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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH watches porn upstairs in the middle of the day whilst the kids watch tv

57 replies

porncrapcontinues · 22/03/2012 10:16

I have a long running issue with my husbands addiction to porn. He said he had stopped. I checked his laptop last night (he was out) and he has been on Cam4 again but this time it was at 2oclock in the afternoon. I was at carboot and the children were watching a dvd on the telly. I am fucking furious and he slept on the sofa but tried to justify it saying that he knew the kids were down stairs and whats the harm.

Our children have not witnessed any stuff on the computer but I feel he has crossed yet another line. I told him we are seperating. Just after some more opinions on this particular incident. I have name changed. I will be dipping in and out have a friend over soon.
TIA

OP posts:
Original poster
porncrapcontinues · 22/03/2012 10:17

oh and we have no sex, I have no desire for him anymore and this is all linked to impotence so it was pretty shit anyway. Complicated.

OP posts:
Hassled · 22/03/2012 10:20

If you can't live with it, then you can't live with it. I know I couldn't.

And while your DCs might have to access to the porn computer at the moment, sooner or later they will come across it - he'll forget to shut down/alt-tab/whatever, they'll get more IT-savvy and want to play on Daddy's PC - it will happen.

RabidEchidna · 22/03/2012 10:26

Your children will end up seeing it, I can tell you that as a fact.
You need to tell him it stops or he has to leave, and you need to mean it

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/03/2012 10:33

Any addictive/obsessive behaviour, especially when it is interfering with the ability to lead a normal family life is a serious problem. If you needed to check his laptop you can't trust him anyway. He lied when he said it had stopped. The children weren't being watched while he selfishly indulged himself. If he says 'what's the harm?' that's what you reply. He's a liar, he's selfis and you can't trust him with the children. It's gone way beyond a casual wank.

Original poster
porncrapcontinues · 22/03/2012 14:32

Thanks for the replies. You are confirming what I feel. I need to get really tough with him if our marriage has a future. I can not and will not have my children put at risk Sad
In most other ways he is a decent guy with a good job. There has been lots of other internet crap in the past though. Maybe its time to call it a day. I have no job, little family (infact I am a carer for my gran - my mum has died) god knows how I will cope.
The thing is I really think he is addicted.

OP posts:
tantrumsandballoons · 22/03/2012 14:36

Do you think he is addicted to porn?

I can't imagine anyone feeling in the mood to go upstairs and watch it whilst children are downstairs in the middle of the day otherwise.

And the fact that he has lied to you and broken your trust makes it a serious issue.

Is the porn addiction the reason why you don't have sex?

shebird · 22/03/2012 14:46

He's got serious issues to do his while his kids are around! He needs help and also you put some extra parental controls on your computer so at least the temptation is removed. I think you can get these sites restricted and password blocked maybe?

thisisyesterday · 22/03/2012 14:49

do you need opinions if you're separating anyway?

he sounds like a dick. if he really can't get through the day without having to go and watch porn instead of looking after his children then he needs help.

i would have lobbed the computer out of the window

Original poster
porncrapcontinues · 22/03/2012 14:52

Yes tantrumsandballoons I do beleive he is addicted and he has said as much, after I bought "the porn trap" (good book)
I had a baby 7 months ago and discovered he was still logged on to a live internet webcamming site about 5 months ago. Since then I have not wanted him to touch me. He has killed it. He has had an internet affair with a hooker from the philapines and spent thousands on porn too. This is over the course of our marriage. He has lied over and over again. I just don't find him attractive anymore after all that. I do not want to be a hole for him to wank into whilst his real fantasies are in his head. I am paranoid and furious.

OP posts:
tantrumsandballoons · 22/03/2012 14:53

I would have lobbed him out of the window after it as well!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/03/2012 14:55

"god knows how I will cope"

You will cope. You'd cope financially because, if he has a good job, you and the children would be entitled to financial support plus state help on top. You'd cope mentally because you wouldn't be constantly stressed worrying about his behaviour and you wouldn't be sharing your home with someone you can neither trust nor respect.

