Am i in the wrong for not giving him another chance

[jaynel]

Ok, ive had a lot of advice from friends and family but need people that dont know me to give me there opinions
Ive been with my husband 11 years, married for 7 we have two dc and separate dds my dd called him dad as his been in her life since she was 2. ive always thought id be with him forever even though ive never really been IN love with him but over the last 3-4 years things have changed. he became moody stressy stroppy would swear a lot was very nasty to my dd, (actually his always been horrible to her) i would stick up for her as she is mine and we would row, he would then tell her off and tell her if me and him ever split up it would be her fault!
Anyway about 3 years id had enough i asked him to move out which he did but he hounded me everyday for 3 weeks begging me to take him back, i wasnt ready but for a quite life i did it, he had anger management and councelling which worked for a while but was never perfect. his never liked my familly espically my father so would slag him off to my face all the time which was awful and upsetting. he is so angry all the time swears shouts moans at the children (never me) starts on my dd in the morning, then when he would come home from work if the hall light was on he would go mad if the toys werent put away he'd go mad, wouldnt have much to do with the children id bath them put them to bed unless i asked him to do it.

Anyway to cut a long story short ive become very down over the last 2 years grinned and beared it for the sake of the children kind of "you made your bed you lie in it". I stopped loving him a very long time ago i began to not want to kiss him, cuddle him, and have sex with him. I always thought something was wrong with me because i never wanted sex really. anyway ive started noticing other men, espically this one person at work, nothing happened i didnt cheat but we got chatting and i told him how i felt about my husband, he said he could tell i wasnt happy,(as did other people) we became good friends and i began to have a lot of feelings for this person as did, did he. I told my husband 8 weeks ago i didnt love him anymore he refuesed to leave but after a week he went. i am now seeing this other person and other than constant harassment from my husband ive never been so happy in my whole life, ive also found this sex drive ive never had. my husband refuses to let go he will not leave me alone begging harrassing, being nasty im a bad mother, im a cheat, im a liar etc. Telling the children all kinds of things, driving around looking for me while they are in the car. he told mt eldest 13 im Shagging someone else, while the others where in the back of the car. he has been saying alsorts.
he doesnt know about this other person yet but someone sent him an annomus email saying ask me about this person which ive denied as i dont want him to know just yet and i never cheated anyway.

He is desparte for another chance but ive been consistant in saying no as i dont love him anymore and dont believe he can change, am i doing the right thing or should i try again?

Sorry its so long just really need some help as im at the end of my tether

[curiositykitten]

Noone else can make your decision.

However, imo, if you leave the relationship it should be for YOU, not for another person.

[OldLadyKnowsNothing]

So, he has actually moved out, but continues to harrass you? I would speak to a lawyer about seeking an injunction. Do not have him back, you and your dd have had years of hell from him.

[QuintessentialyHollow]

You gave him a chance once, and he blew it.

You owe it to your daughter to take her out of this situation. But for goodness sake, take it slow, and dont start introducing your kids to "their new daddy" for a looooong time yet.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Since it seems he's pretty horrible to the kids, even his own, staying together for their sakes seems a bit silly really. Your DD in particular would be a much happier, more relaxed little girl if he wasn't in her life. I hope you make it very clear to her that it is absolutely not her fault you split up, but your husband's, as he was neither a good father nor a good partner.

You have every right to refuse to stay with someone who doesn't treat you properly, and not only a right but a duty to refuse to stay with someone who doesn't treat your children properly.

[JustHecate]

He's always been horrible to your child?

I hope you don't give him another chance, actually.

[Lueji]

It doesn't make sense to give him another chance.

He doesn't even seem very mature on the breaks

[clam]

For whose benefit exactly would you be trying again for? Not yours, and certainly not your dd's - and probably not for the dcs you share with him.
Cut your losses and get out. But I suggest you spend a bit of time on your own (with your kids) settling them and adjusting before you let anything further develop with this other guy.

[jaynel]

Thanks for the response, the only thing is my dd is protecting me and begging me to take him back, she says he misses me and loves me and wants us together again, i gently remind her what he used to do and say and she says his changed and wont be like that again, i feel like his brainwashed her and she hates me. i wont introduce my new friend to them for a while but dont think my dd would except him anyway and my husband is going to make it very diffcuit for me. I have been advised to seek legal adviced but i am concerned about what my husband will do as he has become very nasty and possevive kind of controling like im his trophy and he does worry me.

Have i moved on too soon, should i not be this happy, i know my husband is heartbroken but i cant help feelingi wish he'd disappear?

[tadpoles]

Good grief - he sounds like a complete nightmare - I'm not surprised he is 'desperate for another chance' - who would put up with him? Tell him you want to separate as you have found his behaviour intolerable and you and the children would be happier without him.

