What is abuse?

[georgesmummy11]

First time I have posted in relationships please be kind

I'm just wanting other peoples views and opinions don't want to offend or cause drama, but a couple of weeks ago my OH punched me in the chest didn't bruse but winded me we weren't even arguing or disagreeing I asked him to do something and he didnt want to.
Our boiler has been playing up pressure keeps dropping and you have to top it up the other day he did it and he didn't shut it off properly. Last night he did the same I could hear it trickling, he was on the phone but I turned to him while I was sorting the boiler and said you have left it on again. He then mouthed no I haven't a booted me in the back of the legs.
I told a friend as I need to get it off my chest and she said this is domestic abuse.
I'm not sticking up for him but I'm not sure it is.
What's Are your views ?

Please call Women's Aid and NCDV. There's lots of support out there for you to help you get this man out of your life safely. Google your county and domestic abuse to see if there's a local service that can support you through this. This sounds like hell to live with especially if he's starting on DS.

If he kicked and punched a child what would you think?
If he kicked and punched a dog what would you think?
If he kicked and punched a previous GF what would you think?
It's not acceptable (and I'm not highly strung about such things either!)

I can see the tactics of:
The bully
The liar
The bad father
The persuader
King of the castle
The head worker

I've just listed "the dominator", in your case your husband. I'm at the end of the freedom program, a 12 week course designed to teach women the multitude of tactics that a perpetrator of domestic violence will use. There are 8 altogether (also "the jailer" and "the sexual controller") and I listed 6. You are in an abusive relationship. If you do nothing else, contact women's aid....they have been amazing support for me.
You don't sound awful to live with, he does. Stop looking for excuses for his behaviour, there are none, and you are certainly not to blame. X

Georgesmummy - been thinking about you at work today. We are here to support you, and help you take those first steps. In abusive situations, its all too easy to focus everything on the abuser's behaviour but thinking, writing and talking about how the abuse makes us feel is what really matters. Its like a light going on when you realise 'this person is responsible for me desperately unhappy, I need to change things'.

Talking with friends/family and admitting what is going on will be so empowering for you. You have nothing to be ashamed of. The shame is his alone. Please dont do what I did and stay too long. Both DD and I nearly lost our lives as a result of that. Violence gets worse, not better and you and your lovely boy deserve so much more than that.

All the luck in the world with this x

I stopped thinking of myself a long time ago

Do you know, sweetheart, this is the biggest problem I face - TEN years after splitting with Twat Number Two

Adapting to shit behaviour erodes your self. Not just your self-esteem, and your self-perception, but the actual who and what of you. I'm sorry to raise the spectre, but it also makes your children grow up not even knowing who they are. Horrid stuff.

Believe me, I know what it's like to love a bully and to believe in the best of him. NO_ONE has the right to treat you like that, ever. No-one. If somebody does it to you down the pub, you yell the landlord to call the police for assault. If a stranger does it in the street, you run like hell and then call the police. If someone you love does it, they don't deserve your love and they're gone. You can call the police, have you thought of that?

I really hope you'll post back. Don't take shit. And don't try to change a shit. There are nice men out there, you know?

Due to the fact that I don't know much about DV or know anyone that has been through this I'm finding it hard to understand a few things.

I don't understand how he can be so normal about things after like after his rant yesterday and he had calmed down it was like I never happened, and today he back to being the nice partner kisses and love you's as he's gone to work.

I naively thought DV was when one partner liked to beat up there other half daily for no reason and was always horrible.
Or are they all jeckle and Hyde

That's the most confusing part...if he was as awful all the time, your decision would be easy. If he hit you everyday, that would also be easy to recognise and I've heard so many women say, "I wish he had just hit me"....bruises heal, the mental place these men get you into is non comparable. Your confusion is what he wants, that's what makes you stay, as whilst you're doubting yourself, you're not doubting him....he knows what he's doing.
They return to normal as they have already justified their behaviour in their own heads...I.e, she deserved it as she nagged him....so why should he act remorseful. I hope I'm making some sense?? X

GeorgesMummy.
I am sorry you are going through this. Several of us have been through this too.
What you are describing is called the Mean/Sweet Cycle. As explained here:

The Mean and Sweet Cycle

The abuser cycles from mean to sweet and back again.
The cycle starts when they are intentionally hurtful and mean. You may be verbally abused, cursed, and threatened over something minor.
Suddenly, the next day they become sweet, doing all those little things they did when you started dating. You hang on, hoping each mean-then-sweet cycle is the last one.
The other purpose of the mean cycle is to allow the abuser to say very nasty things about you or those you care about, again chipping away at your self-esteem and self-confidence. Your abuser often apologizes but the damage to your self-esteem is already done - exactly as planned.

Ask yourself, if he did that to a total stranger how would they react? From what you describe, the total stranger would be calling 999 or, at the very least, giving him a very wide berth. Partners are meant to treat each other with love, affection and respect. Physical violence is not acceptable. Belittling them is not acceptable. Swearing is not acceptable. Good luck

Leave.

He punched you in the chest because you ask him to do something he did not want to and then kicked you in the legs because he is too stupid to close a boiler shut off.

