Money and marriage - how do you SAHM's make it work?

[kitegirl]

tell me, MN, those of you who are SAHM's with husbands who are working and earning, how do you deal with money?

I have just had my 2 billionth argument with my tosser of a dh about this and short of going back to work and having separate incomes (which I don't want to do as we both think our ds and soon-to-be-born no 2 benefit so much from having me around) I don't know how to get him to sort out his act. Dh is useless with money. We have a joint account where his salary goes, which should cover direct debits, mortgage and household bills, purchases like food, ds's clothes etc. However, his monthly salary is not enough to cover our monthly expenses (thanks to a stupid whopping London mortgage!) so he tops it up from a deposit account where his annual bonus gets paid (a City thing, income is weighted towards annual bonus). I don't have access to this account so it's his responsibility to make sure there's enough money on the joint a/c for me to buy food, petrol etc. Except that he is absolutely useless and he doesn't, so EVERY SINGLE MONTH we are overdrawn, and I have my card refused at checkouts and having to use a cc I only have for emergencies. Also, he has a couple of savings accounts/ISAs that I don't have access to and another personal account that I don't have access to, which I found out after new year was thousands and thousands of pounds overdrawn because I found a bank statement by accident. Ds was born 2 years ago and I stopped working and have been nagging about having some transparency over our finances ever since then. I have no idea how much money we have at any given time because he has different bank accounts and about a thousand cards that he uses all the time, there could be a £20K hole for all I know. All bills are in his name, he never opens his post as he is too lazy to do that so when I nag him to do it every couple of weeks we find letters telling our car or house insurance has expired, unpaid congenstion charge has doubled etc. I can't budget anything because I don't know what is coming in or going out. He has promised to sort out joint access to all his savings and deposit accounts but despite stern words from me every month, it still hasn't been done. The thing is, I am used to having my own income and now, every month, I find myself asking dh to give me cash to buy nappies as I have no funds on our account - that is demeaning, belittling and makes me feel barely one step up from an au pair. I have told him how his inability to sort his finances out makes me feel, he promises to sort it out, but then forgets. How do you SAHM's deal with money and admin, whose responsiblity is it and do you have a system that works?

We have a joint account for absolutely everything. Fortunately DH and I have pretty similar attitudes towards spending, so it works very well for us. All bills are direct debited, and we both try to keep an eye on spending/account level etc. I am in charge of food shopping/budgeting for that.

Your situation sounds completely untenable. The direct debits etc should come out of his bonus account directly if there isn't enough money in the joint account.

Is your DH controlling in other ways?

Our system is that I do everything. Dh's money goes into a joint bank account and we have a savings account. I do all our banking online, paying bills, transferring from one account to another etc. If I didnt we would be in a shambles.

It sounds like he's just a bit rubbish, rather than controlling per se. Any hope of reversing it all? You control the money, and allow him the cash he's allowed?

You could slant it as reducing his stress, making his life easier, etc etc.

(How we do it: DH is good with money, his salary goes into his personal account, he transfers cash across to me each month, to buy food, whatever. If I need more, he'll give it to me. He pays all bills.)

I'm like Lucy - I do everything. We have our own seperate accounts that present money goes into (christmas/birthday etc), and a joint account which everything else goes in and out of. I do it all online, and have access to all of the accounts so I can borrow from one to another if needs be.

We would be homeless if DH was left in charge.

I am not a SAHM, so you may want to disregard my post, but I would give him an ultimatum - tell him you are going back to work due to his inability to sort himself out.

AND I would open his post (if obviously bills).

This would make me mad.

Everything is joint- well ISAs and credit cards etc aren't in name at least, but I open his post (he doesn't and he knows that I do and tells me to). We're completely overdrawn all the time , so that aspect doesn't work, but we don't have any concept of his and hers money- it's all ours. TBH I don't see how it can work without that in place.

he is not, he is lovely and wonderful and a fantastic dad, he does more than his fair share with housework, even takes me out on little dates every now and again. It's just that he has always been useless with money because he has been earning a comfortable salary and it used to be just him spending it - except that things have changed now and money doesn't quite go as long a way as it used to.

