Money and marriage - how do you SAHM's make it work?

[kitegirl]

tell me, MN, those of you who are SAHM's with husbands who are working and earning, how do you deal with money?

I have just had my 2 billionth argument with my tosser of a dh about this and short of going back to work and having separate incomes (which I don't want to do as we both think our ds and soon-to-be-born no 2 benefit so much from having me around) I don't know how to get him to sort out his act. Dh is useless with money. We have a joint account where his salary goes, which should cover direct debits, mortgage and household bills, purchases like food, ds's clothes etc. However, his monthly salary is not enough to cover our monthly expenses (thanks to a stupid whopping London mortgage!) so he tops it up from a deposit account where his annual bonus gets paid (a City thing, income is weighted towards annual bonus). I don't have access to this account so it's his responsibility to make sure there's enough money on the joint a/c for me to buy food, petrol etc. Except that he is absolutely useless and he doesn't, so EVERY SINGLE MONTH we are overdrawn, and I have my card refused at checkouts and having to use a cc I only have for emergencies. Also, he has a couple of savings accounts/ISAs that I don't have access to and another personal account that I don't have access to, which I found out after new year was thousands and thousands of pounds overdrawn because I found a bank statement by accident. Ds was born 2 years ago and I stopped working and have been nagging about having some transparency over our finances ever since then. I have no idea how much money we have at any given time because he has different bank accounts and about a thousand cards that he uses all the time, there could be a £20K hole for all I know. All bills are in his name, he never opens his post as he is too lazy to do that so when I nag him to do it every couple of weeks we find letters telling our car or house insurance has expired, unpaid congenstion charge has doubled etc. I can't budget anything because I don't know what is coming in or going out. He has promised to sort out joint access to all his savings and deposit accounts but despite stern words from me every month, it still hasn't been done. The thing is, I am used to having my own income and now, every month, I find myself asking dh to give me cash to buy nappies as I have no funds on our account - that is demeaning, belittling and makes me feel barely one step up from an au pair. I have told him how his inability to sort his finances out makes me feel, he promises to sort it out, but then forgets. How do you SAHM's deal with money and admin, whose responsiblity is it and do you have a system that works?

Everything my DH earns is our money, it is paid into a joint account which we both have access to. He takes care of the rent and bills as its something he enjoys (!!). On top of that we withdraw a certain amount a month, of which he gets a proportion for any necessaries eg lunch/snacks/books for work etc etc and I get the rest for family expenses as I buy all the family food, clothes etc. Any expenses over £50 require at least a mention to the other partner, over £100 a discussion. Any money left at the end of the month is taken out of next months money. It was DH's suggestion and it works quite well as neither of us have to ask the other for money, both feel in control and it allows us to budget and save efficiently.

Right our circumstances are very similar I think, even down to having DH's that don't bother to open their post etc.

I am SAHM and DH's salary just (and I do mean just) covers our day to day expenses and bills. Bonus pays for school fees, holidays and luxuries.

DH has put all his accounts onto on-line banking and advised our bank to give me access to all accounts. It helps that he does a lot of business with bank so I have a contact there who will take instuctions from me.

I open all post and deal with all bills. If there isn't enough money in my account I go on-line and move some from DH's then let him know.

If I want an expensive treat I ask because I'd be annoyed if he spent a large amount of money on himself without checking that I didn't need the money for school fees, uniform, other large bill so vice versa is also fair.

I think you need to sit down with him and go through all the finances. Say that you will take over responsibility for managing family money but first you need to know where all of it is/isn't.

If he is just lazy about looking after his own finances like my DH I think he will probably be glad not to have to worry about it any more. If he is being hopeless on purpose to keep some 'control' over you then you might have a bigger problem.

Gook luck

Ooops good luck obviously!

Me and dh have a joint account where all the dd's and so's are paid out of. We also have separate current accounts. From dh's sole account he pays enough into the joint one to cover all the outgoings so I know every month all bills get paid. I am in charge if keeping an eye to make sure all is ok - if there is ever a shortfall dh pays a bit extra into the joint one.

Well, I work freelance so do contribute financially but am otherwise SAHM - all our money goes into one account and all the bills go out of it (DD). I manage the finances - make sure bills are paid, work out budgets if we need to, check through statements etc.

I could not be doing with 'asking' for money - what is that all about!?

Hi kitegirl, sorry you are living through something i go through every month too, but we stopped fighting recently.

My situation is still awful but now we atleast dont fight, tbh I had to explain to my dp that he either behaved like an adult towards money or our realionship was over. Month after month of stuffing up our future. We are short by about £300 for basics, and as a consequence have no contents insurance, life assurance etc. I worry about these things and I never thought he did, and but something changed in him after i told him straight i'm gone if you discuss this and change. And I tell you what after not eating anything other than porrige for days every month end, i bloody meant it. (I don't have any credit cards)

That was about three months ago, we still owe £303 council tax but thats on hold til end Feb and he does not take it as a personal attack (on his manhood?) that we dont have enough when we talk about money. His philosophy was "no point in talking about it, its always the same conversation" but now he realises its up to us both to decide who to pay and not to pay, and we agree at the begining of the month, and if we hit hard times we hit them together.