This is a perfectly normal way for a man (or woman) to act there is nothing wrong at all with what he has done and it is your fault for asking him to do things that clearly you should be doing yourself. If you are not already married to him I suggest you marry him as fast as you can as he is far to good to let go, and at least by hitting you he has stopped damaging the walls and bins.
And why on earth are you not willing to hit your child who is clearly running feral in wanting to bother this poor man who is trying so hard to box up his golf clubs.

Now read that back and ask yourself again is it domestic abuse!

YES IT IS LEAVE HIM

abusers and bllies dont abuse 24/7.
please acll womens aid get lcoal support to leave, practical advice.
your ds will be much better off away from him

You see what Sweepitallundertherug says? Go and read her thread, she's in much the same situation, and has moved such a long way in a few short days. Take her advice. Plan. Gather your docs (driving licence, passports, birth certificates etc), pack as much as you can, get as much cash as you can, call Womens Aid and leave. Your life will improve. Trust us, we're on your side.

Remember your first date together? He didn't punch you in the chest and kick you in the legs then, did he? Because you would have walked away. The classic strategy of an abusive man is to wear down your confidence and your understanding of what is normal so that you can't even judge his behaviour any more.

It it completely and utterly 100% abuse. Take your ds and go back to your parents, sweetheart. You don't have to face a lifetime of living like this.

Thank you again everyone.

I know I'm going to get slated for this but I'm not mentally ready to give up yet but if he lays on more finger on me Im gone no more chances. I really mean that
I am going to put my name on the council housing list as a back up this week and start putting away more money as a safety net. I have told two friends and they are being very supportive it's so nice to be able to talk about it and not feel stupid or embarrassed. One friend said if I need putting up for a bit ring any time day or night an there is a bed for me and DS.
After talking to my friend she also revealed she was in an abusive relationship before I met her but was to ashamed to tell.
It's true what the say about closed doors.

As well as getting on the housing list and the savings account (something I think all women should have whether in a relationship or not) consider talking to someone about your legal position in the event of a divorce. Also run the information through this Online Benefits Calculator as if he didn't exist. The better you understand how you'd be fixed financially and legally when you break up, the less stressful it will be. And it will be 'when', sorry. Your friends sound excellent.

OP you are most definitely not going to get slated. It's absolutely true you need to feel ready before you successfully leave. Telling people in RL is good, you have to have a good support network. Continue making plans and gathering cash, then when ready get yourself to a safe place. Don't forget, you have a shitload of virtual friends here. Bonne chance!

Just an update really.

I had eventually decided it was over we were going to an engagement do I had to work till ten so went after work he had already been out a few hours, didn't see him the hole night, we left about 12 I was shattered and working the next day he was meant to be looking after DS. He was hammered got home he was being an idiot so I slept on the sofa got up in the morning he had thrown up all over the bathroom everywhere but the toilet,was on my hands and knees scrubbing the toilet while DS was shouting for his breakfast.
He was in no fit state to look after DS luckily PIL canceled there plans and had DS for me.
When I got home I told him to leave but he wouldn't go I told him how he made me feel and how I wasn't going to stand for it anymore, but he refused to leave and said he wants to try and make it up to me (I know I'm stupid)
He had been trying but I'm not putting my guard back down I'm doing things for me and DS now I'm meeting up with friends. I feel so much stronger as I feel like I have the upper hand at the moment. Iv told him and promised myself that if he touches me again I'm going without a doubt I have a plan ready just incase. (I really do mean that aswell)
Me and DS comes first.

Hi Georgie; thanks for the update. I'm glad you have a plan in place and that you are feeling stronger.

A few questions come to my mind when I read your last post:

• Why did you clean up his mess in the bathroom? Was it your mess to clean up?
• You say: Iv told him and promised myself that if he touches me again I'm going . Are you waiting for him to hit you again to feel that you have "permission" to leave? Why wait for that? Why not leave now?

georges, I'm so very sorry you're going through this. I was in a similar situation myself a few years back but without any DCs or any formal commitment to this man and it still took me a long time to leave. You're doing the right thing - taking control back from him. Get your important documents in a safe place, get your cash together. Take your friends up on their offers if you need to - they sound lovely. Remember that you have your parents and grandparents behind you too. Be prepared to follow through on your threat to leave if he steps out of line again.

Like you say, you and DS come first. You sound like a lovely person and a lovely parent. This is domestic abuse, without a shadow of a doubt. You don't deserve this. This is his problem and his fault, not yours. Please trust your feelings on this OP, trust yourself.

This man won't change.

I realise you have to be ready to end it, it was the same for me. But i would imagine that you are aware that it is inevitable and you are just prolonging it.

hot I cleaned it up as I couldn't leave it like that and when I went in the bedroom he didn't care his exact word were "I don't give a s%23%23t" before rolling back over.

I'm not mentally ready to leave yet he knows what he stands to lose and I want to Be able to say I gave it a good shot I don't want him to use anything against me.

The more I think about our relationship i wonder if it was ever right I just keep going round I circles in my head. We never do things as a couple I told him I want him to take me out just us two but he still hasn't done it yet. I know I'm flogging a dead horse, WHY can't I just do it!!

georges, you will get there. There will come a moment when you mentally reach the end of the road and there will be absolutely no going back for you. Don't beat yourself up in the meantime - be as safe as you can, remember your friends' offers. Trust your feelings and, hard as it is, try to stop questioning yourself and putting more pressure on yourself.

He is showing you nothing but utter disrespect and contempt at the moment. He's treating you worse than a slave. You deserve so much better.