6 year relationship in the loo

[Wrenner]

Hi all.... Here goes. Seriously considering leaving my other half although I do still love him. I know this sounds mad but we just don't get on. We used to argue and fight alot but went to relationship counselling so the violence stopped although I get to the point where I do hit him sometimes, I know this is wrong. I'm so resentful at him and can't even really explain why?! He works hard and I don't want for anything. Very financially secure. Although I'm not allowed in the finances and he gives me money. To try to explain it, I feel like a lesser being. The way he is so critical if me for example will come in from work and straight away point out something I've not done whilst I've been at home with ds1(3) and ds2(1). I feel like he thinks I'm stupid, unimportant and that I fit around his life. He plays alot of sport and even left our sons 1st bday party to go away and play. It's like years and years of being put down or reminded he pays for stuff,NEVER hearing I love you or that I look nice. For my part I return the favour and don't appriciate him. I don't know what too do!!! I have spoken about this to him but he won't change. He's very cut off from emotions due to family situation. They dont speak to us (his side) my side are great but live 5 hours away. Also I feel like I have no energy for counselling because I believe this is the way he is. I just thought he would change, naively! Dont Want to take kids away from him either! Please help! And please be nice

The relationship is unhealthy. You both need help, and you won't be able to work on your individual issues while still together as your issues just play off each other and perpetuate the dysfunction.

Leave, and get individual counselling to fix that deep wound you're carrying around that leads you to behave like this.

You are not good for each other, your relationship is totally dysfunctional (physically, verbally and financially abusive). The healthier you can only emerge AWAY from all that mess.

Wrenner - are you seriously that emotionally damaged that you have to question whether you are being ungrateful for being abused??

I know that is a bit of a harsh question, but I think you need a wake-up call about what is normal and what isn't.

Your relationship is not normal. You are not being unreasonable to think that there are huge problems in your relationship that need fixing, nor are you being ungrateful for tolerating abuse.

You are a person who has a right to be in a relationship of mutual love and respect, where partners don't argue with each other or put each other down, where children can look to their parents as a role model to emulate, where the partners show mutual appreciation of the work that goes into building a home together, whether that be the work of bringing in the money or the work of keeping a home together.

We do just go round in a destructive cycle... I don't want to destroy any kind if hope there may be left either. I don't know how to leave though. I sound pathetic I know.

Well from what you say, he seems to be very difficult to live with. He is not letting you access the finances, even though you have 2 dcs together. Is very critical (You haven't done X during the day as soon as he comes back home).
Puts you down and insults you...
He doesn't do any housework, thinks so little of this dcs that he is happy to go away on his dc 1st b'day. Is spending a lot of time playing squash. Never gives any compliments

And you are wondering why you are resentful????

My take on it is: you have tried counselling together, it hasn't worked.
You are miserable.
You need to find some courage and leave.

Use the opportunity of going to your parents to have a chat about it with them. Assess your financial situation (I would strongly advice you to have a look again at 'his' bank account and keep a copy tbh). Go and see a sollicitor re maintenance for his dcs.
And take it from there.

BTW, when people are put uner a lot of stress & emotional abuse, it does happen that the victim just 'looses it' and become 'violent'. This is because of the stres from loving in that environment. The rsult is usually that said victime then thiks even more that 'it is all her fault' and that 'she needs to try harder'.
perhaps have a look at the emotional abuse therad and see if it rings bells with you.

And btw you NO your are NOT ungrateful!!!

It is normal to me to feel like this and act like this. What I meant was am I causing all if this?? I'm honestly really confused and feel I 'should' be grateful im financially secure but I'm not. I can't tell what's normal or what's right any more

Pepoel

I can't tell what's normal or what's right any more

Please leave, and see a professional to help you sort through your feelings and readjust your perceptions along healthier lines.

Peppal- thanks for that. Honestly. That's what happens I just lose it and slap him. Then feel mental and horrible. Like I have something wrong with me. It's not right though but the only way I can describe it us like pushing down s spring and eventually it pops back up really really fast and hard?! I really need support - never spoken about this before. Also feel shit scared tbh. My parents are great and know im not happy and have also witnessed the way he speaks to me and dc.

Copy as much information as you can about bank accounts, etc. and then leave. If your husband has money then he has to provide for your children so you will not be destitute.

Why should you be grateful because he is providing money? Shouldn't he also be grateful that you are providing childcare, housekeeping, taxi, etc. and the myriad of jobs that go to keeping a house together?

You need to get yourself into a safe space where you can heal your hurts and start seeing clearly.

You're NOT financially secure - far from it.

You're not married and the only asset you've got is a joint stake in the house you live in. Everything else is his and you will have no claim on any of it. You're not in a position to support yourself because you gave up work to care for the children.

That's why he keeps the finances separate.

If he left tomorrow, all you would be entitled to would be child maintenance and in the unlikely event of him being awarded 50% residence, possibly not even that.

This is NOT a normal loving relationship. But as I keep saying on these threads, you and he get to make a choice. Your kids don't. They will be harmed by what you and your partner are enacting.

Better for you to get some financial independence and part amicably before any more damage is done to any of you.

Look, no one can 'cause' another person to behave in this way.
No one should actually want or think to behave in this way :(
Whatever the situation is.
If one is getting so resentful that he can't control himself anymore, then one should leave. If your H finds living with you so difficult, he should leave. He has no right to put anyone through that, whether it is you or your dcs.