These are the things I changed in me to stop the fighting

posted on mn for support
told dp without anger it was equality or the end
picked my times carefully to bring up the subject
took saturday work
went to a charity that gives councelling for donations, and told dp this was to help me not bottle up anger, which is true.

hth, you are not alone. Good luck!

the thing is, I don't know if he is just hopeless or if he is being a tw*t, thinking that because he earns the money he is entitled to keep it under lock and key. I have been arguing about this for 2 YEARS! Just been opening his post (ha!) and found another credit card statement with £1,500 on it for a card that I didn't know he had. We have had these conversations about a thousand times but he is so terrible at procrastinating, promising to do something the next day and then never getting round to doing it. I feel so frustrated at having no control of this, and his constant promises and promises... I don't know.

this is the thread\link{http:/www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=7&threadid=125291}

Dp has his account - he pays all hh bills except food and kids clothes and my personal spending.
I get child benefit into my account, plus my Child support from exp for DS, (we also get disabiity living allowance/carers allowance for dd which I get) and child tax credits
DP and I will generally save what is leftover.
He is very careful with money and always keeps an eye on accounts - I'm a spendthrift but this way it keeps it under control.
My mum and dad split mainly because of my dads inability to share his money with mum (she was sahm)

oops, meant to preview, just thought it might help to read a bit of how i was before, but anyway I think you have the right to be treated as a partner in the money that comes in, you do valuable work at home.

blossom thank you, I read your earlier thread, thank you for sharing that.

I am an sahm so that my dh can work abroad and we can travel to see him as often as possible.

Our money is all paid into accounts to which I have full access,apart from some stuff in my name only as he is a non UK tax payer.

He does all the paperwork-easy with online banking,although bizarre when he phones me from thousands of miles away,squeaking
'I can't believe you spent XYZ on wallpaper in town on Monday!'

I can't understand all this separate accounts business. Why make life more complicated?
If you embark on a permanent relationship with someone,don't you share everything?

dh and I started pooling resources about three weeks after we met, without ever really even thinking about it. We knew we were going to be together, so it seemed the obvious thing to do. There wasn't (and isn't) a lot of spare money floating about for either of us to get precious over anyway!! It would never occur to dh that I have less right to the money he earns than he does. I look after our children. I sometimes feel awkward about it myself though, and wish I had an income of my own, but I think that runs deeper than just money (for lots of women , not just me).

anniemac, it's just his monthly salary that is less than our monthly outgoings through the only account I have access to - he gets an annual bonus which sits on his personal account and is, I am not being smug and I feel bad for whingeing as many people make do with lot less, a considerable five figure sum, sometimes six (!!). What makes me mad is that I often have no money literally to put petrol in the car, and he has numerous savings & deposit accounts fully loaded that I have no access to. Your comment was interesting as I have often asked him how he would feel if things were turned around - and I wish we could turn the tables so he could see how much work it is looking after kids & house!

kitegirl - you are obviously reasonably well off with no need for you to be getting your card refused etc. You need to sort him. We got a joint account when we got a joint mortgage so obviously had things in place well before children which might have helped matters.

Sorry cross posted there kite but saying the same thing as you. Get him sorted!

Sounds like your dh earns a good salary + bonus which should be enough to cover your needs, so my question is, when you find these various credit card bills which he hasn't paid off, what exactly has he been spending the money on? Has he got used to spending lots on "boys toys" for example, pre-kids and has continued to do so without thinking it through? I am much more careful with money than my dh but thankfully he realises that he can no longer buy the latest gadget or whatever as soon as it comes out but needs to save up rather than putting it on his credit card and worrying about it later (which is what he used to do...) Why do you only have a credit card for emergencies yet he has dozens?

I think it does take some people (women as well as men) some time to stop thinking about their income as theirs only but rather for the family. I think YOU need to work out how much the family needs every month to cover all your bills and then tell him it is his responsibility to ensure that amount is in the joint account every month, whether it comes from his salary or bonus. I would also agree you should open anything that looks like a bill so you can get a clearer picture of where you stand overall.

Here is an idea to reduce your overdraft issue..
Get a second card on one of this credit card accounts
Use that for all your household stuff - groceries, petrol etc
Each month you will have enough time from statement date to payment date to transfer money from his savings a/c and pay it in full

assuming you have no taxable income then the bonus should ideally be in an account in your name so you can reclaim the tax on the interest payments

Banks love people like your dh kitegirl.They sit back and laugh as the money rolls in because people can't get it together enough to pay their bills on time.

Appeal to his manly competitive streak-does he enjoy being made a fool of???

My dh refuses to let anyone get one over on him,least of all the banks!!

we've always had a joint account - it made more sense cos dh always earned more than me

whether you're working outside the home or not you are making a contribution to your partnership - that's what marriage is - a 50/50 partnership - don't hold with all this his/her money, very bizarre imho

Don't want to frighten you but this sound horribly familiar. A relative of mine was a SAHM for 10 years blissfully unaware that DH was getting them more and more into debt. SHe first found out about it when the balliffs came a knocking.

Anyway he was tens of thousands in debt and they had to remortgage to get them out of a crisis. SHe then nagged him about his/their finances for the next few years. He would be evasive and loose his temper telling her that she was emasculating him and guess what the bailiffs came knocking again. They are in a real bad way now and stand to lose their home not to mention their marriage.

YOu cannot let this situation continue. Ask him directly to see all his bank statements and then work from there. If he does comply with a reasonable request I would worry.

I deal with all our finances. My dh was in debt when I met him and its because of me we are basically debt free(apart from mortgage etc). If left to him then we would be homeless and skint. We have a joint account and his wages go into it and mine will too when I go back to work in 5 weeks time. It took me years to make him see that if the latest boys toy has to be bought on a cc its not worth it.