Am i in the wrong for not giving him another chance

[jaynel]

Ok, ive had a lot of advice from friends and family but need people that dont know me to give me there opinions
Ive been with my husband 11 years, married for 7 we have two dc and separate dds my dd called him dad as his been in her life since she was 2. ive always thought id be with him forever even though ive never really been IN love with him but over the last 3-4 years things have changed. he became moody stressy stroppy would swear a lot was very nasty to my dd, (actually his always been horrible to her) i would stick up for her as she is mine and we would row, he would then tell her off and tell her if me and him ever split up it would be her fault!
Anyway about 3 years id had enough i asked him to move out which he did but he hounded me everyday for 3 weeks begging me to take him back, i wasnt ready but for a quite life i did it, he had anger management and councelling which worked for a while but was never perfect. his never liked my familly espically my father so would slag him off to my face all the time which was awful and upsetting. he is so angry all the time swears shouts moans at the children (never me) starts on my dd in the morning, then when he would come home from work if the hall light was on he would go mad if the toys werent put away he'd go mad, wouldnt have much to do with the children id bath them put them to bed unless i asked him to do it.

Anyway to cut a long story short ive become very down over the last 2 years grinned and beared it for the sake of the children kind of "you made your bed you lie in it". I stopped loving him a very long time ago i began to not want to kiss him, cuddle him, and have sex with him. I always thought something was wrong with me because i never wanted sex really. anyway ive started noticing other men, espically this one person at work, nothing happened i didnt cheat but we got chatting and i told him how i felt about my husband, he said he could tell i wasnt happy,(as did other people) we became good friends and i began to have a lot of feelings for this person as did, did he. I told my husband 8 weeks ago i didnt love him anymore he refuesed to leave but after a week he went. i am now seeing this other person and other than constant harassment from my husband ive never been so happy in my whole life, ive also found this sex drive ive never had. my husband refuses to let go he will not leave me alone begging harrassing, being nasty im a bad mother, im a cheat, im a liar etc. Telling the children all kinds of things, driving around looking for me while they are in the car. he told mt eldest 13 im Shagging someone else, while the others where in the back of the car. he has been saying alsorts.
he doesnt know about this other person yet but someone sent him an annomus email saying ask me about this person which ive denied as i dont want him to know just yet and i never cheated anyway.

He is desparte for another chance but ive been consistant in saying no as i dont love him anymore and dont believe he can change, am i doing the right thing or should i try again?

Sorry its so long just really need some help as im at the end of my tether

[janelikesjam]

would swear a lot was very nasty to my dd, (actually his always been horrible to her)

Unless I'm missing something, didn't need to read any more. Its funny how I think I would accept / have accepted some shitty behaviour from a man (unfortuantely) but if he fucking humiliated or distressed my son I'd fucking throttle him.

Perhaps it doesn't work like that for everyone ...

[PooPooInMyToes]

Wow just looked up pheonix. It does sound like you op, is it?

Your poor daughter.

[Catkinsthecatinthehat]

Jaynel, apologies if I've got the wrong end of the stick but have you previously posted about your problems under a different name? (your difficulties are very similar to a poster called Phoenix2).

If you have, please don't take him back as by your own admission he's been abusing your DD. You posted that after years of constant belittling she was now lethargic and withdrawn, spoke quietly rather than at normal volume, and couldn't even swallow food properly.

If you're not Phoenix2, please have a look at her posts as she has a 13 year old daughter who has been so ground down by her stepfather she can't function normally. You say that your h has been 'horrible' to her for 11 years, but it's been worse for the last 3 or 4. That would make for a tough childhood, and if she's now 13 she's at a challenging and emotionally fraught time in her life. How she is treated now will have a big impact on her life as an adult. Please put her first.

[tadpoles]

"I agree with everyone who has said not to go back to him. However, IMO you have had an EA and this was a catalyst for the breakdown of the relationship so I see his point of view slightly where he is saying you are a cheat."

That is just rubbish. She has developed feelings for someone else. However, as she has clearly stated, the relationship has been unravelling for years and she has been unhappy but putting up with it.

I DO see where he is coming from - a typical (male) abusive perspective - having been an arse for years and not modifying his behaviour he can now (finally!) find something to try to make her feel guilty about.

Why should she feel guilty? There is no law about who you may or may not have feelings for? It does not make her a cheat - that is such an inflammatory thing to say - deliberately designed to play into a sense of guilt. A sense of duty has probably kept the OP with this horrid man for way to long.