I've been trying to get him to move everything online but again it's 'yes I'll sort it out', and then not. A shambles, yes.

The system that works for us is for me to have control of , and responsibility for, all money matters My dh earns the money, but asks me to put more cash in his account if he knows he's having a heavy month.
We do still have seperate accounts, but all are internet operated and I have access to all of them. Like your situation dh's monthly salary doesn't completely cover our monthly expenses, but his bonus is in a savings account which is also operable over the internet.

It means I never feel like I am begging for money, it also takes some pressure of him, and gives me a "job" that occasionally requires some adult thought

sorry kitegirl, I was being unfair re:controlling. baka - it just saves so much mental energy if you're not having to keep track of his money/her money, but I guess some relationships work very differently to others...

can't you set up a direct debit to transfer money from the deposit account into the current one so that it doesn't go overdrawn ?

Show him this post - and tell him you have to get it sorted because it is a stupid thing to get so stressed about.

agree with NQC - would he agree to you sorting out the finances? Or failing that could he not put a regular standing order into the joint account so that you have enough for the day to day expenses, and you can just keep tabs on that one? Or, how about you have your own household account, agree an amount that goes into it, then you know that you can pay for the bills etc?
I'm not a SAHM but in our house I do all the finances. DH is not an overspender (thank goodness, I would find that very stressful) but is just not very interested. He doesn't even know how much he earns! Whereas I have a very clear idea in my head what our ingoings and outgoings are.
ime the only way to deal with someone who is lax with their money is to make sure there is enough money that they CAN'T spend...

I agree with Prufock - set it all up on the internet and then you take control of the accounts. Actually that is pretty much what we do - we both earn (work part time) and have separate accounts - but all the money is effectively joint - and it is my job to make sure everything gets paid (DH doesn't even know how to get to log in to the internet accounts - because he is happier to let me do it )

DH earns, I stay at home. We both have our own bank accounts. DH has 2 accounts, one for household stuff where all the bills (inc food, petrol, etc) are paid from via direct debits, the other account holds whatever is leftover. I do the food shopping etc but I just take his debit card and get on with it.

So, in reality DH deals with all the finances, but I have access to all the paperwork & accounts should I feel the urge to get bogged down in that stuff , nothing is hidden from me financially.

DH deposits an amount of money into my account monthly which I use for little frivolities (nights out, clothes etc), I also get the CHB and have a credit card which DH pays monthly.

TBH, I found it so hard to adjust to being 'supported' by DH when I left f/t work. Losing my own income was a big blow and very very hard to get used to. Caused a number of arguements in the early days.

Kitegirl, we have had our share of money troubles since ds came along and I sympathise. If it helps, the only way i have coped is by taking up the reins of the money myself. We have a joint account (I do two days work but earn pitiful money so really it's mainly my husbands money) but the money in our house is ours not his! I have actually closed our sole accounts as these stemmed from the old days when we both had good salaries coming in and we were still using them and getting overdrawn on all accounts! so we now just have a joint account and a savings account (tumbleweed blows through the bank and an eerie silence pervades the room when they check the activity on this account....

My husband doesn't even have a card at the moment! So it's reins of steel for me.

I just think at this stage with young kids, unless you're really well off, that one person has to be in control and that person should obviously be YOU, bless your lovely husband!!!!

Hi there

This must be so frustrating and upsetting for you. I could not live like that it would make me angry. I gave up a £20k a year job to be a SAHM so it was a heck of a shock not to have my 'own' money (-:

All of DP's money goes into our joint account. From there I pay everything. On pay day I go online and in 5 minutes I pay mortgage, council tax, everything. I have all the online details to his other accounts/credit cards etc and I pay them every month. I put money into our savings and our sons.

I do all the insurances everything. I have a big calendar stuck to the fridge with everything on it, appointments, birthdays, mots, services, tax etc. So I know when anything is due. If I want something I go and buy it (if we have enough for me to do so).

