DH found out about my overdraft, need advice!

[Hashitthefan]

Have name changed for this. Basically DH opened my bank statement and found I'm significantly overdrawn (but within my current limit). He had no idea I was overdrawn at all and is so upset with me, and in general. This is not the first time this has happened and it is all my fault and no point in pretending otherwise or making excuses. I am a SAHM and have been since birth of DC3 as DH works away all week, too complicated with all 3 being in different places and also DC3 has some health problems (not too serious but enough to keep at home until under control) and basically I have been spending far too much, not on clothes or social life just things like petrol, shopping or stuff for DCs. I want to pay it off myself but I'm struggling to think of anything I can do which will let me stay at home and earn money, probably because there's nothing out there! Does anyone have any advice/ideas? DH so upset and I don't blame him, I need to put it right then cut up my debit card!

It is very simple. He either give you enough money, or you start working.

You need a serious family discussion. He cant both have a wife at home looking after the family while he is working away, and not give you enough money!

Haircuts are essentials?! I thought essentials were food and bills... I need to start giving myself more money.

Please don't forget your own needs in life.
I was in your situation and thought that I should only ask for as much as I needed and no extra, then I found out xh was spending loads secretly on collectables that he'd stashed.
He'd spend thousands over the years that I was unaware of, whilst allowing me to feel guilty over a £10 haircut.

HugE you are spot on, I have always earned my own money and I hate being reliant on DH. I know I shouldn't feel like this as I have 3 DCs, do the school run every day, look after youngest all day eery day, cook every day, do all the cleaning and most of the washing, etc but I still feel inferior because I'm not earning. Yes I am glad I'm there for the DCs all the time especially as DH is away so often but I hate feeling that I can't contribute financially.

You are contributing financially. Have you ever sat down and calculated how much childcare would be for 3 children?

OP, Can I tell you about my system which is working really well?

Since I stopped working (six months ago), I am in charge of managing our monthly outgoings (previously it wasn't so paramount as we had plenty of extra cash). I have a spreadsheet which I update at the beginning of each month, one row per day, one column for amount spent, one for uncleared balance, another column for cleared balance. Absolutely everything I plan to spend on during the month goes on the spreadsheet. I include a budget for "fun things", which can include after school activities, meals, going out with the dc, etc.

I NEVER use the credit card only my debit card. So if I don't have the money it cannot get spent. I keep all my receipts and every night I update my spreadsheet with the uncleared balance. I check my bank account every morning and update the spreadsheet.

If its not on the budget, I don't spend it. It works really well.

This isn't about haircuts, Petrol is essential i think we can all agree on that.

timetoask - good idea but NOT if it's only the SAHM who is looking at their spending, as seems to be the case with the OP. The OP needs to know what on earth her dh is doing with the money coming into the family.

True edam, but if the OP is not managing the direct debits,etc, she can still have a budget for petrol, kiddie stuff, etc, at the beginning of every month and tell her OH.

I think OP's husband probably opened her statement because he was suspecting her overspending.

OP, trust me, a budget and a spreadsheet is what you need. Don't fight with your DH please.... people on MN love to break up marriages it seems.

I think people are being a little hard on the OP's dh. We don't know that there is anymore money to give her. That may be all there is.

But OP and her dh do need a proper conversation about spending and the cost of living for their family.

Op it may be that you need to budget your £150 better because there is no more money in the pot.

Timetoask I couldn't do that with our finances, I'm not that organised and its too complicated plus a bit hard to keep traxk of DH's spending if he's away all week but I could do it with the money I get each month, if I get into the habit of it. I have spoken to DH and told him we need to sit down and discuss it later on. I have also said we both news to be completely open about our spending and I'd like to look at his bank statements too! The irony is he said to me earlier, "We've been doing quite well the last few months so it's more of a blow to discover this amount you owe that I didn't know about." He has a fair point of course but if "our" finances have been good why couldn't he have given me more money?

Akiss wrt your earlier question, we both feel it's important to have one parent at home as the other is away such a lot and the DCs do struggle when he's away a lot, well DCs 1 and 2 do anyway. Also DC3's health isn't great and I would often have to take time off work to look after her.

You really should not have hidden it from him.

If you need to spend more money on shopping, etc, you have to discuss budgets and where the money comes from.

After all you started using your account because you were not sufficiently responsible with the joint account. (sorry, but that's true)

I'm afraid that you just need to get more on top of your finances.

I'm pleased that you are sounding much less self-blaming than in your first posts, OP.

If I understand it right you have been trying to cover all the household costs from your own account, and haven't enough. And then he deliberately opened your personal bank statement.

Yes, if you are a couple it's best to be open and candid about finance - and as you say that means you BOTH knowing how much is coming into the household and how much is needed to go out.

Don't let him paint you as a baddie here.

And he needs to remember that it's in his interests and because of his job that you cannot earn money at pesent, and he needs to treat you as a partner not a junior employee. And then you can discuss expenditure and budgetting openly.

Lueji you're right, I shouldn't have hidden it from him and I shouldn't have allowed it to get to this point. For some reason it's very hard for us to have a proper conversation about money, and I'm not entirely sure why. I certainly won't let it happen again.

