Money and marriage - how do you SAHM's make it work?

[kitegirl]

tell me, MN, those of you who are SAHM's with husbands who are working and earning, how do you deal with money?

I have just had my 2 billionth argument with my tosser of a dh about this and short of going back to work and having separate incomes (which I don't want to do as we both think our ds and soon-to-be-born no 2 benefit so much from having me around) I don't know how to get him to sort out his act. Dh is useless with money. We have a joint account where his salary goes, which should cover direct debits, mortgage and household bills, purchases like food, ds's clothes etc. However, his monthly salary is not enough to cover our monthly expenses (thanks to a stupid whopping London mortgage!) so he tops it up from a deposit account where his annual bonus gets paid (a City thing, income is weighted towards annual bonus). I don't have access to this account so it's his responsibility to make sure there's enough money on the joint a/c for me to buy food, petrol etc. Except that he is absolutely useless and he doesn't, so EVERY SINGLE MONTH we are overdrawn, and I have my card refused at checkouts and having to use a cc I only have for emergencies. Also, he has a couple of savings accounts/ISAs that I don't have access to and another personal account that I don't have access to, which I found out after new year was thousands and thousands of pounds overdrawn because I found a bank statement by accident. Ds was born 2 years ago and I stopped working and have been nagging about having some transparency over our finances ever since then. I have no idea how much money we have at any given time because he has different bank accounts and about a thousand cards that he uses all the time, there could be a £20K hole for all I know. All bills are in his name, he never opens his post as he is too lazy to do that so when I nag him to do it every couple of weeks we find letters telling our car or house insurance has expired, unpaid congenstion charge has doubled etc. I can't budget anything because I don't know what is coming in or going out. He has promised to sort out joint access to all his savings and deposit accounts but despite stern words from me every month, it still hasn't been done. The thing is, I am used to having my own income and now, every month, I find myself asking dh to give me cash to buy nappies as I have no funds on our account - that is demeaning, belittling and makes me feel barely one step up from an au pair. I have told him how his inability to sort his finances out makes me feel, he promises to sort it out, but then forgets. How do you SAHM's deal with money and admin, whose responsiblity is it and do you have a system that works?

My hubbie earns and apparently i do "all the spending"!!! No, in truth, I try to put all the bills in my name so that I can take control and try to keep out heads above water. In fact, my hubbie often remarks how amazing it is that he earns and I give him "spends"!!! But, I think this system just works for us. If he was in control of the money completely, we'd have none!!!

Well, we basically, have one account that DHs salary goes into and billa are paid from. We don't have any savings or anything else. I have an accountin my name which the child benefit and tax credits go into.

We have a loan to pay off credit card debt, DHs I may add, and that is all we owe (aside from mortgage). We have had to put the brakes on spending over the last few years as me not contributing financially was buffered at first but now we have to budget.

I could not cope if DH did controlled the finances as I have to know everything is OK.

joint account which dh's salaray goes into. account in my name which has my carers allowance and child benefit equivalent.... out of my account - comes car payments, dd1's swimming and kindy fees. Everything else comes out of the other account. Each have a credit card which is paid off by direct debit.

Dh 'does' our finances and all that worry - spreadsheeting budgeting etc. We have a set budget which is grocery and petrol money and then spending money for each of us per week. That spending money covers things for the dds - unless it is big and then comes straight from the account and dh's train tickets for commuting etc.

I know the general state of our accounts but dh knows the particulars.... our bank accounts are avialable online so I can check at anytime if I want to. But he is sooo responsible when it comes to finances that I really have no worry.

kitegirl, if you don't know if he is just hopeless or being a t*at, why don't you ask him?

Try something along the lines of, "I'd like to know whether our arguments each month are caused because you can't be bothered to sort out finances out or if it's because you are finding it difficult to think of your earnings as ours. If it's because you have an issue with the money being 'ours', we really need to talk about this because it is really difficult and humilliating for me to have to ask you for money every month and to have my cards rejected. I love you very much and in every other respect you are the most super husband a woman could have. I just want to get on with enjoying our life together and not have this worry hanging over me."

See what he says...you will at least know from his response if he is being a t*at or not.

Kitegirl, it strikes me that your dh hasn't grasped that no matter who physically works OTH, you are MARRIED, therefore there's no such thing as His and Yours, they are ALL joint marital assets. I haven't read the whole thread, sorry if I'm repeating anyone. We both WOTH and have a joint account - everything goes into it and everything comes out of it. We have personal accounts too but there's nothing in them so they're not used. Good luck, this would piss me off enormously too whether I was a SAHM (have been, not now) or a WOTHM.

I deal with the financial side of our relationship, thats because DH doesnt want to and because the last time he did it we had to take a loan out because he was just spending it.

I do everything online and whats left is both of ours for trips out etc.

kitegirl, I work pt. But fulltime home administrator.

All I can say is - just take charge of the finances. Get an in-principle mandate from your dh. It doesn't sound like he will disagree. If anything, he will be grateful.

Work out your average outgoings a month, open all bills (including those in his name), know where all bills are filed or if not, get a file, many files. DO the filing - can you see how much I am enjoying this!

With that monthly figure, you will know how much shortfall your joint account is in every month. Arrange a monthly standing order from the deposit account to meet this shortfall. If your dh is slow to arrange this, just call dh's bank and get the form, fill it in for him and just get him to sign on the dotted line. Dh's bank will not discuss the specifics of his account with you (because you are not the account holder) but they can deal with general requests for forms. Then post that form to the bank.

Better still, get dh to open online banking with the bank with which he opened the deposit account. Once again, get the form, fill it in, post it. With his password, you can manage any shortfalls over and above the standing order amounts online.

oh, and arrange for all bills (including credit card bills) to be paid by direct debit from the joint account. You know the drill ...

thank you so much for your replies and advice, love you all - this has helped enormously! New regime starts today and dh has meekly agreed. xxx

well done !!!! we win we win la la la la (sorry having a mad moment)