There is more to a relationship than being financially secure. Love is one important ingredient I am lead to believe, and trust and respect. I haven't seen that here. And if he only gives you pocket money, I am not surprised that you are resentful about it anyway. Because you are not financially secure. If he decides to give you less, that's it. You are at his mercy.

Yes, I would really recommend to have a look at that thread. There are some lovely ladies there :)

Also perhaps give a call to Women Aid?

Feel very naive I haven't thought of this before
I don't have a clue what money comes in or out and get 400 quid from him a month. I don't think he would refuse maintenance as he loves the boys but feel overwhelmed with where to go or what to do. I wish my parents were nearer than 5 hours away.

Peppal just read the thread.....
'the victim feels she is going crazy...'

I think visiting that thread would be a good idea, but you need to talk to people in RL so that you can validate what we are saying about this NOT being a normal, healthy dynamic.

It really isn't common or at all advisable for one half of the partnership to have no control over the finances, especially if that person has no independent means of supporting herself or her children. That gives the rest of us some clue about how broken down your spirit must be to have allowed yourself to become this disenfranchised.

Maybe if I give some background info?? I was 19 wen we met and he was 31. He had a job, nice car and flat. I had none of these. Just been through a massive ordeal and was having treatment. I was overwhelmed someone like that would want me. On our first date he took me out which amazed me as I was used to sleeping with someone in the 1st date then getting dumped. I'm not a whore that's just what had always happened to me so assumed it was normal! Mad I know!
Relationship progressed and I went back to work although not in a credible job to him (manager of a bakery). Finances always been seperate and like I said I used to like this as felt like a kept woman. After 2 kids later it's the same... No access to money other than money he gives me. I have seen bank statements (under duress) but when I said can we get a joint account he said it would be loads of hassle to move money around and why did I Wang to see bills anyway?! Then I got confused and thought why do I Want too see then?! I tried to explain I wanted to feel equal but I ended up feeling like I'd really put him out???

So if the other partner is controlling and emotionally abusive then that means it's acceptable for the other parter to resort to physical abuse? I'd have thought the one was equally as bad as the other, although I'm aware that won't make me popular for pointing it out.

Just strikes me that if this was reversed and it was the husband that had resorted to slapping his wife on the arms then the reactions here would be very, very different.

No abuse it right. Full stop.

Excactly hat Peppa said BTW, when people are put uner a lot of stress & emotional abuse, it does happen that the victim just 'looses it' and become 'violent'. This is because of the stress from living in that environment. The result is usually that said victim then thinks even more that 'it is all her fault' and that 'she needs to try harder'.

Sustained emotional, financial and verbal abuse does not equal a slap on the arm... sorry but it just doesn't!

Domestic abuse is about power and control and fear. The OP's P has ALL the power in this relationship and he has left the OP with nothing. Do you seriously think that the OP's P is an equal victim here

Wrenner Hugs to you. He sounds awful. You really do deserve better than this. And no, this is not your fault x

As far as I can see Nixea everyone has condemned the violence and I don't think anyone has suggested the abuse is one-sided. The recurrent theme is that the children are going to suffer if this dysfunctional relationship continues any longer but as we are only communicating with one half of the partnership, we can only advise her to end things.

Wrenner it sounds like you were an easy target for an older man. You came into the relationship with what sounds like very low self-esteem and very unhealthy attitudes towards female sexuality, so that when a solvent man wanted to stay with you after having sex, you were pathetically grateful for his attentions. I think you must also have had very little esteem to revel in being a 'kept woman'.

Does he call you those horrible sexist words you've used (slag and whore) because of your sexual past before you met him? Does he trade on your tendency to be 'grateful' for him 'rescuing' you? Does he have different standards regarding men and women's sexual appetites?

We see things differently. I think a young person is entitled to have the sex she wants and should feel no guilt about so doing. I think everyone should have the capacity to support themselves financially but if a decision is taken for one person to give up their financial independence in order to care for the joint responsibility that are children, that person needs some financial security and protection in case the relationship falters.

There are three issues here as I see it. You are involved in a mutually abusive relationship that needs to end. You have no financial security or independence. Your partner has all the power in the relationship and always did. I think you are very naive to trust that he will treat you or your children fairly in any split, because as soon as he realises he has lost his emotional power over you, he will punish you financially.

He called me slag alot and when I pointed out its a stupid word to call me (I have always been faithful) he mutterd something about 'once a slag always a slag' he is referring to something I did in my past

That hurt :(
He would maybe want to punish me but he wouldn't want to go through csa so it would be in his best financial interest to brokerage a deal with me. Pathetic - yes. But I know how his mind works in terms of money.

I am independent though in every other respect I think. I can drive and go out regularly. I support women who went through what I went through and go to prisons and doctors surgerys to talk there, I am confident wen im not at home and I am me. Just wish I was like that all the time, it's easy to say 'just leave' I don't have a clue how too or if I will regret the decision.

It certainly wouldn't be in his best interests to broker a deal with you. If he went through the CSA he would have to give you a small percentage of his income. As you've never known what that is, he will hide his earnings and pay a pittance. You desperately need some legal advice because your position is so precarious and you don't seem to realise how bad it is.

This man sounds like a horrible misogynist. I've no idea why you would even want to stay a moment longer in his presence. It must be like living two lives - one where you have the appearance of a confident woman trying to give something back to society and another where you are crushed, abused and reliant on someone else for your survival.

Could you re-locate to be nearer your parents?

I do realise how bad it is and it's easy to say from an outside point of view just leave. I know his wage and discussed csa before as he has another son