Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What is abuse?

57 replies

georgesmummy11 · 20/03/2012 23:34

First time I have posted in relationships please be kind

I'm just wanting other peoples views and opinions don't want to offend or cause drama, but a couple of weeks ago my OH punched me in the chest didn't bruse but winded me we weren't even arguing or disagreeing I asked him to do something and he didnt want to.
Our boiler has been playing up pressure keeps dropping and you have to top it up the other day he did it and he didn't shut it off properly. Last night he did the same I could hear it trickling, he was on the phone but I turned to him while I was sorting the boiler and said you have left it on again. He then mouthed no I haven't a booted me in the back of the legs.
I told a friend as I need to get it off my chest and she said this is domestic abuse.
I'm not sticking up for him but I'm not sure it is.
What's Are your views ?

OP posts:
Eurostar · 20/03/2012 23:36

Could I ask you a question back - what do you think domestic abuse is?

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 20/03/2012 23:37

Sounds like domestic abuse to me.

Original poster
georgesmummy11 · 20/03/2012 23:44

eurostar good question I know deep down I don't want to say it is Blush
I just don't know what i do from here I'm very confused and my emotions are all over

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 20/03/2012 23:47

First of all, have a look through the [url=www.womensaid.org.uk]Women's Aid[/url] website, and give them a call; you may need to keep calling, because they are busy and underfunded, but if you can talk to someone, they will understand and be able to help you decide your next move.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 20/03/2012 23:48

www.womensaid.org.uk/

Sorry, wrong formatting! Blush

Eurostar · 20/03/2012 23:56

I asked because I was wondering what you thought it might be. Whatever you call it, it sounds horrific to me, living with someone who thinks they have the right to hit you and literally kick you out of the way. It is also an arrestable offence which helps to understand that it is wrong doesn't it?

Is there more than these two out of the blue incidents OP?

tallwivglasses · 21/03/2012 00:25

What is abuse? - georges, you've just described abuse. Poor you and your boy Sad

what do you want to do about it?

NicholasTeakozy · 21/03/2012 01:04

He punched you and kicked you? Do you need to ask?

Of course, it's normal. All the abusive types do it. Sad Angry

That is fucking horrible OP. Pull him up on it, if he disagrees, get rid.

Original poster
georgesmummy11 · 21/03/2012 06:11

euro* he once put his fist through the wall he did it because I stressed him out and he didn't want to hit me that was a few years ago and we have gone through a few bins and he likes to kick them.

tall I really don't know what to do he's easily stressed an takes everything out on me not always physical eg often gets face on and very snappy.

After the kicking incident I went and packed him a bag and told him to go and sort his head out. He refused to go, so I turned around and said I was going he want down stairs and was shouting an calling me all the names under the sun. He then came back upstairs apologising an telling me that he loved me I know they all say thatBlush

He never does this in front of our DS, I sound really horrible to live with but I'm not I promise I don't nag even tho I would love too I do all the house work and look after our son I also work part time.
The main thing that gets to me is the fact he's so lazy won't do anything round the house off his own back won't even put his clothes in the was basket, he's great with our son but won't do anything if I'm there like feed him change him or bath him. On a saturday when I'm at work he goes to his mums so she can do it all Angry

OP posts:
tribpot · 21/03/2012 06:15

So to summarise: lazy, violent and a bad parent. Lovely.

He talked you round when you planned to leave yesterday. Did you have a plan? Where would you go?

InAnyOtherSoil · 21/03/2012 06:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Areyanna · 21/03/2012 06:22

It sounds like domestic abuse to me.

Hollyfoot · 21/03/2012 06:28

So Sad for you. And you sound so defeated. Reading what you have written, one thing stares back at me. You write nothing about how you feel, what its like for you when he does this. Tell us about that. Maybe that will help you realise what is going on and the awfulness of it.

Debating whether it is or isnt abuse (it is of course) isnt what matters, what matters is that you begin to switch your focus onto yourself and your son and how you can change your lives for the better. Have been in your shoes and spent years months doing exactly what you are doing now. Sadly however much we analyse their motives for aggression and how we behave to 'make' it happen, it wont effect any change in violent partners at all, that I can promise. All we can do is change our own lives. We're all here to help you do just that.

Original poster
georgesmummy11 · 21/03/2012 06:48

holly* I feel like he hates me, been feeling really down about it and Iv never been like that I alway happy and cheery. Iv lost all respect for him and lost the comfort I use to feel around him. I basically feel worthless.

tribpot I have lots of places I could go my mum and dad would have me back no question asked and same with my grandparents.

