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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

6 year relationship in the loo

72 replies

Wrenner · 21/03/2012 07:54

Hi all.... Here goes. Seriously considering leaving my other half although I do still love him. I know this sounds mad but we just don't get on. We used to argue and fight alot but went to relationship counselling so the violence stopped although I get to the point where I do hit him sometimes, I know this is wrong. I'm so resentful at him and can't even really explain why?! He works hard and I don't want for anything. Very financially secure. Although I'm not allowed in the finances and he gives me money. To try to explain it, I feel like a lesser being. The way he is so critical if me for example will come in from work and straight away point out something I've not done whilst I've been at home with ds1(3) and ds2(1). I feel like he thinks I'm stupid, unimportant and that I fit around his life. He plays alot of sport and even left our sons 1st bday party to go away and play. It's like years and years of being put down or reminded he pays for stuff,NEVER hearing I love you or that I look nice. For my part I return the favour and don't appriciate him. I don't know what too do!!! I have spoken about this to him but he won't change. He's very cut off from emotions due to family situation. They dont speak to us (his side) my side are great but live 5 hours away. Also I feel like I have no energy for counselling because I believe this is the way he is. I just thought he would change, naively! Dont Want to take kids away from him either! Please help! And please be nice

OP posts:
invicta · 21/03/2012 08:08

It obvious that you feel not worthy or respected in your role a mother and wife. Because your husband is the bread winner, he assumes he can do as he pleases (sport etc) but forget you need him to be there also.

I don't feel able to give any advice, except perhaps you need to spend some family days out, and reconnect as a family. Can you go and watch his sport? Can he look after the children and give you a break? Maybe more counselling is needed? (show him this thread ?)

Original poster
Wrenner · 21/03/2012 08:14

He plays squash so difficult to watch as they don't like noise and dc are loud! He is a great dad and does have the kids so I can go out. Alot if this is me I guess. I've almost shut down around him as I've been hurt so much before so it's like a vicious cycle I can't seem to stop?! I definitely feel unworthy and disrespected and when we have argued he had called me a slag etc with just confirms this Sad

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 21/03/2012 08:16

No he is not a great dad. Great dads do not speak like that to the mother of their children.

RabidEchidna · 21/03/2012 08:16

So he looks after you, you want for nothing, and you beat him,
No wonder he goes out a lot you sound a nightmare

Original poster
Wrenner · 21/03/2012 08:19

Cheers rabid... Really constructive. It's not always been like that and I don't beat him.... Ive said Its not just him. It's more my issue. Relationships need more than just financial input?!

OP posts:
PurplePidjin · 21/03/2012 08:20

He's financially abusive.

You're physically abusive.

Leave. Now.

Original poster
Wrenner · 21/03/2012 08:24

When I say I've hit him I meen I have slapped his arm. Not justifying, just explaining incase u think I'm punching the shit out of him every day.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wrenner · 21/03/2012 08:27

Also like I've said... This is wrong and I feel terrible I do that!!!!! I'm trying to resolve why and how to fix this rather than beat myself up for it. It's disgusting I do this Sad

OP posts:
CuttedUpPear · 21/03/2012 08:39

Your relationship sounds like mine was. I stayed for 6.5 yrs and felt like I had the word 'Worthless' tattooed across my face. The few times I managed to get my head up I just turned it in on itself by putting my energy into 'loving' him even harder.
It was a waste of my time, and of my life, and I don't like to hear that you are wasting yours too OP. You could be out there giving and receiving love in equal measure. It is possible, even if at first the only ones you get to love are your DCs.

You really aren't happy but believe me you could be a lot happier. Seize the day and make your own life. Money isn't everything and you won't be taking his DCs away if you split.

Original poster
Wrenner · 21/03/2012 08:42

Cutted- I just am in tears Sad feel like thus is all my fault and very had a go at (earlier post) feel condemned to b unhappy and like I'm an ungrateful bitch for not appreciating him Sad just want to feel lived and worthy?! Not stupid,thick and constantly criticised!!

OP posts:
PurplePidjin · 21/03/2012 08:45

If your female friend told you her male dp "slapped her arm" in anger, what would you advise?

Original poster
Wrenner · 21/03/2012 08:49

I'd advise that it's wrong and they need help,I've said that

OP posts:
CuttedUpPear · 21/03/2012 08:54

Look can everyone stop chastising the OP for the arm slapping. She has admitted remorse and asked for help here.

Wrenner this is not your fault for feeling like this, but you have the power to change the situation.
How would you feel about a trial separation from your DP?

CuttedUpPear · 21/03/2012 08:59

It sounds like it would do you good to get yourself away from your domestic situation and think about yourself as a whole person in your own right.

