DH found out about my overdraft, need advice!

[Hashitthefan]

Have name changed for this. Basically DH opened my bank statement and found I'm significantly overdrawn (but within my current limit). He had no idea I was overdrawn at all and is so upset with me, and in general. This is not the first time this has happened and it is all my fault and no point in pretending otherwise or making excuses. I am a SAHM and have been since birth of DC3 as DH works away all week, too complicated with all 3 being in different places and also DC3 has some health problems (not too serious but enough to keep at home until under control) and basically I have been spending far too much, not on clothes or social life just things like petrol, shopping or stuff for DCs. I want to pay it off myself but I'm struggling to think of anything I can do which will let me stay at home and earn money, probably because there's nothing out there! Does anyone have any advice/ideas? DH so upset and I don't blame him, I need to put it right then cut up my debit card!

Sorry I was having another "discussion" with DH. No, we havent talked again about finances since I officially stopped working a year ago. It was a joint decision for me not to work but if I changed my mind I don't think it would go down well. I'm sorry I haven't given you the full picture, unintentionally I hasten to add. Basically the mortgage, direct debits and big shopping (done about once every ten days) goes out of joint account, any extras e.g. Extra curricular activities for kids and little shopping go out of my account as well as petrol I use (DH gets reimbursed for his petrol due to job). I am going to cut up my debit card and he will give me cash each month so I can't go overdrawn but I think I need to talk to him about how much I get. £150 per month isn't that much and I suppose it's been going on for a year so I've been overspending by about £70 per month.

Where is the money going to come from for you to have haircuts, clothes etc? £150 is not enough.

There is no money for haircuts or clothes, I last had my hair cut 4 months ago and I last bought myself clothes about 18 months ago, and now I'm desperate for new ones but can't afford them, have stopped having my hair dyed and now buy it from chemists!

So he doesn't want you to work and he doesn't want to give you enough money for essentials?

Hope you don't mind me suggesting this but I would say fill car up from joint account, pay for children's activities from joint account - even if your DH gives it to you when asked for and then agree on an amount of cash / week for extra food, kids trips etc. Only thinking that way because some weeks you may have 3 school trips to pay for and go further and so the money won't stretch as far. If it's done weekly it's easier to see where it's going.

Hash, I wouldn't cut up your card. I think you might find it really disempowering to be handed cash every month. You were wrong to hide the overspending, but this sounds like punishment and not helpful. Also, why did he open your personal mail?

Wouldn't it be better to have regular sit downs together to keep track of things? I've recently gone through a difficult time with my DH after he admitted to some significant debt that he had kept hidden from me. After the anger had subsided (for the most part!), I realised we had to be more of a team - communicating openly without blame and BOTH being aware of what's going where. We now have weekly chats and make decisions together.

I found the money saving expert forum really really helpful - lots of advice and support so do check it out.

So what are these wicked luxuries you're splashing out on incontinently? I'm curious.

Is it me or are you actually in a 1950s style pre feminism relationship? From what you've written op your relationship sounds unequal and unfair

Youarekidding that might be an idea I'll have to check joint account balance each time I use it, but I'm a bit rubbish like that!
Akiss I don't think he sees clothes and hair cuts as being essentials!

Then you have to make it clear to him they are! How much money does he have in his accounts, for him to do whatever with?
I am sorry but he is being unreasonable, and you need to stick up for yourself more.
Just an example my hair costs up to £100, my DHs costs about £12, I am a SAHM, he doesn't complain. We don't have financial issues because we pool most money and he trusts me as an adult and equal partner.

I'm probably making it sound worse than it is, and I'm very probably downplaying my part in all this, but I honestly don't spend much money on myself, I don't go out, I don't buy clothes or anything else for myself really.

Every so often I might take the kids into town and buy them a drink and a cake from a cafe and have one myself of course but that's only once every few months now rather than once a fortnight. I never take them to soft play because of the expense, it mainly is groceries and stuff for kids. I must say I was worried it would turn into what it has become, DH's parents and my parents' set ups were like this and I have now turned into my mother, great!

He hasn't refused to give me more money but when we first discussed how much I would get per month I suggested a figure and he questioned why I'd need that much and what would I spend it on? I couldn't come up with a good answer so that was that.

My dh, in one of his unenlightened moments, tried to start arguing that having my hair highlighted counted as a luxury (and should therefore come out of 'pocket money' rather than the joint account). I think I told him where to stick it!
Manicures/pedicures, OK, but hair? No way. He hasn't mentioned it since.

Mummytime I don't know exactly how much money he has left over but it isn't much, he doesn't spend much on himself either.

"I couldn't come up with a good answer so that was that."
So, open up the discussion again. Do your sums first, and make a list when you've time to think about what things you do spend on. Then show him and DISCUSS it like EQUALS.

You're right I should and I'm not buying any groceries from
My account anymore, if it's for the family then it should come out of the joint account. I will sit down and discuss it with him but will let him
Calm down first!

OK - if you have been using your account for 'house hold' expenses that should be from the joint account (I'm guessing you've been doing lots of little 'top up shops' with your account rather than doing more regular 'big' shops) then there should be extra cash in the joint account which in the short term could be transfered to at least pay off some of your overdraft, if not, then there's not enough going in the joint account each month to cover the food everyone eats.

So no more buying food from your account, yours is for treats for you and things the DCs don't really need but you want to get them (for example, we are supposed to get clothes for DS from the joint account, however Gap have a sale on, I've just bought him a couple of tops I know he doesn't really need, so I've bought with my money as it's my choice to get more things for him). That needs to be a realistic budget from what you can afford as a couple, I would suggest after all bills are paid, you divide what's left in 3, a third for you, a third for DH and a third for savings. If your third is made up partly of child benefit, that's ok because it's family income too.

If you are a SAHM he can't keep what he earns as private, however you do have a duty to stick to a budget that's reasonable regardless of what you want to get, it's not fair on him to hide debts.

'Akiss: I don't think he sees clothes and hair cuts as being essentials!'

Is he a long haired nudist or does he see them as essentials for himself but not for you and the kids?

I think you need to question whether he has money for the things he wants and keeps you and the kids short, or whether there is no money. He seems very controlling.

Why can't you spend, what you need tom out of the joint account?

Are you, as a family spending all of dh's wages or is there ,money left over?

Does dh have personal spending money?

Doesn't sound like a relationship of equals to me.

Well you should know how much he has; it's your money too.

Does he seem controlling? The thing is I have no idea how other people do it, that's how our parents always did things and I've never asked anyone about their set up because it seems a bit intrusive. I come across as being very pathetic and rather stupid! I'm not but I can't help thinking this is history repeating itself; DM ended up taking a loan out years back to pay off her overdraft as DF wasn't giving her enough money and hid it from him. She ended up having to work lots of hours to keep up with her repayments. I hated their situation and felt DF was so unfair and here I am 20 years on in this state! I feel like an idiot.

Does he buy clothes and get his hair cut?

You're not stupid, but I think you're embarassed at not earning your own money, and it would feel like begging to ask him for access to the joint account, am I right or am I way off?

Yes he does sound controlling. He needs to be completely open about how much money he has coming in so you can work out a budget together which is fair. You should both have equal amounts of spending money after all the essentials have been paid for. Does he value your role as a SAHM? You said before that he wouldn't like you to get a job - is there a reason for this?