If her partner is that 'upset' by her developing feelings for someone else, he is hardly going about wooing her back, is he? ALWAYS watch someone's behaviour OP. The few times I have developed crushes on other people my partner has always done his utmost to convince me that he is the best thing around (and has always succeeded! :) )

Do not give in to emotional blackmail. Stay firm with what you want and put your needs and the needs of your children first.

[PooPooInMyToes]

I agree that its going to take a lot more than one conversation to change your daughter. She has been brought up by this man, his "teachings" are in everything she knows, everything she thinks and feels about herself, everything in how she feels she should be treated. She probably won't even be able to verbalise it.

Counselling very advisable.

[swallowedAfly]

my feeling is that it is better to get things out and dealt with now rather than let them fester - the counsellor could encourage her to explore her feelings about it and question you and say what she needs to say to you so that it is dealt with and out in the open rather than all kicking off in a few years time with the suppressed anger coming out when she's at an age where she's vulnerable to getting into destructive behaviour/relationships/etc itms. i'd go for doing all i could to heal stuff and deal with hurt, anger etc now so your bond is strong when she hits mid teens.

good luck with tackling the harrassment - do document and do get help if you need it. whilst you technically are out of his life the kids are still seeing him and being exposed to his nutty behaviour.

[swallowedAfly]

jayne i wouldn't leave it to chance that she 'gets' it now. i'd show her it was serious by taking action. i wonder if you can book a few sessions with a counsellor for the two of you together to talk about all of this and then if she wants or needs it some sessions on her own?

[HoudiniHissy]

jayne, he won't stop harassing you. He's an abuser, they don't admit defeat.

Go to the police, get as large an amount of heavy (metaphoric) artillery as you can get lined up so that he has no opportunity to get at you.

Call WA, call Respect, call CAB. Don't give up.

You made the right decision, you did the right thing, now you have to keep it that way and over time you will heal that damage.

[ballstoit]

Would like to second the suggestion that you speak to the police and a solicitor asap about both the harassment, and what to about contact with the DC. Please do this tomorrow.

This man doesn't adore you, he believes he owns you, and at the point when it dawns on him that you have escaped, he is going to become a very dangerous man.

[jaynel]

Thank you so much for your support i feel like a big weight has been lifted and now feel even stronger, ive had a chat with my dd and hopefully she will see the things i think she was blocking out because he is making her feel guilty. shes a very clever girl and thinks what he did is nothing compaired to what other kids go through, i feel proud in one way but sad in another, the fact excepted it has hurt me and i hate i put her throught it for so long but now im strong and i know if he stops harrassing us we will be fine.

poopooinmyshoes loved your ending thank you!

[Melxx]

Going through something similar myself at the mo hun. I would stick to your decision. If you take him back then what would be the reason for it? You cant do it for the kids because then you will end up resenting them and very miserable. You need to work out your own feelings separate from the kids and think if you ever actually got anything out of this relationship. From what you have put then I reckon that is a big 'No'.
As for this new man in you life. Take his support but my advice would be to make the friendship stronger than anything else. You are going to be in for a tough ride and dont need any other stresses as in starting a new relationship with someone. Either that or just view it as a bit of fun, some light relief from all the other crap that is going on right now:)

[jaynel]

*if she sat

[solidgoldbrass]

Forgive yourself straight awayfor having taken up with a new man. It was the right thing to do because it gave you the strength to get rid of the knobber you were living with.

The thing about abusive men is they deserve no pity, no second chances: they won't change. They are failed human beings who hate women and it's perfectly all right to reject them and refuse to engage with them apart from via your solicitor. Inform your XP that he is not to contact you in any way other than via email and only then WRT contact arrangements for the children. Ignore texts, put the phone down on him, shut the door in his face: he's irrelevant. Get some good legal advice to put him firmly in his place.

[PooPooInMyToes]

Houdini is right. I was one of those in an abusive relationship. Mentally and physically. It wasn't until i kissed another man that i realised i should leave immediately. I KNEW i should leave him and i tried to but the emotional manipulation, gaslighting etc had me very confused. The kiss was like a massive wake up call and kick up the arse. I had never been unfaithful before despite him being convinced i was.

Anyway it helped me leave. Its irrelevant really because i needed to leave, it didn't matter what prompted it. Who knows that kiss may have saved me years more of abuse and misery so i do not regret it at all.

Princess. That is why i feel the point you are making is pointless. This man has damaged her daughter and treated her like Shit for years. Who knows how this will affect her for the rest of her life and in her adult relationships. The op needs to protect her children by not being with this man and if that is brought about by her meeting someone else then so be it.