It is much easier for me to deal with this as I can make phone calls and shop around for prices at home during the day rather than him doing it in an evening, at work or at the weekend.

I may be a SAHM but I am still my DP's equal. No real help I know, but I would insist on sorting out his finances I just couldn't live the way you do.

It is unacceptable that your DH is being so slack with the family money. I am not a SAHM but I do work part time because of having young children and so have taken the accompanies hit in career prospects and income. Therefore I am sort of in the same position as you because his and hers money wouldn't work for us either.

I think you need to arrange a slot where you will sit down with DH and he will give you all his account details etc. Then you can go away and work out what to do with what, which accounts to close etc and what needs to be done with regards to bills and then (if you are happy with this) arrange to have them transferred to your name. Also I think that it might be sensible to have some of the a/cs in your name only for tax purposes. Otherwise what reason is there for them not to be joint?

My first thought is that you should be ruthless and turn the situation on its head (as it were) so YOU are in control of the household finances and all HE has to do is give you the money, as it seems to be the thought of all the paperwork that's putting him off.

Even if the household bills are in his name, I'd open them (it's your house too!) and get a handle on your outgoings.
Once you've worked out how much it is you need per month, and what the discrepancy is between this and DH's salary, all he needs to do is to set up ONE standing order from his bonus account to cover the shortfall. Then the same amount of money will come in every month without him actually having to do anything about it. Paying insurance, TV licence etc in monthly installments stops nasty surprises once a year.

I appreciate this hasn't addressed his lack of transparency about his finances, but to be honest so long as the bills get paid, kids are fed and clothed etc, I think there's a limit to how much he can be forced to tell you, and the more you nag the more secretive he may get ('It's my money, I'll do what I like with it!')

Making him more aware of how to handle his money may help - perhaps an appointment with the savings chap at his bank under the guise of 'Don't you want your money to be working for you as hard possible? After all, you work so hard to earn it...' (ego massage not necessary but often works).

Although I'm not a SAHM my DH sounds rather like yours. Once I took responsibility for the 'house account' it all fell into place - he now pays in a standing order once a month, and I take care of everything else.

Good luck, sorry for going on so long!

wow, thank you, lots of good advice. I can't tell how much I hate having the same argument every month so this is going to get sorted right now. And I will start opening his post. I love being with my son but to be honest, sometimes I do miss the person I was when I was studying/working. Same old chestnut...

All dh's money is our money. All accounts are joint, with the exception of one which was opened is my name only for tax reasons. I have full control, though equally dh has full access. We have one discussion each year about money which is when his bonus comes in (yep, we're in the mainly paid annually category too). So around this time of year we have a quick look at our budget (which is fairly rough - we know roughly what we spend from month to month), and then we decide what "extra" we have that year (so we've decided how much we're spending on holidays, and how much we're spending on house stuff).

Because we're bonus driven we have an offset mortgage so our various accounts net off for interest calcaulation (must check what happens in practice is our current account is overdrawn but it hasn't happened yet).

Marry a richer man and deal with all the money! and back in real life...............

Same as Lucy5 here.... DH's wages and all benefits (CTC/CB) go into one account, I control EVERYTHING. Make sure everything is paid. Once we know what is left over, i transfer it into our spends account. I still do all shopping etc and he very rarely asks for money.... cant remember the last time DH had moeny in jis pocket!

If my dp wants money I need to have more sex! yes he is my prostitute for his money!

My DH thinks Matrin Lewis (Money saving expert) modelled himself on me . One thing to consider with savings if you are not working and not a tax payer is "Interest earned from building society savings accounts is paid to savers net of tax at 20%. For lower or basic-rate taxpayers, there is no further tax to pay, but higher-rate taxpayers have to pay an additional 20%. Non-taxpayers can receive interest free of tax by completing Inland Revenue form R85. These forms are available directly from building societies." Tell him to move the savings into your name

Lacrimosa I am so glad you added that last sentance, I thought your husband was your pimp for a second there (-:

No! I am his pimp, only for me though!