Why the hell did I just do that?

[bangersandcrash]

NC

I left a very violent and abusive relationship over 10 years ago. I just ran. And ran. And ran. I never really spoke to anone about it apart form the basics and have moved on. I am now happily married with two beautiful DCs.
The thing is I still have nightmares about him, and his friends, and the things he threatened to do to me, and what I imagine he would do if he ever saw me again.

Despite myself I couldn't help googling his name. And found something, and looked it up. And it's pictures of him, on a dating site. I feel sick.
Can anyone tell me why the hell I just did that?

Is 10+ years too long to still be having (on average 1 per month) nightmares about my past?
And if you think that if we ever did bump into each other he would do something bad?

I am fairly sure I wasn't the first girl he abused and am certain I wasn't the last. But he has some fairly nasty contacts who have probably scared people (like me) off from pressing charges.

Any advice?

There is no prescribed time limit, but I believe that the issues you were left with will stay with you, and pop up at random times, until they are properly dealt with.

You could usefully do with some counselling: open up the past, in order to process your emotions about it and then finally lay it to rest.

It is likely that this has popped up now because you are in a good place and strong enough to deal with it.

HotDamn speaks sense. It sounds like you've buried what happened and now it's resurfacing again. If you have the strength, now might be the time to grab your opportunity to take the power away from your awful memories. The best way to do that is to talk about it, either here or with a friend or counsellor. Sometimes just saying what happened can make it smaller and more manageable.

Thank you, I think I do need to talk it out. Just scared of what it will open up. But I know I shouldn't accept these nightmares, and being afraid when I drive through the same CITY any more.

Get counselling.

I got married in '84; a violent and extraordinarily abusive man that I finally managed to get away from (not entirely as we owned a property and were still married) 6 years later. I have never got rid of him from my head. It had been a lot of years with him still in my head, dreams etc, worrying about bumping into him (for whatever reason), he was haunting me mentally.
Like you, I decided to 'look him up on the internet' and found him on FB. I made up an account in my old married name and had a fantastic life (!) on this account ...I did it so that if he looked for me, he would find someone that wasn't me and therefore would not find me. Anyway, he did find the not me and he contacted me. I didn't answer him at that time as it was a shock to me and I wanted to work out what to say etc. In the interim, a family member of his contacted me to say that he'd committed suicide...that's when the literal haunting started and it has continued for more than 2 years now.

I'd never really talked out in any great detail what he'd done to me, but I started having counselling a few months ago and I really think it's helping. So that was my point really; go and get counselling, talk through the whole thing and get it out of your system or it will most likely never leave you.

Sorry to have spilled out my own thing, but I wanted you to understand why counselling is a good idea.

And yes, I too have NC.

I don't believe talking it through with anyone other than a trained professional will really help; you need to be able to separate your life now from your life with him.

I would also suggest you get proper counselling.
Was his behaviour reported to the police at the time? Because I would also be concerned to be sure that his name was on that list for "Clare's Law".

Post traumatic stress disorder is what this may also be in the realm of. The mind compensates to get through and out the other side of an event. Then when the intial threat is over it tries to sort through things but , and I refer to myself here, there doesn't seem to be the right time. so the stuff comes out sideways, nightmares, anxiety and panic attacks and a just not a good feeling all over.

Get referred by your GP. it will not go away of its own volition, you owe it to yourself to enjoy the fruits of your well deserved escape.