Not the main gist of the problem, I know, but.....top up shops are fatal! How often do you ever go into the supermarket (or, even worse, the local shop) and leave with just what you intended to get?

I advise making your big shops a bit closer together- maybe weekly?- and trying your damnedest to stay out of the supermarket betweentimes. I have £10 per week for "miscellaneous expenditure" (other people may have more,- I'm pretty poor and only have one child), and any top-up shopping comes out of that; I try and make sure it's only bread and milk, if anything.

While you're waiting for him to calm down, can you work out what you spent mOney on last week so you have something to discuss?

Also think about the meals you've eaten, journeys you've made etc where money has been spent but not within the week, so car might have already been full so you didn't need to put petrol in but you know that you typically fill it up twice a month during term time and you didn't have any extra hospital trips to do at a cost of £xxx (and mention that only 2 months ago the same amount would have cost £5-10 less (insert amount) due to rocketing fuel prices recently. And that whilst you spent £xxx on food, a couple of the meals used stuff from the store cupboard that needs to be restocked every month or two at an extra cost of £yyy but you didn't need to this time. Plus why not throw in that your shoes have worn through or your trousers have a rip etc so you need £xxx for that.

Then go through and work out a sensible amount based on what you need for all aspects of your family saving. And if you think that he is likely to cut it down make sure you add in extra to start with - 1. because prices are all going up so rapidly that soon you'll be using it. And 2. because you need to have a little bit of treat money built in, you don't want to spend your whole life scrimping the whole time (even if you just save your treat budget to have a coffee and cake with the kids once a month or a big bar of pmt choc or whatever) and 3. It gives you a bit of room to negotiate with your dh if he doesn't want to give you the full amount you want on principle. Decide on what you need, add a bit for inflation, a bit for occasional unforeseen but legit spending (say hospital parking and lunch), bit for a treat and then your wiggle room extra and you should end up in a much better position.

And see (once he is really calm!) if you can start putting money back into your savings a bit to compensate you for spending your savings on family stuff... At least to clear the overdraft!

I'd also tell your dh how you feel you have reverted to being your mum and a fifties kept woman by the way he is treating you and particularly his attitude to how he views the family his money. Might be it's never occurred to him or he's just doing what his mum and dad did as that's what he knows or maybe he is doing deliberately for control. But without talking to him you won't know and you won't know how to start sorting things out with him until you can see where he's coming from.

Sorry, supermarket shop bit of a time delay from starting my post and actually posting it. Apologies if it appears to miss lots of the more recent posts.

I don't know exactly how much money he has left over

that's not good.

Can you sit down and write down every expense, from hair cut every three months to christmas savings, council tax water bill, mot for the car and house insurance and see how much money is needed. Then put all the income in and see how much you both have coming in.

Then divide by 12 - put the money in a different account just for all the bills.

Then what is left has to pay for food and you split anything left over into two and have half each.

Yes I think you could start by reviewing how money you (as a family) are spending on petrol, food, clothes etc... Review the previous months on the joint accouint and yours and see how much you are actually spending on 'family' things (food..), kids clothes, kids activities, your clothes etc..., petrol and so on. If there is anything from the statement on the joint account, also add 'his' spending (ie petrol not paid back by work, his clothes, cigarrettes, or whatever he might be spending for himself).
This will give you
1- ammunitions when you say you are spending very little on yourself
2- a better idea for both of you to see if you are shopping 'wisely' (eg you might find that doing lotsd of 'little shops' actually cost a lot of money)
3- will give him a real idea about how much it cost to clothe dcs, take them to activities etc...
Then review the situation with him and see how much/what is coming out of his account (for what we know he might have been doing the same than you and pay for 'family' things from his account).

TBH, I can not understand this idea of having 'his' money and 'your' money when one parent doesn't work and is financially reliable on the other and you have 3 dcs together. If you had lots of spare cash, that would be different. But you obvioulsy are in a situation where it isn't the case and it has to be 'the whole amount' coming in (ie CB + his wages) that needs to be accessible by both of you.
From that you can then agree that you both have a certain amount 'for yourself', the same for both of you.

Re-reading my post it seems a bit too accusatory. The important part was
"If you need to spend more money on shopping, etc, you have to discuss budgets and where the money comes from.":-)

But I also agree with others that, while you may want to have separate accounts as well as a joint account (I used to be a all joint person, but I now regret it, long story...) both of you should be open about your finances.

Particularly if one is a SAHP.

Agree with both of Lueji's posts.

You do need to sort your finances as a couple better but you sound awful with finances sorry. It would drive me mad to be married to someone THAT bad with money as to keep being overdrawn like that.

Anyway hope you can be more open about it together and get it sorted.

Ms say what you really think!!!! I am clearly not good with money but up until I stopped working I managed my own money and it was fine, often buying the family shopping with it as well as making a significant contribution to our joint account each month, so I'm not that bad, honestly!

Do you know how much he gets paid?

"Your set up sounds very weird and messed up."

I agree. It sounds like there is a lack of communication and openness here. A relationship where there is no trust as far as finances are concerned is a no goer for me.

Why can't you pool your resources and have one pot for all household expenditure? I realise that petrol is a big one as it seems to be going a up a penny a litre per day round here.

I suggest you start a spreadsheet with all your regular household outgoings and work out how much you have left over each month for "extras"