DH watches porn upstairs in the middle of the day whilst the kids watch tv

[porncrapcontinues]

I have a long running issue with my husbands addiction to porn. He said he had stopped. I checked his laptop last night (he was out) and he has been on Cam4 again but this time it was at 2oclock in the afternoon. I was at carboot and the children were watching a dvd on the telly. I am fucking furious and he slept on the sofa but tried to justify it saying that he knew the kids were down stairs and whats the harm.

Our children have not witnessed any stuff on the computer but I feel he has crossed yet another line. I told him we are seperating. Just after some more opinions on this particular incident. I have name changed. I will be dipping in and out have a friend over soon.
TIA

Its a long story but my H was a secret internet porn user (not a heavy user like yours is and H always used his work laptop not the family computer which is why it went undetected for so long) and then had an affair.

As part of our recovery, we did a lot of reading about the porn industry, had counselling and agreed on boundaries. One of the dealbreakers I came up with is not using porn again - our research into the porn industry really opened our eyes.

We have read stories about how children have unwittingly come across porn and given how computer savvy children can be, its so easy for them to come across it esp if the family computer is being used to access porn. There are reports out there about the damage seeing porn can do to children's views of sexuality and relationships.

Your H has to want to stop using porn - being his monitor will not work, he will just find other ways of accessing it. This is why you and your H needs to do some research and reading about the realities of the porn industry.

I think your H is probably addicted - the fact that he sneaked off to have a wank while babysitting his DC is worrying. Its going to be a very tough journey

If you want some useful links, try doing a search on MN.

Thanks madabouthotchoc Its his work laptop but now he has one of those phones that are linked to the net too. I bought the porn trap, he read it and identified with it. He is an addict I think. i am not prepared to police him,in effect parent him, he needs to do it himself or there is no hope. I just want a normal relationship.

I take it your husband is "cured"? Is your relationship on track? better? the same? worse? Sorry for the questions trying to see the wood for the trees.

I really think porn and the internet is like a hidden creeping sickness that destroys families and twists reality so no porn is a deal breaker for me.

My H wasn't an addict so it wasn't a case of curing him - it was more about him realising how damaging porn is and he now has no interest in watching it again. We also had his affair to deal with but both were connected.

Happily, we are very much together now and things including our much improved sex life are good - but he knows that if he is ever caught using porn, that would be it.

my dh also had an online affair with a hooker from the phillapines. Never met her but sent her money regularly and told her he loved her. All the time this was going on I was wondering why my husband was so distant

can I ask what are you getting from the marriage?

It sounds like he has made a real mess of things and isn't that bothered about making things better. The only thing that may change things is to ask him to leave...

madaboutchoc thats just what i am asking myself... the mortgage gets paid but thats about it

I really would advise you to confide in close family/friends - they will provide you with RL support as you decide what you next step will be. Please remember you and the Dc are worth so much more x

There is still going to be an issue here even if you do leave him OP. Because by leaving him, he is still going to watch porn, so, unless you have 100% custody of the children or visits are supervised, they could still be damaged by his unhealthy habit. As you won't be with him anymore it could cause greater anxiety to you. As you won't be able to 'monitor' him anymore. Think carefully about this. I'm not saying don't leave him, but what exactly are you trying to achieve?

I remember you, OP

when will your limit kick in ?

when the dc walk in on your H, cock in hand ?

vair - she is not even able to monitor him now.. right now it can't be a healthy atmosphere for the DC to grow up in.

I am sure that OP will take into account her DC's safety when organising access.

Anyfucker, dc can still do that even if she does leave him. He will still be entitled to see them.

vairpreshusfb I am trying to have a happy life. He has a big problem and may have killed our sexual relationship but he is not a evil man. I don't want to monitor him either, thats the point, I do not want to be in a bad marriage, I would rather be single.

Hi AF, yes I thought you would remember me. My limit? Getting close to it to be honest

Then leave him ffs, do something about it. Write a list of things you need to do and tick them off one by one as they're done.

madabouthotchc thanks for your supportive posts, I really appreciate it. He came home from work today and says he has booked a counsellor appointment.

vair, yes

but she can take steps to ensure his access to the dc is supervised

I would, but then I don't think porn use around children is acceptable, nor a reason to shy away from getting a man like this the fuck out of my life

what would you advocate...she stays simply so she can protect the children from his addiction to porn ?

really ?

OP, take plenty of evidence...and engage a good solicitor in family law, you won't have to hand your dc over to a porn addict

OP, I nuanced my initial post wrongly

I mean, really, what is his limit....and why would you wait and watch for it to materialise ?

it's going to happen, OP

it's just a matter of time

what counsellor, OP ?

a joint relationship counsellor ?

or one purely for him, with a speciality in dysfunctional sexuality ?

AF a counsellor just for him who specialises in sexual dysfunction. I have basically moved him out of our bedroom and told him he is not coming back until he proves he is taking responsibility for his compulsions. Either he goes to counselling or we separate.

that is a decent first step, OP

please mean it, and follow through on your threats if you are not respected in this

well done for taking action, hope your H realises how bloody lucky he is that you haven't chucked him out.

AF I do mean it. Several threads over the months and the support of MN has made me realise that I have enabled him to a certain extent. I should have put the breaks on when I saw the first red flag. I accepted too much crap. No more. MN has helped me to be stronger for myself and my children and strangely for my DH. He needs to be honest and true to himself too. Lets hope he can heal, regardless of whether we stay together.

Knackered and off to bed now, i'll update again soon.
Many thanks

Good luck, OP

if you are who I think you are, you are very brave to keep coming back here and putting his dysfunction, and your ability to go along with it, under the spotlight

I hope he proves me wrong

MN has also helped me to set my boundaries of what I will and won't accept. I have reached my threashold. I feel strangely calm and strong after months of anxiety

so you should, OP

it isn't your head that is an empty nothing of warped gratification