there are a lot of us out here, see if you can get hold of the Shirley Glass book 'Not Just Friends'. Like hotchoc and liarswife I am putting my next month's salary on the 'friend' being OW and on you having brought forward the timing of their plans: he is not staying to sort out the finances; he and OW have not finished furnishing their love nest. I am sorry to be so brutal, really I am, :( and would like use my brutality to beat these men senseless with an iron bar. As that is illegal, may I suggest a lawyer ASAP for you (even just to talk possible scenarios through) and the nearest Travelodge for him.

I don't think you should give him the luxury of waiting until all finances etc are sorted and people have been told. He has told you he is going, so he should go, not put you through the pain of having him still living there but knowing he is going. This weekend seems as good a time as any for him to fuck off.

Get yourself some legal advice ASAP - it seems to me that he has been planning this and is calling all the shots. You can't let that happen, you must protect yourself and your child financially.

Talk to whoever you can about this. Don't let him dictate when family/friends are told, don't let him cut off your support network in this way when you so badly need it.

If he goes out straight from work tonight, thereby not giving you the chance to see your friend at her house, get your friend round to yours instead (warn her beforehand that this might happen). You NEED support at this time.

"But he hasn't even given me a chance to make our relationship better? How can you just decide a marriage is over just like that without doing everything you can to save it first. I really just don't understand, this has just come out of nowhere."

OP, if he had just been unhappy in your relationship, you would have seen it before this, surely? One can only conclude that he doesn't want to save it because a new option has come along and he wants to take it... not because he is merely "not happy".

He has behaved badly. But please don't let him have the upper hand here. You deserve more than this. Cut yourself off from him emotionally and move on.

Easy for me to say. It will be very hard. Remember to take care of yourself as well as your little one.

But he hasn't even given me a chance to make our relationship better? How can you just decide a marriage is over just like that without doing everything you can to save it first. I really just don't understand, this has just come out of nowhere

Because there is someone else involved, so he doesn't want to save your relationship. I would stake a year's salary that there is an OW involved here.

I don't think he wants the chance to save it OP. I think he has made his mind up.
I do think that he is having an affair, and the friend he is seeing tonight, is the OW.

If he's so adamant then tell him to hurry up and GTF. He can't expect to hang around your home together, while he sorts out the love nest at his leisure!

SMM, Im so sorry that this has happened to you, I have recently come through a similar situation.....

After 15 years together EXDP told me he wasnt happy, didnt love me anymore and had met someone else....20 minutes later he went.

For me too the hardest thing to accept was the detachment he demonstrated towards me, he was cold, uncaring and not interested in how devastated i was...I now know that of course he had been detaching from me for some time and that is why is was so easy for him to leave....

This all happened two and half weeks ago and i am slowly feeling more optimistic, I personally think that you shouldn't give him the opportunity to drag this out, making it more painful for you......ask him to leave. I think you must assume that there is OW, he just isn't man enough to admit it.

I'm sorry but don't expect what he says to correspond with the truth as you remember it. Start protecting yourself. Gather all the financial information you can, and ideally store it or copies outside the home. See a solicitor.
And most important get RL support.

Oh dear, I too see OW out there somewhere.
Of course he wants to stay in the house.....he hasn't told her yet and wants to get things set up smoothly with her first.
It is extremely unusual for a man to leave, even if he is unhappy in a marriage, UNTIL he has got another one lined up first, IYSWIM. Men who are unhappily married will just carry on with the wife and when another prospect comes along, that's when he detatches completely and leaves, not before.
He wants to sort out the finances? Yes so he can try to ensure he gets the lion's share. You need to get all financial records together asap and then see a solicitor.
Yes, you feel like shit atm, but you'll feel even worse when he's buggered off with all the money.

I imagine the affair has been going on for some time and he has had plenty of time to deal with it and move on - the change has probably been because he and OW have decided its time to move on and tell you and he was probably supposed to at the beginning of the week and cowardly coming home late etc. to avoid doing it- I imagine the phone in bed was to stop OW doing it for him so he could lie about her not existing.
It's not fair as far as he's concerned this has all been thought through sorted and discussed (him and OW) so he has no care for the fact that you haven't had the same opportunity to come to terms with it -
he's a first class shit and you can tell him to get out now - don't care where he goes but he has lost all rights to stay with you .
I'm so for you - remember we're all here for you and MN is the best place to hold hands.

O course there is another woman.

But think of this:

• he was unhappy and didnt say so

-he made no effort to sort it out -he has been 'discovered' prematurely -he was planning to leave, but the timing is not right for him

• he doesnt care you have been in hospital and he has dropped this on you, and lied to boot, he wants to go out tonight- he will- whilst you struggle alone

-he wants to get finances in order first to his advantage

Why let him get away with it? Either have him followed to see his OW tonight, or hide all the paperwork now and tell him not to come home

And tell RL family asap.

As Madabout will tell you, and any book you read on this, chucking him out now will have the effect of bringing his comfortable world crashing down, and the OW and his new life will look a bit less rosy then.

five is right - please listen to her, you need to protect yourself and the DC financially.

Remember he has probably been planning this for some time which is why he is finding it so easy to check out of the marriage.

I also second reading Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends.

Take care.

He has.

How lovely he is, to dump this on the OP, and after the week she has had, whilst keeping the real reason to himself. Thus enabling him to blame her for the marriage, and escape responsibility.

And expecting to stay, whilst holding all the cards and the real picture in his head.

And even going out for the evening. Charming.

I expect he wants his washing done this weekend too.

This is the typical action of a man who is having an affair, and the guilt is making him justify his actions to himself by making you out to be the badguy. Am suprised he has not told you yet that the breakdown of your marriage and his unhappiness is all your fault.
Plank!

op men rarely leave unless they have somewhere to go.

He's played his hand now, time for you to take control. so:

Ring his mother and tell her you have split up. Ditto yours and any other family/friends you know about, and tell them why - it's because he has said he doesn't love you any more.

Then ring him and say "well, you decided that you want us to separate, that's fine, that's obviously what you want, so I think you need to move out tomorrow. I've told your family and friends that we're splitting up and why, I don't see why I should be the one to keep it secret given it wasn't my choice in the first place, and I will be going out at 7:30 tonight. I am the one in need of a friend and support, not you, as this was your decision. So you can come home tonight and pack your bags while I'm out, and then move out in the morning. We will sort the finances and access arrangements after that.

Everything Wannabe says in spades!

It's uncanny how people 'backdate' the ending of their marriage so as not to have it blamed on their own infidelity.

Whatever: take control, as Wannabe says, in fact use his/her third paragraph as a script.

Take care; good luck; be strong; it gets better from now on.