OP posts:
tribpot · 21/03/2012 06:51

georgesmummy - that's good to know. Why not take a short break and go for a visit to clear your head?

MadameOvary · 21/03/2012 06:55

Of course it's abuse.
Do you behave like that?
If a friend was round and behaved like that, would you question it? Or would you say "what the hell do you think you're doing?"

Punching walls and kicking objects is extremely aggressive and intimidating and yes, part of the abuse. It says "this is what I am capable of doing to you".

It is called escalation. Please talk to Women's Aid, especially as he has now progressed to physically shoving you around.

Hollyfoot · 21/03/2012 06:55

Oh georgesmummy I could cry for you. There is another life out there for you, you know. One where you can once again be the happy and cheery person you were. And one where you will feel valued again.

That first post was a really brave step. Its really hard actually admitting what is going on isnt it. They condition us to think that we are the ones causing it, that what they are doing to us is normal and most of all that we deserve it. You dont. And nor does your son.

Do you feel able to go and stay with your parents or grandparents? Perhaps you might find some time away to think very helpful.

CailinDana · 21/03/2012 06:55

Georgesmummy - you do everything in the house and you're afraid to ask him to do anything. That alone is enough to end the relationship. Add in the fact that he has assaulted you more than once and it really is time to get out.

Original poster
georgesmummy11 · 21/03/2012 07:44

Thank you all, writing it down has made me think of so many times of when I should have walked away but never had. I stopped thinking of myself a long time ago and even more so when I had DS.
Every time I think of leaving I think of how hard it will be and it puts me off.

On a brighter note I'm now at work the one place recently I felt safe happy and myself, apart from when I'm with my son.
I think I need a meet up with a good friend and say it out aloud. Confused

OP posts:
InAnyOtherSoil · 21/03/2012 07:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Abitwobblynow · 21/03/2012 08:56

Lundy Bancroft just aces this issue. He calls it what it is: destructive relationship. Then he calls WHO causes it: immature, abusive, addicted or personality disordered men.

Some of the things you describe (going to Mummy/immature; punching walls/abusive, bullying; not stepping up to chores/immature; offended and punishing when asked or reminded/immature, abusive) are right there in his book.

Please, from someone who has only just faced up to (very civilised, educated, upper class, non-violent but EMOTIONAL) abuse after 20 years, you will get more of a life by facing it now and developing YOUR life, instead of wishing, hoping and futilely attempting to get him to 'understand'.

He WON'T understand, because he doesn't want to. He will ONLY change, when the pain of not changing is worse than the pain of changing (ie, losing the new, centred, clear, firm you + DS).

That he has 'Mummy' indulging him still is a bit of a compication. But do it now, or you will be in the same place next year, the year after, forever.

Good luck.

neuroticmumof3 · 21/03/2012 21:38

This is abuse and it is likely to get worse. If you want him to leave have a look here. NCDV can help you get an injunction to get him out of the house and away from you.

Original poster
georgesmummy11 · 21/03/2012 21:43

Thank you all so much, had an awful afternoon with him.
He was all stressed again shouting at me for no reason in front of DS which broke my heart I was trying to help him he was boxing up golf clubs don't ask and because in so "thick" I was making it harder. When DS came down from his nap it got worse DS 14 months wanted to help daddy with the boxes and bubble wrap which stressed him out even more I took myself and DS in the kitchen out of the way and just because DS wanted to be with daddy he told me to smack the c**t. I was devastated crying now while writing I never have and never will smack DS to even say that without the C work is bad enough.
But in the next breath was fine again he's nipped to work for a few hours this evening and he back to being nice like it never happened.Angry

Going to try and meet up with my friend and talk to someone properly out loud.
Think this has to be the end Sad

OP posts:
Lueji · 21/03/2012 21:46

I sound really horrible to live with

No you don't. :)

I know exactly how hard it is to leave, but you must.
He has lost respect for you and you must not allow to get to a state when you really become a punch bag.

struwelpeter · 21/03/2012 21:55

Get yourself and DS away from him - a week/two weeks/a month to get your head clear.
When I read the bit about the golf clubs, my immediate thought was don't argue or annoy him when there is something dangerous around.
I avoided the stairs or having any attempt at talking in the kitchen because ex was so unpredictable I felt he was going to lash out.
While you are there, you can't reset your boundaries - he has you unbalanced and in turmoil.
Get some RL support and keep Ds safe. Have a look at recommendations on EA thread and also WA on what to take with you.
DS has had an enormous blow, been rejected by his dad and verbally abused, he can't rationalise it or protect himself. So Sad for both.