You cannot cure someone else's addiction - only they can do that for themselves when they're good and ready. They are unlikely to change their behaviour if there are no consequences to carrying on. (And at the moment there aren't) They are more likely to change their behaviour if they can see there are serious repercussions. Losing a family should be serious enough for any man to change his ways.

thisisyesterday · 22/03/2012 14:55

why are you even still with him after all that?

tantrumsandballoons · 22/03/2012 14:55

OP does he know all of this, the reasons WHY you don't want to have sex with him?

If he does, and is still using porn instead of trying to make it work with you, I guess you know where you stand.

He sounds very disrespectful tbh

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/03/2012 14:59

"I am paranoid and furious."

You may be furious but paranoia in my dictionary is "Suspicion and mistrust of people or their actions without evidence or justification". You are responding perfectly rationally based on repeated actual evidence and with total justification - that's not paranoid in the slightest.

Original poster
porncrapcontinues · 22/03/2012 15:04

I said I wasn't interested in starting our sexual relationship back up until I felt I could trust him again., but every time I get close to believing him he does something else.

Iknow he is probably frustrated and I have no objections to him having a wank, its the live webcam bit and the porn that gets me. I just feel no desire to be intimate with him now its all so seedy and pathetic Sad PLus I am breastfeeding so have very little libido. If I am not giving out does that mean i am sabotaging his recovery? He says this is the first time in months and he didn't do anything as he felt bad. But I just keep thinking the children were downstairs - how could you???

But is it just too late to save? Anyone ever come back from the brink of divorce and been happy? Thats a different thread i guess.
Thanks for all the input x

OP posts:
Original poster
porncrapcontinues · 22/03/2012 15:05

thisisyesterday I am still with him as I have young children and want them to have a happy normal upbringing Sad

OP posts:
tantrumsandballoons · 22/03/2012 15:08

No you are most certainly not sabotaging his recovery
One of the main reasons you don't want to sleep with him is because he is watching porn whilst your children are downstairs after he promised not to.
You don't have to feel pressured into having sex if you don't want to, so he doesn't "need" to watch porn at 2pm

dreamingbohemian · 22/03/2012 15:19

Of course you want your DC to have a normal upbringing, but it's your DH who is ruining this for them.

Don't sacrifice yourself when he's the one being a massive twat.

What did he say when you said you're separating?

Is he going to move out?

None of this is your fault. Decent men do not do this. I'm sure he will try to turn it into your fault but it's not, please believe that.

Hullygully · 22/03/2012 15:20

he is just vile

MadAboutHotChoc · 22/03/2012 15:24

Having a porn addicted father does not make for a normal happy upbringing Sad

What if they catch him in the act? Come across the porn while using the computer - as someone has already said, its a matter of when not if. These are the kind of things that will fuck up your precious DC's minds Sad

A father who makes the mother of his DC unhappy and spends family money on porn is not the kind of man your DC need as a father.

fussbucket · 22/03/2012 15:29

This the first time, ever, that I have felt it appropriate to use the traditional MN shout of Leave the Bastard and actually mean it.

Original poster
porncrapcontinues · 22/03/2012 15:35

Sad fuck fuck fuck. my poor children. My poor wonderful mother and father in law Sad
Thanks for all the replies

OP posts:
Original poster
porncrapcontinues · 22/03/2012 16:02

madabouthotchoc Is that from personal experience? If so how did it effect you? How did you become aware of it? Hope you don't mind me asking.

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 22/03/2012 16:13

you know what, i think you could potentially salvage your relationship if you both want to.

for me that would have to include the following things:
no computer in the house, to inc internet enabled phones
him undergoing treatment and/or counselling for his impotence issues and his porn "addiction"
some form of relationship counselling for you both so you can figure out what you both want/need to happen

it may also involve him moving out for a while. given that you've told him you are separating maybe that is the first step? he moves out, you both have some space to think and decide if you want to do something about it?

your children will be far more damaged (IMO) by growing up in a house with parents who resent each other and have no relationship themselves.
that isn't even starting on the possibility of them coming across his porn

tallwivglasses · 22/03/2012 16:24

'My poor wonderful mother and father in law'

Tell them everything (including the £1000's spent on the hooker). Maybe that will shame him into stopping/getting help. But even if he does stop and regain your trust, that doesn't mean you have to stay with him - I couldn't. It just gives your relationship a fighting chance.