6 year relationship in the loo

[Wrenner]

Hi all.... Here goes. Seriously considering leaving my other half although I do still love him. I know this sounds mad but we just don't get on. We used to argue and fight alot but went to relationship counselling so the violence stopped although I get to the point where I do hit him sometimes, I know this is wrong. I'm so resentful at him and can't even really explain why?! He works hard and I don't want for anything. Very financially secure. Although I'm not allowed in the finances and he gives me money. To try to explain it, I feel like a lesser being. The way he is so critical if me for example will come in from work and straight away point out something I've not done whilst I've been at home with ds1(3) and ds2(1). I feel like he thinks I'm stupid, unimportant and that I fit around his life. He plays alot of sport and even left our sons 1st bday party to go away and play. It's like years and years of being put down or reminded he pays for stuff,NEVER hearing I love you or that I look nice. For my part I return the favour and don't appriciate him. I don't know what too do!!! I have spoken about this to him but he won't change. He's very cut off from emotions due to family situation. They dont speak to us (his side) my side are great but live 5 hours away. Also I feel like I have no energy for counselling because I believe this is the way he is. I just thought he would change, naively! Dont Want to take kids away from him either! Please help! And please be nice

Spoken to a brilliant friend today. U feel happier and calmer.

*i

And what did your friend advise Wrenner?

Not to put pressure on myself that I have to work out my whole life in one day. To b nice to myself and to consider seperate on but also things I need to work on.

Sorry - consider seperation but in the meen time look at where I can react differently. Leaving may make him change but to do it for me. No one else,

Its good advice in the main wrenner but there is one part missing, your children, you have to do what is best for them too my lovely X

Of course. Think she was trying to boost me up abit if u kno what I meen x

purple I am going to agree and disagree with you. If wrenner becomes stronger and self-reliant then that will automatically be the best thing for her children.

What you wrote could mistakenly be read as often people will stay in an unhappy relationship "for the children", not realising that staying is ultimately more devastating and damaging than leaving and making a fresh start.

I know what was meant... I need to get self esteem and respect in order to leave and that I need to consider what's best for my children. My friend also said you sometimes have to make a decision to know if it's the right one and the fear of doing it can b greater than the actual 'thing'

worldgone I see it what you are saying and you were right to pick it up.

Was not what I meant at all, the children and wrenner all deserve to live a happy life without their parents being destructive toward each other.

Wishing you all the best, Wrenner!

Yes I agree that looking after yourself and getting some self respect back IS a very good idea.
However you might find that almost impossible in these circumstances, with someone spending his time putting you down....
You can also think about reacting differently but be aware that if you start confronting him regularly, it might make the situation worse. The wise women on the EA thread will be able to advice better than me.

How do I get to that thread? Thanks xxxx

I'm not sure you'll be able to get your self confidence and self respect back whilst you're in this abusive relationship. It strikes me that you were very young and vulnerable when you met him whilst he was older and more secure. It would seem he's had the power and control from the beginning of your relationship. You mention violence in the past that was worse than you slapping him on the arm - who was violent to who?

I definitely need a break. Think I'm going to my parents. Want to run away to b honest.

Wrenner don't think of it as 'running away', think of it as 'gathering your defences and strengthening your position". Good luck.

Feel weirdly positive too?! Spoke to my mum also and was honest. I think counselling would help me/us

Baby hammock. What a lovely post
I'm going to talk to him tonight and try to b as honest as possible. Scared shitless as I think this feels like the end

Good luck tonight wrenner X

Thanks

Blimey this is about as far from being equally abusive as you can get, it really is OP. There is no doubt in my mind whatsover that you are suffering abuse, and that you are suffering the psychological effects of abuse, ie you don't know which way is up. Neither did I for - well hard to say when my relationship became abusive, but I would say since 1993 in fact. I didn't know that was what it was, was on a cycle that thenH was going to get his act together and pull his weight financially, emotionally, around the house, I would be full of hope and love. After a bit, when nothing changed, I would get depressed. Then something would happen to fill me with hope and love. It took till 2009 for the penny to finally start to drop - I had been in love with my own delusion - the man I thought he could and would be. It finally dawned that he was never going to be that man . It's over 30 years since we started living together, we have 2 lovely kids who are now young adults, and in useful work (unlike their father), and last month the decree absolute was pronounced after 27 years of marriage - I was the petitioner.

So get out while the going is good (because the staying is bad ). My years were not wasted, and contained much that I remember with great happiness, but ex does not feature much in my happy memories, because we never had fun or worked together as partners.

Wrenner, what PinkPussycat says above.
I too was in love with my own delusion, and I worked very hard to make it so.
That is not love.