The new love interest is hardly surprising seeing as you have been with someone who is emotionally abusive - not just to you but also to your daughter. However, I would take one step at a time. First disentangle yourself from this abusive man. He will up the ante because he realises that you have reached the end of the road - all the more reason to stay firm.

[JustHecate]

She's a child. She is not mature enough to make such decisions, or to understand the implications of them.

You are.

Heartbroken is not stalking you and subjecting you to vile abuse, fwiw.

[jaynel]

Thank you tadpoles, its been very hard im not sure how ive not gone back really the pressure has been awful, i get constant texts, emails he writes nasty things on facebook, when he was having the children at the house he would go through my things looking for clues of me cheating, would read into all sorts, i can safely say ive never cheated but felt just recently if i didnt end the marraige i would end up cheating and i really didnt want to that, a couple of weeks ago he refused to give my children back after having them for the night, he was sending me constant text so i told him i didnt want to see or speak to him and to drop the children at my mums, he refused and said if i didnt see him he would not give the children back,and said my ds wanted to stay with him. i spoke to ds who said he wanted to stay so i had to leave it, didnt want to cause a scene for them

[AnyFucker]

No, please don't give another chance

This new man is a side-issue

You shouldn't give your H another chance because he is twat, and he will not change.

If he keeps harassing you, report him to the police and get a Non-Molestation Order.

[ThePinkPussycat]

What delightful behaviour! It so shows he has changed, I just can't understand why you aren't jumping at the chance.

What a knob.

[HoudiniHissy]

Your Ex told your DD that if you and he split it would be HER fault. She is trying to fix it bacause she thinks she is to blame.

your Ex is abusive, manipulative and not suitable to be around your children.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, don't take this man back!

Take it slowly with the new man, you need to be sure he's on the level. but as the others have said, this is a side issue and nothing to do with your ex

[HoudiniHissy]

Oh and following on from his refusal to hand your DC back? stop access. Get an agreement in place, via a contact centre. he has terrorised those children too.

[PrincessWellington]

I agree with everyone who has said not to go back to him. However, IMO you have had an EA and this was a catalyst for the breakdown of the relationship so I see his point of view slightly where he is saying you are a cheat.

[PooPooInMyToes]

Why would you consider taking someone back who has always been horrible to your child?

I would imagine she has self esteem as low as the floor. Its no wonder she wants him back, she knows nothing else and she thinks she deserves no better. No different to an abused wife taking back an abusive husband.

You need more then anything to work on your daughters self esteem and you need to start teaching her that no one is allowed to talk to her like that and say those things. Perhaps get professional help for her through the Dr. You HAVE to do something otherwise its just a matter of time before she really is in an adult abusive relationship!

The same applies to your other children.

[PooPooInMyToes]

How old are your other children?

Im so shocked by this thread!

[AnyFucker]

nice, PW, very nice

so OP deserves this man terrorising her, and the kids deserve it too

[jaynel]

But I haven't cheated on him I started seeing this other person when we separated, my dd said she feels she's to blame as we argued about her ive assure her it's nothing she has done but sadly sometimes people change and fall out of love. When he constantly rings and texts i ignore hi
Is that the right thing to do? I'm sick of him constantly promising he will change he can make me love him again I need to try again for the sake of the dc

[AnyFucker]

jayne, it doesn't matter, ignore what PW said

you could have slept with all the members of the local rugby squad simultaneously and he still wouldn't be entitled to treat you like this

[PrincessWellington]

If someone came on her and gave the opposite story (minus the abuse) you would all say EA. My opinion stays the same. I never said his behaviour was excusable just that I could see where he was coming from saying she was a cheat because in his eyes she is.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Oh, and what Hissy said about contact. Don't give him a chance to hold your children to ransom. He should be seeing them because he loves them and wants to help bring them up, not to use them as bargaining chips.

[jaynel]

My dc are 13 (my dd) 6 and 2 my dd was the one who got told off and shouted at all the time or snide remarks of we went for a walk and she wanted to walk with me he would get the hump and say things like get out your mothers back side, leave your mother alone she and dsd where not allow to sit in the middle of us on the sofa but he would never moan when the little ones did, is she say downstairs with us in the evening she would talk admittly a lot he would tell her to shut up and watch tv so she would go and sit in her room and watch tv, I'd beg him to leave her alone but she would talk loud enough for her to hear and say no she needs to learn shes rude lazy dirty blar blar blar. Your probably all thinking why didn't I leave sooner well because I knew this would happen! I'm not going to lie the man adores me he used to say he couldn't wait for the children to grow up so we could have a life together! It scared the crap out of me because I didn't want to be left with a man I didn't love that's why I've got to be strong and not go back

[swallowedAfly]

jayne i think next time you and dd talk about it you need to say really clearly to her that it was wrong how he treated her and wrong that you let him - not saying that to have a go at you honestly but i think she needs to hear that and realise that this was an adult mess and adult failings and nothing to do with her.

make sure you are documenting the harrassment and keeping all the messages etc.