Btw. Surprisingly to me and him, my kiss very slowly turned into a relationship which has been going for 14 years and has resulted in 2 beautiful children and much happiness.

[maristella]

I think that for the sake of your DD you must NEVER take this abuser back

It is going to take a while to repair the damage he has done, and if it was my child who had been through this, I would not be dashing into another relationship and put this child first.

If you were to take your husband back it would be a green light for him to set in concrete the damage he has done, you would be giving him permission to do this because you know he refuses to treat her in a non-absive manner.

My advice would be for you to make contact with a solicitor first thing tomorrow. Bullies like your husband need their victims to keep quiet, and speaking out will protect you and your children. I think that you will need a lot of support getting rid of him, and that support is out there.

Google Womens Aid for advice.

And good luck - you CAN do this :)

[PooPooInMyToes]

Yes you're right i am wondering why you didn't leave him. He was treating your child and his own like crap. Begging him to treat her better isn't enough if it isn't having any effect. A good person would treat them better just because that's what you do, not because you have been begged to.

It sounds as though he was very jealous of your daughter and the closeness you shared. Hense not wanting her to walk next to you or sit inbetween you on the sofa.

Why did he call her dirty? Can you IMAGINE the damage that has caused!?

I am also wondering if he had less issues with your younger ones because they are boys. Some issues there perhaps.

Anyway he is clearly a c who you should never take back. Why would you even consider it!? The lack of love for him is not even the important issue, yet your op makes it seem as though it is. The important issue is that he is an absolutely awful dad and i would consider him abusive towards your daughter. THAT should be the reason you are over.

[PrincessWellington]

Duh not true

[PrincessWellington]

Only returning to say nope not princessparty, don't know who she is. I'm not going to answer anything else as I have fucked off. Don't want to be associated with any other poster, especially when it is it true.

[HoudiniHissy]

Jayne, for the very sake of your 13yo, you need to end the abusive relationship NOW. You need to discuss AT LENGTH with her (appropriate material naturally) WHY you had to end it and why his treatment of you and your DC was unacceptable.

You need to show her that women can't be treated like that, and if they are they must end it immediately. There has to be ZERO tolerance on abuse.

[HoudiniHissy]

PW, don't be such a fool.

This guy IS an abuser, and he HAS held the kids and the OP to ransom. It is SO difficult to find the strength to leave any relationship, let alone an abusive one.

VERY often an OM comes into the frame and the feelings the OP gets is what shows her what is missing from her day to day. These women come on here all the time and with only minor digging we SEE why she has fallen into an EA.

Yes getting emotionally involved with another person when you are in a relationship is not ideal, but the relationship here is deeply flawed, is harming the OP and her children DIRECTLY.

TBH, whatever it takes for jayne to get herself and her DC out of this is justifiable. If not for the abuse, I'd be the first to say to Jayne to end the 1st relationship before entering a 2nd albeit emotional one.

PW, you weren't princessparty in a former life were you? her sense of entitlement to judge and ability to dance all over OPs in hobnail boots was practically legendary if not downright cruel. Your style reminds me of hers.

Jayne has been through enough, your uninformed and judgemental snipings are ill-advised and misplaced.

When it comes to abuse, life really IS that black and white actually. Grey is giving chances, benefits of the doubt and an 'in' to people that quite frankly need to be put up against a wall and their sad and miserable lives ended for the good of all the poor buggers that ever get tangled up in their warped and bitter little lives.

[PrincessWellington]

Right I've fucked off as instructed. Maybe that's why every thread ends with either 'leave the bastard' or 'he is an abusive partner' or 'he's having an affair' when in the real world it isn't this black and white.

[motherinferior]

Yep, I agree with SaF and AF and co.

PW, I have plenty of conversations I don't particularly want my DP overhearing. Sometimes they are slightly flirty ones with men . This is completely irrelevant to this thread.

[silvereyes]

oh please jaynel, you and especially your dd deserve so much better than this man.

what if you were looking at this as the mother of your dd in her adult relationship? would you think it right, normal?

He does not sound like a man any child would benefit from, what are they learning?

[AnyFucker]

what saf said

please make some amends with your 13yo

it isn't too late to help re-set her radar about how people in relationships should treat each other

PW let it drop...it is clear you are off base here

[PrincessWellington]

Looks like you've made your decision. You don't need to procrastinate any longer, changing your mind wouldn't be of any use to anyone. I said the stuff about EA because it might help you see how he sees something, regardless of whether or not you consider it cheating. Ask yourself, would you have been happy to let you husband overhear one of your chats when you were getting friendly?