Original poster
Wrenner · 21/03/2012 09:00

Well after a horrible row this morning I rang him. I said its like we just keep putting plasters on a really deep cut and their not working. There's a deep wound there and it needs to heal. Also apologised to him and told him I love him but that I'm not happy and I really want to be. He suggested I go to my parents alone at Easter with the kids so I might do that. Scares the crap out of me that we might split up but it's really not fair on the kids and my 3 year old doesn't like seeing me sob! Sad thanks so much for your support cutted!

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CuttedUpPear · 21/03/2012 09:10

I have to go to work now but just wanted to say that a little bit of courage goes a long way. Try stopping telling him that you love him as this is part of the plaster you refer to, especially as he doesn't tell you he loves you back - it's just a one way energy leakage. Just do this for yourself.

Will check back later.

Original poster
Wrenner · 21/03/2012 10:37

Thanks alot!! Basically I thought it would help if I explained more of what goes on in our relationship as maybe this really is me?! Confused
Say last night... I cooked him and kids pasta carbonara (im not great at cooking but try my best) and he walked in and looked at it and said words to the effect of "is that it?!" I replied yes then he said "what nothing with it?!" (he has a massive apatite) I said no. By this point I feel massively pissed off and reminds me of why I hate cooking for him as its always wrong. Then he goes to the fridge and points out the mushrooms had gone past their sell by date (by 1 day) and so had the pineapple. I explained 1 day doesn't matter and I'm using them today. Then I get the usual "what have I told you about this ?! You don't listen too me.. It's a waste erc etc" THEN he sits down and eats his dinner saying "thanks ". It's always like this " don't put the kettle there". "dont bang that" "you nearly hit a curb" anyway you get the gist! I know saying these things is maybe normal but I can't handle the frequency of how much they are said. I feel like in getting pummelled with a hammer and that's why every few months I seem to have a Phyco moment where I just flip! Also I wouldn't mind those things if it was with positive affirmation too. "gave u had a good day?" rather than you have done this,this and this wrong. He refuses to do house work either and doesn't realise how tiring it is having two young children Sad

OP posts:
Hattytown · 21/03/2012 10:45

You sound like you hate eachother.

You've both been violent to eachother and you are still occasionally violent to him.

He controls all the finances and 'gives you' money Shock
Calls you a 'slag', puts his hobby before his wife and family and criticises you constantly.

If you've already been to relationship counselling and it's still like this, I doubt it's ever going to get any better. So it would be better for your children if you part.

I would be very suspicious about his suggestion that you go away over Easter. Be careful that your financial interests are protected. If you are not married and you are living in owned property, are both your names on the title deeds? Or on the rental agreement?

Original poster
Wrenner · 21/03/2012 10:59

I don't think we hate each other?! Well I love him and he said he loves me this morning but I think we are stuck in a hate cycle of each other (if that makes sense ). I do Also believe love isn't always enough. He said he would go over Easter but has no where to go and both me and him were meant to go together to my parents but he suggested I go alone to get some space. I don't think he would try to shaft me financially? I agree though that there is abuse from both of us and this isn't good at all. It's been like this for so long it just seems normal? I've got terrible self esteem from all of this and feel like a massive failure. I feel too like being highly critical is just the way he is and thinks I'm being over sensitive. The violence used to be alot worse but it's horrendous I still slap him. I honestly get to the point where I feel insane and confused?! Feels like im being squashed???Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Wrenner · 21/03/2012 11:05

Also with finance stuff he still very much controls this. He says it would be too much hassle to get joint account as he has other flats and re arranging direct debits would b a pain?? He's very cagey about if all to b honest. Don't know how much bills are as he controls it all... Have asked to look and after much debate I did get too see them! Hmm
Also tbh this suited me for a while but I don't like it now. Another area I feel inadequate in

OP posts:
worldgonecrazy · 21/03/2012 11:14

To be blunt, I don't think you love him at all. I think you are reliant on him, not just for money but for your own feeling of self-worth, which is why his comments are dragging you down. You feel that you need him in your life and are confusing this with 'love'.

He is emotionally abusive and you are physically abusive. This is not a healthy environment for anyone to be in, least of all your children.

You need counselling, alone, to sort out in your own head why you are putting up with a man who does nothing but make you feel worthless. Only when you become strong yourself will you be able to ensure life is better for everyone else.

Hattytown · 21/03/2012 11:16

This doesn't sound like love, it sounds like mutual abuse.

Physical, emotional and financial.

Are you married and do you co-own your home?

Original poster
Wrenner · 21/03/2012 11:17

Very true... I have questioned if I love him or just feel I need him....I get confused trying to work it out tbh.. Maybe counselling would be good

OP posts:
Original poster
Wrenner · 21/03/2012 11:18

Not married. Live in mortgaged house with both names on it

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Original poster
Wrenner · 21/03/2012 11:27

Am I just being really unreasonable and ungrateful????

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