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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH found out about my overdraft, need advice!

78 replies

Hashitthefan · 17/03/2012 14:25

Have name changed for this. Basically DH opened my bank statement and found I'm significantly overdrawn (but within my current limit). He had no idea I was overdrawn at all and is so upset with me, and in general. This is not the first time this has happened and it is all my fault and no point in pretending otherwise or making excuses. I am a SAHM and have been since birth of DC3 as DH works away all week, too complicated with all 3 being in different places and also DC3 has some health problems (not too serious but enough to keep at home until under control) and basically I have been spending far too much, not on clothes or social life just things like petrol, shopping or stuff for DCs. I want to pay it off myself but I'm struggling to think of anything I can do which will let me stay at home and earn money, probably because there's nothing out there! Does anyone have any advice/ideas? DH so upset and I don't blame him, I need to put it right then cut up my debit card!

OP posts:

MoaningMinnieWhingesAgain · 17/03/2012 14:29

Do you have separate accounts? Have you hidden it from him on purpose?

I would be annoyed if DH went overdrawn and didn't talk to me about it - we would need to look at the household spending together to see where we can improve things (we have separate accounts but he gives me most of his pay each month for me to spend as I see fit)

MoaningMinnieWhingesAgain · 17/03/2012 14:30

MSE boards have loads of good advice on budgeting too.

bumpybecky · 17/03/2012 14:30

if you're on maternity leave how do you pay for the shopping, petrol, kids expenses etc? is it from the joint account or from your overdraft?

how do you organise your finances?

HavingAnOffDAy · 17/03/2012 14:32

I'm sure someone will be along with practical advice soon, I just wanted to say that this is not your fault!

If you've been spending on petrol, shopping & things for DC's then shouldn't it/can it come from a joint budget?

Can you talk to him when he's calmed down a bit to work something out for paying for these things from now on?

Flisspaps · 17/03/2012 14:33

Why did DH open your bank statement?

Do you and DH 'pool' money so you have enough to live on without going overdrawn, or are his earnings 'his' and your money 'yours'?

Would you effectively be housebound without your overdraft?

JustHecate · 17/03/2012 14:35

If you don't have enough money to cater for the essentials then this is not something to hide from your husband, it's something to discuss with him, because clearly more of the family's money needs to be poured into the essentials.

shagmundfreud · 17/03/2012 14:38

If you're expected to be responsible for shopping/clothes for dc's/petrol for the car, then you either have an income of your own, or you're being given (or have agreed) a budget for these things . Is that correct?

Have you agreed a budget for these things?

Perhaps that budget isn't enough!

DH has given me £100 in cash a week for the last few years as I am primarily a SAHM. I have had to tell him recently that this money is no longer covering kids lunches, food for a family of 5 for a week, petrol and other household expenses as prices have gone up hugely.

Really - you guys need to agree a sensible budget for family expenses, and then if you have difficulty managing staying within it, then it might be better to cut up your debit card for now, and just use cash..... I have found this a very useful way to cut my spending.

MoaningMinnieWhingesAgain · 17/03/2012 14:39

Sorry I missed the DH opened your bank statement bit - that is another issue really. Why did he open it? By accident, or to have a nosey? To open someone elses confidential mail and then criticise them about it is way out of line.

DH and I have no secrets (that I can think of!) but I wouldn't open his bank statements. We are all entitled to privacy. I have occasionally opened and thrown away junk mail though, because he would moan about it massively.

Original poster

Hashitthefan · 17/03/2012 14:40

Hi, yes from my own account and yes I hid it from him, stupid idiot and it is my fault. We have a joint account for bills and shopping but I more or less stopped using it because I bought weekly shop with it several times whilst I was still working without checking balance and made us overdrawn then we got charged. I was sick of being lectured on it so I started paying for things with my own account which was fine when I was working pt but now I'm not it's a bit different. I get most of the child benefit transferred into my account and that's my money.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hashitthefan · 17/03/2012 14:42

Forgot to add he opened it on purpose, I don't like it but I can't really pull him up on it as I'm at fault here.

OP posts:

ErikNorseman · 17/03/2012 14:52

Your set up sounds very weird and messed up. You need a weekly budget to pay for all the essentials and there needs to be enough money available to you to pay for it. Child benefit isn't enough, does he expect it to be? Do you know how much he earns?

JustHecate · 17/03/2012 14:53

What you are saying, basically, is that he is not contributing enough to the family pot.

what right does he have to get angry here?

He needs to put more money into the family.

Where does he think the food comes from?

ivykaty44 · 17/03/2012 14:58

Ok you both need to sit down and talk about why this has happened, it isn't just your fault or his fault - but you are both at fault.

I will not go on about him not opening your mail etc

You are a partnership and if there isn't enough money in your bank account to pay for the petrol, shopping and things for the children then why is that?

How is your money divided
How do you budget?

Have you sat and sorted your finances in the last 3 years - things have gone up a lot in the last 2 year and even more in the last 6 months.

perhaps if your dh doesn't do all this type of shopping he has no idea and not understand why you are overdrawn.

MoaningMinnieWhingesAgain · 17/03/2012 15:00

I would suggest you sit down together and look at all the expenses you have going out - water, council tax, mortgage/rent, gas/electric, tv license, car tax, insurances, everything. Plus groceries - food, nappies, cleaning products etc.

There will likely be some costs you can reduce - look at where all the money is going. Online shop somewhere cheap, plus meal planning can reduce your food bills - swap providers for utilities/insurance/phones etc if you can find better deals.

Be realistic about what you need as opposed to what you want. We are not in debt, but I stopped work recently so our income has dropped a lot. We have dumped Sky, swapped energy providers, got cheaper insurance, stopped splurging on lots of treats (not all treats of course). Make sure you are claiming everything you are entitled to. Petrol is sky high now - can you use the car a bit less, get a more efficient car?

akaemmafrost · 17/03/2012 15:00

Er sorry but he has no right WHATSOEVER to open your personal mail. Clearly there are some issues with how BOTH of you are dealing with your JOINT finances that need to be addressed. This shouldn't be happening because there should be open and frank discussion that doesn't allow it to.

Anyone who opened my private mail would be (figuratively) ripped a new one!

edam · 17/03/2012 15:04

Your dh sounds as if he might be very controlling - not giving you enough money to live on AND then opening your post and punishing you for going overdrawn.

You need to work together as partners and sort out your household finances together. Dh must treat you with respect as an equal partner. He's not your boss.

clam · 17/03/2012 15:09

Will you just stop giving yourself such a hard time here? It's not like you've been spending it all on manicures and chocolates! This isn't you being BAD, it's a case of cashflow gone wrong, with you using the wrong account to pay for FAMILY EXPENSES. If you've both agreed that you will be a SAHM, allowing him the time to go out to work, then you're both responsible for ensuring there's enough money around to budget appropriately.
Don't let him put this all on to you. Fight back a bit!

Coconutty · 17/03/2012 15:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nizlopi · 17/03/2012 15:10

If I found out my husband had a secret overdraft I would go fucking apeshit at him.

petitema · 17/03/2012 15:16

He's being a tit, sorry.

AKissIsNotAContract · 17/03/2012 15:16

If your money goes on shopping what does his money go on? How can you be expected to pay for the shopping if you don't work? If you have both made the decision that you should be a SAHM then surely his wages need to cover all the essentials for that to work for you.

youarekidding · 17/03/2012 15:20

without going into the rights and wrongs of him opening your mail - what you BOTH need to do here is communicate.

You made mistakes going overdrawn on joint account when you were working, my guess is his fury at this has made you scared to tell him you need more income and have gone overdrawn? (sorry if I am wrong btw)

mummytime · 17/03/2012 15:27

The start of this is he had such a go at you for going over drawn on the joint account, so you stopped using it. I suspect that must of been quite aggressive for you to take the action you did.
Instead you should have then discussed finances, and the rising cost of living. Does he have more money than that which goes into the joint account?
Next you have tried to pay everything from your account. Has he not noticed you were not using the joint account?
Even more you are no longer working, was this a joint decision? Did he not realise the financial implications?
You now need to discuss finances. How much as a family you have coming in, (including all his money), and what you outgoings are. If you can't afford your lifestyle you need as a family to economise and to see if there are any other sources of income.
However personally I think you need to examine whether you feel like an equal partner in this relationship? Whether you DH treats you with respect.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 17/03/2012 15:29

You need a proper discussion about finances. Does he know how much it costs to buy food and fuel and essential clothes?

Only you know whether you have been truthful here, and whether you are being extravagant or not.

Pozzled · 17/03/2012 15:31

I'm trying to understand why you didn't talk to your DH when you first realized you were going overdrawn. What sort of things were you buying- you say things for the DCs, but was it essentials or extras? And how much does your DH spend on non-essentials?

I think a lot depends on your situation- if money is really tight for you as a family and you've been buying things you don't need, then you're very much in the wrong and need to apologize and make amends. But it sounds like it's more complicated than that. If you were using your overdraft for things you needed, then you both need to look at your finances and figure out a way forward together.

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